The Bible of Parent Blame: "Your Kids Are Your Own Fault" by Larry Winget
Friday, December 10, 2010 
Last year Meagan Francis from The Happiest Mom received a press release about a horrible book and called it out on twitter. I had just started writing on a blog called I Blame The Mother and it seemed like a great venue to write about this book. So I wrote a post called Like beating yourself up? This book may be for you. Today, a press release for the same book landed in my inbox. The title is still the same, but they have toned down the parent blame a little bit in the press release. I'm still not rushing out to buy it though.
Here is what I wrote on I Blame the Mother last year:
Do you like having people tell you how horrible your kids are?
Do you enjoy being told that you are a bad parent?
If that is your idea of a good time, this book by Larry Winget may be for you. It reads like the bible of motherblame. From the press release:ABOUT “YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT” (Gotham Books; January 2010; Hardcover; $26.00).
This is not a fix-your-kid book. It’s a fix-the-way-you parent book. You owe it to your kids to parent with a plan. As Larry explains, “Why am I writing this book? Look around. Our kids are a mess! They are overmedicated, over-indulged, over-fed, over-weight, over-entertained, under-educated, under-achieving, under-disciplined, disrespectful, illiterate brats with a sense of entitlement that is crippling our society. And it has to change!”
Along with in-depth research and experience from raising his own kids, Winget makes sure you “don’t expect to change your kids’ behavior, unless you are willing to change your own.” He uses the same tough love approach that has made him a bestseller to make sure you are teaching your kids the right values to become productive adults and live a successful life.
WINGET tells you things you don’t necessarily want to hear or admit to, such as:
–You tell your kids they’re special. They’re not!
–You make your kids the most important thing in life. They’re not!
–You turn to medicine to fix everything. Don’t be lazy!
–You set a bad example. Your kids follow it.
Winget forces parents to take a good look at their own behaviors and make a change. He offers five basic principles but suggests it isn’t a matter of just doing them; it is how well you do them that counts.
This Winget guy sounds like a wing nut to me. On his website (not deserving of a link…look him up if you want) he calls himself the “pitbull of personal development” (FWIW I don’t like pitbulls). His other book is called “No Time For Tact”, which he very obviously demonstrated by bringing out this parentblame book. It sounds like it breaks all of the rules of appropriate parenting advice by trying to shame people into whipping their kids into shape. He is also on twitter and predictably is not following anyone and doesn’t reply to anyone…all one way communication. Just the guy I want to teach me to be a good person and a good parent.
I’d love to take my copy of The Nurture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris, which concludes “as for what’s wrong with you: don’t blame it on your parents” and whack him with it.
So today, I received a press release from the publisher of the book that reads:
LARRY WINGET, The Pitbull of Personal Development® and New York Times bestseller is back with YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT: A Guide for Raising Responsible, Productive Adults (Gotham Books; January 2011; Paperback; $16.00).
I know what you are thinking. Why is Larry Winget writing a book about kids? As Larry explains, “Why am I writing this book? Look around. Our kids are a mess! They are overmedicated, over-indulged, over-fed, over-weight, over-entertained, under-educated, under-achieving, under-disciplined, disrespectful, illiterate brats with a sense of entitlement that is crippling our society. And it has to change!”
Along with in-depth research and experience from raising his own kids, Winget makes sure you “don’t expect to change your kids’ behavior, unless you are willing to change your own.” He uses the same tough love approach that has made him a bestselling author to make sure you are teaching your kids the right values to become productive adults and live a successful life.
Winget forces parents to take a good look at their own behavior and make a change. He offers five basic principles but maintains that it isn’t a matter of just doing them; it is how well you do them that counts.
Ø Communication is the backbone of civilization and kids will learn to communicate with the world based on how they learn to communicate within their own family.
Ø Involvement is crucial. Know your child’s friends and teachers. Know what your kids are doing and who they are doing it with.
Ø Education is the responsibility of the parent. It’s not up to the school system to make sure your kid learns what they need to in order to be successful, healthy and prosperous. It’s up to you!
Ø Discipline is a code of conduct by which you live. You will be challenged every step of the way – that’s what kids do.
Ø Punishment and confrontation is something most parents dread but it is a necessary part of parenting.
Winget touches upon all of life’s lessons from being responsible with money, to discipline, to dealing with your child as a dating teenager. YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT is the ideal guide for any parent navigating the intricate road of parenthood. I’d be happy send you a review copy today!
So, it seems Meagan got the hard core YOU SUCK AS A PARENT press release for the hardcover book and I got the slightly softened you suck as a parent press release for the paperback book.
