The Bible of Parent Blame: "Your Kids Are Your Own Fault" by Larry Winget
Friday, December 10, 2010 
Last year Meagan Francis from The Happiest Mom received a press release about a horrible book and called it out on twitter. I had just started writing on a blog called I Blame The Mother and it seemed like a great venue to write about this book. So I wrote a post called Like beating yourself up? This book may be for you. Today, a press release for the same book landed in my inbox. The title is still the same, but they have toned down the parent blame a little bit in the press release. I'm still not rushing out to buy it though.
Here is what I wrote on I Blame the Mother last year:
Do you like having people tell you how horrible your kids are?
Do you enjoy being told that you are a bad parent?
If that is your idea of a good time, this book by Larry Winget may be for you. It reads like the bible of motherblame. From the press release:ABOUT “YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT” (Gotham Books; January 2010; Hardcover; $26.00).
This is not a fix-your-kid book. It’s a fix-the-way-you parent book. You owe it to your kids to parent with a plan. As Larry explains, “Why am I writing this book? Look around. Our kids are a mess! They are overmedicated, over-indulged, over-fed, over-weight, over-entertained, under-educated, under-achieving, under-disciplined, disrespectful, illiterate brats with a sense of entitlement that is crippling our society. And it has to change!”
Along with in-depth research and experience from raising his own kids, Winget makes sure you “don’t expect to change your kids’ behavior, unless you are willing to change your own.” He uses the same tough love approach that has made him a bestseller to make sure you are teaching your kids the right values to become productive adults and live a successful life.
WINGET tells you things you don’t necessarily want to hear or admit to, such as:
–You tell your kids they’re special. They’re not!
–You make your kids the most important thing in life. They’re not!
–You turn to medicine to fix everything. Don’t be lazy!
–You set a bad example. Your kids follow it.
Winget forces parents to take a good look at their own behaviors and make a change. He offers five basic principles but suggests it isn’t a matter of just doing them; it is how well you do them that counts.
This Winget guy sounds like a wing nut to me. On his website (not deserving of a link…look him up if you want) he calls himself the “pitbull of personal development” (FWIW I don’t like pitbulls). His other book is called “No Time For Tact”, which he very obviously demonstrated by bringing out this parentblame book. It sounds like it breaks all of the rules of appropriate parenting advice by trying to shame people into whipping their kids into shape. He is also on twitter and predictably is not following anyone and doesn’t reply to anyone…all one way communication. Just the guy I want to teach me to be a good person and a good parent.
I’d love to take my copy of The Nurture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris, which concludes “as for what’s wrong with you: don’t blame it on your parents” and whack him with it.
So today, I received a press release from the publisher of the book that reads:
LARRY WINGET, The Pitbull of Personal Development® and New York Times bestseller is back with YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT: A Guide for Raising Responsible, Productive Adults (Gotham Books; January 2011; Paperback; $16.00).
I know what you are thinking. Why is Larry Winget writing a book about kids? As Larry explains, “Why am I writing this book? Look around. Our kids are a mess! They are overmedicated, over-indulged, over-fed, over-weight, over-entertained, under-educated, under-achieving, under-disciplined, disrespectful, illiterate brats with a sense of entitlement that is crippling our society. And it has to change!”
Along with in-depth research and experience from raising his own kids, Winget makes sure you “don’t expect to change your kids’ behavior, unless you are willing to change your own.” He uses the same tough love approach that has made him a bestselling author to make sure you are teaching your kids the right values to become productive adults and live a successful life.
Winget forces parents to take a good look at their own behavior and make a change. He offers five basic principles but maintains that it isn’t a matter of just doing them; it is how well you do them that counts.
Ø Communication is the backbone of civilization and kids will learn to communicate with the world based on how they learn to communicate within their own family.
Ø Involvement is crucial. Know your child’s friends and teachers. Know what your kids are doing and who they are doing it with.
Ø Education is the responsibility of the parent. It’s not up to the school system to make sure your kid learns what they need to in order to be successful, healthy and prosperous. It’s up to you!
Ø Discipline is a code of conduct by which you live. You will be challenged every step of the way – that’s what kids do.
Ø Punishment and confrontation is something most parents dread but it is a necessary part of parenting.
Winget touches upon all of life’s lessons from being responsible with money, to discipline, to dealing with your child as a dating teenager. YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT is the ideal guide for any parent navigating the intricate road of parenthood. I’d be happy send you a review copy today!
So, it seems Meagan got the hard core YOU SUCK AS A PARENT press release for the hardcover book and I got the slightly softened you suck as a parent press release for the paperback book.
In any case, I replied to the e-mail that I received and said:
Hi [redacted],
I actually wrote about this book on another blog that I contribute to last year:
http://iblamethemother.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/like-beating-yourself-up-this-book-may-be-for-you/
Your e-mail has prompted me to repost it on my blog.
Thanks,
Annie
www.phdinparenting.com
The reply I got...
Fantastic! Thanks, Annie!
Fantastic indeed...
Image credit: f_mafra on flickr
Reader Comments (252)
Lucie,
For the record (having read his blog through the eleciton), Larry voted for Obama.
He's hardly Conservative. He votes both sides of the table depending on what issue is being spoken about.
He's a nuanced dude - check him out before you judge him!
