Tuesday
Jan252011
Nine Ideas to Meaningfully Reconnect with Your Child
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm away at the Blissdom Conference this week and decided to use the opportunity to feature some fabulous guest posts from bloggers I love. This first one, by Dionna from Code Name Mama, will be especially helpful for all of us mamas at Blissdom this week as we prepare to return home and reconnect.
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Think of a time that you have been away from your partner or friend. Days or weeks have passed, and you are anxiously awaiting the moment you will see her (or him). Something important has happened while she was away, and you want nothing more than to hug her close and share your news.
When you see your friend walk through the door, you run up excitedly, completely in the moment. But she has had a long trip, she is frazzled, she would rather just turn the radio on and tune the world out. She gives you a cursory hug, tells you to hurry up, and turns away.
And you are crushed.
Kieran and Tia Tammy taking time to meaningfully reconnect after a long absence.
Now imagine that your child is the one waiting for her friend, and you are the friend. Your child has been in school, daycare, anywhere but with you. You are the most important person in your child's world. He would love to share the events of his day, and he wants to hear about yours. (1)
You might be tired, you might be stressed, but if you could gather the energy to greet your child with joy, you may also feel better after a few minutes of meaningful reconnection.
Whenever you have to leave your child in the care of another - whether it is for work or some other reason, for a full day or only an hour - coming back to your child can be a time of joyous reconnection. Below are some ideas on how to meaningfully reconnect with your child. (2) And if you have not been in the habit of being present and connected with your child after you pick him up, give it some time. Keep trying. You will both benefit in the end.
How do you reconnect with your little one after an absence?
________
1. I feel like I have read an analogy similar to this one, but I cannot find the source. If you know, please tell me, I want to give credit where it is due!
2. Many thanks to my friends on Code Name: Mama's and Natural Parent Network's Facebook pages for helping me come up with these ideas.
3. Playful Parenting at 49.
4. Playful Parenting at 43.
5. Playful Parenting at 93-101.
6. Playful Parenting at 79.
7. 8 Health Benefits of Laughter at care2
8. Reconnecting Through Laughter at KellyNaturally.com
You can normally find Dionna at Code Name: Mama, where she shares information, resources, and her thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler/preschooler. Dionna also cofounded Natural Parents Network and NursingFreedom.org.
~~~~~~
Think of a time that you have been away from your partner or friend. Days or weeks have passed, and you are anxiously awaiting the moment you will see her (or him). Something important has happened while she was away, and you want nothing more than to hug her close and share your news.
When you see your friend walk through the door, you run up excitedly, completely in the moment. But she has had a long trip, she is frazzled, she would rather just turn the radio on and tune the world out. She gives you a cursory hug, tells you to hurry up, and turns away.
And you are crushed.
Kieran and Tia Tammy taking time to meaningfully reconnect after a long absence.Now imagine that your child is the one waiting for her friend, and you are the friend. Your child has been in school, daycare, anywhere but with you. You are the most important person in your child's world. He would love to share the events of his day, and he wants to hear about yours. (1)
You might be tired, you might be stressed, but if you could gather the energy to greet your child with joy, you may also feel better after a few minutes of meaningful reconnection.
Whenever you have to leave your child in the care of another - whether it is for work or some other reason, for a full day or only an hour - coming back to your child can be a time of joyous reconnection. Below are some ideas on how to meaningfully reconnect with your child. (2) And if you have not been in the habit of being present and connected with your child after you pick him up, give it some time. Keep trying. You will both benefit in the end.
Nine Ideas to Meaningfully Reconnect with Your Child
- Make Eye Contact: For parents of infants and toddlers, there is nothing better than finding a quiet place to relax and stare into each other's eyes. Breastfeeding or bottle nursing are perfect ways to make eye contact and share smiles. But even if you aren't still nursing your child, making eye contact is still a wonderful way to establish a connection. "Not many parents have experienced that profound bliss of deep, loving eye gazing with a child over age two. Not many even know it's possible to regain. It's as if we don't really expect those close connections to last. When [parents are encouraged] to engage their children age three, or six, or even older, in soulful eye contact, they usually start out quite skeptical, but if they persist through the initial rejections, and get to that deeper level of closeness, they find it to be one of the most rewarding exercises." (3)
- Unplug and Tune In: Schedule time (when you reunite with your child) to unplug and spend focused time together. Televisions, laptops, phones - everything goes off. One reader shared her experience as a mama who worked outside the home: "When I was a WOHM I got rid of our TV. I know some will scoff at this, but I was also a newly single mama, and for us it made so much of a difference! After four months TV free I realized that we ate less food, slept better, fought less and read more. We played games at night after dinner, like telling stories in a round (one sentence at a time) - makes for hilarious nonsensical stories! It was the best thing I could have done for my family (and we could still watch movies on the computer if we needed)."
