Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us
Saturday, July 5, 2008 
Intuitively and instinctively, the cry it out (CIO) method (also known as sleep training or ferberizing or controlled crying) of getting a baby to sleep is not something I ever felt comfortable with. And as I did research on infant sleep, I learned about what normal infant sleep is and I also learned more about the reasons why the CIO method is harmful. There are numerous scientific and emotional reasons why we have chosen not to let our babies cry it out, which I have summarized below.
1. Cry it out can cause harmful changes to babies' brains
Babies cry. They cry to let us know that they need something. And when we don't respond to those cries, it causes them undue amounts of stress. Science has shown that stress in infancy can result in enduring negative impacts on the brain. Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions. Harvard researchers found that it makes them more susceptible to stress as adults and changes the nervous system so that they are overly sensitive to future trauma. Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy is linked with a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. However, if you consistently soothe your child's distress and take any anguished crying seriously, highly effective stress response systems are established in the brain that allow your child to cope with stress later in life.
2. Cry it out can result in decreased intellectual, emotional and social development
At an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings demonstrating that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.” More specifically, other studies have found that babies whose cries are ignored do not develop healthy intellectual and social skills, that they have an average IQ 9 points lower at age 5, they show poor fine motor development, show more difficulty controlling their emotions, and take longer to become independent as children (stay clingy for longer).
3. Cry it out can result in a detached baby
Researchers have shown that although leaving a baby to cry it out does often lead to the cries eventually stopping, the cries do not stop because the child is content or the problem has been alleviated. Rather, they stop because the baby has given up hope that a caregiver will respond and provide comfort. This results in a detached baby. Detached children are less responsive, appear to be depressed or "not there" and often lack empathy.
4. Cry it out is harmful to the parent-child relationship
A child that is left to cry it out is less likely to turn to the parents in times of need. Being attended to as a baby is the most basic of needs and if a child learns at that point that she can count on her parents to respond to her needs, then she will also turn to them later in life when she needs their support. But I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.
5. Cry it out can make children insecure
Children whose caregivers are not consistently responsive and sensitive, often become insecure. Long-term studies have shown that secure individuals are more likely to be outgoing, popular, well-adjusted, compassionate, and altruistic. As adults, secure individuals are likely to be comfortable depending on others, can develop close attachments, and trust their partners. Insecure individuals, on the other hand, tend to be unsettled in their relationships, displaying anxiety (manifesting as possessiveness, jealousy, and clinginess) or avoidance (manifesting as mistrust and a reluctance to depend on others). Parents that use the cry it out method often do so because they are afraid that their children are becoming too dependent. However, an abundance of research shows that regular physical contact, reassurance, and prompt responses to distress in infancy and childhood results in secure and confident adults who are better able to form functional relationships.
6. Cry it out often doesn't work at all
Some babies will not give in. They are resilient or stubborn enough that they refuse to believe that their parents could be so cruel as to leave them to cry to sleep. So instead of whimpering a bit and then drifting off to sleep as some supposed sleep experts would have you believe happens, they end up sobbing and sobbing and sobbing for hours on end. Some end up vomiting. Many end up shaking so hard and become so distraught that once their parents realize that CIO is not going to work, the baby is shaking uncontrollably and hiccuping, too distressed to sleep and too distraught to be calmed down even by a loving parent.
7. Even if cry it out does "work", parents often have to do it over and over again
I can't imagine putting my child through one or several nights of inconsolable crying to get her to go to sleep and I certainly can't imagine having to do it over and over again. However, that is the reality for many parents. I hear people tell me that they always let their child cry for thirty minutes to go to sleep. Or that they have to start the CIO sleep training process all over again after each round of teething, each growth spurt, each developmental milestone.
8. Cry it out is disrespectful of my child's needs
So-called sleep trainers will tell you that after a certain age, babies do not have any more needs at night. Some claim this is after a few short weeks, others after a few months, others after a year. Regardless of the age that is assigned to that message, to me it seems wrong. I'm an adult and yet there are days when I need someone else to comfort me. If I've had a really stressful week at work, if I've had a fight with someone that is important to me, if I've lost a loved one, then I need to be comforted. But how would I feel and what would it do to our relationship if my husband closed the door and walked out of the room and let me "cry it out" myself? I'm an adult and yet there are nights when I am so parched that I need a glass of water or I am so hungry that I need a snack. I'm not going to die if those needs are not met, but I am going to physically uncomfortable and unable to sleep soundly. If I were to let my child CIO, it would be like saying that his needs are not important and that to me is disrespectful. To quote Dr. William Sears on the sleep trainers, "Parents let me caution you. Difficult problems in child rearing do not have easy answers. Children are too valuable and their needs too important to be made victims of cheap, shallow advice".
9. Deep sleep from cry it out is often a result of trauma
Babies who are left to cry it out do sometimes fall into a deep sleep after they finally drop off. And their parents and sleep trainers will hail this as a success of the CIO method. However, babies and young children often sleep deeply after experiencing trauma. Therefore, the deep sleep that follows CIO shouldn't be seen as proof that it works. Rather, it should be seen as a disturbing shortcoming.