I so disagree:
"I haven’t allowed any comments on this post that insult you or your parenting any more than you have insulted us or our children in your book title, press release, and comments on this blog post."
To allow comments that call someone Hitler, and that his kids should be in therapy???
VERY different to saying "your kids are your own fault"
I'm surprised by your defensive tone.
I am NOT surprised by Larry's tone - because he SELLS himself as a Pitbull. That's his brand.
You market yourself as an attachment specialist. Yet when the rubber meets the road? Is that what you are living in your communication with Larry? Or is it a matter of only living attachment principles with others who live your same values and judging anyone else - which is in total opposition to attachment principles!
Larry recommends deep engagement with kids... read the book - truly.
zchamu -
Where exactly did I say that? "the author is claiming that the content of the press release has absolutely no relation to what's in the book." Seriously, show me where I said that in any of my comments. I said that I didn't write the press release which is true. And I said that the press release did what it was intended to do which is also true. After all, this back and forth has gone on for over a day and has stirred up controversy in many places on the internet and it's selling books which was the intention of the release. Looks to me like the PR folks are to be applauded for a job well done.
All the best to you and yours. Now you can go back to slamming me some more because I bothered to comment.
I don't really understand the focus of the question. (Also, I don't think it really related to the book at hand, but...)
Regarding the prescription of the meds, I think the blame is spread among the doctor who made the diagnosis in a young child, the insurance company who ok'd it, and the parent who didn't find a second opinion.
If you're asking if these children need anti-psychotics because of their parents? Only in the sense that it may be have gone on genetically, behind the scenes and beyond the parents control.
Calm down...no one called this guy Hitler. Since you are an educated person, read the comment again, without just being blinded by the mere reference to Hitler.
Yes, bringing up Hitler in any context is a cheap shot...it is why it shouldn't be done in general. But when a snarky guy who tweaks everyone (quite often mocking Annie) is making a point that you don't need to read a book to be able to judge someone's philosophy...well, that ain't the same as calling the author Hitler. No one said he is Hitler, or like Hitler, or resembles Hitler...I'm sure if you took a step back you'd know that.
Jon
To answer your question are huge numbers of children being prescribed anti psychotic drugs inherently ill, or is there something wrong with the parenting? I would favour an alternative and broader explanation.
The World Health Organization estimates that by 2020, depression will rank number two as a cause of disease burden, second only to heart disease. Mental illness are rising in frequency and it's not entirely because they are being over-diagnosed. One can go ahead and blame parents or think that reading Larry's book will just give us all the kick in the butt that we need to address this. But, I believe that the rise in these disorders has more than one cause: and guess what- it's not the mother. It could be our diets, environmental toxins, or chemicals in our food. It could be the sunscreen we use all the time now that prevents vitamin d from being absorbed. It could be early exposure to cow's milk protein causing inflammation in the gut: a huge source of neurotransmitters. It could be even be all of the advertising we are exposed to on TV and other places. It could be trans fats which have replaced the myelin sheaths around our nerves. It could be any number of things and probably is more complex than just Big Pharma providing happy pills for lazy parents to avoid the hard work of parenting.
Candace,
Can you hear your tone?
Because someone else is snarky, and in your face do you need to be? Do you teach your kids that when they are "tweaked" you should make snarky comments about someone being Hitler? Do you teach reactivity or empathy, understanding, and love in the face of EVERYTHING?
He markets himself as being in your face to GET a reaction so that people wake up to taking responsibility for themselves.
THIS is an attachment parenting board. With a philosphy of compassion, reflection and connection.
A comment that insinuates he is Hitler is totally out of alignment with the philosphy of this.
That you ONLY pick up on THAT is VERY telling. My whole post that shares that while is honesty and audacious energy is strong, his HEART is GOLDEN.
You are operating under several false impressions.
This is not an attachment parenting "board".
This is Annie's blog.
She tends to write things congruent with attachment parenting and many of her regular commenters agree with that philosophy...but anyone can comment here, within whatever boundaries Annie sets up. As you can see from this discussion, she does not delete comments that disagree with her.
Backpacking Dad quite often disagrees with Annie--and often comments not on Attachment Parenting posts but rather on posts about activism.
You do seem rather fixated on ONE commenter's mere mention in this comment of yours. I could quote your several mentions back to you but I'm sure you can find them yourself and you would probably view that as snarky.
I did not call anyone Hitler (in fact, I stated earlier that I did not allow my students to use Hitler references outside of genocidal fascists), nor did anyone being "tweaked" call someone Hitler. Annie did not call anyone Hitler.
In fact, NO ONE called anyone Hitler. Backpacking Dad drew an analogy showing you do not need to read a book to be able to talk about the philosophy contained therein. His analogy is a good one, Godwin's law notwithstanding.
Alison . . . you just proved my point . . . it is always some condition or circumstance re diets, vitamin d etc . . . you now what I don't see . . . not one mention of people taking responsibility and ownership for their own life . . . it is always something else.
When and at what time do we take responsibility as parents, as adults and as people for our own circumstances . . . this includes our children? Or are we as you suggest nothing more than a rudderless ship tossed about by a sea of outrageous fortune?