In any case, I replied to the e-mail that I received and said:
Hi [redacted],
I actually wrote about this book on another blog that I contribute to last year:
http://iblamethemother.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/like-beating-yourself-up-this-book-may-be-for-you/
Your e-mail has prompted me to repost it on my blog.
Thanks,
Annie
www.phdinparenting.com
The reply I got...
Fantastic! Thanks, Annie!
Fantastic indeed...
Image credit: f_mafra on flickr
Reader Comments (252)
The Secret people here just get their sexual pleasure from blaming others, and don't give me brownies or a reach around.
When a person "obviously has a higher standard than" someone else, it shouldn't be necessary to point out. Said "higher standards" should be self-evident in one's behaviors and interactions.
In my experience, it's only when those standards most obviously are NOT high that one feels the necessity to highlight their own "higher-ness" and put others down in the meantime. The way you have reacted to Annie's post and drawn attention to others' shortcomings in an effort to build yourself up is a real turn off; PARTICULARLY in the realm of authoring a parenting book.
If your conduct in this post is evident of the content of your book, then no thank you.
Larry:
1) The book isn't free if I waste my precious time reading it. My time is valuable. I'm sure if you teach personal development and financial responsibility, you understand that.
2) My blog post last year was a fit with the tone of the blog I wrote it on. It includes tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic, and even bitchy responses to people who write articles or books that blame mothers for everything that is wrong in society. Was it nice? No. But neither is the premise of your book and I don't think that parents should have to take that sitting down.
3) If I don't have a clue what your book says, then your press release needs improving. Isn't it supposed to give me some hints about what your book says? If it is inaccurate, please let me know. But if it is accurate, then I find your book to be demeaning to parents and children. I also disagree with some of your parenting suggestions (e.g. punishment being essential), but I wouldn't bother to write a blog post about it for just that reason. If you weren't insulting parents, I would have just hit the archive button when the press release came in and not bothered.
4) I never referenced your facial hair or your clothing. Perhaps other commenters did.
5) I haven't allowed any comments on this post that insult you or your parenting any more than you have insulted us or our children in your book title, press release, and comments on this blog post. Your title, press release and quotes from you/your book are inflammatory and do not reflect any sort of high standard.
6) I agree that all kids are good kids. I don't agree that people become bad adults because of bad parenting, except in extreme cases of abuse and neglect.
I don't hug trees, but I do love trees and I do hug my children.
FUNNY FUNNY SENSITIVE PEOPLE. So who's fault is it when your kids have wonderful moments of politeness and selflessness. When they are kind and share, when they grow up to be really smart good citizens and productive people? From your comments above - It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Get real people... Apple - Tree. That's all I am going to say! Actually read the book if your egos can handle it.
But Annie, everything in Larry's life is his fault -- except for his book's press release.
O-my.... My mouth hit the floor on this one... you are not responsible for your parenting? Who is? Sesame Street, Power Rangers, Sex in the City?? Everyone is responsible for their own children. I will even take it a step further and state that your relatives and friends should be responsible for your children by exhibiting proper behaviors and providing a caring, loving, and learning environment.
When my friends or siblings to my friends end up going home to Mom and Dad I can honestly say, the parents did not prepare their kids for the real world.
People take personal responsibility for your kids, your job, and your life. Things get better when you do.
P.S. Larry:
I have not sent you any private e-mails.
You subscribed to the comments on this blog. All of the e-mails you got from me were automated e-mails sent when I posted comments to this blog. So your comments on your facebook page that I "wrote you personal notes because I don't want to discuss it publicly" and that I "didn't post her own until I told her privately what a coward she was for not taking the battle public" are ridiculous.
If you looked closely, you would see that the so-called "private e-mails" that I sent you start with a notification that says:
There is a new comment on the post "The Bible of Parent Blame: "Your Kids Are Your Own Fault" by Larry Winget".
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/12/10/the-bible-of-parent-blame-your-kids-are-your-own-fault-by-larry-winget/
Author: phdinparenting
Comment:
.....
If you read carefully, you will see that I said I AM responsible for my parenting.
Oh, my... So much to say! And here I am posting on my phone, typing with one thumb because I'm holding a fussy sleeping infant in the other arm...
Annie never wrote a review of the book. She posted the press release and her reactions to it. Learn to read, Larry and Croonies.
Now, Larry: you're so offended that Annie dare write of your book without having read it. So irresponsible! She didn't do her research! Yet you have no problem bashing her parenting (and, well, everyone else's, really) without meeting our kids. So, really, I'd say we're even on that one.
