Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us
Saturday, July 5, 2008 
Intuitively and instinctively, the cry it out (CIO) method (also known as sleep training or ferberizing or controlled crying) of getting a baby to sleep is not something I ever felt comfortable with. And as I did research on infant sleep, I learned about what normal infant sleep is and I also learned more about the reasons why the CIO method is harmful. There are numerous scientific and emotional reasons why we have chosen not to let our babies cry it out, which I have summarized below.
1. Cry it out can cause harmful changes to babies' brains
Babies cry. They cry to let us know that they need something. And when we don't respond to those cries, it causes them undue amounts of stress. Science has shown that stress in infancy can result in enduring negative impacts on the brain. Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions. Harvard researchers found that it makes them more susceptible to stress as adults and changes the nervous system so that they are overly sensitive to future trauma. Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy is linked with a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. However, if you consistently soothe your child's distress and take any anguished crying seriously, highly effective stress response systems are established in the brain that allow your child to cope with stress later in life.
2. Cry it out can result in decreased intellectual, emotional and social development
At an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings demonstrating that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.” More specifically, other studies have found that babies whose cries are ignored do not develop healthy intellectual and social skills, that they have an average IQ 9 points lower at age 5, they show poor fine motor development, show more difficulty controlling their emotions, and take longer to become independent as children (stay clingy for longer).
3. Cry it out can result in a detached baby
Researchers have shown that although leaving a baby to cry it out does often lead to the cries eventually stopping, the cries do not stop because the child is content or the problem has been alleviated. Rather, they stop because the baby has given up hope that a caregiver will respond and provide comfort. This results in a detached baby. Detached children are less responsive, appear to be depressed or "not there" and often lack empathy.
4. Cry it out is harmful to the parent-child relationship
A child that is left to cry it out is less likely to turn to the parents in times of need. Being attended to as a baby is the most basic of needs and if a child learns at that point that she can count on her parents to respond to her needs, then she will also turn to them later in life when she needs their support. But I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.
5. Cry it out can make children insecure
Children whose caregivers are not consistently responsive and sensitive, often become insecure. Long-term studies have shown that secure individuals are more likely to be outgoing, popular, well-adjusted, compassionate, and altruistic. As adults, secure individuals are likely to be comfortable depending on others, can develop close attachments, and trust their partners. Insecure individuals, on the other hand, tend to be unsettled in their relationships, displaying anxiety (manifesting as possessiveness, jealousy, and clinginess) or avoidance (manifesting as mistrust and a reluctance to depend on others). Parents that use the cry it out method often do so because they are afraid that their children are becoming too dependent. However, an abundance of research shows that regular physical contact, reassurance, and prompt responses to distress in infancy and childhood results in secure and confident adults who are better able to form functional relationships.
6. Cry it out often doesn't work at all
Some babies will not give in. They are resilient or stubborn enough that they refuse to believe that their parents could be so cruel as to leave them to cry to sleep. So instead of whimpering a bit and then drifting off to sleep as some supposed sleep experts would have you believe happens, they end up sobbing and sobbing and sobbing for hours on end. Some end up vomiting. Many end up shaking so hard and become so distraught that once their parents realize that CIO is not going to work, the baby is shaking uncontrollably and hiccuping, too distressed to sleep and too distraught to be calmed down even by a loving parent.
7. Even if cry it out does "work", parents often have to do it over and over again
I can't imagine putting my child through one or several nights of inconsolable crying to get her to go to sleep and I certainly can't imagine having to do it over and over again. However, that is the reality for many parents. I hear people tell me that they always let their child cry for thirty minutes to go to sleep. Or that they have to start the CIO sleep training process all over again after each round of teething, each growth spurt, each developmental milestone.