Ashely . . . what exactly is in the parent's control . . . it would seem that your answer is more an evasive opinion as was Alison's. I quote actual data, not opinion that 3 to 17 year old children are being prescribed anti psychotic drugs and both your answer and Alison's skirt the issue with opinion but no facts or supporting data.
What are the facts to substantiate your positions?
I relate to your comment. I have 3 kids. A 25 year old son, a 10 year old daughter and a 9 year old daughter. All 3 of my kids are very quiet and respectful when out in public, act very well and never get in trouble at school, and I have never had to get on them in a public restaurant for acting stupid or running around being bratty. I feel like that is mostly due to the way I raised them. However, they tend to be noisy at home, like to bicker with each other about little to nothing and like to constantly ask me to do things they know I am not going to let them do. THAT also is my fault. I take full responsibility for the way my kids act in public and in private.
I have to say that I don't FULLY agree with everything that Larry says 100%. I have 2 kids who are both A.D.D (not A.D.H.D) and are both on medication for it. I don't have them on medication so that I can be lazy or turn them into little zombies. They are on medication so they can be more focused and sit still in school and make good grades. We tried it with and without meds and they both do WAY better ON THEM. SO that's what I do. But I don't have to agree with every word in his book to know that I like his general message.
I would really like to see Larry's opinion on UNSCHOOLERS and RADICAL UNSCHOOLERS. Ppl who never make their kids do anything they don't want to do, including school work, brushing thier teeth, bathing or minding. No meal times, no bed times.
There is that whole idea of thinking in a lesser degree getting more popular among parents nowadays by giving kids way too many choices. We ask our kids if they WANT TO do things rahter than just presenting them with what is going to happen next. I don't need to consult with my 9 year old to make sure that what I have planned for them is acceptable. I don't have to coordinate my schedule with my children's whims or wants.
I see a lot of ppl here truly offended by Larry's book and the whole idea of what it represents. I see that most of you who are chattering the loudest are ppl who subscribe to the Attachment Parenting philosophy right? Treat your kids like little adults instead of little kids? I think that most ppl who are getting offended by the idea of this book are ppl who it hits really close to home with.
And as far as PhD in parenting... I don't think anybody really thought that that was a genuine degree. I think they may have been calling it out to the whole ego behind calling yourself a PhD in parenting. Especailly when someone hasn't been a parent for that many years.
I see that most of you who are chattering the loudest are ppl who subscribe to the Attachment Parenting philosophy right? Treat your kids like little adults instead of little kids?
That's not attachment parenting.
Most of what you describe is very permissive parenting and has no relation to AP.
That's right, Annie. I too am responsible for my children and my parenting. They are very young. When they are out and about people comment that they are "good". When they become "not good", for me they are tired and it is time to go home.
but I just cannot agree that they are 100percent my influence because I don't do all the parenting.
What about school teachers? baby sitter?
100% is very harsh. and I take that to mean literally.
I agree i affect the way they turn out alot. but not 100%.
Jon, I am sorry if I didn’t make myself clear. I do believe that parents should take their full share of responsibility and that they should try their very hardest to be the best parent they can be. The vast majority of parents I know are doing just that. The vast majority of parents are doing the best they can with the resources that they have, and they do love their children very much. Yet sometimes “bad children”- children with behaviour problems and struggles and difficulties of various kinds- happen to good people. I am trying to understand why this can happen. What I would appreciate is for the village it supposedly takes to raise them wasn’t so quick to assign me so much blame.
Here's the deal: None of you really know Larry Winget so before you judge someone and prove your hypocracy, take a serious look at what he's saying. Ever since people like you started your "Children Are All Little Gifts From God" routine, they have gone out of conrol. You have taught them they are entitled and don't need to earn anything and have wrapped them in a blanket of protection that can be directly connected to the sudden rise in stress reported by new college students. I was born without arms in 1960 and the harsh reality of the era produced a completely independent and productive man who lectures to over 75,000 adolescents a year about things like accountability. By the way, I also know Larry loves kids, just like I do. We just like the ones who are raised right and we believe we are right.
Jon, your "actual data" has no reference. Alison's does (the WHO). Your "actual data" doesn't support your argument more than Alison's; it simply lists a number and then draws conclusions without supporting a causal relationship between the information and the conclusions. Your argument is also sociologically and rhetorically inadequate. And finally, it is more than a little simplistic to simply "blame the parents"; what I like about Alison's "evasive" answer is that it embraces the nuance that is characteristic of real life rather than settling on one easy place to point fingers.
I am the LAST person to medicate my child and have a deep suspicion of all things pharmaceutical; however, I do not have a child suffering from a medical condition. I also have a hard time believing that you've never met a child with phenomenal parents who always has behavioral problems that cannot possibly be ascribed to those parents (when, for example, they have another child who is a delight). If you're suspicious of the motivations of pharmaceutical companies, is there a reason you can't cast an equally critical eye at some of the other potential factors that Alison mentions? After all, the food industry (for example) is hardly without flaw, for example, and there's an enormous body of work to suggest that various kinds of food may have a behavioral effect on people. Here's a great article to get you started with your research on this matter; it details the causal relationship between conventional produce and ADHD.
