Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us
Saturday, July 5, 2008 
Intuitively and instinctively, the cry it out (CIO) method (also known as sleep training or ferberizing or controlled crying) of getting a baby to sleep is not something I ever felt comfortable with. And as I did research on infant sleep, I learned about what normal infant sleep is and I also learned more about the reasons why the CIO method is harmful. There are numerous scientific and emotional reasons why we have chosen not to let our babies cry it out, which I have summarized below.
1. Cry it out can cause harmful changes to babies' brains
Babies cry. They cry to let us know that they need something. And when we don't respond to those cries, it causes them undue amounts of stress. Science has shown that stress in infancy can result in enduring negative impacts on the brain. Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions. Harvard researchers found that it makes them more susceptible to stress as adults and changes the nervous system so that they are overly sensitive to future trauma. Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy is linked with a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. However, if you consistently soothe your child's distress and take any anguished crying seriously, highly effective stress response systems are established in the brain that allow your child to cope with stress later in life.
2. Cry it out can result in decreased intellectual, emotional and social development
At an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings demonstrating that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.” More specifically, other studies have found that babies whose cries are ignored do not develop healthy intellectual and social skills, that they have an average IQ 9 points lower at age 5, they show poor fine motor development, show more difficulty controlling their emotions, and take longer to become independent as children (stay clingy for longer).
3. Cry it out can result in a detached baby
Researchers have shown that although leaving a baby to cry it out does often lead to the cries eventually stopping, the cries do not stop because the child is content or the problem has been alleviated. Rather, they stop because the baby has given up hope that a caregiver will respond and provide comfort. This results in a detached baby. Detached children are less responsive, appear to be depressed or "not there" and often lack empathy.
4. Cry it out is harmful to the parent-child relationship
A child that is left to cry it out is less likely to turn to the parents in times of need. Being attended to as a baby is the most basic of needs and if a child learns at that point that she can count on her parents to respond to her needs, then she will also turn to them later in life when she needs their support. But I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.
5. Cry it out can make children insecure
Children whose caregivers are not consistently responsive and sensitive, often become insecure. Long-term studies have shown that secure individuals are more likely to be outgoing, popular, well-adjusted, compassionate, and altruistic. As adults, secure individuals are likely to be comfortable depending on others, can develop close attachments, and trust their partners. Insecure individuals, on the other hand, tend to be unsettled in their relationships, displaying anxiety (manifesting as possessiveness, jealousy, and clinginess) or avoidance (manifesting as mistrust and a reluctance to depend on others). Parents that use the cry it out method often do so because they are afraid that their children are becoming too dependent. However, an abundance of research shows that regular physical contact, reassurance, and prompt responses to distress in infancy and childhood results in secure and confident adults who are better able to form functional relationships.
6. Cry it out often doesn't work at all
Some babies will not give in. They are resilient or stubborn enough that they refuse to believe that their parents could be so cruel as to leave them to cry to sleep. So instead of whimpering a bit and then drifting off to sleep as some supposed sleep experts would have you believe happens, they end up sobbing and sobbing and sobbing for hours on end. Some end up vomiting. Many end up shaking so hard and become so distraught that once their parents realize that CIO is not going to work, the baby is shaking uncontrollably and hiccuping, too distressed to sleep and too distraught to be calmed down even by a loving parent.
7. Even if cry it out does "work", parents often have to do it over and over again
I can't imagine putting my child through one or several nights of inconsolable crying to get her to go to sleep and I certainly can't imagine having to do it over and over again. However, that is the reality for many parents. I hear people tell me that they always let their child cry for thirty minutes to go to sleep. Or that they have to start the CIO sleep training process all over again after each round of teething, each growth spurt, each developmental milestone.
8. Cry it out is disrespectful of my child's needs
So-called sleep trainers will tell you that after a certain age, babies do not have any more needs at night. Some claim this is after a few short weeks, others after a few months, others after a year. Regardless of the age that is assigned to that message, to me it seems wrong. I'm an adult and yet there are days when I need someone else to comfort me. If I've had a really stressful week at work, if I've had a fight with someone that is important to me, if I've lost a loved one, then I need to be comforted. But how would I feel and what would it do to our relationship if my husband closed the door and walked out of the room and let me "cry it out" myself? I'm an adult and yet there are nights when I am so parched that I need a glass of water or I am so hungry that I need a snack. I'm not going to die if those needs are not met, but I am going to physically uncomfortable and unable to sleep soundly. If I were to let my child CIO, it would be like saying that his needs are not important and that to me is disrespectful. To quote Dr. William Sears on the sleep trainers, "Parents let me caution you. Difficult problems in child rearing do not have easy answers. Children are too valuable and their needs too important to be made victims of cheap, shallow advice".
9. Deep sleep from cry it out is often a result of trauma
Babies who are left to cry it out do sometimes fall into a deep sleep after they finally drop off. And their parents and sleep trainers will hail this as a success of the CIO method. However, babies and young children often sleep deeply after experiencing trauma. Therefore, the deep sleep that follows CIO shouldn't be seen as proof that it works. Rather, it should be seen as a disturbing shortcoming.