8. Cry it out is disrespectful of my child's needs
So-called sleep trainers will tell you that after a certain age, babies do not have any more needs at night. Some claim this is after a few short weeks, others after a few months, others after a year. Regardless of the age that is assigned to that message, to me it seems wrong. I'm an adult and yet there are days when I need someone else to comfort me. If I've had a really stressful week at work, if I've had a fight with someone that is important to me, if I've lost a loved one, then I need to be comforted. But how would I feel and what would it do to our relationship if my husband closed the door and walked out of the room and let me "cry it out" myself? I'm an adult and yet there are nights when I am so parched that I need a glass of water or I am so hungry that I need a snack. I'm not going to die if those needs are not met, but I am going to physically uncomfortable and unable to sleep soundly. If I were to let my child CIO, it would be like saying that his needs are not important and that to me is disrespectful. To quote Dr. William Sears on the sleep trainers, "Parents let me caution you. Difficult problems in child rearing do not have easy answers. Children are too valuable and their needs too important to be made victims of cheap, shallow advice".
9. Deep sleep from cry it out is often a result of trauma
Babies who are left to cry it out do sometimes fall into a deep sleep after they finally drop off. And their parents and sleep trainers will hail this as a success of the CIO method. However, babies and young children often sleep deeply after experiencing trauma. Therefore, the deep sleep that follows CIO shouldn't be seen as proof that it works. Rather, it should be seen as a disturbing shortcoming.
10. Our World Needs More Love
Rates of depression are skyrocketing. Violent and senseless crimes are on the rise. As human beings, we need to spend more time being there for each other, showing compassion, nurturing our children. Learning that you can't count on your parents to be there when you need them is a tough lesson to learn that early in life and can be a root of many of the social problems we are facing today. I want to give my kids every chance possible of escaping depression and staying away from violence. And I'm convinced that nurturing them and responding to their needs at night, as I do during the day, is the first step in the right direction.
Those are our reasons for not using the cry it out method. What are yours?
Do you need some gentle sleep tips? See Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
Sources:
The following sources were used in the development of this post:
- Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful to Babies
- Margaret Chuong-Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry
- Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H, F.A.A.P - Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking
- Australian Association for Infant Mental Health - Position Paper 1: Controlled Crying
- Alvin Powell - Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
- Pinky McKay - The Con of Controlled Crying
- Linda Folden Palmer - Stress in Infancy
- Gayle E. McKinnon - CIO? No! The case for not using "cry-it-out" with your children
- Macall Gordon - Is "crying it out" appropriate for infants? A review of the literature on the use of extinction in the first year
- Elizabeth Pantley - The No Cry Sleep Solution (book)
- Katie Allison Granju - Attachment Parenting (book)
- Dr. William Sears - Nighttime Parenting (book)
- Margot Sunderland - The Science of Parenting (book)
Note: Please note that not all of these sources look specifically at crying it out. Some of them look at the risks of excessive crying in general. It is my opinion that excessive crying is excessive crying, whether it happens at night or not. Also, as I discussed in my follow-up post Cry it Out (CIO): Is it harmful or helpful? and Another Academic Weighs in on CIO there is no evidence that cry it out is safe, despite what its supporters will tell you.
Image credit: Anna Szozda on flickr
Reader Comments (478)
Amanda, such a great response that really encourages me in my current situation with my one year old, co-sleeping, beautiful girl. Sleep is critical and so is my relationship with my husband. I have come to a place where I feel it is my job as her mom to teach her the skill of sleeping and sometimes that means a little crying. I am allowing some degree of crying just as I know there will be some crying when I say "no" to that inappropriate movie or junk food later in life. I could write on and on but it is Christmas Eve! Just wanted to thank you for your comment even though it was over a year ago. Blessings...
Jessica:
Interesting. I don't see asking for a parent's presence at bedtime as equivalent to an inappropriate movie or junk food. If was going to equate it to something later in life, I might equate it to my son calling me from a party and asking me to come pick him up because the buddy who was supposed to drive him home has been drinking.
If my kids say "I need you", I will be there for them, all the while teaching them skills and giving them confidence that will allow them to become more independent as they are ready. Saying "I need you mommy" is much different than saying "I need candy."
I L.O.V.E. this.
That is all.
<3
Agree. What a condescending and passive-aggressive response.
[...] of SIDS in young babies especially. Heres some links I urge you to have a look at. Dr Sears http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/0.../#.Tv9KE_JfaSo Psychology today http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-crying-it-out peaceful parenting [...]
[...] Cry It Out (CIO): 10 Reasons Why It Is Not For Us [...]