10. Our World Needs More Love
Rates of depression are skyrocketing. Violent and senseless crimes are on the rise. As human beings, we need to spend more time being there for each other, showing compassion, nurturing our children. Learning that you can't count on your parents to be there when you need them is a tough lesson to learn that early in life and can be a root of many of the social problems we are facing today. I want to give my kids every chance possible of escaping depression and staying away from violence. And I'm convinced that nurturing them and responding to their needs at night, as I do during the day, is the first step in the right direction.
Those are our reasons for not using the cry it out method. What are yours?
Do you need some gentle sleep tips? See Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
Sources:
The following sources were used in the development of this post:
- Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful to Babies
- Margaret Chuong-Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry
- Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H, F.A.A.P - Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking
- Australian Association for Infant Mental Health - Position Paper 1: Controlled Crying
- Alvin Powell - Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
- Pinky McKay - The Con of Controlled Crying
- Linda Folden Palmer - Stress in Infancy
- Gayle E. McKinnon - CIO? No! The case for not using "cry-it-out" with your children
- Macall Gordon - Is "crying it out" appropriate for infants? A review of the literature on the use of extinction in the first year
- Elizabeth Pantley - The No Cry Sleep Solution (book)
- Katie Allison Granju - Attachment Parenting (book)
- Dr. William Sears - Nighttime Parenting (book)
- Margot Sunderland - The Science of Parenting (book)
Note: Please note that not all of these sources look specifically at crying it out. Some of them look at the risks of excessive crying in general. It is my opinion that excessive crying is excessive crying, whether it happens at night or not. Also, as I discussed in my follow-up post Cry it Out (CIO): Is it harmful or helpful? and Another Academic Weighs in on CIO there is no evidence that cry it out is safe, despite what its supporters will tell you.
Image credit: Anna Szozda on flickr
Reader Comments (478)
Candace:
I followed most of your post but some of it truly lost me. I never mentioned the word colic in my post. My daughter was colicky too (like many babies are) at exactly the weeks you describe...and there were days when she would be fussy ALL day and I was so fed I up and could not have been happier than I was when it passed...I'm not sure of the point you were trying to make...parents don't CAUSE colic...who said that?? This is not a blame game. My original post was simply that I too believe CIO is hard and I couldn't do it (although at times I did let her cry a little) but I knew I couldn't have her scream the house down for 45 minutes. In order to avoid having to do CIO I followed a plan that created a routine for her that worked (eat, play, sleep)...and I appreciated that it worked and it has had the desired effect (she sleeps very well and so do we). What I would challenge you on, is the fact that all sibling children are not born into the same family. Who you were and what you were dealing with when your oldest child was born was not the same for the next and so on. That's a fact. Temperament absolutely does play a role and children pull from their genetic pool differently...but unless they're twins, two children are not born into the same family. Added to that is the other fact that parents' personalities also affect how they interact with each of their children (coupled with the child's temperament) so they won't treat two children identically, highly unlikely.
In terms of the research you requested, I would have to go back thru the psychology literature at the time of my training (more than 15 years ago) to give you specific research details. Nowadays, there is a lot of other research supporting independent sleeping for a variety of other reasons...but again, that isn't what I was trying to talk about here...I don't feel like I have to convince you...you have the right to raise your children as you see fit.
I don't particularly like the title of this article because I think it's a little insulting...but the article itself is good. I would also suggest looking more closely at some of the information Dr. Mindell provides on sleeping/routines etc.
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1904288,00.html
You say there is research--I'm just curious about it. Even if you can refer to these studies in generalities...what did they show?
I bring up colic because you say you placed your baby down independently, with no CIO: "She always went to sleep on her own. She never cried about it. "
That's not colic.
And the point of bringing it up is to point out that "using a system" doesn't create a child who goes to sleep without crying during this stage. If you have a truly colicky child, they are not going to just fall asleep, alone without crying.
You say it is mindful parenting--I say that many people use your techniques with very different results.
As to your point about siblings...it is a point well taken. Although there are studies with non-identical twins that might address that.
However, your point would be more salient if the siblings behaved in predictable ways. ie, if it is parenting, then first children should have more intense temperaments. Children of anxious or depressed mothers should display more anxiety.
Instead, there is scientific evidence that, from an early age, some children are more sensitive to stimuli than others. Even before colic sets in this is noticeable. These children are the ones who are predictably more fussy and have sleep problems.
Colic is relevant because it is indicative of the true roots of sleep problems...rather than whatever the opposite of the mindful parenting you describe is.
Again, I think your parenting is spot on...and suspect that if your child had a different temperament, you would have adjusted. ...but not because it created your child's sleep habits but rather because it is a mindful and gentle way to parent.
Because I believe we cannot change our child's temperament, I believe it is even more important to be the parents we want to be--consistent, loving, supportive.
Are you aware of studies that say that deep, uninterrupted sleep is actually a risk factor for SIDS? Yes, co-sleeping babies do sleep more lightly and wake more frequently...usually to nurse. I've seen that before. But that may have an important biologically-built in function.
There's a few jumps in logic there--children (at what age?) who do not sleep enough are at risk for certain issues...but where's the link to the infant sleep sharing and those later sleep issues, controlling for other factors?