10. Our World Needs More Love
Rates of depression are skyrocketing. Violent and senseless crimes are on the rise. As human beings, we need to spend more time being there for each other, showing compassion, nurturing our children. Learning that you can't count on your parents to be there when you need them is a tough lesson to learn that early in life and can be a root of many of the social problems we are facing today. I want to give my kids every chance possible of escaping depression and staying away from violence. And I'm convinced that nurturing them and responding to their needs at night, as I do during the day, is the first step in the right direction.
Those are our reasons for not using the cry it out method. What are yours?
Do you need some gentle sleep tips? See Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
Sources:
The following sources were used in the development of this post:
- Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful to Babies
- Margaret Chuong-Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry
- Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H, F.A.A.P - Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking
- Australian Association for Infant Mental Health - Position Paper 1: Controlled Crying
- Alvin Powell - Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
- Pinky McKay - The Con of Controlled Crying
- Linda Folden Palmer - Stress in Infancy
- Gayle E. McKinnon - CIO? No! The case for not using "cry-it-out" with your children
- Macall Gordon - Is "crying it out" appropriate for infants? A review of the literature on the use of extinction in the first year
- Elizabeth Pantley - The No Cry Sleep Solution (book)
- Katie Allison Granju - Attachment Parenting (book)
- Dr. William Sears - Nighttime Parenting (book)
- Margot Sunderland - The Science of Parenting (book)
Note: Please note that not all of these sources look specifically at crying it out. Some of them look at the risks of excessive crying in general. It is my opinion that excessive crying is excessive crying, whether it happens at night or not. Also, as I discussed in my follow-up post Cry it Out (CIO): Is it harmful or helpful? and Another Academic Weighs in on CIO there is no evidence that cry it out is safe, despite what its supporters will tell you.
Image credit: Anna Szozda on flickr
Reader Comments (478)
Actually, the links are not to the primary sources - they are all links to other sites or opinion articles that ‘cite’ the research. I have looked at quite a lot of the research on this topic and as some have already pointed out, the primary sources have NEVER made a causal relationship between one thing and the other. For example, yes there is a body of literature that correlates excessive crying or ‘colic’ in infants to problems such as ADHD and other cognitive problems later on. However, the researchers cannot say that one CAUSED the other. It may very well be that infants who are colicky and cry do so because of some different biological/neurological functioning present at birth, and therefore turn out to have these issues as a result.
As Justin has pointed out, I feel that the more concerning issue is the use of the name PhD as a pseudonym and as the title of the site. Although there is a disclaimer that the author of this blog does not have a PhD in parenting (or one altogether), I feel there is still some misrepresentation occurring, intentionally or not. The letters PhD are synonymous with the highest degree of education one can obtain, and one relates this to an individual who is capable of reading, analyzing, and summarizing the empirical research objectively, without bias. As the author has mentioned, she is merely giving opinions which is of course fine! But the problem is that many less informed, exhausted parents have come to rely on her as a source of information believe they are getting the information from a Dr/PhD because it is implied in her self-appointed name/title. I don’t believe this is intentional, but given that she is considering a PhD in consumer ethics and social corporate responsibility, I might urge her to look at herself as having built an ‘establishment’ from this blog (which is commendable given her following), and consequently to feel the social responsibility to make sure misrepresentation is not occurring by removing these letters.
Thank you Kirsty! Great post!
By the way, to actually link something as in point #10 to CIO is insane. While you should not neglect your baby, letting them cry in 'certain' situations and depending on the age, etc. cannot possibly ever be linked to future behavior regardless of whether it is harmful or not. There are too many other factors! I bet parents who really neglect their baby do more than CIO. And there is a whole other side that one could argue at some point catering to every single cry can also be harmful later in life (at least when the baby gets older).
Hi there PhD,
First, thanks to Egrrrl for posting a link to an article that offers the primary resources and the real analysis of the sources being used for the anti-CIO movement. I feel this puts the onus on parents to make really informed decisions, and not have them made for them based on a person's interpretation of the research. I agree with everything Egrrrl says that the research CLEARLY indicates the negative effects of sleep deprivation, and, I might add, in response to #6, there is in fact very clear research that shows us that when CIO is done properly it worked (http://www.aasmnet.org/Resources/PracticeParameters/Review_NightWakingsChildren.pdf) MOST of the time - I have another publication at work that offers a success rate of 100% which can be provided upon request. As others have also pointed out there is a wealth of empirical evidence that supports the fact that infants who sleep better have better child-mother interactions (i.e. http://www.jaacap.com/article/S0890-8567(09)64116-2/abstract) - again, more references can be provided upon request.
PhD, your example of a child who eats only pop-tarts and us, as parents, who would kid ourselves to pretend this was harmless. You're right, as a parent in that situation, my intuition would tell me it was NOT harmless, as would the SCIENCE of diet that tells us that eating a variety of healthy and diverse foods will support healthy development in growing children. So my question is this: if your child only ate poptarts, and you KNEW it was not harmless as dictated by the science, what would you do? Would you allow your child to continue eating only poptarts, or would you make sure they ate other foods? And if your child resisted, cried and refused... Would you give up and allow the poptart-exclusive diet to continue? I doubt it. You would try any avenue you could, even if it upset your child (and they cried!) and deprived them of poptarts, right? As a responsible parent I would imagine this to be your response.
