Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us
Saturday, July 5, 2008 
Intuitively and instinctively, the cry it out (CIO) method (also known as sleep training or ferberizing or controlled crying) of getting a baby to sleep is not something I ever felt comfortable with. And as I did research on infant sleep, I learned about what normal infant sleep is and I also learned more about the reasons why the CIO method is harmful. There are numerous scientific and emotional reasons why we have chosen not to let our babies cry it out, which I have summarized below.
1. Cry it out can cause harmful changes to babies' brains
Babies cry. They cry to let us know that they need something. And when we don't respond to those cries, it causes them undue amounts of stress. Science has shown that stress in infancy can result in enduring negative impacts on the brain. Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions. Harvard researchers found that it makes them more susceptible to stress as adults and changes the nervous system so that they are overly sensitive to future trauma. Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy is linked with a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. However, if you consistently soothe your child's distress and take any anguished crying seriously, highly effective stress response systems are established in the brain that allow your child to cope with stress later in life.
2. Cry it out can result in decreased intellectual, emotional and social development
At an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings demonstrating that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.” More specifically, other studies have found that babies whose cries are ignored do not develop healthy intellectual and social skills, that they have an average IQ 9 points lower at age 5, they show poor fine motor development, show more difficulty controlling their emotions, and take longer to become independent as children (stay clingy for longer).
3. Cry it out can result in a detached baby
Researchers have shown that although leaving a baby to cry it out does often lead to the cries eventually stopping, the cries do not stop because the child is content or the problem has been alleviated. Rather, they stop because the baby has given up hope that a caregiver will respond and provide comfort. This results in a detached baby. Detached children are less responsive, appear to be depressed or "not there" and often lack empathy.
4. Cry it out is harmful to the parent-child relationship
A child that is left to cry it out is less likely to turn to the parents in times of need. Being attended to as a baby is the most basic of needs and if a child learns at that point that she can count on her parents to respond to her needs, then she will also turn to them later in life when she needs their support. But I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.
5. Cry it out can make children insecure
Children whose caregivers are not consistently responsive and sensitive, often become insecure. Long-term studies have shown that secure individuals are more likely to be outgoing, popular, well-adjusted, compassionate, and altruistic. As adults, secure individuals are likely to be comfortable depending on others, can develop close attachments, and trust their partners. Insecure individuals, on the other hand, tend to be unsettled in their relationships, displaying anxiety (manifesting as possessiveness, jealousy, and clinginess) or avoidance (manifesting as mistrust and a reluctance to depend on others). Parents that use the cry it out method often do so because they are afraid that their children are becoming too dependent. However, an abundance of research shows that regular physical contact, reassurance, and prompt responses to distress in infancy and childhood results in secure and confident adults who are better able to form functional relationships.
6. Cry it out often doesn't work at all
Some babies will not give in. They are resilient or stubborn enough that they refuse to believe that their parents could be so cruel as to leave them to cry to sleep. So instead of whimpering a bit and then drifting off to sleep as some supposed sleep experts would have you believe happens, they end up sobbing and sobbing and sobbing for hours on end. Some end up vomiting. Many end up shaking so hard and become so distraught that once their parents realize that CIO is not going to work, the baby is shaking uncontrollably and hiccuping, too distressed to sleep and too distraught to be calmed down even by a loving parent.
7. Even if cry it out does "work", parents often have to do it over and over again
I can't imagine putting my child through one or several nights of inconsolable crying to get her to go to sleep and I certainly can't imagine having to do it over and over again. However, that is the reality for many parents. I hear people tell me that they always let their child cry for thirty minutes to go to sleep. Or that they have to start the CIO sleep training process all over again after each round of teething, each growth spurt, each developmental milestone.
8. Cry it out is disrespectful of my child's needs
So-called sleep trainers will tell you that after a certain age, babies do not have any more needs at night. Some claim this is after a few short weeks, others after a few months, others after a year. Regardless of the age that is assigned to that message, to me it seems wrong. I'm an adult and yet there are days when I need someone else to comfort me. If I've had a really stressful week at work, if I've had a fight with someone that is important to me, if I've lost a loved one, then I need to be comforted. But how would I feel and what would it do to our relationship if my husband closed the door and walked out of the room and let me "cry it out" myself? I'm an adult and yet there are nights when I am so parched that I need a glass of water or I am so hungry that I need a snack. I'm not going to die if those needs are not met, but I am going to physically uncomfortable and unable to sleep soundly. If I were to let my child CIO, it would be like saying that his needs are not important and that to me is disrespectful. To quote Dr. William Sears on the sleep trainers, "Parents let me caution you. Difficult problems in child rearing do not have easy answers. Children are too valuable and their needs too important to be made victims of cheap, shallow advice".
9. Deep sleep from cry it out is often a result of trauma
Babies who are left to cry it out do sometimes fall into a deep sleep after they finally drop off. And their parents and sleep trainers will hail this as a success of the CIO method. However, babies and young children often sleep deeply after experiencing trauma. Therefore, the deep sleep that follows CIO shouldn't be seen as proof that it works. Rather, it should be seen as a disturbing shortcoming.