You say you're not a parenting expert (I'd quote your comment, but I'm posting on my phone; makes copying and pasting a bit more of a challenge). You're a personal coach, blah blah, but not a parenting expert. SO WHY ARE YOU WRITING A PARENTING BOOK?
Sounds like you need to rewrite, and re-market, your book. You say you're writing a book on what people need in order to be successful -- then write that book. Leave parenting out of it.
With regards to the "your kids are your fault because it's your job to CONTROL them (and beat them into submission if they don't behave as you wish) and NO OTHER FACTORS COULD EVER POSSIBLY PLAY A ROLE IN THEIR UPBRINGING OR DEVELOPMENT"... Good God! Are you effing serious?? When was the last time you turned on the television? Opened a magazine? Walked down the street? Visited a mall?
I don't know where you live, but I'm in the US. Have you ever walked into a US public school? Have you ever walked into a US public school in a low-income attendance zone?
I thought you were childish and ridiculous (for attacking Annie and REPEATEDLY COMING BACK to argue and call her, and her readers, names again), but when you -- and your groupies -- tried to say that the parents are solely responsible for how a child turns out, and that NO OTHER FACTORS play a role, at all... Wow. There are no words for your ignorance and your privilege.
Thank you for proving Annie's points so eloquently. You are an arrogant, pig-headed, privileged, ignorant arse.
The moms you attack in this comment thread are loving, caring, dedicated, giving, responsible women who treat their children with love and RESPECT, and who teach their children to be responsible, accountable, loving, caring, giving, assertive, productive, self-assured people.
The women you attack in this comment thread ARE parenting experts. They are not your intended audience. So get over it, walk away. Go write another book on a subject in which you're not an expert, because we need more of those books.
Arwyn, I love you.
I have to admit that I think it's funny how you all are tearing into a book that you haven't read based solely on the press release of the book. That's exactly the parenting I want to teach my kid! Instead of not judging a book by its cover, we'll judge the book by its press release! That's much better!
In case you're missing it, that is layered in sarcasm. You all have a luxury of being mothers. How many of you manage employees across a variety of generational gaps? How many of you have to consistently deal with the entitled nature of generation Y? Do you think you're doing society a service by spreading libel about an author who has a different point of view than you do?
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. If this is the kind of parenting you do, spreading accusations and misguided judgments on things you haven't read, then perhaps I just might pick up this Winget book and give it a good once over. Perhaps it will teach me a thing or two about decency.
Andrew:
I did spend many years as a hiring manager in a successful consulting firm. I only hired people who were really good. I subscribed to the philosophy that "my employees are my fault". Rather than blaming their mom and dad, I took a good hard look at my recruitment process and hiring protocols if I ended up with problematic employees who felt a sense of entitlement (beyond what they truly were entitled to, which included their salary, benefits, my respect, challenging work assignments, opportunities, etc.).
Why is saying that your kids are your own fault an insult?
My kids are my fault, all th bad they do as well as all the good. I take credit for both.
The parenting that we are responsible for is a direct reflection of "how our children are." I wouldn't say that it is 100% but definitely a significant factor. It is not until much later in life when children become teens and adults that parents are not as responsible for "how" their children are.
He's just making a point that this is this guys style. He doesn't expect it to appeal to everyone. And at the same time, just because it is not appealing or not your style of parenting, it is inappropriate to call him names as occurred in the original post and up thread on this comment string.
FWIW, I relate to a ton of things on this blog and probably parent very similar to a lot of you reading here and this book does resonate with me because I do believe that there is a level of personal responsibility that is lacking as well. Sometimes everything can't be sugar coated and there are a ton of people out there complaining about their kids and how they suck or don't do this, blah blah blah. They need this book! Their parenting is different than what is expressed here on this blog and they need to hear that it is really about them changing, not the kids. And I think that the author of this blog would agree that the kids are generally good which is what the author of the book is stating in so many words. But instead they chose to read it as an insult to their own parenting. How dare anyone say one of us could do better....
I know some loving, caring, responsible mothers whom I call friends but they do not hold their children accountable and their children speak to them in a way they would never speak to them. And they allow it. It is not fun to hang out with these kids and its not going to get any better when they get older....what I speak of is not a phase but the development and encouragement of personality and not all personalities are acceptable. Some people have such a problem with their own childhood that they find it difficult to draw any type of boundaries with their own. I see this book as more of a way for people to learn how to set healthy boundaries when they are faced with a problem. If I didn't think that my kid was making me deal with awful situations on more than a regular basis I wouldn't want to read this book either.