So, if we think of infants who cannot succeed to fall into good and restful sleep without some crying, perhaps we can see this as a responsible parent's RESPONSE to a child who is otherwise completely fatigued by the inability to sleep without this.
Also, as some have mentioned, I find it difficult to support a movement such as anti-CIO that makes such blinding assumptions about things, and tries to link it to the 'research'. Yes, children of unresponsive parents probably turn out with more cognitive and developmental issues than ones of responsive parents. Does this mean parents who let children CIO are unresponsive? I cannot imagine this is the case -if a child is hungry these parents are likely feeding them, when they are awake these same parents are likely playing with them, and when they need to sleep they are responding by showing their babies what they have figured out works to help the child sleep. Of course, I don't have any DATA to prove this, but let's wait until we have some research that tells us that parents who use CIO are categorically unresponsive to their children and THEN make this huge assumption that these children are worse off than their peers. Of course prolonged crying is detrimental, but that ASSUMES that all CIO methods entails days, weeks, months of crying. This is simply not the case, as many of the other readers have pointed out.
Again, thanks Egrrrl for the link to a well written, well-referenced article. I hope all parents get the chance to read the research their decisions are based upon and make up their minds for themselves after having done so - at that point, it really is then an informed decision and not one made as a result of propoganda.
CIO worked with my first two children, but not with the third as of yet. She cries very much. My baby girl cried first night for 2 hours n hubby had to hold me down. second night she slept after 15 minutes. next night 3. Then no more crying. My boy only cried for 15 minutes first night. Then, no more. This one cried almost the whole night the first time, with breaks which she would sleep then wake up crying. Then we stopped, but when we try again it takes quite a while. Cry out method is good because the babies will sleep better n be in a better mood, so will mommy. But im just about to give up with this one :).
I completely agree Mike! The lack of references for a start would not hold this argument up! It is heavily biased, and there is no argument or flip side in the positive aspects of CIO. Do you think a parent who is sleep deprived for over a year because their child won't sleep is capable of fulfilling the role of loving caregiver, and can provide emotional security for their child? I very much doubt it. There is far more to consider here than 'just the child'.
Interesting article.. and even more interesting comments.. I see the benefits of both CIO and Non CIO Methods... there are tons of articles supporting both methods.. but in the end it's what the parents decide and i don't think neither of them are RIGHT or WRONG.. yes a crying baby left too long might hurt his emotions.. but yet a baby that won't sleep without mommy or daddy (more mommy) beside them might ruin a marriage.. i don't think it can be argued that one is more right then the other..
now my situation.... We have opted to follow the non-CIO method.. why? well i can't look at my baby or hear him when he cries.. i see his laughing face during the day and it tears my wife and i from the deepest of our being to see him or hear him cry!
he is 6.5 months old and he has gotten worse.. he wakes up every 30-45 mins and my wife is going insane.. but yet she does not want to go the CIO route... there are so many things we are contemplating.. there are soo many things u read about no cry methods that we try and it doesnt work... he cries and cries and cries, even if we are beside him, patting him, singing to him, even me carrying him.. he needs mom's breats period.. but these days that's not even working..
here are some reason why we don't wanna try the CIO method just yet...
1) he has bad eczema on his face and body.. he wakes up cause he's itchy.. if we leave him to cry he will takes chunks of his skin off and bleed even with gloves on... we left him for 30 seconds too long and now he has a gash on his face....
2) it;s about time he is teething.. no signs of teeth yet, but that might be a reason he is getting up..
so we don't know what to do.. we don't want him to cry it out, but it seems like it;s coming to that cause my wife is so frustrated and it's affecting a lot of areas of our relationship and life.. but we cant do it until his eczema gets better... he's had eczema for the last 2 months...
so what do we do? just give him the breast to fall asleep? sometimes even if he does fall asleep, the challenge is putting him down and staying asleep..
we tried swaddling him, but he gets out.. we tried the magic swaddle but he gets frustrated and wakes up..
CIO = bloody face and itching and crying at the top of his lungs so his voice is raspy
Non CIO- he;s too attached and won't sleep on his own
A few thoughts:
First, a practical suggestion. If he sleeps better swaddled but breaks out, this is what I did with my #3, who was huge and strong... swaddle and then put in the sleep sack. Even if he broke out of the swaddle (which was harder), at least he was still safe.
Next, I am carefully suggesting you re-frame the question...I don't think a 6.5 month old can be "too attached"...he is, after all, literally dependent on you for food, safety, shelter, even movement.
Sometimes these issues really are "problems" in that they in and of themselves cause damage. Sometimes they are problems only because we perceive them as such. Sometimes putting a mattress on the floor or getting bedrails or other minor modifications make everyone happier and more well-rested...and it is just a matter of getting past the idea of what we think/have been told "should be" and thinking what we really need/want it to be.
Then again, sometimes this is not a solution for a family and they need to look further...I would just say first think about how much of this is what you truly need/want versus frustration that things aren't going as they "should".