[...] supposed) 3 nights with a screaming baby alone in a room is torture. Studies have shown that it can cause brian damage and lifelong emotional problems. It isn’t easy and it does leave many parents with lifelong feelings of guilt. Gradual and [...]
I totally agree with your post. My doctor even warned us against any sleep training. Yes, my son still get us up in the middle of the night to eat, and our doctors believes that he does that because he legitimately needs the calories. To ignore him would mean to let him go hungry. Where's the sense in that?
you could check out babywhispererforums.com - the Baby Whisperer method is opposed to CIO but does help your child learn how to sleep independently. 11 weeks is still really tiny, and she needs her mommy.
[...] that I do not advocate crying it out for babies as a method to teach self-soothing and sleep. And there’s plenty of research to back my position [...]
Ok so what do you do then?
You can't go on and on about something and not give an alternative solution!
In bolded text, Annie offers her gentle baby and toddler sleep tips: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/2009/02/28/gentle-baby-and-toddler-sleep-tips/
When my first born started fighting sleep, I read extensive literature on both sides (no cry sleep solutions and controlled crying solutions). What a mistake. I was basically left with the choice of either being a cold tormentor that will lead her son to become unable to forge sustainable relationships in his future. Or an indulging parent who denies her son the skill to learn how to fall asleep on his own. Oh yeah, and also by not having enough sleep he'd become a mediocre student later on at school.
I'm quite puzzled as to what would compel sleep specialists to add guilt to sleep deprived parents trying to find a solution to their children's sleep issues - and find sleep for themselves. And quite honestly I don't see why everyone wants to prove that the other approach is bad instead of just concentrating on the positive of the approach that they advocate.
Although the underlying philosophies of each approach are very different, if you read carefully, their technical implementations have a lot in common. Basically you want to log you child's sleep, evaluate if he's really lacking sleep or if you just have unrealistic expectations, and assess what the problem is. Both approaches rely on implementing consistent day-time routines. And making sure your child gets enough food during the day. And really, the only difference is if and how much crying you are going to allow when your child does not fall asleep on his own. As I see it, the controlled crying solutions are really just "the next step" when all else has failed and your child still adamantly refuses to sleep.
Now that I'm on maternity leave with my second son, I'm back on the parenting blogs/forums, and I see that the flaming war between no cry versus controlled crying parents is still going on. And whatever solution parents chose, they end up feeling guilty anyway, because the other side will criticize them.
At the end, we are all parents trying to do their best to raise well adjusted kids. I wonder why we can't just offer support to parents who are dealing with a difficult sleep situation.
I have enough confidence in my own parenting decisions that I don't feel guilt over other people's criticisms of my choices. I appreciate good dialogue of the pros and cons of different options. I know, however, that I'm in the minority.
[...] vários motivos porque esse método não traz benefícios para o bebê, muito menos para os pais: Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us. Segue abaixo a minha tradução em português. (Nota: A tradução começa em »»»» e termina [...]
Do some better research and stop trying to scare parents. You could at least present all the facts and all the research rather than one side from a series of sources that span 30 years. Michael Lewis? Who is this? Give me the reference. You have an agenda based on your own personal thoughts and you are scaring parents who try to find real answers.
Quit trying to scare parents looking for real answers. You base that on your own personal beliefs and read only things you want to hear. Present the other side and references and I might believe you.
The quote is from Dr. Sears, who attended a presentation by Dr. Michael Lewis at the AAP conference. It is quoted on http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful" rel="nofollow">his website and in the http://aapnews.aappublications.org/content/14/7/local/ed-board.pdf" rel="nofollow">AAP news. Here is more information on Dr. Michael Lewis: http://rwjms.umdnj.edu/pediatric/divisions/ins_childdev/faculty/mlewis.html. Best of luck with your research.
The references are at the bottom of the article. In terms of the "other side", here are my thoughts: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/08/11/cry-it-out-cio-is-it-harmful-or-helpful/
[...] http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/ [...]
[...] Πιο αναλυτικά διαβάστε εδώ [...]