- Play: "Play is children's natural way of recovering from their daily emotional upheavals, so the more fluent we can become in the language of our child's play, the better we can help them recomplete the circle of reconnection." (4) Depending on the age and stage of your child, a few minutes of dedicated, down on the floor play can do wonders to reconnect parent and child. Playful Parenting offers a variety of ways parents can connect through playtime.
- Cosleep: Sharing sleep with your child does not need to end with infancy, there are continued benefits to cosleeping with older children. Children who cosleep are generally more independent and secure, develop close and lasting bonds to their families, and report more happiness and general life satisfaction than children who sleep alone. And one of the biggest bonuses for working parents is the added hours of snuggles and closeness you can have with your little one. With everyone relaxed and cuddled up, children feel peaceful and ready to share their thoughts and stories, things that you might never hear during the hustle and bustle of daily life. Read more in Five Benefits to Cosleeping Past Infancy on Natural Parents Network.
- Nurse: Nursing was the number one answer when I asked how mamas reconnect with little ones after an absence. And what's more, you can do just about any of these ideas while nursing. Breastfeeding or bottle nursing give you ample opportunities to make eye contact; you can unplug and tune in to your child while nursing; you can play quiet games while nursing (think peekaboo or toddler nursing acrobatics); and of course you can nurse while you cosleep. Take time to snuggle up and nurse your little one soon after you are reunited.
- Snuggle: Regardless of whether you are still nursing your little one, you can get some quality snuggle time in. And if one or both of you have had a hard day, sometimes snuggling by itself is the best medicine - you don't have to do anything else besides hold each other. But you can add to your snuggle time too: read books, talk about what your child did at school, plan your evening or weekend, play a game (I Spy, 20 questions, etc.).
- Roughhouse: "Boys and girls - rambunctious children and quiet ones - all benefit from thoughtful physical play with adults." Roughhousing, wrestling, and sometimes even tickling, done respectfully, can give you opportunities to playfully connect with your child, help your child work through old hurts, and increase her confidence. (5) It can also help children get some of their wiggles out before dinner and bedtime rituals start, making those transitions smoother.
- Work Together: Parents of older children might find that their best conversations happen when they are working alongside their child. Does your child enjoy helping you prepare the food or set the table for dinner? Do you have a child who will open up while you are folding laundry together? Sometimes in the quiet of comforting, everyday tasks, we can find communion and connection.
- Laugh: "Sharing a giggle is a basic way to join and connect with children. Laughter automatically brings people closer." (6) Encouraging your child's sense of humor will not only help you reconnect on a daily basis, but it will also help your child in other areas: laughter can help improve memory, creativity, learning, and alertness; it can reduce stress; and it has numerous health benefits. (7) Laughter is a wonderful way to "break through the grumpies" (8) and shake off your stress.
How do you reconnect with your little one after an absence?
________
1. I feel like I have read an analogy similar to this one, but I cannot find the source. If you know, please tell me, I want to give credit where it is due!
2. Many thanks to my friends on Code Name: Mama's and Natural Parent Network's Facebook pages for helping me come up with these ideas.
3. Playful Parenting at 49.
4. Playful Parenting at 43.
5. Playful Parenting at 93-101.
6. Playful Parenting at 79.
7. 8 Health Benefits of Laughter at care2
8. Reconnecting Through Laughter at KellyNaturally.com
You can normally find Dionna at Code Name: Mama, where she shares information, resources, and her thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler/preschooler. Dionna also cofounded Natural Parents Network and NursingFreedom.org.
Reader Comments (26)
Love this list! I was in a class recently where the teacher gave us some random (but appreciated) advice: He addressed the boys of the class and told them that if they want a meaningful connection with their families one day they need to make the minutes directly: upon wake-up, before they leave, after they get home and before bed to bond with their children. He told these boys (college kids) that if they did those things, they would be much more likely to have happy families. (Though it was not AP by far, I found it very refreshing coming from an older, male professor.)
Thank you for your guest post!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by phdinparenting, Bernadette, Angella Martin, Robin Kaplan, Gaby Tejeda and others. Gaby Tejeda said: RT @bestinbfing: Nine Ideas to Meaningfully Reconnect with Your Child http://bit.ly/foylJ1 #bfing [...]