What I find funny about all this is even Ferber who suggests the CIO method even he does not agree with letting a baby CIO for for and hour or 1.5 or 2 hours. So many people who have not read his book believe that he suggests putting a baby down and letting them exhaust themselves crying till they fall asleep not so. I just read a blogger who actually emailed Dr. Ferber directly after her husband and her let their baby cry for 2hours before finally picking her. Why did they let her go that long? Good question because parents are being mislead with half a** BS information. The mislead parents assumed she would fall asleep she didn't. Ferber wrote them back stating he NEVER meant for a child to cry it out like that or for that long. Can you believe it? Ferber was horrified suggesting she may have a sleep disorder.
Maybe people should stop listening to these so called experts and do what they want to do. Because the experts suggest something then 6 mos later they are backpedaling or they find out it was not a good idea to begin with. Why do I want to experiment with my kid? How about this don't let your kid cry for extended periods of time.
Hi Rachel. My daughter is still co-sleeping at 3.5 years and didn't start sleeping through the night til she was well over 2. I was totally able to find a way to be a loving, responsive parent through my extreme sleep deprivation. I just focussed on the bigger picture and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing the right thing for my family.
Besides which, my daughter is extremely headstrong so I knew there was no way she'd ever respond to CIO anyway!
After reading all of these comments and the original blog twice I then wrote this. It isn't sugar coated, but maybe a little more simpler to follow.
Let us start with somthing very simple. A baby has needs. Let us define baby or infant as birth - 1 years of age. Even though I feel an infant is up to 2 years of age. So a baby has needs not wants or desires because at this age it is pure survival. If this first paragraph has you all worked up stop now, this one may be too much for you.
A babies needs are as follows:
*Shelter from harsh elements (A home)
*Nutrition/Food/Water (Breast is best)
*Physical care (Bathing, clothing, nappies/toileting)
*Love (This includes but is not exclusive to soothing when crying seems unreasonable to the adult responsible for care.)
Simply put, CIO deprives the child of the fourth listed NEED.
So now I have put it simply for you without sugar coating it I am now going to explain some other things that upset me in regards to this topic.
1) You can not spoil a child with love. I have never known a child to be a brat because it was hugged/held/carried/worn by its carer, nor have i come across or found any evidence that suggests this could be true. So why do you keep telling me I am spoiling my child with love?
2) A child who co-sleeps does not grow to have problems sleeping by themselves later in life, nor do they have problems developing healthy relationships in the future. Also, if the only place you have sex is in bed at night you have been destroying your sex life long before baby came along.
3) If you wouldn't like it why make your child do it? All those poeple who use the 'I was .... and I turned out fine.' are only teaching their children to do the same as they parent. If you really don't see what you are doing as hurtful, try to remember what it felt like to be that child. Failing that, remember you want your children to be better than you, treat them better than you were treated.
4) CIO does lead to a break in the bond between carer and child and does cause a high level of stress in the infant long after the CIO seems to have 'worked'. Scientifically it is bad. I also wish we didn't have that evidence because it means babies had to be left to CIO. Is it any worse than those babies left to die from lack of physical contact? Scientists should leave babies alone.
5) To have a point of view I don't have to call you names, attack your parenting style or know your circumstance. This is irrelevant of circumstances.
Being a parent is hard, and it is harder when you are working against the baby. I know CIO is working against the baby.
Zombie Mama
I don't believe there is any definitive science to show CIO is wrong. There are many things science cannot prove that might seem to be obvious to people.
And you don't just "feel" that an infant is up to 2 years of age.
I definitely do now know what is right and struggle with the answer. Thus, for someone to act like there is science behind and know they are right is ridiculous. I am left with what I read (Trying to filter out the junk) along with what pediatricians tell me. I am going to take the pediatrician's viewpoint unless you outline both sides of the story. There is no way that there isn't another side showing that CIO is even better. I don't know enough so I take the side of the guy who actually reads and sees more infants than a mom of 2 or whatever. Scientifically it is bad?
There are experiments done on babies who are left to cry which show physiological changes in the baby for the worse.
I do feel that an infant is up to the age of two.
I am not just a mother of two or whatever. I have worked with children for 8+ years in all sorts of environments and have read many materials. Many of the materieals that are used to support CIO are from an era which also sees a child as one that should be seen and not heard, and really not seen at all. People making money from selling this advice are horrible and do nothing to encourage a child's healthy growth and the bind between child and parent. Rather they encourage shame and opression of the child so that the parent feels in control and has 'angel' children.
People who actually need the advice shouldn't just read one side and then complain that the author has only offered one side, they go in search of the other side themselves and make an informed decision based on what they have read and using their parenting style and intuition as parents lead the way.plain that the author has only offered one side, they go in search of the other side themselves and make an informed decision based on what they have read and using their parenting style and intuition as parents lead the way.
Why is it people often feel the need to badger someone about their parenting style if they feel what they did was so right. When someone says to me I am doing it wrong I just laugh and say well I must be a parent.
To each his own. Each situation is unique, and with that each parent and baby is unique. Our culture needs to used evidenced-based research to improve our parenting but nothing replaces the importance of each individual on a case by case basis. For some, crying it out for 5-10 minutes is fine and the baby does not get into a crying fit, rather just a wimper. For others, like a baby with colic, they are crying at least six hours a day even when you are holding them. One thing I ask of parents reading this to do is talk to your pediatrician about the best technique you can use with your baby's temperament and your parenting style. As they say, "healthy mom, healthy baby." Your pediatrician can help you find ways to help you get some much needed rest along with you baby. Their recommendation could vary from co-sleeping to crying it out.