Here's the part that I think is kind of missing the obvious:
One question that remains: if vast numbers of babies in Asian populations are sleeping less than their Western peers — without any apparently society-wide disadvantage — does it truly matter if babies co-sleep or not?
"Do Asian babies need less sleep?" Mindell wonders, adding that understanding how some infants thrive on less sleep is the next step in research: "to figure out why that is, and what's the consequence."
I think it is fairly obvious from that bit that it isn't co-sleeping as an infant that is creating this issue.
Tough crowd out here...I started writing a response but I realize now there will be no end to this...and I have zero interest in debating this issue as it wasn't what I intended in the first place. As I said before, I don't feel the need to convince anyone. So I will stop here. Thanks for the hearty interaction.
I'm sorry that you did not feel welcome here. I truly feel I am not attempting to debate co-sleeping with you--rather just addressing what you wrote in your response. I thought since you commented on a public thread you were interested in that discussion. Perhaps you just wanted to contribute your perspective but not discuss it further...
I admit I tend to be aggressive in my style of discussion issues about which I am passionate but I also try to not bring it to the level of the personal.
I felt the discussion was constructive and you offered an interesting point of view as someone trained in psychology. Furthermore, I found you to be very polite.
I do believe there are key flaws in your logic and would be interested in seeing more support for your perspective...but if I phrased that in an overly aggressive manner, I do apologize for that.
It became clear that no matter what I say, you would find a way to jump all over it...so I am ok with leaving this alone as it wasn't ever my intended part of the discussion (which I have been saying from the beginning). Perhaps I should have just said that and been quiet. It is nearly 1:30 in the morning where I am so coming up with the kind of information you require off the top of my head is not a strength. I keep starting to write something...but I must not engage otherwise this will keep going and I don't want to do that. I appreciate your words. I have no reason to be anything other than polite. Again, thanks for a hearty discussion. Good night.
[...] Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us by PhD in Parenting [...]
Samantha, My intention is not to jump all over you. When someone says they have "science" to support what they are saying, I think it is fair to ask what that science is... and that is not jumping all over someone.
Pointing out flaws in a study is not a personal attack.
When you said you did not want to debate co-sleeping, I took that literally...that you weren't interested in debating co-sleeping but rather were opening a conversation on the topics you raised: that young children need to learn independent sleeping, that science backs this, and that a mindful parenting routine can accomplish from the start and immediately this without tears.
I disagree on those three points but welcome any proofs or arguments to the contrary. I have been convinced before by others when presented with convincing arguments contrary to positions I hold.
I disagree that there is nothing you can say or do to convince me of your points...if you have science that says that *babies* not sleeping alone (or going to sleep alone) leads to (not just a correlation) sleep disorders later in life, I am very interested in seeing it and would be happy to revise my thoughts on the topic.
Again, I'm not saying anyone has to co-sleep and I appreciate you saying you aren't trying to convince anyone NOT to do so. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes I have, sometimes not, depending on the child. When you said you did not want to debate co-sleeping, I honestly thought I was respecting that by focusing on the points you raised.
At any rate, I am sorry you are not interested in this conversation and, again, I am sorry that my actions made you feel not welcome here. If you like, you can certainly engage with others and I will stay out of it. This is not my blog and we are both guests here...I do not mean to push away any of Annie's commenters.
Candace, You're like a fisherman with a hook you keep reeling me back in LOL. Let me first say I in no way took anything you said as a personal attack. Neither did I say you were jumping all over me. I felt there was nothing I could really say that you wouldn't find a way to undercut. Research and statistics are really interesting because they can essentially be used to support any argument you want to support. And sometimes you just have to choose to believe what you want. For example, the non-organic farming industry frequently puts out 'research' that states that organic food is no more healthy than non-organic food and is therefore a waste of money. For me that's hogwash, because there is no research that will ever convince me that it's ok to feed my child pesticides etc. I also believe that all the estrogen, hormones, and toxins contribute to increasing numbers of people dealing with infertility and cancer. These are my beliefs based on some research but only because the research makes logical sense to me. There is other research that does not make logical sense to me so I discard it. In terms of psychological theory, it kind of works the same way. I was trained on various theories of child development and ways of doing therapy...I would say that theories are basically that, theories. Very little of psychology is based on absolute scientific fact...it's very nuanced. That's why sometimes you get 2 different doctors diagnosing a person with differing conditions. The points you state that I raised are nuances of what I actually said (or at least how I read my own words). In order for me to continue to state why and how independent sleeping is important, I would have to continue into the co-sleeping debate (I'm not clear how I can answer your questions without doing so). I also don't recall stating that there are no tears and that it occurs immediately (tears does not = CIO, and it took time and effort). By the way, I also never said that co-sleeping caused sleeping disorders later in life. And, again, I do not take the position that it is my role to convince anyone of what to do with their children, unless they ask for my advice/suggestions. And even then, I provide information and ultimately it is up to the parent to decide how to parent.