The CIO method to me is the "convenient" answer for too many. The author is not trying to scare anyone-just stating the facts of scientific studies. But do we really need that to prove it is wrong? It is simply not normal or natural. Children are NOT made for convenience. My children are well-adjusted and disciplined and have shown marked empathy at a very young age. The science behind this is evident not only in my kids, who were rocked or held to sleep or soothes by back pats, etc when they resisted sleep as older babies, but the ones I know who have gone though the CIO who exhibit the exact issues I see mentioned here. If it feels wrong in your gut when your child is crying in a room alone-that is because human instinct is strongly correct-it is wrong.
Well I don't know what's right but I have many friends who tried the CIO method all night even when the infant was a certain weight. Now I would never do that but those kids are very well adjusted. But I don't claim those kids are well adjusted because their parents taught them to self-soothe. I do not think one could ever state that CIO leads to... whatever. I do agree that it parents use "convenient" methods of parenting (ie, any television/videos too young). CIO is a difficult decision but some form of it is also currently recommended by pediatricians. I simply do not know the answer so want both sides presented equally. Since I do not know I have to trust the pediatricians at this point. Thanks for the references.
I would assume the a website with phD in it's title would cite scientific references/cite sources. Thank's I guess for you mere OPINIONS on the topics. PROVE YOUR FACTS AND IDEAS
[...] did. Not to mention we are research junkies and I found lots of research on the negative effects of CIO (crying it out) and long term behaviors. Go me (and you for reading it)! For the record, we are [...]
[...] and judgment. If you haven’t experienced this, take a look at the conversation on blog posts like this one and this one. It is actually kind of embarrassing that we are so darn hard on each other when we [...]
I am a father of a boy and we are expecting our second. My wife and I have agreed on the CIO method I feel you have ridiculous statements through out this article.. The cry it out method is not an excuse to let your child scream it out, as. A wise parent will still check on their child maybe gradually bring them into the process of sleeping through the night! Those who read this pathetic excuse of parenting advice article, don't believe everything you read take it with a grain of salt.. My mom was an amazing mom she let my sisters and me cry it out and I'm not some crack head who blames his mommy for his own problems, Iam a loving devoted husband and father who will continue to use the CIO method appropriately!!!
I just love you for posting this despite (sometimes quite harsh!) opposition. It makes my heart hurt to hear of CIO in any form and I applaud you for taking a stand.
I had a car-crier too for about 3 weeks. Eventually I figured out that all it took was for me to pull over briefly, take out the bucket car seat and swing her gently in the fresh air. She'd be asleep in about 3 seconds and the car ride was peaceful after that! She just had a hard time switching over to sleep while in the car. The gentle swing was all that was needed (and believe me we tried EVERYTHING else before I clued in on this one!)
Very interesting article and discussion.
Many people bring up the argument "my mom did this (CIO) and she is a great mom, and i turned up ok".
Now judging this very objectively. My mom did the best she could/knew but that doesn't mean I cannot do more. I have much more education than my mom and I have access to much more information so maybe, just maybe I can get over the fact that my mom was a great mom and I can gather my own information and come with my own approach on the subject. We could discuss moms in detail here. How old was your mom, what were her avenues of information back in the day and so on... Now to the second part of the statement "I turned up ok". I am sure most of the kids will turn up ok, no matter how we put them to sleep. Nobody is going to come here and admit : " I am not sure why I feel very insecure, I am not sure why I never want to call my parents when I am in trouble, I am not sure why I feel guilt all the time, etc.... And because all of these I am currently under treatment for anxiety, depression, blabla. Nobody is sure why but they are treating me". Once people start honestly admitting this then we can move on with the question on how did your parents treated you when you were a kid. And just to add a little bit on the topic, please remember that an abused person feels like it was their fault.
One other point that was discussed is the father's involvement. What does the father think? In my opinion it's a mother's job to know what to do. Of course I am all for the involvement of fathers in parenting but fathers think like engineers and mothers think like physiologists (if my analogy makes any sense). The baby is crying, in a man's mind the situation needs to be fixed (wash him, dry him, feed him, fix him...) while for a mother there are much more complex emotional links that exist with the situation (kiss him, snuggle him, keep him close to your body, love him, etc). Of course I am generalizing a bit too much here. There are insensitive mothers out there and very sensitive fathers but biologically this is how things are arranged. So in my opinion the mother should lead the direction of the parenting style and the father should trust her instincts and support her.