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/peds.2009-3058v1?maxtoshow=&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&fulltext=Bouchard+%2B+ADHD&searchid=1&FIRSTINDEX=0&sortspec=relevance&resourcetype=HWCIT
Natalie:
I'm happy that Larry was able to help you in your time of need and that he was compassionate and giving in doing so. Unfortunately, the lack of compassion for other parents that was shown in his press release and in the introduction to his book (which I eventually checked out on Google Books), did not show any compassion. He may have some useful ideas in his book. He may be a kind man. But if he is going to hide behind the facade of a rude, demeaning person, then most of us will never have the chance to get to know him the way that you have.
You mentioned that you have a boy and wanted him to have stronger energy than you were supplying. In that regard, I would highly recommend the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen. He addresses the need for children (boys, but also girls) to have an outlet for their aggression and gives parents strategies to provide them with that. It is a wonderful book that empowers parents without first insulting them.
You mention Larry's strong male voice (versus the gentle feminine tone of other male writers you have read). Perhaps his tone and approach is something that you need to motivate you. Perhaps it is the approach that male role models in your life took with you. Personally, I find it demeaning (not towards me personally, because he isn't describing my kids), but I guess it is possible that other people prefer to be spoken to that way. My preference is for a strong yet compassionate voice (is that female? male? not sure...doesn't matter) when speaking to parents who might need help. That is a voice that I usually strive for on my blog when addressing parenting issues. In reacting to Larry's press release last year, that is not the tone that I used, but I wasn't addressing a parent in need. I was addressing an insulting press release.
Finally, no one here compared Larry to Hitler. No one even insinuated it. The simple point that was being made is that you do not need to read a book from cover to cover in order to have something valid to say about the author and his views.
I have enjoyed the back and forth exchanges here and had many laughs reading them. My fans and phdinparenting's fans have made it an interesting couple of days with the repartee. Annie got a lot of mileage from it on facebook as did I and I am betting that this little blog got her site more attention than it has had in a good long time.
Let me try to bring some finality to this at least from my point of view as I am done, in fact, well done.
I don't care how any of you parent your children. I never did and still don't. I am not attacking your approach and never did. You can label it with AP or whatever you folks want to call your particular style of parenting and I still won't care. My approach is different and I don't care whether you use my approach or no approach at all. You see folks, I don't care how any of you accomplish anything as long as the right thing gets accomplished. I have never once in any of my books whether the topic was money, life, business or parenting suggested that I had THE way to do anything. I only suggested that I had A way. I have made it clear in the introduction of each of my books that my way worked well for me and that if your way isn't working well for you, then perhaps you should give my way a try. I have also stated that if you try my way and it doesn't work, then you should keep looking for another way that does create the right result for you as my way clearly isn't for everyone.
All I have ever asked is that parents raise their children in such a way that the end result is an independent, fiscally responsible, courteous, respectful, loving, honorable, honest, ethical, hard-working person of integrity. I wrote my book for those who see, as I do, that there are a good number of people who are none of those things. I hold the parents responsible and that bothers many of you. I use the word "fault" and that really upsets some of you. That's fine. I don't care if you hold yourself responsible or don't, I don't really care whether you like the wording I use or don't as long as your child grows into the adult I just described. Because when they don't, they end up hurting the rest of us, costing us money, and making our lives miserable. They fill our prisons, our street corners and our homeless shelters. They are a burden to society in every way. That bothers me and I wrote a book that might help some folks turn that cycle around. Again, choose any method of parenting you want and call it what you want as long as the result creates a person of value. And yes, that statement is a value judgment based on my belief system and that also bothers some of you. I'm fine with that too.
This exchange came about because I spoke up in defense of myself and my work. I honestly don't care whether you like me or my work as long as you give both a fair shake. I didn't feel I getting one so I spoke up about it. I suggest everyone do the same: when wronged, speak up. If you don't, get used to being wronged and change your name to "mat" so people can walk all over you. I argued that my book was labeled as horrible when the book had not been read. That still seems fair to me. You folks argued that the press release was off-putting. Actually, the press release did exactly what it was supposed to do: create controversy in order to gain media attention in order to sell books. Trust me folks, this exchange created a lot of controversy and did result in the sale of many books which means that the press release did the job! I also argued that you folks had attacked me personally and called me names, even making inappropriate remarks about my children and one about my parents. I won't go through it again, but I don't allow that to my face and I don't allow it on the internet either. And not one of you would do that to my face and would only do it behind the anonymity of the internet. I don't think it fair to call people names and act childishly for reasons of appearance or style. I don't consider it fair to attack people at all but only a person's actions and results. And in the case of a blog that is dedicated to and proudly displays that they are a part of the Blogging With Integrity community which agrees not to attack people but only ideas, I found it strange that most of the attacks were not about my ideas but about me. I only initially spoke up in defense of my personal integrity and the integrity of my work. I don't feel that is acceptable.
I am finished with this blog and this exchange. All the best to each of you and thanks for a great couple of days and thanks for helping me sell some books!
Okay, but you've been "done" with this blog before. Are you really really pinkie-swear finished with this blog now? Promise?
Larry, my name is Alan Thomas and I live in Kirksville Missouri. If you were having some sort of book signing near here I guarantee you I would feel absolutely no compunctions about telling you, to your face, what I think about your wrongheaded authoritarian Tea Party-esque ideas.