Let me also say that I don't feel unwelcome here. You did not personally attack me or make any derogatory comments about me. That would have been different. There are so many factors that contribute to raising healthy children. No one thing makes them turn out one way or another. ALL children who's parents use CIO are not always going to turn out in a particular way...same way not all children who's parents don't...etc. I'd be happy to talk about CIO as that is what this thread is about! LOL...
Samantha M.
I appreciated your initial comment and what you had to say about the approach you've taken with your daughter. I do understand that some people prefer to have their children sleep independently and there are a variety of different approaches that can be used to achieve that. Some of those will work with some children, but not with others. That is why I love Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution books. They have so many different techniques that parents can choose from until they find something that works for them and works for their child.
In asking my question, I wasn't intending to start a debate on co-sleeping vs. independent sleeping either. I think it comes down to personal preference. I only questioned your comment because you said you were taught in your psychology training "how important and valuable it is to assist children with sleeping independently". I just wanted to understand the basis for assigning so much importance to it.
The science that I have looked at points out that when you provide your children a secure base from which to develop their independence, that they are more secure. The following is a paragraph from my post on the http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/01/09/cosleeping-benefits/" rel="nofollow">benefits of co-sleeping:
We feel that we have seen this reflected in our children.
Since comments won't nest further, I will respond here.
First, I'm glad that I didn't put you off commenting here and that you did not read me as "attacking" you. That is good to hear.
I was responding to what you wrote and to the link you shared...but since you want to focus on CIO on this thread, I will just address your points about studies, since they are relevant here.
Yes, lies, damn lies, and statistics...statistics can be manipulated, it is true! I'm sure, though, that as someone who studied long enough to get a PhD in psychology, you must put some faith in scientific inquiry?
Annie cites a number of studies in this CIO article. None of them are perfect, some may even be deeply flawed...but if they are coupled with a number of other factors, such as sociology, human history, biology, and more...a picture begins to emerge.
And some studies are better designed than others. And some studies lead more clearly to certain conclusions than others.
I discard studies not just because they don't fit with my worldview...but rather because I find them to be flawed.
Or I may look at a study (such as a study that children need sleep) and find that its author's (or more often, the media's or other's) conclusions over-reach.
I can do that even when I agree with the conclusions.
For example, I am opposed to CIO for many reasons. However, the oft-cited Romanian orphanage study does not really demonstrate that children whose parents use cry it out will be scarred in the same we these orphans were traumatized. It gives us an interesting piece of the puzzle...but it is not a conclusive argument against CIO.
Rarely are the flaws in a study completely obvious to a lay-person like myself (my training is in education) but sometimes I can spot them. And I am always open to hearing independent people who have a greater expertise in science and/or statistics, explain to me why one or another study is more valid than another.
Annie, thank you for this important post! I'm totally against CIO -- after I tried it for two days myself. I also blogged about my experience with it.
Trying the CIO method went against everything I believe in - gentle attachment parenting. Every motherly instinct was telling me trying this method was wrong, that's why I stopped the madness after two days. We went back to peacefully sleeping next to each other, my little boy and I. :)
Meghan,
THANK YOU. I agree with you 100%, and I've never been able to express myself so well. No matter what side of this debate you're on, you can find "scientific" evidence to support your claims.
I personally went for 8 months without sleeping longer than an hour at a time. I was usually up every 20 minutes to half an hour at night. I couldn't even drive, I was so tired. I was not a very entertaining mother, either. Unless you've been there, you cannot guess how this feels.
We sleep-trained our daughter, but not with CIO. We let her cry for 5 minutes, then went in and comforted her. Then the next night, it was 10 minutes. She knew we were there and that we cared, and she learned how to go to sleep on her own. We both feel better because of it!
For anyone who is reading this and being racked by guilt because you're so exhausted you can't see straight (much less create charts as the NCSS suggests), we hired a sleep consultant named Dawn (http://www.cheekychops.ca/), who was a fantastic help. She also assists parents who want to co-sleep.
Less judgement, more support!
I have a 4 months old car seat screamer too. I never thought he was having "temper tantrums" (at 4 months???), but I must say it's a major inconvenience. Unfortunately his bucket seat goes up to 35 pounds and 80 cm and it will be a struggle with his father to replace it before he's outgrown it... I do think he has motion sickness. He spits up and drools like crazy whenever he's in the car.
I have 2 children. One is about to be 2 years old, the other is 3 months. My 2 year old just started to sleep through the night. I tried numerous sleep methods other than any form of CIO with him, as I felt guilty after reading numerous postings similar to this one. Looking back I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for ever allowing any self glorifier of any sort to sway me in the best decisions for my family, especially when those people are not drs or scientists or any other professional that would be appropriately tied, just other parents full of opinions they feel the need to spew towards others in a "this is the truth and fact" mode in order fulfill some insecurity of their parenting or for reassurance. I believe for my family that our new addition is too young to try any CIO method, however if we try other methods to a full extent and they do not work, at some point my husband and I have both agreed to try a CIO method with her. I only wish I could take back those moments of sleeplessness so that when necessary and when it really matters I was able to put my full energy and efforts into my son. He missed out on so much of "me" as I was too tired to give it to him. My time would have been better spent on his attention, love and necessities if I had had more energy. This is of course, simply our experience, and I have yet to meet any parent with the exact same one.