I'm wondering why these commenters here don't see that this book could be very useful to some parents and that it of course just isn't for them. I haven't looked through the blog but I don't see anyone crap-talking the Pearls and I'm sure their book promotes the worse alternative possible to parenting.
I just want to say that I do think their is a level of personal responsibility that is missing. There was a post that went up not too long ago about a 5 year old being sued for running down an elderly woman who then required hip surgery and died three months later from unrelated causes. How it must have sucked though to spend the last three months with a recovering hip surgery...not to mention the major medical bills.
Without any extra information than just that everyone jumped on the side of the parents and kid and thought it was obscene for there to be lawsuit. Tons of people were saying this. Not one person even thought to think about the elderly woman who could have had poor vision, slow movement, etc. and she was faced with fast moving, agile kids on a bike.
Bike safety, personal responsibility, respect for our elders....I'm confused why everyone jumps to the defense of children simply because they are 'just children and make mistakes.' There are all kinds of things I'm just learning and I make mistakes but that doesn't make me not responsible for the outcome of my learning.
Some people say even their 8 year olds still walk around with their heads in the clouds. Fine. But they shouldn't be riding their bikes on public sidewalks if they can't pay attention and know how to use the brakes on their bike. If they are still at the point of just learning than a parent should be jogging along side for reassurance. But instead we will just pop training wheels on and let 'em at it.
Isn't it really about what we teach our kids? Two-year olds recognize store branding and so much more because they see it and hear it enough. I really don't like hearing parents say that their kids are too young to know this or to do that. In some cases I think its a cop out.
Anyway, I just want to say that although I would take the time to read this book I really wish that the author of this blog was able to see the usefulness of it for other parents. I can tell you that my sister took her son to a behavior specialist because she finally figured out that at 4 years old the problem was him and not his preschools because now he was in his third one and the problems still persisted. I knew what the problem was, it was her parenting. And the specialist said so. She told them there was nothing wrong with him and they needed parenting classes.
People are looking for a quick fix. They are busy working or whatever and they want someone to give their kid a pill to act good. Although AP styles of pareting are making a comeback, we are still in the minority in the U.S. There are people who need to hear what this author has to say because they don't believe it could possibly be them. And that type of personality probably needs to hear a title and press release like the one here.
Now I admit that the PR response is funny and that the press release is jarring but I don't believe that there is much more negative things to be said.
And I do think it is funny that the AP or CL people who are here commenting are rattling off names and negativity all the while speaking about what we are and who we are as mothers. That's not to say we would let someone walk on us but I guess there could be more tactfulness when we are lifting up our own style of living.
Carrie, I like the way you think!
Please don't call me a Larry groupie....unless of course you want me to call you a PHDin parenting groupie.
I am a mother and have managed a business, so please don't speak for me. This entire website is extremely biased I could shred it apart in no time. The fact that somoene can't voice an opinion nor review without attacking someone personally speaks volumes. The fact that someone gets insulted by someone (that in fact is a great father) giving out advice for people to better themselves is beyond me.
I do not agree with a lot, but for me to go on spewing all of my opinions on something that I have not done enough research would be ignorant of me. There are plenty of authors/bloggers that I do not agree with; YET, I still take the time to read their books so that when I speak about them to make my point, I do not look like a fool.
Here I am taking my time to read what this site is about and what it *offers* so that I can make my own opinion and take what I think will be beneficial for me. Is it that hard for you to not do the same and instead just bash Larry Winget? Go on, this isn't marketing scheme like you make it in your head....step up to the plate and take some time to read his books. Then come back and make your statements. But of course, that is just too much for you guys because you can't seem to move past the "I am insulted" attitude.
"Thank you for proving Annie’s points so eloquently. You are an arrogant, pig-headed, privileged, ignorant arse.
The moms you attack in this comment thread are loving, caring, dedicated, giving, responsible women who treat their children with love and RESPECT, and who teach their children to be responsible, accountable, loving, caring, giving, assertive, productive, self-assured people."
I just LOVE how ingnorant you sound. Would you like for me to call you a pig? Please do a bit more reasearch and find for yourself what a person's background is before you attack. And do not speak for me! I am a woman, a mother, a business owner. I do not see Larry attacking any women. This is you assumption.