I really loved this post. It reminded me once again that most important things in parenthood are the simplest ones: eye contact, giving your time, expressing interest. Sometimes I can't help but feel like a not good enough parent because I am not doing *something* that other parents are doing. But in reality, my gut tells me that everything you've described in the post and a few other things are a lot more important than some sophisticated activity that one might conjure once in a while.
When I come back home after being away, I make it a point to express that I've missed my son. Sometimes it's exaggerated and overboard, but my son always giggles with delight and proceeds to tell me in his pre-verbal way about stuff he did/saw/heard.
Great post! Your analogy reminds me of this Daily Groove from Scott Noelle:
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/love-train
Was that your inspiration, perhaps?
Annie - Thanks again for allowing me to have a voice on PhD in Parenting, I'm so honored that you're sharing this for me!
Sarah - I wish more mentors/adults would do the same! What a great professor.
AnnaNova - I feel the same way. After all of the fancy parenting advice and fun gadgets, the most important things are the simple moments we share.
Theresa - ahhh, I wonder if you're right! I do read Scott Noelle, in fact I used something I'd read from him in a post last week! So that post was probably in the back of my brain. Thank you for digging it up!
When my daughter and I see each other again in the afternoon, I take time to sit with her, ask about her day and we usually nurse. I try to keep the tv off and put off doing chores for at least 30 min.
Dionna,
I LOVE the reminder to make eye contact - it really does make a difference. Also love the co-sleeping suggestion. While we no longer have a family bed, my two share a room (and currently have their beds pushed together at their request), and DH and/or I still lie down with them until they are asleep each night - the stories, jokes, and talks we have in that time of day is so special & really important to reconnecting.
Thank you for mentioning my post on laughter, too! :)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. I also agree that there is just alot of fancy parenting advice out there, and what it is really about is the relationship you share with your child(ren), spouse, friends..... there is no trick or intervention that replaces a wonderful relationship.
And understanding that your child is a person, too. Not a 'bot to control.
I like to remind parents to say to themselves, "Would I speak to my spouse/lover/friend in this tone of voice and expect to maintain a relationship with them?" if they are getting heated/short with their children often.
Loved this post, a commonsense approach!
The best moment of the three days each week that the Critter goes to preschool? Is of course the moment I greet him at the door when he and his father arrive home. (I'm a WAHM, so no commute for fortunate me.) Big hugs and kisses ... I help him get off his coat and boots ... we cuddle on the couch ... usually he wants some "moult" (milk). He's often quite excited and active at that time, and so I like the suggestion to roughhouse. Though really I'd prefer to cuddle.
Another thing that we do, not on your list, is if he wants to sit on my lap while we eat dinner, that's fine. Maybe not the most comfortable way to eat a meal, but I miss him during the day and like the closeness, too.
Thank you for a nice article! It reminded me of a profound moment in my (thus far) short career as a parent.
My partner brought my eight-month-old son to my workplace the other day. I hadn't brought him in since he was less than a month old and was excited for my coworkers to see him. That excitement turned to frustration as dad and son didn't arrive on time, worry as they became later and later, and then embarrassment when the front desk called me to say they were waiting for me (my partner's cell phone died, and he made some...unfortunate decisions about how to handle this that resulted in their being half an hour late. Several coworkers wasted their lunch hour waiting at my desk to see them). I got there and grabbed my son out of his father's arms and raced for the elevator. Suddenly, while we were waiting for my floor, I looked down at my son and realized he was looking at me expectantly, almost worriedly. I realized I hadn't even greeted him! All the anger, embarrassment, etc., disappeared as I smothered him in kisses and told him how happy I was to see him.
This is what I remembered as I read this article. Guilt? Yup. But also, I remember how he looked at me, and I KNOW how important it is to him for me to reconnect when we reunite. What better gift than to have a little one joyful at our return? And truly, am I not joyful to be with him again, too? Thanks for the suggestions; this is now a huge priority for me and will be for the rest of my life.
As a Military Spouse who has watched my husband reconnect after several long term separations (up to 14 months) and uncountable shorter (2-4 weeks) training missions, I have one item to add to this list.
Don't be afraid to give your child some space and let them take the lead. Depending on the age group, your child may be frustrated with you or upset that you were away. Give them the love and attention they deserve, but don't force it on them because you want so much to reconnect.
Also - taking steps to prepare your children ahead of time for separation can help immensely. Explaining you will be gone for so many days by making Xs on a calendar or counting M&Ms for a count down jar. When Seth deploys, I keep some of his tshirts in freezer zipper bags so our babies are familiar with his scent.
Love your children. Connect with your children.
But most of all respect that they have feelings about separation too.