I must say that I do not even disagree with the ideas you have, but am appalled and bewildered as to why you would write as though you are some authoritative figure with the "right" answer and that other are wrong and hurting their children. Fear monger comes to mind.
A few things I think would have made your post a more approachable read, instead of a direct "attack". You will always be heard better if you write in a manner that allows ALL readers not to feel defensive and feel welcomed. Clearly this was not written for a discussion, but for an "I am right" episode to feel good.
Your post seems to not take into account the variations of babies temperaments.
You go on in many posts about how you are a working mother as well........only a mother who works from home, though still working, has much more leeway than one whom does not. You do not have to be at a job at a specific time. You do not have to get up, get yourself showered, dressed, fed and the same for your baby by a certain time. You do not have a commute. You do not have to drop your child off at childcare or wait for your nanny to get there and do the trade off. You do not have to do the same in the evenings. Therefore you also have more time in your day, a more flexible sleep schedule, more time to work with your child using other methods, etc. I work from home and am a full time graduate student and all of those things give me flexibility and I would never have the audacity to compare myself to a mother whom works out of the house. Do I work just as hard? Yes. Maybe I even do more considering I am my children's full time caregiver. But I still have that flexibility and extra time you are not considering.
As another poster stated something similar, you have your reasons, other people have theirs. It is my firm belief that I do not want a needy, non-indepenant child whom cannot do anything for him or herself. I dont want to put any more people into this society that are a leech, insecure or have serious parental attachment issues and cannot support themselves. It is my opinion, as a graduate student, whom studies these specific issues in the world on a daily basis, that this is exactly what is wrong with society. Are you going to also give your child a darn prize for every single thing they do whether it is something that should be expected or not? What are you gong to do when they leave the nest, or are you hoping they dont? The real world is not so kind to those who cannot fend for themselves and the government cannot afford to take care of any more of those people. Independence is not a natural instinct. It has to be taught. Im not saying the CIO would teach that or should be use to teach that, but I am saying by your "all mighty" and "superior" testaments to your parenting skills, you should rethink some of the attacks you have towards other people and realize there are just as many "scientific" and purely opinionated reasons your methods may screw your children up as well.
The only reason I attack you in this post, is that you sound so self-righteous and ridiculous that the absurdity of it cannot be responded to without doing so. The message you send is one of rudeness and self-fullfillment. You come across as you truly believe you are somehow superior in your parenting methods, that you know all and that you are definitively correct. You are an "elitist" in parenting methods.
What I do know is that both of my children, one whom never experienced the CIO method, and one who may will be in align with the rest of my family as adults based on our all around parental methods and regardless of whether one CIO or not: Educated at the graduate degree level or higher, married with NO divorces, able to afford to maintain themselves and family with no outside financial help, respectful, grateful to our parents, loving, kind, compassionate, often volunteering and donating our time to numerous charities, RESPONSIBLE and ACCOUNTABLE for all of our actions, independent, close to each other and our friends and most importantly HAPPY! What I do know is between my 2 siblings and myself, only one of us didn't have the CIO done. He is also the only one, although true to my aforementioned attributes, has had an insecurity and other such issues. I assume this is coincidental, but f we are going based on your methods, then apparently there is a direct link.
I am embarrassed and saddened for those whom truly advocate what you are trying to because you are hurting their cause with your self-rightousness. I hope that others, (and I know there are because I have read them and I have read and used their postings for information and reference) whom wish to give off the same advice do so in a much more humble manner, realizing that it is their opinion, not the word of God.
I won't comment on your opinion of me and my post because you're welcome to it.
I would, however, like to clarify that I do work outside of the home (as do many other mothers who do not believe in letting their babies/children cry it out). I gradually reintegrated into the office between 3 months and 6 months of age with my son and I went back to work full-time when my daughter was 6 months old.
Oh, and I don't think that my opinion is the "word of God." I don't even believe that there is a God (me or anyone else).
I agree with the last few posters, though JJ was harsh, he/she hit it on the nail. You are judging others period. If you think you are not there is something wrong with you. You come across that you believe you are superior, even if you do not outright say that you are. Your other post about not judging others seems like a cop out to save face. It is okay if you are judging others, everyone does it, just dont pretend that you are not. It is strange behavior that actually sort of makes it seem even more that "you" are not judging others but feel that "others" are judging you. Why not just admit it? Your approach would have been different if you were not. It just does not seem like a good way to get your point across, which is a good point.
Why are you ALL judging each other? If you let your kid cry it out to sleep fine. If you dont, fine. Doesnt make any of you better than any of the others. Sheesh. It is a family choice that does not need judgement on any side of it, which is exactly what you are all doing. Wow.
JJ, Leslie, Jessica (oh and Heather too on that other post): How cool that you all share one computer. That's awesome. Perhaps you all share one brain and one body too. Glad to see you all at least agree with each other. I hate fighting with myself.
Thanks for your post Annie. I have read it many times... mostly after a night of very little sleep. I'm proud that I've never resorted to CIO. Proud that I follow my instincts.
Annie, you crack me up :)
How charmingly eloquent!!