Alan as long as you read the book first, I would listen because then and only then would you have an educated point of view based in substance and not hearsay. And I am about as far from a Tea Partier as you will ever find. But thanks again for reinforcing the generalizations and the name calling. Your comment is perfect to support every argument I made.
I knew you couldn't quit us. You're too cute.
I'll confess surprise that you say you're "about as far from a Tea Partier as you will ever find." So you're a socialist? Or at least a liberal Democrat? Really? Your defender Jim Bouchard may have just lost faith in you!
BTW, I'm a different Alan than the Alan from some of the earlier comments.
I really wish you would send *me* private emails, Annie.
Wink, wink.
*leers suggestively*
runs off cackling like a school girl.
For some reason the blog will not allow me to post a reply to a comment above referencing the conflation of AP with permissive parenting. Maybe too many nested replies already? Anyway, here's what I tried to post--hopefully it will show up down here:
I thought I replied to this before, but the comment is not here even after refreshing--ugh.
Anyway, I totally agree about the confusion of AP with permissive parenting. Some of this is the fault of those who claim to do AP but are actually not willing to discipline their children in any way, which if we are to accept the Sears family as the leaders of the AP movement, is totally disconnected with the Sears philosophy. See the links here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
I've known parents who called themselves AP who let their kids ride roughshod over them and never exerted any authority; this is not the Sears AP way.
Developmental psychologists have determined that both permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting are far less than optimal ways to raise children. So a debate between permissives and authoritarians will never really show any clear winner. It is authoritaTIVE rather than authoritaRIAN parenting (or permissive parenting for that matter) that is clearly superiour, and we have seen the good results for ourselves with our three kids. See here for a primer:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles#Authoritative_parenting
LOl such a fruitcake response! Thanks for making me laugh "backpacking dad"
I think, like Annie, that we are responsible for our parenting, but that we must recognize the role of genetics and the child's environment on behaviour, and the role of culture and society on our parenting. No parent or child can be considered without considering their context.
If everything comes down to bad parenting then aren't all my problems (including my bad parenting) my parents fault??
Alan:
Sometimes comments with several links in them get flagged as spam. I fished this one out of the spam folder.
Actually my blog traffic during the past couple of days has been a bit below my usual daily average. The number of comments from people who never visited my blog before and probably will never visit it again was certainly quite high though. I hope my regular readers weren't too put off by the exchange. I know several of them were amused, so at least there is that.
Peggy Sue:
I don't claim to have a PhD in Parenting. I say that I'm working on my proverbial PhD in Parenting. This blog is my journal of that journey.
Some people who subscribe to attachment parenting do talk about treating their children with the same respect that they treat other adults. While I recognize that children do not have all the same capabilities as adults, I don't see that as an excuse to belittle them. I see it as a reason to give them even more compassion than I would give an adult. I don't let my children do anything they want, but I don't let my husband do anything he wants either. I have relationships of mutual love and respect with my children and with my life partner.
Trexxd:
I think you are confusing two things. I said I am responsible for my parenting. I did not say I am 100% responsible for the way they turn out. In fact, I didn't make any claims about being responsible for how they turn out at all.
Natalie:
So it is okay to insult other people if that is part of your brand, but it isn't okay to do so if it isn't part of your brand?
I think I brand myself as someone who isn't afraid to stick up for herself and her values. If that means throwing a punch everyone once in a while to someone who says kids are stupid and their parents are stupid too, then so be it.
Okay, I've been reading your blog for years. I don't always agree with you 100%, but I always like that you make me think or laugh or both. Usually more thinking than laughing, but that's beside the point, isn't it? Your blog introduced me to all sorts of ideas about parenting before I became a parent that have significantly influenced how I view parenting and I've recommended this blog to a shit ton of people over time.
...BUT...
I have found this post and it's comments disappointing.
As you do, I receive dozens of book pitches (predominantly for children's books, in fitting with my blog, but several for parent-aimed books as well) every month. Most of them are crappy pitches, so I completely understand where you're coming from on this. And I realize that this post is supposed to be more about the massive PR fail that occurred than it is about the book and its contents. On that point, I agree. Pretty ridiculous fail, especially since you included a link and all.
Even so, I feel that Winget has a point. If your initial post was in keeping with the atmosphere of that blog, fine, whatever. But it is not in keeping with the atmosphere of THIS blog. This blog has always been about ideas, about information, about education, about inspiration, about facts. It has never been about jumping to conclusions. And if you did not read the book, if you only read the press release, then regardless of whether that press release is reflective of the book contents, whether or not your assessment of the book is accurate, you did just that. You jumped to a conclusion. Which is something that I think your blog is generally not about at all: you are usually all about presenting evidence that supports your conclusions. Furthermore, Winget's press release is not necessarily intended to inform you of the contents of the book, it's intended to entice you. Public relations firms have one purpose: to make money. His wrote up a PR release in the hopes that it would help sell books, thereby making money, and it probably did. I have to believe that somebody who constantly thinks (or at least blogs) analytically, as you do, Annie, must recognize that the press release could have any number of goals that we aren't aware of when it turns up in our inbox. It's effectively an advertisement, isn't it? It's supposed to up-sell. If you turn a critical eye at the adverts out for high fructose corn syrup or infant formula or plastic toys or even the hottest new television program, then why not at the press release too?