Somebody was talking about the stress that the baby puts on the parent's intimate life (i.e. co-sleeping). First thing, you cannot have a baby and expect them to be like accessories. I just got a kid, he sleeps nicely in his nicely decorated room by his designer wallpaper - doesn't quite work. The baby is a part of your body, part of your husband's body, a mixture of your bodies as a result of your love. We should treat it accordingly with the respect that our bodies and our love deserves.
As for the sex life, once the baby sleeps move to a different room for 1 hour. Is that easy. It might even bring some spice back. :)
A question to ask yourself when you try to decide if to do the CIO method or not. If your significant other (read love of your life) would not be able to talk for 1 week. The only way to communicate would be by crying, would you let them CIO?
I LOVED this post. My husband and I have been struggling for about three months to get our boy (7 months) to sleep through the night, and he just won't do it. We can't stand to listen to him cry. It breaks our hearts and we can't put him through that either. Thank you for the information on the developmental issues and other factors. This was very informative, even though I see now it was back in like 2008. Lol Thank you !
Oh wait, nevermind, it wasn't in 2008. My bad. Lol thank you again !
@SASHA
it broke my heart to hear you practice CIO with an 11-week old. Are you a first time parent? I think it is typical of first time parents to feel like the moment theya re in with their child they will be in that moment forever. I too am a first time parent and I remember when my little one was 11 weeks, so dependent on me, not really responding much (he is 14 months old) except for the faint smile or coo and me just running around trying to meet his needs I just thought that period of time would never end and alot of my actions that I look back now and regret wwere out of anxiety and fear that this child who is so needy now would be so needy forever and in your mind you feel you have to control things now and put your foot down. but please please know it passes. it passes and if you hang in there you will look back with pride instead of regret at how you handled things, God through these little ones teach us patience and self-control and FAITH, faith to know this too shall pass. The strong naturallyhave that faith, the rest of us waver. Please dont let the baby cry it out. If you hang in there you will be rewarded with an independent, self-assured little one year old who will be chatting it up with everybody and laughthe day through and who will when you say, its sleepy sleepy time, go to his/her bed without too much fuss because he/she trusts you because he/she remembers (not consciously but yes remembers) that you were always there for her at night and you nursed her to sleep (your wife that is) and you always come. Now when he wakes up he goes right back to sleep after talking to himself for a bit or so in the night and in the morning he looks at the monitor to let us know he is ready to get out of crib. no crying nothing because he trusts us. he still has his needy moments and I indulge him as I can because I know they are getting briefer and briefer and soon he just wont need me in the same way. and I already wished I wore him more when he was a newborn and realized he cried in the stroller bcause he just wanted to be near me. he no longer cares as much he just wants to walk now, he doesn't even want me to lift him much anymore. he thinks he is a big man already! when he is sick he is back to that baby stage of cuddling up to me but now he will only let me bf him close to bedtime and in the mornings. in the days he is so busy being mr busybody he protests when i ask him if he wants to nurse. i go back to work soon so i know this is good he doesnt want day nursing and i will continue to nurse before and after work when he wants but i am so proud of myself for the nights i got up at 3 and 5am when he cried as a newborn and for the days he wanted to bf almost constantly and I thought i would never get him off my breast bc those moments are what made this independent spirit so secure and self-assured. my only objective is to keep giving him this love and attention so he will be even more self-assured and even more secure and the security will stick so one day he won't need to come back to me for a refill, he will have all the security and self-confidence he needs to conquer the world. because i responded. please re-think and do it. my husband and i were together 12 years before him. we built a solid foundation and yes he rocked it in the newborn days. we had to get creative to keep it. now we cuddle up watch a movie on a saturday when he is napping with some takeout after i have nursed him to his nap. and i nurse him until he is sleepy at night then put him in his crib in his own room and hubby lays with him next to crib until he is sleeping. he doesn't cry because hubby stays with him until he sleeps, then hubby comes in and because he goes to sleep peacefully he goes to sleep fast. it teaches him to sleep in his own crib but in a gentle way. when hubby comes in we make time for intimacy before we go to bed and because my LO went to sleep peacefully and trusts we are there for him, when he wakes up n the middle of the night unless sick, he gets himself back to sleep. if he calls for us, we go, we stay with him, nurse if he is upset and get him back to sleep. its