I've been thinking a lot lately about choices in birth and parenting, and about the community I just moved from. It is not an "average" community in this country in the sense that is highly oriented to attachment parenting and homebirth. I joined a prenatal yoga group and loved the community. I guess I'm pretty crunchy in the general spectrum and for the most part I felt at home. But some of the attitudes left me uneasy, and now that I've moved away they are thrown into stark relief.
I heard a lot of the same things about cry-it-out that I'm reading here. In my moms group, women constantly had to apologize for "giving up" and using cry it out. Cry it out, in this case, was almost always a "modified" Ferber method, where parents would let their child cry for 3 minutes, then 4, then 5 etc. etc, at each interval briefly soothing without picking the child up. As for our little family, we started out with a great sleeper (slept through the night after 3 weeks). But at around 6 months things got difficult sleep-wise, and sleep deprivation only aggravated the postpartum depression I'd been battling with off and on for months. We used the modified method I outlined above and our daughter was sleeping through the night after 2 days. It wasn't pleasant, but it was far less traumatizing than getting stuck in traffic with a crying baby, and my daughter actually seemed happier and more well-rested afterwards (yes, I was still able to follow her cues).
I remember talking to my daughter's pediatrician about the subject. She said there is no evidence that using the Ferber method causes any damage to a child.
And then I realized. She was right.
None of the assertions you make here is based on scientific evidence. It is essentially your opinion, and the opinion of the people you reference. It is not good science to point to studies about long-term neglect of children and then assume that these effects also apply to sleep training. It is not good science to assume that excessive crying causes disorders such as ADD, when it is entirely possible that a proclivity towards the disorder also leads to a greater tendency to cry excessively. Not to mention that the term "excessive" is completely subjective here. Like I said, a bad car ride or the "grandma hour" in the newborn phase featured crying far more "excessive" than anything we experienced in sleep training.
There is, on the other hand, good evidence that sleep deprivation can contribute to depression, and that depression can interfere with bonding. For some parents, sleep training does not jive with them, or they try it and it doesn't work and it's back to the drawing board. For some parents, like us, it works like a charm and everyone is in better condition in a matter of days.
As for the claim that we haven't proven it DOESN'T do harm, well, it's pretty well established that it's just not possible to prove a negative.
I don't object to anyone who chooses to not use sleep training methods. Of course I don't. But I do object to the judgment cast against parents who do make this choice, masquerading as tolerance in the statement, "well, none of us is perfect." And I object to making assertions such as the 10 listed above, and then defending them by saying, well, we can't prove it DOESN'T do these things.
Your parenting choices are yours, and they should be respected. But there is no reason to insinuate that parents who make other choices do so because "no one is perfect," which is another way of saying, "their choice is inferior to mine." Please. There is already too much judgement in the world of parenting.
Thank you, I had to fight my child's Dr. over CIO, but I refuse to do it. For my own personal belief I can't just close the door on him when he does not understand that I am trying to help him sleep. His young mind just thinks mommy/daddy is leaving.....(IMO) After this fight we worked hard speaking with midwives and more experienced parents (FTM) to make this solution which works for us:
8:00pm dinner
8:30pm bathtime atleast 30 mins worth of play
9:00pm dry off and last drink (milk with local honey( during teething we add chamomile per midwife's suggestions)
9:10pm complete blackout besides one light in kitchen to be able to see bedtime storys and lullyby
9:30pm he is out for the night.
My son is 13 months and was always a great sleeper but due to uncertainty of military lifestyle he sleep schedule flipped alot depending on when and if daddy came home that night. This worked for us maybe it will work for others
forgot to add we brush his teeth after last drink
This is absolute madness. One persons view on something with NO research to back it up, the thing that boggles me about people is they wear blinders and twist certain things into to what "they" believe is research. When I started to read this I couldn't help but roll my eyes (oh no, did I roll my eyes because as an infant my parents let me cry it out a couple nights) This method is per parent per child. But in no sense am I a cruel parent because I choose to let my child cry it out in a controlled atmosphere, while doing routine checks. Plus, I have a baby who hates the car ( why I have no idea, but by your arguments you'll probably think my car is no conducive to a babies needs or some BS) when her and I are in the car alone, she cries it out too. I'm not a pull over parent. I always make sure she is fed and changed and comfortable before we leave the house, but when we have doctors appointments we go to the doctors. I don't stop fifteen times because she's screaming in the backseat, that is impractical. So I started to apply the same principles at night, put her down talk to her for a bit and walk out. I am always near by and after 20 minutes I check on her and talk to her. She knows I am there. Yes, from experience I have seen over bearing (helicopter) parents raise bratty BRATTY BRATTY children from constant attention. Of course you give children attention, the attention they need to become assets to society, the type that makes them feel loved. Not the kind where they learn, "mom...mom's pretty much my bitch." Yes, that is the only way is can be put. I am the parent. So whether my four month old or four year old needs to cry it out for a little bit they shall. Kids learn quickly and can pick up on your emotions and your actions. You may think your methods of training your baby to sleep without crying via holding, rocking, or bouncing is working but in all actuality that baby has just trained you, by crying. So instead of that baby becoming self sufficient it is in a constant state of need. Just remember this is YOUR opinion but in no way is this fact, do better research and if you find no relevant research make sure you express your opinion without the citations of crap that is completely different. CIO is not in anyway how you have made it sound, but this is the ignorance of our society and the constant need to be right...so I'm taking it your parents never let you cry it out.