10. Our World Needs More Love
Rates of depression are skyrocketing. Violent and senseless crimes are on the rise. As human beings, we need to spend more time being there for each other, showing compassion, nurturing our children. Learning that you can't count on your parents to be there when you need them is a tough lesson to learn that early in life and can be a root of many of the social problems we are facing today. I want to give my kids every chance possible of escaping depression and staying away from violence. And I'm convinced that nurturing them and responding to their needs at night, as I do during the day, is the first step in the right direction.
Those are our reasons for not using the cry it out method. What are yours?
Do you need some gentle sleep tips? See Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
Sources:
The following sources were used in the development of this post:
- Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful to Babies
- Margaret Chuong-Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry
- Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H, F.A.A.P - Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking
- Australian Association for Infant Mental Health - Position Paper 1: Controlled Crying
- Alvin Powell - Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
- Pinky McKay - The Con of Controlled Crying
- Linda Folden Palmer - Stress in Infancy
- Gayle E. McKinnon - CIO? No! The case for not using "cry-it-out" with your children
- Macall Gordon - Is "crying it out" appropriate for infants? A review of the literature on the use of extinction in the first year
- Elizabeth Pantley - The No Cry Sleep Solution (book)
- Katie Allison Granju - Attachment Parenting (book)
- Dr. William Sears - Nighttime Parenting (book)
- Margot Sunderland - The Science of Parenting (book)
Note: Please note that not all of these sources look specifically at crying it out. Some of them look at the risks of excessive crying in general. It is my opinion that excessive crying is excessive crying, whether it happens at night or not. Also, as I discussed in my follow-up post Cry it Out (CIO): Is it harmful or helpful? and Another Academic Weighs in on CIO there is no evidence that cry it out is safe, despite what its supporters will tell you.
Image credit: Anna Szozda on flickr
Reader Comments (478)
You know, as a new parent I marvel at the controversy and intensity of parenting advice and theories in our country. At times it seems ridiculous and at other times it seems to reflect the intense myopia of American life. My 8 month old is a terrible sleeper and my partner and I are totally exhausted. Am I going to be the perfect parent under these circumstances? No. Am I going to make it worse torturing myself over every decision, re: no-cry, CIO, etc. Definitely. You just do your best, try different things, figure out what works reasonably well, and try to make it through these first three years without getting clinically depressed from exhaustion. Our country doesn't support mothers with paid maternity leave or free childcare; and yet, we are tormenting ourselves over these different parenting philosophies. Sometimes I'm frustrating that there's this big breach in our generational supports so that the same advice my mother went on doesn't work for me. I feel without guidance and adrift; surfing the net and finding sites like this one with 251 comments arguing for or against CIO. Then I try to remember that there are bigger things going on in our world, like the intense problems of global climate change, for one thing. Will my kid be damaged by our first year of sleep debacles? Maybe. Are there bigger fish to fry in terms of things that will damage him, i.e. lack of health care in our country, environmental degradation, etc. YES. So, let's all try to keep this in perspective a little bit.
[...] believe that leaving a baby to cry it out is cruel, that spanking is wrong, and that circumcision should be abolished. Over the past week or so, [...]
Do you even know what Crying It Out really is? You seem to think it is completely ignoring (and many do) your baby when he or she cries when you put them down.
Crying It Out involves:
1. Do something comforting (whatever the baby likes, warm baths are typical).
2. After you make sure all needs are met (full belly, changed diaper), set the baby down.
3. If the baby cries, wait five minutes and walk in. Stroke the baby but do not pick he or she up.
4. If the baby continues to cry, wait another five. Continue not picking the baby up.
5. If the baby continues to cry, increase the time (not by a lot, a couple of minutes or so) in which you check in on the baby.
I got my baby a stuffed toy that plays six minutes of soothing music. IF the baby cries at all, it takes maybe thirty seconds for the music to calm him down. Six minutes later he is out. If you do something like this, it is preferable.
P.S. To you parents who have read this article, don't let these people persuade you. If you NEED YOUR SLEEP, try Crying It Out. It is NOT damaging to your child...what CAN BE is if you let lack of sleep pile on lack of sleep. If you let that happen (especially if you have stress in your life, E.G. if you are an Army Wife), you might hurt the baby. This happens WAY too often...don't let the baby completely rule your sleep cycle. If you need sleep, try Crying It Out, no matter what this article says. Your baby WILL BE FINE, not traumatized for the rest of his or her life. (BTW we tried Crying It Out....our baby is the damn happiest baby you could ever see).
Kat, that sounds like a lot of work and not a lot of sleep.
1. lay down with baby
2. lift up your shirt, latch baby on
3. sleep
Granted, your CIO method is one of the better ones, but still a lot of work for parents whose baby does not eventually start falling asleep in a few minutes like yours. I know parents who tried that method and had to do that "every 5 minutes" thing for an hour. THAT leaves a parent sleep deprived and thinking that maybe they should just leave the baby to cry for longer, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour...... then it absolutely is traumatic. And even this more gentle method you are describing still teaches the baby that their need, the reason they are crying, be it loneliness or hunger or thirst, is not important and will not be responded to.