unusual at this age so we dont mind missing a few nights of good sleep. its worth it. all this to say, hang in there with the gentle treatment of your baby at night, it does get better and its worth seeing the confidence you instil in them when you do this extra nurturing at their scariest time of the day, the night time. they dont think like we do, we know they are al right but they dont understand that. so be patient. sorry for the long reply. and phdparenting, i love your post, i love the bravery for putting up the post despite those protesters who are upset at the idea that some information should make them feel guilty about the way they do things. we are not perfect, we do better as we know better or we should be. i did not do things as much as I wanted to but as I learned how to better parent my child, instead of getting angry at whomever informed me of gentler ways to parent, i was open to taking on a gentler approahc as I learned how to. why wouldn't you want to be gentler for those little ones. our relationships, if we are in the right ones are not as fragile as we sometimes think. i have a stronger bond with my hubby for the hard times we went through both before and with baby. we have such a purpose more than ever to work together. you can't strike a balance, you have to let the balance happen by gently placing the weight evenly. if you are too afraid to upset things, you don't give yourself/your relationship a chance to balance itself in the new role in ways you never thought and maybe develop a bond you never thought possible.
I didn't co-sleep either. But except for 2 nights at the suggestion of a friend whose pediatrician told her to do it with her child, I couldn't do even the modified CIO. Its not an either or, either you co-sleep or let baby cry it out. there is alot of middle ground. if baby is not sleeping it is not bcause you are not letting her CIO, it could be millions of other reasons you can explore. In general it is my first time on this site and I am appalled at the vehemently (not you necessarily but other commenters) mean and angry comments in response to this article. I am also perplexed as to why this is so heated and why attack the author because she says non-CIO is what she wants to do. I wonder if the commenters have asked themselves why they are so angry and why feel the need to lash out (ie, the one who said 'screw you') is it really that serious? jeez if you want to let your child CIO, then go ahead no one can stop you but why the anger??
you do not have to let you baby CIO, no matter w hat you want to say you odn't have to , if you do its because you think you didn't have other options or you found it easier or didn't want to be bothered trying other things. it is like everything else your choice and all the author is stating is that ther eare implications in your choices and consequences just like with everything else in life and we just dont want to face that idea. people want to stuck in the belief that everything they do for their child is perfectly right that they get so angry when someone points out a better way. that person isnt sayig you have to do it this way. just that there is. and whether you get angry at the person or not for pointing it out, it doesnt change that better ways exist. and that your inability to do it may be a shortcoming. there is a positive correlation between the amount of love, gentleness and nurturing activites that you put into a child, and the good you get out, you cannot dispute that no matter how angry you get. some moms can do the crazy things like bf for 3 years and cosleep for 3 years. you know what. i couldn't cosleep. I couldn't i am too much of a sensitive sleeper, does that mean i am angry at those who have the whatever it takes to do it? it also didn't mean I swung to the other extreme and let baby CIO. Baby slept in a bassinet next to my bed bc I bfed on demand for first several months and at about almost 5 months he went to his own room, i just sleep too sensitively to sleep well with him. but we rocked him to sleep in the chair by his bed for another almost 5 months and then he got so big he didn't care to so we put him in his crib after a nursing session and lay next to crib (one of us, likely my hubby) until he falls asleep. we did what worked for us based on the objective we have of not leaving him to cry. i applaud the co-sleepers. hell i am jealous. but i just couldn't do it. I was sleep deprived for months. so i have been there. i also had post partum depression or blues so I had my breakdown moments but my conviction to nurture baby never left my mind. so i pushed myself. you have to have something within you as a human being to push yourself ; call it self-discipline. i did because i felt it was worth it. i didn't want to after the fact say to my kid, sorry i couldn't be there for you when you cried. i was too tired, or too depressed etc. no i wanted to get it right from the start so i did what i could do. i will try to co-sleep with my next child, i may not succeed buttrust i will find something that does NOT involve CIO because i just dont' want that. there are millions of other reasons babies dont sleep besides the idea they may be telling you 'let me CIO mommy' trust me we went through nights my baby wouldn't sleep until very late and we had to reflect on those nights and figure out why. were we creating a good calm sleep environment. were we making too much noise, were we rocking him when he wanted to just lay down beside us? basically were we doing too much too much turbulence in his sleep environment was he too hot, too cold, teething, gassy, stressed because we were who knows? just stop being so mad people. and stop being mad at the author. do whatever you want but dont get mad at those who have the inner strength to do more. accept where your limitations are like i did, and do your best with the right idea in mind that you will not leave baby to cry or be distressed. amen