[...] toddlers. I’m not going to write about the reasons why. It’s pretty well summed up in this great post by Annie at PhD in Parenting. This parenting philosophy comes with time and commitment requirements. As with Bobby, at this age, [...]
I do hope you're not seriously suggesting asking a pediatrician for sleep advice? Peds get even less training in infant/child sleep than they do in nutrition (& that gets 1 course, if they're lucky). Peds are useless for parenting advice, you'll just get whatever their family parenting practices were/are. Unless they've done extra research (extremely unlikely) asking a ped for advice on parenting issues will get you advice with the about same knowledge behind it as asking your relatives.
I think you need to shop around for a new pediatrician if you feel you can't count on them for parenting advice. That's part of their responsibility to provide quality healthcare to their patients.
The word "infant" is not a medical term. It is a cultural construct that has been used to mean anything up to 6 months to 7 years.
You are making a huge assumption that a pediatrician is up on the latest in infant sleep science. Maybe a pediatrician sees many children on a weekly basis...but unless he or she is actually with the children for extended periods of time and is putting them in for naps and bedtime his or her opinion is about as worthwhile on the topic as anyone else's. Plus, of course, there is the question of what do we do when physicians disagree?
The reason there is no randomized, double-blind study is because to do that would be unethical--that is the way things are with most parenting questions. What we do know is a few things:
Developmental awareness of object permanence: At 8 months an infant is just beginning to understand object permanence. A child of 1 year does not "understand" that he is safe and mom and dad are just in the next room.
Extensive crying produces stress hormones.
I believe, as do several prominent sleep scientists and pediatricians, that a child crying does not "self-soothe" but rather just gives up waiting and shuts down to conserve energy.
I also believe that in the absence of concrete science since there is no way to produce any under our current understanding of ethics, we need to rely on our instincts and what we do know about child development and biology as well as thousands of years of human cultural history.
I go to my pediatrician because I trust him to spot signs of physical illness in my children or diagnose ailments when I bring them to him. I am not interested in whether or not he shares my family's values or agrees with my parenting practices.
I truly believe that it is not a myth that all babies are DIFFERENT, in the same way that we as adults are all obviously unique and these differences should be valued. I am a mum, a qualified early years teacher and early years professional and over the years have found my most successful approaches have involved a
Using the child's developing personality (many aspects of which are present at birth) to decide what is best for the child. If the childs behaviour changes, adapt and change yourself. All of us know our children, trust yourself! If you feel your child will chill out after 5,10 minutes and fall sleep then your most likey doing the right thing by your child, whereas if your child is likely to become very distressed PLEASE comfort them! Although many would like to create a science out of parenthood, I'm afraid it's just not possible,there is no 'answer'' or quick fix for most parents. I indeed some babies who are left to become very distressed may develop insecurity and other issues in adulthood, others will not. Only you can decide which your child will be. Simply know your child and trust yourself!
I'm sorry but I went from a very sleep-deprived 4 month old baby to the HAPPIEST, calmest, sweetest baby after I practiced the sleep sense method. My husband and I were right there with him and waiting only 10 minutes to respond to middle of the night crying is not cruel in any way because he was still asleep, but upset because he woke up in between his sleep cycle and couldn't fall back asleep on his own. After 5 minutes or so of crying, back asleep. He's now 11 months old and has NEVER woken up in the middle of the night, not from teething, a bad cold, being too hot or cold or whatever you think they are waking up for. There is no reason to eat in the middle of the night. Babies need solid blocks of sleep. They are not traumatized from a gentle sleep method. Ferber's method seems a bit unusal to me and I would never have done that. The sleep sense was a perfect way to help mom and baby connect and show support and also let baby learn a very important skill that will help them through their entire life. I am sooo sick of hearing of moms who STILL have 2 year olds who get a bottle or a boob in the middle of the night. Have you heard of tooth decay? Obesity anyone? Sleep is a skill. It takes practice. We wake up several times in the middle of the night but dont even realize and are able to fall back asleep. Babies need help. They CANNOT learn when someone goes rushing in and doesnt give them a chance to try to fall back asleep on their own. They automatically assume they are hungry. If they cry and say "milk" than that is one thing but I have yet to hear that. People need to do a lot more research that what is written on this blog. I would like to see the articles and studies that are posted here. I am constantly being told how amazingly happy and good my baby is and I always see sleep deprived cranky babies elsewhere. Sad. Sleep deprivation is linked to learning disorders and depression, not the other way around!
I have no idea what CIO method has babies crying for an hour every night. Obviously something is wrong there. MY guy cried for twenty minutes while we basically held his hand. I hardly call that not responding to him.
excuse me that is unethical who does science experiments on infants?
I have a pediatrician who has been doing it for 20 years that means she has a lot of experience with babies in different situations. She also speaks with other doctors who all see thousands of babies who talk about cases. Plus she has access to doctors who actually do research. She also has been listening to different stories and looking at thousands of babies and seeing symptoms for long time. Which means she has a lot more experience than anyone on this board. I would listen to her advice/guidance before yours Lisa.