"Author: Kat
Comment:
Do you even know what Crying It Out really is? You seem to think it is completely ignoring (and many do) your baby when he or she cries when you put them down.
Crying It Out involves:
1. Do something comforting (whatever the baby likes, warm baths are typical).
2. After you make sure all needs are met (full belly, changed diaper), set the baby down.
3. If the baby cries, wait five minutes and walk in. Stroke the baby but do not pick he or she up.
4. If the baby continues to cry, wait another five. Continue not picking the baby up.
5. If the baby continues to cry, increase the time (not by a lot, a couple of minutes or so) in which you check in on the baby.
I got my baby a stuffed toy that plays six minutes of soothing music. IF the baby cries at all, it takes maybe thirty seconds for the music to calm him down. Six minutes later he is out. If you do something like this, it is preferable.
P.S. To you parents who have read this article, don't let these people persuade you. If you NEED YOUR SLEEP, try Crying It Out. It is NOT damaging to your child...what CAN BE is if you let lack of sleep pile on lack of sleep. If you let that happen (especially if you have stress in your life, E.G. if you are an Army Wife), you might hurt the baby. This happens WAY too often...don't let the baby completely rule your sleep cycle. If you need sleep, try Crying It Out, no matter what this article says. Your baby WILL BE FINE, not traumatized for the rest of his or her life. (BTW we tried Crying It Out....our baby is the damn happiest baby you could ever see)."
My first baby was born while my husband was in Iraq. She was colicky AND had a heart condition that required open heart surgery when she was three months.
Yes, lack of sleep can be damaging to you and your relationship to the baby--but using more gentle methods of getting the baby to sleep does not necessarily mean you will get less sleep than if you cry it out.
"Cry It Out" is quite explicit in its very name--the baby cries until the baby no longer resists sleep. The "experts" who recommend CIO describe programs that are more similar to this definition than yours.
You can call what you are doing whatever you like but it is hardly fair to attack "these people" for taking those who developed the method at their word.
There are some CIO "expert" advocates who recommend what is called "graduated extinction"...getting past the ickiness of the name, it is a CIO alternative that has you go in every 5 minutes the first night or nights, 10 minutes the next set of nights, 15 minutes, and so on.
The idea behind this is that if you go in every 5 minutes every night, the baby learns that crying for 5 minutes brings you. Gradually increasing the interval means the baby doesn't have this set goal.
While I would tend to agree (on gut instinct, not any medical science) that 5 minutes of crying isn't going to harm a child who after a night or two of this goes right to sleep, most parents who are "resorting" to some form of CIO probably have more intense/sensitive/callitwhateveryoulike babies...which means that parent is looking at many nights of this. This seems like a lot less sleep than I got teaching my children to sleep by attending to their needs and then gradually reducing the amount of comfort I offered.
Regardless, every 5 minutes, gradually increasing intervals, leaving the child to cry until the child stops, this isn't what we chose to do.
We did not do this because everything in my mother's instinct, millennia of cultural and biological history, and what little medical research there is argues against it.
While I do not think it is fair to extrapolate from one study of a Romanian orphanage where babies were neglected that an otherwise loving parent is "damaging" to a child, there are some things that are clear fact-based.
Extended crying produces a stress reaction. This has chemical effects on the body and brain.
Infants are not aware that a parent they cannot see is in the next room. This sort of object permanence does not develop until 8-12 months.
Sigh, I wish YOU had a blog.
[...] that crying it out was wrong (or at least wrong for us), because PhD in Parenting has an excellent article on the subject. [Plus, let's be honest. I do research for a living and I just can't bring myself to [...]
What a wonderful post! I find it interesting that the advocates of "cry it out" have no problem telling others why they, too, should do it. Finally, I have some supportive information and research to offer the next time that happens!
[...] surprise me that this research she refers to suggests that just letting a kid cry excessively is damaging (even if the research was not the most conclusive and only looked at sleep [...]
I just have to say something. How about the first day you bring your babies home, put them in their cribs not in your room. I did that and used a baby monitor and never had a problem. We did have to use the CIO method for 15 mins no more and he was not screaming he was more like whining. This is at 10 months old when he would climb out of his crib(well try to). We had to convert his crib into a toddler bed and he was just not used to it the first night. I disagree with the bad stuff about it. My son and I are VERY close. I did it one time and never had to do it again. My son has no social or developmental delays and is VERY smart. Every child is different and every parent knows their child. There is a difference if your child is screaming and you leave them screaming for 3 hours. I wouldnt do it more than 15-20 mins. Sounds like these moms need to get a routine and stick with it and PUT THEM IN THEIR OWN CRIBS! Now I can see a co sleeper or bassinet next to a bed but dont bring them into bed with you.
[...] to the blog PhD in Parenting: “Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress [...]