(BTW-I like the way you say you don't like to refer to children as BRATTY, guess you heard that one to many times.)
I am not trying to provoke but just want to point out a few things:
1. Annie did not say she trained her babies to sleep through these methods. Many AP parents believe (supported by doctors, sleep experts, and child development specialists) that it is not a reasonable expectation for an infant to sleep more than 3-5 hours at a time. Some do. My third baby does. Many do not.
2. AP is not permissive parenting or helicopter parenting. AP is being in tune with the needs of your child at its stage of development--not hovering, not giving the child everything he or she wants. I am a fairly strict parent and this has been remarked upon several times by people who are decidedly not AP--but I teach through gentle discipline and I meet what I believe to be the needs of my children at their stages of development. As to children being spoiled by AP...that would mean that children were spoiled and bratty through most of human history since AP (not permissive or helicopter parenting, which is very, very different) is reflective of the methods previously used to nurture infants and young children.
3. You did not say how old your baby is but you mentioned that you believe she knows you are there and also said, "So whether my four month old or four year old needs to cry it out for a little bit they shall." I just want to point out that there is near universal expert/medical agreement (AP or not) that the understanding of object permanence begins at 8 or 9 months. That means that before that, a baby truly does not know the parent is there if they baby cannot see the parent. Even after 8 months, the baby would most likely quickly doubt the parent is returning if the parent does not quickly reappear. An infant is not developmentally capable of understanding that the parent(s) is/are downstairs listening to the monitor. You are free to interpret this however you like in terms of your own parenting, of course.
[...] v bezpečí (aj keď sú deti, ktoré plačú tak silno, až z toho začnú vracať). A potom sú rodičia, ktorí si myslia, že CIO (cry-it-out) metóda je škodlivá. My máme oveľa bližšie k tým druhým, Pantleyovej filozofia je blízka tej našej a to bol [...]
I always mention that Ferber has since come out against CIO after learning about more current research comparing the effects to ptsd and how it negatively effects brain development. There have been an increasing amount of mainstream articles speaking out against cio. Eventually this will go the way of spanking.
I agree with you 1000%! Thank you for this wonderful blog.
Thank you for this list. I agree with you 1000%!
I raised 6 children in the 50's 60's and ten years later in the 70's. I used the CIO method and my children are all healthy, happy, well adjusted children. When I was raising my children we had a routine. When it was nap time we were home so the children could have an uninterrupted nap. When it was bed time we were home so they could go to bed at the proper hour. In this day and age, I see mothers and their children out at all times of the day and night when I think the children should be home in bed. No wonder the children are confused about bed time!! I think children do much better when they are on a schedule and know what to expect. Maybe we wouldn't have the sleep disorders we seem to have.
When I used the CIO method, it did not take very long for the babies to figure out that it was time for sleep.
Jean
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[...] to me that like 6 months ago I said I’d never do this… Except after rereading ….. Cry It Out: 10 reasons it’s not for us …..harmful changes to babies’ brain, decreased intelligence, detached baby, insecure [...]
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Thanks for this article! A lot of the comments seem to be from parents taking offense to your reasons for not using CIO, defending/justifying their reasons to use it. I certainly don't think CIO is for everyone, every baby is different. And may I point out the title of your article is "10 reasons why it is not for US." We tried CIO with our infant in an attempt to get him to sleep in his crib as opposed to our bed. The first night, he fell asleep after 30 mins of crying - we would check on him every 5 mins. The second night, same thing. The third night, he woke up at 1 am and cried nonstop for 45 mins despite our checking on him until I finally gave in to the CIO recommendations and picked him up, changed, and fed him so he would calm down. Our experience was that his crying did not get better/shorter, instead he became more upset and persistant. The fourth and final night, he cried 45 mins again and got so upset he threw up all over himself, his crib, etc. We got him out and cleaned him up, then I rocked him and within 5 mins, he was asleep. All he needed was to be comforted by his parents. I found CIO difficult for many reasons, one of which was that CIO reccomends to not let crying continue for more than 20 mins, but contradicts by saying that if you give in then it will cause a set back? After our experience, and seeing my little one so distraught, we have decided CIO is not for us. I also want to add that once we started CIO, our baby was more fussy, tired, and cried every time we would lay him down whether it be in his play pen, on the sofa, our bed, etc. Our happy baby was suddenly terrified we were going to leave him. Now, we are back to co-sleeping and Mommy, Daddy, and baby are all happy again, less stressed, and sleeping through the night. We will try to get him in his own bed again, but after he is old enough to understand and communicate. My personal experience has led me to believe that CIO does not work for a persistent baby... and is not the end all solution.
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Good lord! You people have gone mad!!! It's exactly this sort of coddling that leads to insufferably selfish people. Why does every consecutive generation become more and more self-absorbed and individualistic? Businesses now have to "gently" reprimand employees for lousy work. "You're doing a wonderful job, Joey, but here are a few improvements you could make. First, try and show up to work on time. Second, work when you get here. Thanks for listening Joey."