[...] it can lead to separation anxiety in the short term and generalised anxiety in the long term. Several studies have also shown an increased incidence in addictive personalities in adults who were repeatedly [...]
And what if you were a CIOed child? Constant fear of going to bed as a child, (afraid of those images that appear in the mind when the lights go out), deep anxiety as a teenager, no sleep on the last two years of highschool because of horrific nightly nightmares, ocasional panic attacks as an adult with constant stress, and finally, unconcious, uncontrolable grinding of teeth when daytime life seems less stressful. That is my experience, and I don't know if it's related to being CIOed. But if it is, it isn't worth it. But how can we know?
How in the heck do you know that anything you do or don't do will "screw up your child for life?" Lay off the judgments, dude. None of us really know how the decisions we make today will impact our children long term. We're all just trying to do the best we can with what we have.
I’m not advocating for anything but figuring out what works for your entire household. People managed to raise babies for thousands of years without the internet to tell them all the ways they were doing it wrong.
The problem with any study on anything is that unless the subjects are all in the same environment, with all other factors completely the same, it’s next to impossible to really say that X causes Y. In fact, rarely does a study “prove” anything. They’re only saying they see correlations between X and Y and you know what that means? NOTHING at all. It’s simply a statement that says “Well we looked at this one variable and saw that where it increased this other attribute increased so it could be that the variable causes the attribute.” COULD BE, might, maybe, but certainly not guaranteed.
It’s not that hard to correlate two occurrences: Ice cream consumption rises in the summer. Crime rises in the summer. Therefore, I suppose ice cream consumption must cause crime, right? I mean it’s not like you could sit here and possibly come up with other reasons why both of those things increase in the warm months, is there?
No one can say that CIO actually hurts babies because we aren’t raising babies in controlled laboratory environments. There are so many differences from one household to the next that contribute to the child’s ultimate well-being. It’s pretty much a crapshoot whether you’re screwing up your kids or not.
Wow, I hope that post was a joke Elis. Please tell me that was a joke and you aren't attributing those things to CIO. A heck of a lot must have happened after the CIO, sorry.
oi read the whole post
quote "That is my experience, and I don’t know if it’s related to being CIOed. But if it is, it isn’t worth it. But how can we know?" unquote.
sick of idiots like you with comments that just waste space.
learn to read
ill agree with that
we have 6 kids under 7 and it gets bloody crazy but i know people who complain about having 1 or 2.
ill say it, i know some of you think it, some people are just not meant to be parents.
from a biological viewpoint yeah you can have kids but from a psycological viewpoint perhaps you shouldnt.
i reckon you should get a license, a police check and a "are you usefull to society" check
then you can have kids.
its not like have a gold fish you just get rid of or ignore.
the extreme CIO that iv listened to people discuss seems very harsh.
a baby is there to be looked after.
we co sleep because it has help our children feel safe at night.
the world is scary and to start with the kids should atleast feel safe with parents.
i look around at the animal kingdom and i think if the mother or father is protecting there young then why shouldnt i.
My reason is simple: I know he cries because he needs something and it KILLS me when he cries. Day or night. I want him to be happy and feel loved.
I'm sorry, but this is hilarious to me. Isn't the whole anti-CIO argument based on interpreting a baby's night time crying as extreme anguish/distress/fear/trauma? Major pot and kettle moment.
You know what I can't stand, listening to judgmental people tell others that they shouldn't do something. Who are you? Some magical guru with amazing intellectual powers that you know all? Talk about grandiose and disillusioned really look in the mirror. Who are you to judge anyone or tell anyone that its "wrong" to let there baby cry it out. Studies are just that studies their is no hard proof. Unless you can show me a scientific study that was replicated with exact results everytime SHUT UP.
You have no idea if it causes long term damage or not simply because YOU CAN"T PROVE IT. Here is a perfect example when your baby is in the car and starts going nuts on a long drive do you take the baby out of the car seat and hold it on your lap while driving 75 mls hour?? Do they just cry till they fall asleep? So was there permanent damage done? I don't think so. Or better yet if they have a screaming fall down tantrum when you won't give them candy does that do permanent damage? LOL, really. People are nuts.
These people are like the bible beaters that try to force their obnoxious views down everyone's throats. Asking you if you found god! I can't stand those people. Everyone wants to run away from anyone that tries to force religious, political or child advice down anyone's' throat. Plus I always say "are you paying my bills?" if not then please mind you down gd business.
Plus why do you feel it necessary to make someone else feel bad about trying to do the best they can in a world where, people have to work and have other kids etc etc. I'm sorry we are all not working or have these amazing support systems where we can do this magic dancing around at night with crazy holding schedules so our kid can sleep when it feels like not when it suppose to. Plus did you ever wonder if maybe the kid/baby wants to sleep and needs help from you??? I mean at least try supportive of other parents not self righteous and sanctimonious.
That is my opinion just makes you class A --a**hole!
what if all other methods have been exhausted???? you have any answers? NO, do you have anything that works with someone that has tried it all?
you don't otherwise you would not be on this website writing comments you'd be a billionaire selling your books and advice all over the world
that tells me a lot about your advice to use another method to CIO. some people have tried everything.
what if all other methods have been exhausted???? you have any answers? NO, do you have anything that works with someone that has tried it all?
you don't otherwise you would not be on this website writing comments you'd be a billionaire selling your books and advice all over the world
that tells me a lot about your advice to use another method to CIO. some people have tried everything.