I think CIO in these articles generally refers to babies. Toddlers (12ish months and up)are going to cry and throw tantrums for a myriad of reasons, including not wanting to go to bed. The big difference is that they have language or the ability to express themselves in otherways than crying. i jump to every cry that I can for my infants, but wean them off my immediate attention as they mature.
there is a dvd called the happiest baby on the block maybe you should look into other soothing methods!!!!
[...] research because they really want to weigh things out before making the decision might like this. Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us | PhD in Parenting HANDOUT - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to [...]
[...] been reading about it for weeks and what’s out there is horrifying. I highly recommend just implementing the tactics (if you are so inclined) rather than reading the [...]
[...] say that babies need to be taught to sleep through the night and that it is necessary to let them cry it out to achieve this. However, the Western child rearing practices of having babies sleep in separate [...]
Thank you so much for posting this. As I read this I felt validation for every instinct I had when dealing with my son's sleeping issues. My husband and I do not believe in crying it out and we have gotten so much flack from people because of it. Well-meaning friends and family members have made us feel as though we are letting our son "get over" on us because we don't leave him to cry alone in the dark. We go to him when he cries. We are not as well-rested as some parents we know, but we feel good about our decision. Our son is a happy baby who isn't anxious or afraid of strangers. We think he is so secure simply because he knows he can always count on us to be there when he needs us. We have friends who let their kids CIO, and have had to do it over and over after developmental milestones, teething or vacations. It just seems pointless to me, not to mention that their children are not nearly as confident and self-assured as our son is. We really attribute that to the fact that we respond when he calls. Everyone has the right to raise their child in the manner they wish (within reason, of course!), but we know what works for us.
11 weeks and doing CIO???????????????????????? Even the CIO supporters don't support babies CIO at that young age.
I know this is an older comment, but I just had to say that the dr is an idiot. Babies do not have the emotional or cognitive abilities to have a temper tantrum.
If anyone else with a car seat screamer reads this, some babies become much happier if you use a convertible car seat instead of the baby bucket. Some are actually experiencing car sickness & nothing will make it better & some will just eventually adjust to the car seat.
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Then mothers like me will show you their healthy, happy babies who HAVE done CIO.
"You're telling me this is a traumatized child?", they will say to you as the baby tries for the umpteenth time to eat their hair, their phone, or whatever is in their reach, looking undeniably happy to do so.
I think the big point being overlooked here, by both sides of the argument, is that what works for one kid does not always work for another kid. I know lots of kids for whom CIO worked with a minimum of fussing, and they are doing great. I would never claim that CIO uniformly was a bad decision. Unfortunately it DID traumatize our kid, and it took him months to recover. Claiming that this did not happen or that we "did it wrong" is no more fair than it is to claim that all kids who have experienced CIO must be traumatized, even if you can't see it. It's a pity that so many parents are so wedded to their own experiences that they can't acknowledge that child-rearing isn't one-size-fits-all.
I would like to know where the studies that support these conclusions exist. Please provide references. Also, just because that is how you feel does not make it true, let alone "science". Science is the TESTING OF A HYPOTHESIS. Please explain how these hypotheses were tested. In one crib was a baby left to cry and in another crib a baby soothed and brain changes measured? If so how were all other variables controlled? i.e. genetics? prenatal care? etc! Lets not call personal feelings science as it confuses people. If there is science that backs up any of these claims it should be cited.
Ok, so it's a great article, but I've always been taught if you have certain views and are wanting to express them, you should be able to provide "solutions". I have a 9.5 month daughter -- we have been trying cry it out method, per our doctors orders, since she randomly decided she hated her pacifier. My daughter has never been a baby you could "rock" to sleep -- I can OCCASSIONALY get her to sleep with a bottle if she is EXHAUSTED, but I can't just hold her and rock away.... She used to sleep wonderful, when she had a pacifier. There are no medical issues...teething is most likely culprit as when teeth emerged, pacifier stopped. So, in your article, your against what my doctor recommended, and honestly, I'm not for it either. I hate it! Plus, it's suppose to get "better" over days/weeks -- we've done it over a month and she still cries over an hour... so, suggestions?
And, yes, I have a bedtime routine - she has white noise, night light, etc... we do lavender bath, yadayayada -- the whole nine yards... we tried increasing bottle oz, but nothing works.... so, if you can't rock a baby and cry it out doesn't work...what do you do?
In response to Natalie:
When CIO failed for our child, we first tried to make our son (then 10 months old) feel safe again, hoping this would soothe him back from his 8 or more wakings a night (which he began around 7-8 months) to the 1-2 wakings per night he'd had previously. Didn't work, nor did co-sleeping. He woke just as much, but suddenly my husband and I were taking shifts sleeping in the guest room so one of us could function each day.