Also, businesses are reporting more that worker's MOTHERS are calling in sick for them. 25 year old adults!
So, yeah, if you want your child to think that they are entitled to everything and that the world revolves around them then go right ahead and coddle/spoil. Cater to their every need. Go ahead.
Eventually you'll be calling in sick to work for them.
Hear, hear! That's why my 6 month old does the dishes, my 3 yo chops the wood for the fire, and my 5 yo drives herself to her lessons! No way I'm raising a bunch of lazy freeloaders! That gravy train of nurturing, gradual learning, and unconditional love has to end some time and when they start solid foods, that's where I draw the line! CIO? Heck, by six months they'd better be paying rent. And don't forget utilities!
"Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy led to a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. However, if you consistently soothe your child’s distress and take any anguished crying seriously, highly effective stress response systems are established in the brain that allow your child to cope with stress later in life."
What about coliky babies or babies who have a natural inclination to cry. Are they doomed to "poor school performance and antisocial behavior?" Are they doomed to be violent reprobates?
"Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions."
So if my child cries for a few hours a few nights in a row he'll end up with a "faulty burglar alarm" and a heroin addiction?
"A child that is left to cry it out is less likely to turn to the parents in times of need. Being attended to as a baby is the most basic of needs and if a child learns at that point that she can count on her parents to respond to her needs, then she will also turn to them later in life when she needs their support. But I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness."
Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. So if I let my baby CIO for a few nights he'll be more likely to kill himself? You've got to be kidding me. That's so offensive to even the basest of sensibilities and intellects.
"Children whose caregivers are not consistently responsive and sensitive, often become insecure. Long-term studies have shown that secure individuals are more likely to be outgoing, popular, well-adjusted, compassionate, and altruistic."
Your article is fundamentally flawed. You've seemingly equated CIO to criminal negligence. CIO is NOT neglect.
If you're reading this article and you're a caring, sensitive and loving parent who uses CIO to "correct" the sleeping pattern of your child then NONE, I repeat, NONE of the nonsense in this article applies to you.
I'm sure your children will one day grow to expect the world to provide them with everything they need at a moment's notice (sound familiar?). And then, when the world doesn't, they won't be able to handle it (or they will handle it poorly). Good luck.
Wow! You can tell all that from a comment in which I describe none of my parenting? You must be the world's most talented clairvoyant psychologist!
My children are independent, bright, and well-behaved and manage to learn the consequences of their actions in an age appropriate way...but thanks so much for your concern!
As a former teacher, my kids will get no bailouts from me when they screw up. My kindergartner forgets her backpack? Her problem to work out, with the only help being practicing how to own up to and mitigate the mistake. But my 6 month old cries because he'd biologically programmed to need me? That's quite different.
Why not just hand an 8 year old keys to your car? They need to learn to drive sometime, right?
And stop bathing your 1 year old--he'll never learn independent hygiene! Don't want him to be a stinky adult, right?
The idea isn't coddling...it is age-appropriate learning.
I agree with your comment! These bad side effects of this and that are only frightening parents, who read and try to digest too much.
As long as you love your children, give them your time, respect them as you do your friend they will grow up healthy individuals just like their parents. So first look critically and deeply at the reflexion of yourself and see how your imprint is going to repeat on your children. Are you happy with yourself? If yes, keep informed but take the golden middle path and stay away from extremes.
what I write relates to babies (i.e. under 12m I think over 12m is a little different). The pressure to do CIO from friends, family other mums and health workers is absolutley immense and I was told to do CIO from 3 months old by a number of health visitors. I resisted the pressure as my heart was telling me it was not the right thing for me and my little one. I felt like I had to EXPLAIN why i gave my little girl cuddles rather than letting her scream herself to sleep and explain why I went to her when she was upset in the darkness of her room. SURELY IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND, YOU SHOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU LET YOUR BABY CRY? I understand that some parents must resort to cry it out, but it should no way be the norm and socially acceptable. This, in my opinion, is why there are so many problems with dicipline with children and teens, parents jump to the most extreeme method of getting sleep which fundementally disrespects what the baby needs. I believe all other methods should be tried first. Baby's cry because they need you. I think only when your completely at your wits end should CIO be tried. On a more positive note, it sure takes a while but through responding to your childs needs there sleep will sort itself out. It may take a year or so of broken sleep but you'll get there CIO or not.
Good grief- If you were not prepared to be there for your children to provide their needs before they can achieve them themselves (like Candace says age appropriate learning) then you should not have had children. When a child has the gift of language then they can be told they are to go to bed FULL STOP but until they have that understanding the world is new and unusual and they should be treated with compassion (I guess that word is foreign to you?)
[...] of “Crying It Out” | Psychology Today Should I worry about spoiling my baby? | BabyCenter Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us — PhD in Parenting Just a few links on why to hold your baby and not to cry it out. <3 Moby wrap was our best [...]
[...] it out has long been a debate among parents (or maybe between parents and babies), but babies win this debate, as most studies show that crying it out is not all it’s cracked up to be. A brand new [...]