I understand not wanting to waste your time reading a book that you aren't interested in. Every time we pass over a book - be it at a shop, in a library, or in a press release in our inbox - we make the decision that our time could be better spent doing or reading something else. And I am going to be the last person to try to convince someone to read something they aren't interested in; I think reading should be enjoyable. I do think, though, that until we actually pick up a book and read it, none of us can judge it. Sometimes the back of a book, the press release, the television special...sometimes none of those are truly reflective of a book. I can't even count the number of times a book has been a complete surprise - pleasant or otherwise - even though I read several reviews and saw an author interview or what-have-you. I suspect that most of us have at least once in our life used a product we felt was over-sold or under-sold. If that's the case with you too, then I can't help but think that you must at least understand where Winget is coming from when he calls for fairness. Not interested? Fine, don't take him up on his offer. I'm not interested in his book either, honestly. But let's at least admit that from his perspective - and his perspective is as valid as yours, every perspective is - it makes sense that he might feel that your post was unfair. I don't think your original post was unfair if it was in keeping with the atmosphere of the blog it was posted on, as you say it was. But I do think it was unfair to post it here.
More than anything, though, I think it's really a bummer that everything is being taken so personally. I don't think the people who wrote the press release meant to be insulting and I don't think you or Winget intended to offend either. I wish we could discuss the PR fail without being pissed off about semantics of the book or the blog.
I observed some of the exchanges in this post via Twitter this morning, and promised Annie that I would comment so here I am. I have not read every comment, nor have I read Larry's book and to be quite honest, if I had received the press release it would have been hit with the delete button immediately.
No, I don't have a university degree ( in the USA I'd need 1 yr and qualify to be a teacher), although I've worked with high risk and special needs kids for 18 years. I've been a foster parent to gang members, rapists, drug addicts, and the like. I know the whole tough love, realist approach, because I believe in some of it too. What really kicked my ass was my own kid.
That's right, my own kid. From ages 3-8. Back then, he had an undiagnosed condition, and looked perfectly normal. Thing is, he wasn't-and everyone around us from our families to friends, perfect strangers and school staff told us on a daily basis what rotten parents we were. In the meantime we were pulling our hair out. We tried EVERY SINGLE thing we knew (my husband has a masters in psych and a BA in Social Work), and nothing worked. Ever. I read every single parenting book I could get my hands on, we tried counseling, therapy, and NOT ONE THING WORKED. The two hour screaming tantrums, the inability to handle transitions, poor impulse control, annoying social habits, all fell squarely on us. Of course, we're the parents, so it was our (mostly mine, because I'm the Mom) fault.
The schools praised my work with kids, called me their best ever, and then turned and said I couldn't parent. Thing is, THEY didn't know how to handle him either and only wanted him medicated or out of their classrooms altogether. Completely unqualified people constantly tried to diagnose him with every ailment you can think of, the top one being ADHD.
It didn't matter that we were telling them we believed he had sensory issues, they said. We were crazy. WE didn't know what we were talking about.
It got so bad that by the time my son was 7 he wanted to die, and one day I stared down a logging truck, contemplating throwing myself under it. If I sucked that badly as a parent as all the experts said, I didn't think I deserved to live anymore. How's that for being told you suck?
The hell ended when he was 11, and sitting in the Children's Hospital Austism screening unit (school thought he had that too), we were told that our son had dyspraxia. The doctor continued to tell us that we had gone FAR above and beyond to get our child what he needed, and that we had been right all along. The so-called "experts" were completely WRONG.
He's now 15 and an incredibly easy, fun teenager. I don't regret anything I've ever done as a parent, except one.
I listened to the 'experts' in those stupid books instead of myself.
Scatteredmom, I just wanted to give that comment a thumbs-up. I wish more people were out there reminding us to follow our guts instead of the 'expert' advice. I'm pretty certain (although I'm sure many, if not most, disagree!) that in child-rearing, there is no such thing as an expert. How can there be? Every kid is different!
I'm glad that you and your family were able to get through such a difficult phase together =)
Well, to be first: I am in no way qualified to make judgments on the state of anti-psychotics in children 3 to 17, as I am not a scientist or a doctor of any sort, and I have done no research on the topic. I had no idea you could even prescribe anti-psychotics to children that young.
But you have no made your point clear -- as far as I can tell, your point is that children need anti-psychotics because their parents are somehow "bad," but you're not being clear.
And I had no data to support: I did not say, 3 out of 4 mothers does this, or 90% of doctors do that. I simple stated my opinions -- and stand behind them, that the blame of giving a child anti-psychotics lays on several shoulders, no just the parents, and that you cannot say that the only reason anyone needs anti-psychotics is because their parents were somehow inadequate. It may play into it, but in no exclusively, and even good parents can have children with mental disorders.
http://wiki.fandomwank.com/index.php/The_Law_of_Diminishing_Dramatic_Exits" rel="nofollow">The Law of Diminishing Dramatic Exits.
I'd like to point out that yes, there was some inappropriate commenting on both sides, but also: it wasn't on the part of PhD (to whom the only Blog with Integrity applies to; it does not, for better or worse, extended to her commenters), and as far as I recall, it wasn't on your part.
You cannot hold her any more accountable for her commenters than she can hold you accountable for those that came over from your Facebook page.