When he was 12 months, we broke down and hired a sleep consultant. She told us that she'd encountered many kids like mine, who simply were extremely frightened being left alone and stubborn enough to keep screaming til someone came, even if it took all night. She recommended that we use a version of the Baby Whisperer's pick up/put down method. With that, after you have your bedtime routine with your child, you get him comfy and sleepy and then put him in his crib, awake. Of course he starts screaming and jumps up, wanting to be held. You pick him up and lay him back down, talking soothingly to him, and rubbing his back to let him know you're there. You don't take him out of the crib unless he's extremely upset, and then you put him back in, awake, once he's comforted and calmed down. For us, this approach worked. Though he screamed and was seriously pissed off at us, he wasn't terrified like he had been with CIO. With CIO he NEVER fell asleep, all night long, though we made routine checks back to him every 5-15 minutes. With the pick up/put down method, he was mad and sulky, but fell asleep the first night after about 90 minutes, the second night after 45 minutes, and the third night after 15 minutes.
For us, the problem hadn't been getting him to sleep, but getting him to stop his hourly night wakings. This worked as well for that problem, though it took a couple of weeks to stop the night wakings. Once he understood that the rules had changed, that we would come when he called and we wouldn't leave him alone but that he WOULD fall asleep in his crib and not in our arms,he started actually doing it, and learning how to put himself back to sleep. This approach was easier on us, too, as we were in there with him and able to do what we could to comfort him, and see for ourselves that he was ok. You're supposed to eventually be able to say goodnight to him and leave him alone and awake in the crib, where he will then fall asleep, but that hasn't happened for us, we still need to be in the room til he falls asleep.
For several months he was routinely sleeping through the night. Now at 18 months, after two back to back trips where his sleeping was messed up, we're having to go through some of the "training" again. But again, he's mad at us, but not frightened, which makes it doable.
Hope that helps, for providing a more "concrete" plan for an alternative to CIO!
Natalie:
If you look right before the sources at the bottom of the article, you will see:
Do you need some gentle sleep tips? http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/2009/02/28/gentle-baby-and-toddler-sleep-tips/" rel="nofollow">See Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
Wow! This has been quite a debate which I arrived at late. But I can't leave without comment.
Thank you to all the parents who so bravely spoke out for sleep training. All of your posts demonstrated that you made informed choices to sleep train your children from a place of love. I don't believe that the form of CIO that this blog entry speaks to would be used or promoted by any healthy, functional parent. This is likely why it upset and offended so many of us. Finally, Sigh: I, too, wish you had a blog:)
I attempted a quick CIO spell and it was clear it wouldn't work. My son, like your daughter, wouldn't go for it. He would only fall aslep nursng or with bottle he is now 18 mo and we just stopped nursing and still needs a bottle at bed time. I tried several book for sleep training but we quickly realizeda family bed was all that worked. I look at it as, these years will be gone before we know it. When I read the book" Three in a bed" it cemented our decision. It works for us. I don't think its for everyone but its working for us. Its the only way we all sleep. Keep in mind, not all babies are easy at bedtime. My son still wakes once or twice a night.
As Annie mentioned, she has a post with tips...but there are lots of tips out there for "gentle" sleep methods and, as you say, you've tried it all.
I don't mean this in a snarky way because I was there, too. My first, a girl, was a "high needs" baby and colicky as an infant, had reflux, and also was a very stubborn toddler. I'm sure you really have tried pretty much everything.
A few things: you may have tried it all but have you tried all of those things recently? And possibly in combination with several other techniques?
For example, my daughter did not sleep well in bed with us...until she was about 14 months. Then we co-slept for about four months, at which point she was back in her own bed all night for a while. My point is that something that seems to not work at all will suddenly work and then will suddenly stop working.
Another thing to watch is whether you tried something consistently for at least four days, maybe even a week. Some things won't work the first time, or even the first two or three times, and then suddenly you and the baby fall into a rhythm.
Also, sometimes things work in combination. If you find a combo that works, you can gradually dial back things.
Remember, ultimately, it is all a stage. Nothing may work for a few weeks during teething or learning to crawl or learning to walk. But the key is to parent in a way that is consistent with your own values ... because all this will pass eventually and what will be left is your relationship with your children and how you feel about what happened.
We went through a few challenging stages with my now 4.5 year old daughter...and she outgrew them all and she sleeps in her own bed all night.
My other advice is can you get someone trustworthy, who will attempt to follow your wishes, to watch the baby for a night? Even if the baby cries in that other person's arms--if you can get one night of really good sleep, you might be better able to address the sleep issues!
[...] in the future, along with physical and psychological trauma for the baby at present. (“10 Reasons Why Cry It Out Is Not For Us“) (Seriously, read some of these [...]
I am glad I found this post you wrote a few years ago. My daughter is almost 9 months, we co-sleep, and she wakes up once a night and sometimes more. I alway have people telling me to just let her cry and she will sleep the night. However, I am not comfortable with that and do not believe that will make her sleep all night. Now what is happening, is my husband is questioning why we do not let her cry and this makes me very upset. So I just finished reading him this post and he said: "so I guess we are not doing the CIO method, eh?" My response: "Nope!" Thanks for sharing this! It helped me avoid a small argument with my husband! :)
First off, I think this article is awesome! You hit the nails right on the head. I will never for the life of me understand why people are so willing to have children and yet so unwilling to be decent parents! There is simply nothing okay about neglecting your children, and it's sad that CIO isn't more readily recognized for what it is - infant neglect! Sure it can be hard to be there for their every need - but guess what, parenting is hard!