YESS! Krista, he will mature. Also do you think that maybe you and hubby are waking him inadvertently? My baby is a painfully sensitive sleeper (like me) so now after he is asleep we leave the room. If he needs us we go back until he is asleep again. A pain for us yes but have faith as he gets older he will need you less and less in the middle of the night. this too shall pass. he may wake to check you are still there, and so if you leave, come back everytime he wakes, after a week or so, i am confident he will start to wake less. when LO was a newborn we were so clueless we spent many nights inadverntently keeping him awake doing too much like rocking him when he just wanted to lay down next to us and doze off. be flexible but consider this. good luck. if you have any more questions, i have learned so much from my child and believe me would have loved to know another attached parent to give me advice at my lowes points so i will gladly share all that worked for me, just reply with your email and I'll reach out to you. again good luck
my baby did this too. what i did and can't say it was the way to go, is sing to him. when he ewas a newborn he didn't care and still cried but he would fall asleep very easily in it, as he got older i sang to him. and tried to distract him. he was facing rear so i bought a mirror and attached it so he could see me and adjusted my front mirror so i could see him and he would spend the entire time just staring at me, i think it consoled him to be able to see me. if he could not see me he screamed. i also let him hear the sound of my voice by constantly talking and singing his favorite song which was itsy bitsy spider. other t han that there was not much more i could do so as a newborn he would cry for the 3 minutes before falling asleep and as he got older and found the mirror the singing talking and smiling at him in the mirrors made the difference. for the newborn part i kept him at home as much as possible, i hated driving with him in the car because he would cry like that so i limited it to necessities and when i did have to, i made sure he had just woken up from a nap and was full (just bfed or whatever) before taking him anywhere. that helped alot.
I agree with crammer, I too sleep trained my little boy when he was 3 months old, he cried for a couple night and that was it, not all night, but def more when I popped in to check on him. He is now 2 1/2 and to this day everyone still comments on how happy he is, he has never been a sad or detached child. I think that there have to be other "instances" of CIO present for those that suffer from it later. My baby goes to bed easy, lays down for naps while still awake with no complaint. If he wakes u p in the middle of the night and cries like there is something wrong I most def check on him and give comfort when needed. Again, very happy child, no confidence issues, I don't think CIO hurt him at all. Anyone who has met him would agree
the way i read that is your wife is doing everything to help the situation, may i ask what you are doing.
on our first child i would stay up a little later with the baby so my wife could get even just a couple hours sleep then we would swap.
i still had to get up for work but to me i chose to have that child so im the one who must make the sacrifices.
by the way we are on 6th child soon and we get plenty of sleep.
i found if i remained calm and enjoyed holding my child then they always went to sleep, any time the baby wouldnt go to sleep was because i was stressed and behaving stressed.
it saddens me that there are not enough parents who realise how really special it is to have a child, i wouldnt give mine up for the world. yes they can piss me off and so far have managed to destroy everything i own but by god i love all of them, the daughter most of the time i love hahaha please people do me one favor if any one says hey i hope to have a girl tell them NOOOOOO sorry side rant
sorry at what point could you know what a child thinks or knows.
ok im not attacking you but whos to say your child didnt simply learned that no one was there for them and no one cared and so decided to be self reliant
see how easy it is to see it another way.
all i can say is your playing with an irreversable outcome.
sleep deprived child?? sorry did you keep your child awake during the day, i do know that the child will sleep during the day so pretty much it comes down to selfish reasons, "is my precious sleep more important than attending MY child"
and is a couple nights of sleep really worth the high possibility of screwing that child up for its entire life??
months or years of not getting enough sleep? what the hell goes on in your house hold?
maybe the never crying was the baby learning that no one cared.
i love your comment
my idea is bad people were bad kids raised by bad parents.
endless cycle of stupidity
what the list of links to scientific research wasnt enough for you, would you like some one to come to your home and speak with you, would that be enough for you?