[...] onto me in the wee hours of the morning and I wonder if all the parents that let their children cry it out have any idea of the wonderful experience they’re missing out on… I guess it sounds a [...]
I've researched this A LOT and here's a short 4 minute video clip I've found on the subject taken from a 3 hour documentary. http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/
Actually babies do need to eat in the middle of the night. They also learn to sleep healthier and happier in their parents bed. Also, I don't know anyone who would suggest sleep training and infant before the age of 6 months. It is a major SIDS risk.
Thank you thank you thank you for this post. I'm going to have my husband read it when he comes home. He's said the term "CIO" when referring to our daughter and getting her transitioned from her bassinet to her crib which has been difficult. I've tried it twice...I only lasted about 3 minutes (longest 3 mins of my life) before I couldn't ignor my "mommy alarm" going off. It just didn't feel right. So I told him there must be better ways...more work I'm sure but BETTER and worth it.... When researching I came upon this post & love how compassionate and clear-cut it is. I'm sure my husband will support me but unfortunately I don't know how to bring this up to my mother-in-law who watches her twice a week while we"re at work. I came home today to hear my husband's mom bragging about how she got my daughter to sleep in her crib twice while I was gone. "I set her in there & shut the door and she only cried for 15 minutes the first time then only 5 miuntes the second! You just need to set her in her crib and she'll cry for a little bit but then she'll fall asleep." ONLY?! I thought...thanks for the advice. She's just trying to help so I'm not mad at her but I DO know that's not what I want for my baby & I don't want that to happen when I'm not around. I just have to get the strength I guess to tell her... :( Once again thanks for the post. It'll give me confidence that I know what I'm talking about and my "mommy alarm" isn't malfunctioning & I'm sure I'll reference a lot of the things said in here. :)
I have a very happy and well rounded 10 month baby. We used CIO method and I not only disagree with your so called facts about future damage I have done to my child, I think the fact that you feel you can tell parents what they are doing is wrong is terrible! no method is wrong as long as it works for the people using it!!!
We were co sleeping for the first 9 months of our baby's life, something which my husband and I both loved. However as our baby grew and I got worn out from nursing all night and not having a decent amount of sleep, plus my baby would refuse to sleep anywhere but on me.
Im not sure about you but after 9 months of being pregnant not very mobile and then 9 months of her in our bed by the time she was 9 months old we were ready to have our bed and a bit of time together at night.
I have been looked after many children over 10 yrs of being a nanny/ childcare worker and now a mother, in that time I have used many different methods and each one has there own benifits. I do stand by the fact that every parent needs a break, you dont have to feel like super women or have other people make you feel shit because you would like your baby to sleep when they are suppose too! babies need sleep, they get tired , if you have the energy to stay up and constantly rock your babie go for it. If you dont then there is NO scientific fact that the CIO harms your child in fact there was a study done in Australia last yr, they say there is no proof that that is the case at all!
Before I started the CIO method I would let my baby play in her crib and get use to her surroundings. I also put the time in to make her a mobile above so she had something to look at as she fell asleep. I truly believ that you are not neglecting your child by giving them a safe place tp have peacful sleep in. It took a 2 hours on the first night with me or my husband going in every 5 minutes to lay her down tell her we love her and tuck her in again. leaving the room once she was seattled .
You really need to know about the method and how it works before you slander it, that being said i agree with the person who call you an A#* Hole for judging parents for doing what they need to do to get throught there day.
Didnt your mother ever tell you if you cant say anything nice dont say it at all, some advice you should consider following!
"i agree with the person who call you an A#* Hole for judging parents" ... "Didnt your mother ever tell you if you cant say anything nice dont say it at all, some advice you should consider following!"
Oh, that's funny. Listen to yourself.
Funny thing was I was being nice! Your article infuriated me, you should learn to write without such conviction towards others and their decisions.
Your word is not final and the fact you have no other comment towards me, makes me realise what type of person you are and it scares me that you are giving parenting advice !
You might have noticed right there in the title: "why it is not for us".
This is, obviously, her site. She is not going about and criticizing others. She is expressing her own opinions, about her own life, in her own space. And she is doing so intelligently, clearly, and with support.
You might also notice the age of this article, the number of comments, and the arguments that have been hashed out, and re-hashed, and turned over and over again.
I happen to agree with Annie's ultimate conclusion and much of (though not all) of her reasoning. Even if I didn't, I certainly could not accuse her of either attacking anyone else nor of not thoroughly presenting her thought process and evidence.
What a dull world it would be if we had no convictions and did not stand up for them. Whether or not I agree with someone, I can certain respect them for at least having beliefs and taking the stand...and being open to reasonable discussion about those beliefs.
This article is garbage, it was clearly written by someone who needed a reason to coddle and smother their child. Countless scientific research disputes every pint this piece has made. I practice the cry out method on my child and I have cousins and friends who do not. My child is much more social and self sufficient than their children. I understand that alot of it falls on personality but I think that some of our parenting methods have brought that out.