It's funny because I haven't read anyone saying that parents have no responsibility for their kids. Both sides are agreeing that parents have a responsibility to guide their kids in the development into adulthood. What Larry and his supporter are not realizing or possibly dismissing is the INFLUENCE of other people and things in our kids lives. There are so many influences on a daily basis that I'm not even going to list them. We would have to lock our kids at home and have such enormous control over their lives to prevent these influences from shaping our child in some way. I, and I think most people, would have trouble developing a loving relationship with a person who had that much control over our lives.
I'm a stay at home mom that is with my child almost all hours of the week aside from maybe 2-4 hrs when she's in child care at church and at 20 months, she's already picking up things that we, her parents, have not taught her. Her time away from us is only going to increase as she gets older. My child is exceptionally bright, at least I like to think so ;) , and while it would be great to take all the credit, I know I cannot. Sure, I spend time with her, talk to her, read to her, teach her, model appropriate behavoirs but some of the things that she's says or does I know weren't from my influence. I think it goes both ways, we cannot claim full credit or take full blame for the way our kids turn out.
I think it is irresponsible, insensitive and rude to ignore these external factors that mold our children. I also know that many of the parents who are fans of PhD in Parenting are using their responsibility AS parents to hold people in our children's lives accountable for their own influence. If you aren't familiar with this blog, you could take the time to read posts that call out media, businesses, and other entities in our kids lives for their unethical practices in putting their own agenda before our children's health, safety, and sanity.
However, there are other parents who don't have the privileged and advantages that others do. If you can't see the systemic discrimination keeps you in a position to have more control over your life than other less fortunate people do, then there's nothing I write to make you see otherwise.
You have obviously not actually read the book and if you really do have a PHD in anything your comments should at least be fair and non-judgemental - as Larry is.
For crying out loud get a life and enjoy your kids and what you have now - if you aren't careful you could lose it all - my youngest son died and I'd give anything if he was still here but I don't go round spouting nonsense about parenting - our kids are what we make them and we can make them good people if we try hard enough.
Take care of yourselves and your children - we are all special!
Scattered mom
Thank you so much for posting this. You describe a very similar situation to my own. My oldest son had issues all his life and I cannot tell you the number of people out there- people who should know better, too- teachers, social workers, family members and others who blamed us without knowing our secret anguish and herculean struggle to help our child. I think when you have such a child, and you have worked so hard, you have tried everything, and you love your child and would give anything to ease their pain, even a book title “Your Kids are your own fault” is like waving a red flag to a bull. It joins those others in kicking parents like me when we are down. It makes me feel more unsafe in a world where having this child has already made me feel unsafe as a mother.
There have been some people who “get” it....sometimes they are people like you who are on a similar path. Some are just kind and empathetic people- I am thinking of one particular lovely teacher that my son had- and I am grateful for these occasional gems I have met in our journey.
However, the trolls outnumber the princes in the Kingdom of Parenting this child. After a while one gets so wary of people that they meet. And that is isolating and lonely. It is very sad that the very parents that need the support of the entire village get instead, the torch of blame shined into their eyes. It has happened to me so much that my eyes hurt and the tears some days are too close to the surface.
Oh Fia, you're a woman after my own heart. I too, feel like a lot of commenters are missing out on good things said by both sides. I do agree, as a few others said, that this is unlikely to be a book that Annie would enjoy, or even endorse. I don't, however, think that this is ANY reflection of how her children will turn out, or any indication of her personal responsibility towards parenting OR life in general. I follow Larry Winget on facebook, because I enjoy his reminders that things in my life, good and bad, are my responsibility. I also follow Annie on Twitter, and enjoy her reminders to parent my children with love and mutual respect, while standing up to companies who I believe are using their influence to harm our environment and our society as a whole. A person can appreciate both of their styles for different reasons, and in different niches of their life. At least, I can. I am saddened by the amount of people on both side who commented without really trying to understand either side. I do agree that the PR was somewhat comical, and not what I would have chosen, had I written the book. I also responded on Larry's facebook page that I think people object to the idea of guilting parents, as that's the part I object to. My two cents anyway.
PS-I do think it's interesting that Larry is called the Pit Bull of Personal Development, and that some objected to that, because I've always thought of Annie as a sort of Pit Bull of certain aspects of activism. I mean that in the nicest way, as I really respect how strongly she stood up for babies, children and the environment in her anti-Nestle activism, especially at the BlogHer conference.
Once again these comments are deteriorating. Frankly, I don't care if you're a Tea Partier, a liberal, a conservative or a communist. The point here was a discussion on the importance of raising children.
Lost in the discussion is this: HAVING children is choice. We'd do well to invest more in teaching young people about the huge responsibility of having children. Once had- they do become all our responsibilities whether we like it or not; especially when the parents cannot care for them adequately.
No Alan, I know Larry's character and while we don't always agree, I've always found him to be respectful, considerate and truly curious about other points of view. Those who resort to name-calling and childish jokes only serve to highlight their own characters.
Raise your kids any way you want- but if they turn out differently than you expect, don't blame anyone but yourself. You made 'em.
Best thoughts,
Jim
And THAT makes perfect sense.