I'd never heard of CIO until I had a child. I never have used CIO. I agree with ten reasons against it. Also, I think back to our days as more "primitive" peoples, when a baby cried, predators would be alerted and that spells danger. CIO would not have worked eons ago, so we're not meant to CIO. Babies cry for a REASON. Ignoring it is pure cruelty. I enjoy my "mamas boy" baby thank you very much :) Everyone, even strangers, comments how happy he is. When he cries, I'm there asap to try and remedy it and comfort him.
There are other things related to parenting that we disagree on, but not using the cry it out method is something we have always both agreed on and always both supported each other on. If one of us is feeling frustrated and at our wit's end with a baby or toddler who will not sleep, we are lucky to have the other one to step in and help.
[...] I wrote what has become the most viewed and the most popular post on this blog. I wrote the post, Cry it Out (CIO): 10 Reasons Why it is Not for Us, after years as a message board moderator where we would post lists and lists of links over and [...]
I find it ironic that parents who think CIO is in the best interest of their child leave their baby to sob themselves to sleep, then walk down the hall to their bedroom where they are most likely sleeping with someone else.
I'm not a woman yet who is looking to have a child, however I am very interested in child development. I don't think I would ever feel comfortable allowing my child to cry it out in order for it to fall asleep, but when I think of this topic I always remember one story of someone I know of whose partner and himself co-slept as an entire family, and the children never wanted to stop co-sleeping. By the time they were between 5 and 7 mum, dad and the 2 kids were still all tucked into the same bed and the parents were trying to figure out how they could encourage their children to stop cosleeping. I definitely wouldn't want to find myself in such a situation (that my now growing child rarely if ever spends one night on his own in bed) and I wander if co-sleeping instead of allowing baby to cry it out causes the child to never break away from that night time comfort. Is there a solution to this possibility that still allows for a parent to not go the CIO route?
Your thoughts are appreciated.
Candice:
Yes, there are many approaches.
The one that I like the most is waiting until the child is old enough to understand reason, express fears and have a conversation. At that point, I think you can discuss options with the child. What has worked for a lot of families is to gradually move towards having the child sleep on their own. Move from lying down with them to sitting on the edge of the bed. Then move to sitting in a chair in the room. Then move to sitting outside their room. Then move to agreeing to stay on the same floor of the house while they fall asleep. Then eventually being able to say goodnight and walk out. That approach can usually be used successfully with toddlers or preschoolers.
For parents who wait longer, once a child is able to read, giving them permission to read to themselves (or listen to audio books) after you have tucked them in is another option. That way, if they are not yet tired, they are not just lying alone in the dark.
There are many other ideas in books like the No Cry Sleep books by Elizabeth Pantley too. What works really depends on the family and on the children.
OK that's great, thanks for the info, I will get my hands on a No Cry Sleep book.
I think from an evolutionary perspective letting a baby cry it out seems really unnatural, I don't know of any mammal in the wild or even a tribe who leaves their vulnerable young entirely on their own, not to mention the noise of a crying baby that all predators would hear and come racing towards. (That thought comes to mind because I've been learning about human evolution lately).
Screw you.
I hope you're ok with the fact i took this top ten, and linked to the post with my own commentary?
http://mzvanessa.blogspot.com/2011/07/cry-it-out-cio-10-reasons-why-it-is-not.html
1. My reasons for not CIO: I wouldn't like it if i called out for someone and they didn't come, in fact i would likely stop calling out for them eventually (just like babies eventually just stop crying) why would i do something to my child that i wouldn't want done to me?
2. Responding to a child means they'll feel secure. Them feeling secure means they are more likely to become secure adults. We need more secure adults in society.
[...] Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us | PhD in Parenting 1. CIO can cause harmful changes to babies’ brains [...]
[...] I do believe CIO and CC are the same. Babies and young children have no concept of time. In a word, yes I believe it's wrong. This covers a few reasons why. http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/ [...]