I think you are a bit confused as to why people use the cry out method.
[...] am feeling really really about letting jolene cry herself to sleep for the past couple of naps. i have no idea what to do. my decision feels political and not only [...]
I agree Rachel. My son co-slept and breastfed until age 3 and after that it was fairly easy to get him into his toddler bed by moving it one foot a night from next to mine to his room. When he was an infant he would often breastfeed with only half-hour intervals OFF, waking up as many as 10 times in the night. I still found a way to be loving and responsive and maintain my sanity without any help by napping every time he did and, once in a while, crying with him. It was 100% worth it for all the benefits he got, never got sick, now has a great weight and extremely intelligent for his age, very well bonded from the start so he was able to take on his independence fully when he was ready. (I did try cry it out once and decided after about an hour that I should listen to my instincts not to let him cry...and I know he probably doesn't remember it, but I do. And I still feel bad about it so, If you're thinking about not trying it, don't! It is your job as a parent to teach your baby that the world is good, not that it sucks. Other people will teach them that soon enough lol.)
First of all, the CIO sleep method is NOT synonymous with letting your child cry when they are hurt or hungry etc. It's not meant for ANYTHING other than teaching your child healthy sleep habits. Secondly, before you make comments such as "Sleep training doesn't seem worth it when there is a risk of damaging my child's brain development", PLEASE, read the actual studies. The children with emotional, developmental problems, etc are ones who were literally abandoned and whose parents never responded to any cries. Don't make things up and say sleep training causes those issues because the studies show they don't and when you say things like that it just shows your ignorance.
What happens when you are the ONLY parent that gets up at night to feed the baby and you are getting up 10-20 times a night, then you are the only one at home during the day to take care of the baby? How long can you function with no sleep?? I wasn't eating, was anemic, and started having fainting spells. I used CIO on my son because he would NOT sleep. We made sure he was fed, clean diaper, etc...then we would put him in his crib. of course he screamed for the first few minutes, then he went to sleep. Now he is 9 months old, still doesn't sleep thru the night but is only up 2-3 times, not 10 like he was doing 3 months ago.
First of all, the CIO sleep method is NOT synonymous with letting your child cry when they are hurt or hungry etc. It's not meant for ANYTHING other than teaching your child healthy sleep habits. Secondly, before you make comments such as "Sleep training doesn't seem worth it when there is a risk of damaging my child's brain development", PLEASE, read the actual studies. The children with emotional, developmental problems, etc are ones who were literally abandoned and whose parents never responded to any cries. Don't make things up and say sleep training causes those issues because the studies show they don't and when you say things like that it just shows your ignorance.
What happens when you are the ONLY parent that gets up at night to feed the baby and you are getting up 10-20 times a night, then you are the only one at home during the day to take care of the baby? How long can you function with no sleep?? I wasn't eating, was anemic, and started having fainting spells. I used CIO on my son because he would NOT sleep. We made sure he was fed, clean diaper, etc...then we would put him in his crib. of course he screamed for the first few minutes, then he went to sleep. Now he is 9 months old, still doesn't sleep thru the night but is only up 2-3 times, not 10 like he was doing 3 months ago.
And i'm sure my son isn't going to hate me or be a depressed sucidal serial killer
I'm sorry, but no one here has the right to judge another parent. What works for one parent might not work for the other. Our older parents did this when we were younger, I turned out just fine. I know this is not a good reason to put down, but to one of the posters that said, "This is why some of our children are messed up" no it's not! Our children are messed up because we don't do good enough discipline and let them get away with anything. Instead of standing up to the children, but seeing as this isn't about discipline, let me move on/ I have 7 month old child, and I let her cry sometimes, mainly because she likes being held ALL the time. She doesn't want to be put down most of the time. I start school soon for college, and she will have to learn I won't always be there to pick her up while she's crying. She will be in daycare while I'm at school, and daycare will not pick up right away I'm sure. Babies can't be held all the time, or they will never be independent. At night, my child sleeps just fine, although lately she's been teething, which, that is the only thing I don't agree with CIO. When a babies teething, they're in pain and need to be comforted. But, if they're just crying to crying because they want to be held, I see no problem in that. They can't be held their whole lives. They need to learn this. It's extreme that someone would compare CIO method to a gold fish you just ignore. I think you're taking this a bit too far. As I've stated previously, what works for one, may not work for the other. THat's like calling me a bad mother because I couldn't breastfeed. And CIO has nothing to do with NOT protecting our young. You sound poorly uneducated. No the posted, but one of the commenters. Maybe you should think before you type? A baby is there to be looked after, but after a certain point, they need to learn that we can't always be there to hold them through out the night. If you really had a degree is psychology, you would know this. It is important to have independence. Posts like this are really biased and bring out the worst in people, because when someone do not agree, the other is called names and bad parents. Or told they shouldn't have child, which I think is a bit harsh. Who are you to tell someone they shouldn't have children? Just because they let their baby CIO does not make them horrible parents. And to say something like that is very childish and immature. Anyway, my opinion on this is... unsure. Because, since my baby sleeps at night, I need not to worry, but like I said I do let her cry sometimes when I put her down, mainly because I have to clean and such. Study, whatnot. I can not hold her all the time.
Anyway, I think I've stated enough.