Fia- THANK YOU- you're describing reality perfectly. Kids are exposed to outside influences and unless you're going to lock them in a box, some of these will be outside your control.
The responsible parent will do everything within his or her power to counter those influences rather than some who simply give up. It is not an easy job. Many parents bring their children to my martial arts program for exactly that reason- they're trying to provide as many positive experiences and influences as possible.
We teach kids to stand up and do the right thing when they're tempted and challenged by peers and others who may be destructive influences. Will they always resist? No! I didn't and I certainly paid a price.
However- the more responsible we are the better chances children will have.
Peer influence is significant- in fact some studies say that peer influence does more to shape values than parents at certain ages. I'm wondering if that could be due to some parents not parenting?
Speaking to some of the parents dealing with severe behavioral problems- I work with kids dealing with a wide spectrum of these conditions from emotional issues to severe ADD and autism. I can tell you that those with responsible parents fare much better. At some point most of these kids will be adults dealing with real life; we've got to help them by teaching them to be responsible for their actions and behavior despite their conditions.
Believe me- I feel for parents dealing with these problems. It's particularly challenging in adoption cases where you may have no idea about early life trauma, exposure to drugs pre or post natal, psychological abuse or neglect; all serious factors in later behavior.
The answer is the same: love, patience and perseverance. One parent spoke of a child who did eventually level off- I see it every day. That type of patience and consistency are the hallmarks of the responsible parent Larry is talking about.
By the way, in my program I now insist that if a child is dealing with any condition that affect behavior, that I will tell the other children in the class. This way, when an autistic child has an outburst- the other children have a greater understanding for why the outburst happens and for why I'm being a little more patient with it.
Since adopting this policy- I've found the other children to be nothing but supportive, helpful and understanding. At the same time, we've still got to hold ALL our children accountable for their behavior no matter what the condition. There is no "ADD" in our classes! All it means to us is that we adopt our approach to suit that child and help the child become a happy, productive and independent person.
I'm confused by some of the obviously responsible parents in this thread being insulted by some of us insisting on parental responsibility! If you're hanging in there and battling the outside influences, biological conditions and other factors- you're being responsible. Where's the insult?
If you think the world is responsible for raising your child, or that other people should put up with lousy behavior from your kids if you're too lazy to teach them how to respect others- then you should examine why you feel insulted.
For the record; I've also seen great kids come from lousy parents. I don't fully understand the phenomenon though in most cases there is another powerful influence in their lives...or maybe some of those kids are just old souls! At any rate; I've known kids who taught their parents how to behave.
Folks, in the end the situation is simple. If you've got a parenting method that's working- GREAT! If it's not working- it's your responsibility to find a method that does. There are obviously plenty to choose from.
You made the kids. Who, other than you, is ultimately responsible for them? That seems to be the one unanswered question.
Best thoughts to all for successful and happy children!
Jim
I came late to this discussion, and have read most of the comments.
I too was struck by the lack of discussion about just how much control parents have over the environment they raise their children in. Controlling children is not something I would choose or can really relate to. Controlling their environment and opportunities is something that I can relate to.
I do not live in the US, so I could be missing something cultural. But I know from my own experience that the family unit of mum, dad and children is not the only 'force' socialising young children. The broader social context in which the mother, father and children (or parent child unit, however they define themselves) does make a difference. The media and other people in the childs life are going to also exert their influence when it comes to values. You would have to be living a pretty isolated life to be able to be the only influence on what values your children will adopt.
I can understand the frustration of witnessing parents not taking responsibility for their children and hoisting that responsibility on anyone willing to take it. It is frustrating to witness. However, I struggle to understand a world view that sees people in such isolation from one another and believes that parents are the only influence when it comes to instilling values in children.
@Megan- what I don't understand why there is an implied connection between insisting on personal responsibility and the assumption of isolation.
Personal responsibility does not imply isolation nor discount outside influence. It simply means that no matter what the outside influence, the responsibility for parenting lies with the parent. It is the parent's responsibility to respond to these outside influences- not surrender to them or hope that they change.
Personal responsibility and individuality does not isolate people. If anything, these qualities strengthen human connections. Are you more attracted to someone who is whining and complaining and insisting on your help; or someone who is strong, confident and offers an interesting or useful perspective? Are you more attracted by someone who is extremely needy or someone who is independent?
Are you more likely to help someone who demands your help and insists that it's your responsibility to help; or someone who is doing the best to help himself and is asking for meaningful assistance?
It seems this thread on parenting has struck a deep social nerve. Are we on the edge of subverting personal responsibility to the ideal of a social collective?
Interesting and maybe dangerous times!
Best thoughts!
Jim
PS...I have responsibilities to take care of! I'm bowing out! If anyone would like to debate these issues you can find me on Facebook! Best thoughts to all!
Jim:
I haven't seen anyone in this discussion get insulted over people insisting on parental responsibility. I have seen people (myself included) object to Larry's statements that everything is the parent's fault. Larry said himself in his book, "the only reason we have stupid kids is because we have such stupid parents." Yes, he said THE ONLY REASON. That is what I am reacting to. Both his assertion and the way that he has chosen to express it.
Most of what you have said here is very reasonable. I think if Larry adopted a tone similar to yours, a lot of the people in this thread who are objecting to his work might be willing to listen (even if they didn't agree with absolutely everything).