Thanks for the feedback everyone!
And Ann Marie - I completely agree about giving children space and respecting their need to process at their own pace. That can apply for both long and short term separations. I wasn't thinking about longer term separations as much for this post, and I agree that they would have additional considerations. TY!
This is a wonderful guest post- thank you! I'm thinking it's a print-and-fridge-post because I'd love to be reminded when I'm tempted to check my e0mail, twitter, etc. while I'm with my kids! I'm newly a WAHM and more purposefully reconnecting with my little ones after "office hours" and meetings sounds like exactly what we (all) need. This article also really struck a chord with me for my connection with my first grader who I'm still learning how to have away from me all day long. (Yes, still. :)) Again, thank you.
I've recently discovered a great, playful way to reconnect with my kids (9, 6, and 2 yrs) when I get home from work. They usually hear me coming in from the driveway, so they come out the door of the house to meet me - that's my cue to run away from them, doing a melodramatic scream, ("No, don't chase me, don't chase me!") and I dash around the side of the house as best I can in suit and heels with them in hot pursuit. They love it, it burns off some excess energy before we sit down to dinner, and the playfulness help us all reconnect in a way that doesn't involve sibling competition for my attention.
Nice post, Dionna! :)
So, true, Ann Marie! Some children are overwhelmed by the emotions that they feel upon reconnection - this is especially true of long separations, but can even happen after a day apart. They need time to adjust and to work through their emotions, especially any negative ones. Is this particularly true of toddlers? It wouldn't surprise me, because they often have trouble dealing with the complexity and intensity of emotion. My little one usually doesn't run to greet us after a separation, and can seem casual or even distant in the moment of reconnection. But he really just needs to be eased into it, and not overwhelmed by us grabbing him and trying to make feel what we're feeling (overjoyed to see him again).
That is such a sweet idea Elizabeth!! I'm sure Larry Cohen would love it :)
Great article! In our house we get silly and dance, it's such a great way to reconnect with my kids, and they love when mommy gets silly!
Great post! I agree that nursing is an amazingly easy way to reconnect with my little ones -- I struggle a lot more with all this with my preschooler who no longer is nursing. I know many of these things work with her, though -- thanks for the ideas and reminders!
I've learned not to rush in with questions about how preschool was -- I get an almost teenager response from my little guy, but he's needing his time to collect himself just like any adult introvert. We get to the details casually and later, sharing a bath or making dinner. I think another key is to create decompression time for yourself BEFORE you are physically with your child....helps you get into the right frame of mind. Devoting the last 30 minutes of a workday with the phone on forward and planning out what needs doing the following day works wonders.
I nodded away through this - my 10 month old and I reconnect after separations using many of these things! I think you could also add a comment that it doesn't matter how old they are, because reconnecting is about honouring them as a person and acknowledging that they have feelings and those feelings aren't yours. I love the feed we have when I collect my daughter from childcare, gazing into those blue eyes and letting her twiddle with my hair.
[...] Here’s another blog talking about ways to reconnect or stay connected with our children. You can check it out here. [...]
SNUGGLING!!! That's the newest craze in our household, especially with the cruddy weather we've been having lately. I liked this article a lot, thank you! It reminded me of another one I just recently read, about happiness and things you can do to improve yours and your family's with simple things. If you're interested, check out: http://www.redtri.com/expert-happiness/christine-carter . The happiness expert, Christine Carter, also has happy mom tips (ex. Tip #3, express gratitude) that are fun for you and can be a quick teaching lesson for the kids.
I wholeheartedly agree with making eye contact. My grandson is one years old and when I'm holding him in my lap and facing me he'll begin studying my face intently and I study his as well. I definitely feel we really bond during these times.
[...] Here is one on connecting with your child from PhD in Parenting (funny how so many of these things are also principles of Waldorf parenting!) http://www.phdinparenting.com/2011/01/25/nine-ideas-to-meaningfully-reconnect-with-your-child/ [...]
These ideas make my heart just melt. I am not yet a mother but it is my next step in life and these very ideas are so important to me. I want to live a life with my child "unplugged and tuned in." I remember when I was a child how important my time was with my parents without the television. Especially camping my parents never brought along the cell phone. It was just us and the woods and that is such an important innocence in a childs life. Laughing together of course comes with all these ideas. Thank you for sharing your love and ideas with us.
[...] Nine Ideas to Meaningfully Reconnect with Your Child. Away from your kiddos for a morning, a day, a week, a month? Nine excellent ideas for how to reconnect when you reunite! Great tips for moms and dads! (Code Name Mama at PhD in Parenting) [...]