[...] Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/#.Tt93ZrIk6dA [...]
The point that no one ever gets to is practicality. If a women has 2 other kids and works 40 hrs a week getting up at 6am then has to come home and take care of the family no one has given a good reason/way to get her baby too sleep other than the cio. A lot of other methods simply to do not work. This isn't a 100 years ago when women didn't work.
When you are that sleep deprived and can't function during the day, can't keep your eyes open because they are trying to shut, have a constant headaches, can't concentrate, etc, you not doing a good job as a parent or as a human being. Read up on sleep deprivation and tell me what it says then we can talk. At some point this whole movement against cio gets ridiculous. We are not in caves anymore. And the judgemental attitudes of some commentators they have nerve. Who do you think you are giving someone attitude because they have to sleep, to work, to function to take care of their other kids that are being neglected with a mother or father that never sleeps?
Are you at your best when you never sleep?
Should you be operating heavy machinery such as driving children around or just driving period when your sleep deprived for months on end? Because you don't want to use CIO. Ask a cop that question. How many people fall asleep at the wheel? Its just stupid.
Sleep deprivation is a serious thing with serious side effects.
BTW some of these people who are so against cio when their is no other choice because their are no other methods that work. Are some of the same people who's kids run their house. Who have to negotiate with little terrors that hold their parents emotionally hostage. People I make fun of when I see them out in public offering their kids toys and candy if they stop throwing a tantrum and do what mommy and daddy says. Maybe its because you never learned to set boundaries that your kids now drive you crazy.
Do not judge others you have no idea what their life situation is like. Go take care of kid that is driving you crazy.
Seriously everyone acts so intelligent on this page but if you are so intelligent how come no brings up the side effects and the wear and tear of sleep deprivation that is conveniently left out.
oh god this woman's kid probably slaps her in the face and tell her what to do.
No, this isn't 100 years ago when (some) women didn't work. It also isn't 100 years ago when men left child rearing entirely up to women. Yes, there are some single working moms and that is a tough situation. But for women who do have a partner, there are other ways. Take shifts. Share the load.
There are http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/02/28/gentle-baby-and-toddler-sleep-tips/" rel="nofollow">other methods that "work", but they aren't a silver bullet. They won't take a child from waking every 20 minutes to sleeping through the night within a week. It is a slow progression that requires patience.
During the really rough times, we took shifts in our house. One person was "on duty" from 8pm to 1am and the other from 1am to 6am. That way each of us got a minimum of 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, plus whatever amount of interrupted sleep we could manage. Overall, it worked out to enough sleep and those shifts didn't have to be forever. Just during the worst times.
In my experience, when you treat your children with respect, they treat you with respect too.
Amanda - what a well thought out reply. Well said.
I'm currently trying out a modified version of cry it out with my 5 month old (my second child). He sleeps in a cot in our room and there isn't much advice out there for our particular scenario so I've adapted a few different methods to suit our needs.
We're on day 5 and he's adapting to it so well I can hardly believe my luck. Sleep at last! And baby is happier and smilier than EVER during the day as a result.
I've really been trusting my instincts and tonight I 'broke the rules' and went in and picked him up as I could tell from his cry that he actually had wind and needed to be picked up in order to bring up his wind. Then I placed him back in the cot, said 'sleepy time', gave him a kiss and left the room.
This was followed by 2 minutes of what I term a 'wind down' cry. He really does sound like he's having a bit of a moan and he's now fast asleep.
I think it's so important that poor, vulnerable, worried, impressionable mums who are desperately sleep deprived know that there may be a solution out there to help with their particular sleep issue. I know that when I was a first time mum (who suffered from post natal depression) if I had read about extreme scenarios where cry it out is mentioned in the context of suicide I would have been distraught.
Luckily with my second child I have the confidence to take all the 'best bits' of other people's advice and mix it in with my own world view/instincts/parenting style.