Interesting topic. I hadn't heard much about CIO before I became a parent; however, in my psychology training, one of the first things we were taught in terms of children and independence, is how important and valuable it is to assist children with sleeping independently. This is where the art and science of parenting coexist, I guess. Because to me, it made perfect sense to encourage independence in terms of sleeping independently, but I was never a big fan of CIO. My philosophy was to prevent having to ever use CIO at all by creating sleeping habits from the very beginning. So, from birth, I had my daughter (now 4) sleep independently. Her bassinet was by my bed until she was 4 months old, and then we moved her to her own room. She always went to sleep on her own. She never cried about it. As a newborn I stayed with her and patted her till she fell asleep. By 2 months, I created a sleep routine that included a bedtime story (yes to a 2 month old) and then just put her in her bed. She learned very quickly to sleep on her own. She's had some periods of time when sleeping thru the night has been a challenge and I have ALWAYS gone to check on her and make sure she was ok. During the separation anxiety period, for 6 months we had to stay in the room with her till she fell asleep. After the 6th month, I felt she was ready to move past this and encouraged her to sleep on her own (she was about 17 months). She cried briefly the first night (about 5 minutes) and then after that night, she cried about 30 seconds the following night, then not at all. As a toddler, she went thru a period of waking up in the middle of the night and coming in my room to sleep with me. We then set a rule that she can only come in when it's light outside and for the most part that has worked. As a preschooler now, she sometimes has nightmares and comes in to my room. When this happens, it's about 50/50 on whether I will take her back to her room and assist her with going to sleep, or just let her sleep with me. LOL...but I am comfortable with the fact that more than 90% of the time she sleeps in her won bed at night and 100% of the time she is able to go to bed without any trouble and can put herself to sleep. What I have noticed about some parents I know who have co-slept with their kids, is the difficulty they then have when trying to get their kids to sleep independently. Many then either resort to CIO or don't sleep well themselves because they have toddlers or older children sleeping with them. I think, as in all aspects of parenting, you have to do what feels right to you in your gut...what your intuition tells you makes sense for you. There is definitely a psychology behind independent sleeping; however, exactly how you get there (and maybe when) may be debatable.
One thing I would like to bring up is that parents who "co-sleep" include both those who co-slept intentionally, from the beginning...and those who did it because they had very fussy babies and co-sleeping was the best way for the whole family to get rest.
So, within your sample of parents you know who co-slept, you may have a few who did so out of necessity--and therefore have children who resisted sleep from the start.
I don't think you can "prevent" a child who has difficulty falling asleep alone by never sharing sleep space. You were just blessed with a child who slept well.
I have three children and the first was colicky and intense...the second mellow and easy-going...the third seems to be somewhere in between. Through having three very different children, I've learned a lot about how much is what I do and how much is just "temperament". You can guide children but not change them.
Just like with my first child who always loved to eat her vegetables and try new foods...it was undoubtedly because I fed her so well from the beginning, right? Enter child #2 who went through a "cheese crackers" phase...I'm just saying you learn a great deal of parenting humility once you have several of the little ones.
I do appreciate the last part of your comment--I agree that the goal is independence (to some degree)...but how much and when is largely an individual and family matter.
Finally, I would be curious to see the psychology science that backs up the idea of independent sleep for children...I've seen plenty about the effects of lack of sleep...but I haven't seen any science that supports the idea that children, especially babies, need to sleep alone. In fact, I've seen the opposite--that bonding throughout the day and night is important for a child's development.
Samantha M.
I'd be curious to learn more about the actual science behind independent sleeping. I always thought it was mostly a cultural thing.
phdinparenting:
It was not my intention to start a debate on co-sleeping vs independent sleeping and I hope to avoid that. I respect the difference in opinion and accept that there are millions of people co-sleeping with their children. I do have a doctorate in psychology, but culture may absolutely play a role in how my training was taught (here in the US)...and of course, mental health training is not the be all end all of all information...so I just want to pitch that out there. The theory goes (from a psychological theory perspective) that co-sleeping fosters a more dependent personality than independence. Children come to rely on parents for soothing and comfort, and are delayed in learning how to soothe themselves and separate from their parents. It is also very difficult to get a co-sleeper to later become an independent sleeper as they are used to the parent being in the bed with them to go to sleep. I was actually just reading another article on another web page, that suggested that no matter which way you do it (in terms of co-sleeping vs independent sleeping), the child should go to sleep on their own. In any case, the training I had made sense to me from a developmental perspective in terms of my interest in wanting my child to be independent (she may naturally be so due to her parents). As Candace says above, it may very well be my daughter's personality...there is no way for me to challenge that...but it may not be. I have taken mindful action to provide her with a diet I felt would help develop her palette a particular way (the food thing was mentioned by Candace) and sleep in a particular way (I used the eat, play, sleep method which helps prevent food from becoming a source of comfort, which is a huge problem in our society). My goals are to assist my daughter in becoming an independent thinker as it will encourage her to be a leader in her class/school and less reliant on her peers for ideas on how she should think (I also believe in the Montessori method of learning which also fosters independence)...we can argue over the chicken and the egg, but we can never know the final answer. So, what we have in common...I don't like CIO either...where we differ, co-sleeping. For me, the science behind personality development made sense, it may not for you. I totally respect that.
And there's the cultural bias...the focus on independence. Totally a Western idea and actually becoming a bit of a dinosaur in so many areas of life. To me independence creates the false security of being able to DIY, which really...none of us do. As adults, we take comfort in sharing our beds with our partners. Go into business partnerships, form teams, communities, go to group therapy, go to therapy, have friendships, and all sorts of relationships where we rely on others and they on us.
Just take the workplace, for example - do we value those who are creative and do it on their own or do we need people who work well within a team, recognize their own strengths and weaknesses as well as those of other and use our knowledge to better further larger goasl?
If we recognize INTERDEPENDENCE as a reality of life, and indeed a NECESSITY. Why are we so hell bent on making CHILDREN (who are developing, growing an understanding of their world and really needing comfort and guidance) independent? Makes no sense.
Not in the interest of starting a debate...I'm also not interested in debating co-sleeping because honestly I think some kids sleep better closer to their parents and others sleep better with some distance. Same goes for the parents.
...but again, I'm just wondering about the "science" you were taught. From the perspective of honest curiosity.
You mention psychological *theory* but I'm wondering specifically what sort of science is involved to support that theory? You say "the theory goes"... Are there studies and statistics? Brain imaging? Tests of hormone levels? Longitudinal observations of future independent behavior?
Your theory certainly sounds logical...but no more so than the other theory that fostering a secure bond in infancy helps children be more independent later on. No more so than pointing out that societies where co-sleeping is the norm seem to have no greater issues with later independence or even independent sleeping (in fact, they may have less).
Logic is all well and good but it can easily lead to false and contradictory conclusions... without rigorous study and proof it is just an interesting possibility.
In terms of temperament, I bring that up because I also followed some very well thought-out theories in my child-rearing and I can tell you from both personal experience and familiarity with various studies that some children may just be born more sensitive than others. My kids have the same parents, same upbringing...and they are still very, very different. I was a classroom teacher and saw this in other siblings, as well.
Even in traditional societies, where there is much less crying because of the child-rearing techniques, there are still children who have colic. Studies have shown that nurses can tell as early as the first day which children will be more fussy--there is just something in the cry that is an indicator that come week 3, those parents are in for an adventure.
The fact that colic consistently starts at week 3, peaks at weeks 6-8, and fades by week 12 (adjusted in the case of preemies), also points to it not being a parenting issue.
Also, colic is not seen more frequently in firstborns-- If something in the parenting was creating this increased neediness and irritability, you would expect to see more firstborns with colic.
I really don't want to begrudge you your assumptions that you created this. You sound like an excellent parent and what you are doing *does* matter, IMO. In fact, the way you respond may be even more important with more sensitive children...but that doesn't mean that the right parenting will end the crying.
However, the idea that mindful parenting can ensure that a child sleeps peacefully implies that parents with colicky children somehow caused that.
This has been disproved by scientific studies--the mother's anxiety level, the style of parenting, the way in which the parents put the child to sleep...NONE of it creates colic. And a colicky child just isn't going to drift off to sleep because of consistent routine and mindful parenting.
The reason why this matters is that colic CAN affect the mother's anxiety and depression levels. And then imagine, on top of that, to have a society that tells her it is due to her parenting (when there is evidence to the contrary)...
In the end, most kids do not have colic. They will probably respond very well to what you did with your own child...and they'll also probably respond well to co-sleeping and leave the family bed when they are a little older. Two normal, loved kids will probably turn out fine whether they sleep independently or in a family bed.
Usually parents seeking out sleep advice are the outliers--the ones with the kids with more challenging, intense temperaments. And the CIO and the non-CIO advice is usually directed at them, not at the parents of the 80% of children who fall more in the range of "normal" temperament.
There is no imperative or need to co-sleep. We've sometimes co-slept, sometimes not, sometimes used an attached bassinet. My first couldn't sleep in bed with me until she suddenly only slept with me and then suddenly was back in her own bed. So, it isn't about co-sleeping so much as the idea that the right start can prevent these issues.
Who said anything about being solo?? Being independent does not mean you can't work on a team or participate in relationships...why would being independent mean that?? It is about being able to think for yourself and soothe yourself and calm yourself down when needed. Perhaps I should also explain that as a psychologist, I see far too many clients (children, adolescents, and adults) who came from pretty good homes (and some who didn't) who suffer from a range of anxiety related or depression related issues. I have met many a person who has no idea how to think for themselves or make choices independently without looking for the acceptance of others or wanting to please others (this is going into a whole other topic here)... because of the work I have been doing over the years, it was important to me that my daughter be an independent thinker (as much as it drives me crazy at times right now) and so I put into place a variety of things I felt (from various information pools) would serve that purpose. Being an independent thinker has nothing to do with doing everything yourself. When children learn to do things for themselves they develop self-confidence. The separation/individuation phase is a real developmental phase that all children go thru...twice. Once in toddler years and again in adolescence (it's not coincidental that those tantrums may seem familiar lol). There is not a parent who has not had a toddler say "I can do it", "let me do it" etc...this is all about an interest in independence and our role as parent is to allow that process to occur. By stifling it, you derail the process. And while we are all social beings, the reality is that we need to be able to take care of ourselves independently...none of us would want our kids in an unhealthy relationship because they were afraid to be alone. Western culture definitely does promote independence. I would agree with that. Our culture does not support or promote communal living or extended family living...many other cultures do...but many cultures also simply want people to do as they are told and from the outside may seem pretty rigid in their structure and follow a community norm. We probably couldn't have these debates in those same cultures.