Carrie:
I agree that there are probably some parents who could use help. Personally, when I am going through difficult parenting moments, I have turned to the words of some great authors for inspiration and ideas. However, I don't think it is useful for parents to be told how much they suck. I think most parents are trying really hard and even though they may struggle with some things, insulting them isn't going to give them the confidence they need to improve. The parents who truly do suck aren't buying any book, whether it is Larry's or one that I would recommend. There are plenty of great books out there that help parents to get through tough situations and to create an environment that is conducive to a good parent-child relationship and conducive to the child's success. No one needs to read one that insults them.
Whether dealing with a child, a teenager, a spouse, a colleague, an employee or anyone else, telling them how much they suck and that everything is their fault is not a motivator. Giving them confidence and tools to do better is a motivator. It seems that Larry is trying to mix the two in his book, but I don't think it is necessary to insult parents before giving them the tools to succeed. I don't think ANYONE needs to hear the message in the title and press release. I think it is unfair and insulting...more so than anything anyone has said about Larry here.
I think it's interesting that you don't have three hours or four hours to read the book, but you've managed to scrape out about 2,000 words in response to everyone's comments.
I would think an educated, professional blogger would take the time to learn about a different viewpoint than their own, and THEN give their thoughts on it - not make a judgment based on the book's press release, insult a mans life work, and then spend hours defending yourself to strangers on an internet message board.
Carrie,
"I know some loving, caring, responsible mothers whom I call friends but they do not hold their children accountable..."
Um... if they don't hold their children accountable for their actions (in an age-appropriate manner), then they're not responsible parents, now are they? #wordsmeanthings
"I’m wondering why these commenters here don’t see that this book could be very useful to some parents and that it of course just isn’t for them."
Simple: because of the way the book is presented in the press release.
Well, that was the first reason. The author's behavior has proven the assumptions correct.
"I haven’t looked through the blog but I don’t see anyone crap-talking the Pearls..."
If you haven't "looked through the blog" (this one or I Blame The Mother, where the original post appeared) then how do you expect to see any other posts?
Nina,
I was not speaking for you or to you. Nor did I call anyone a pig.
If I were exhibiting pig-like behavior, then you'd be justified in calling me a pig. Kind of how I am justified in calling Larry pig-headed, because he exhibited pig-headed behavior.
"I do not see Larry attacking any women. This is you assumption."
Yes, silly me. I assumed women were parents.
I meant specifically for something related to other 'controversial' books.
And being responsible is not isolated to good parenting. They are professors, pay their bills, own rental property. All things that can be categorized as responsible and fulfilling duties. Please, don't be so complacent with your response to me.
I'm not sticking up for this guy. I just don't see it as insulting as you guys do. Everyone has a different comfort level and I'm a parent who can go hard myself too when facing difficult times.
If people (children, adult, whomever...) do best with positive motivators, as Annie said in her response to me, then don't you think it would be appropriate to treat this ill-remarked author with some positive motivators?? I'm just saying...it just seems hypocritical and it is in the hardest times that we revert back to our ugly selves most often. If this is all it takes for some of you to go off the handle with name calling then I wonder how often you find yourselves accountable with your own parenting.
As far as I know the guy is not promoting spanking and the like. I read the page on his website and the book is about developing a plan and parenting with intention. I think that sounds awesome!
It was PhD in parenting that pasted the You Suck image on this post. A picture is worth a thousand words and that image puts a big thought in the head before someone even gets a chance to think about it.
Andrew,
"...we’ll judge the book by its press release!"
Um... are you aware of the PURPOSE of a book's press release??
"You all have a luxury of being mothers. How many of you manage employees across a variety of generational gaps? How many of you have to consistently deal with the entitled nature of generation Y?"
I think my head just assploded. ARE YOU EFFIN' SERIOUS???
You seem to have mistaken the word "mother" to mean "person who has never had a job in her entire life. Ever." I'll just leave this there, because, really, there are no words.
I've spent the past decade working in US public schools, most of those years trying to teach high-schoolers. You think you have something to tell ME about today's entitled youth??? I'd like to see you try.
Some PR firm sent me a press release for a book called "Mein Kampf" the other day and I was all "This looks like a terrible book." Then when I said it looked like a terrible book, based solely on the press release and some rooting around on the Internet, wouldn't you know it, goddamned HITLER showed up on my blog to call me out for saying his book was terrible without ever reading it.
I thought maybe I'd had enough information about it based on what people on the Internet were saying, and what some people I trust had to say about it, and because it wore its opinions on the sleeve of the press release. But apparently I was wrong because goddamned HITLER said there was so much more to the book than all that and really I was doing everyone a disservice by purporting to review or have an opinion about a book I'd never read.
After that, I apologized to Hitler and accepted the copy of the book he offered me so I could correct my error. He was right. I had no business saying a book was terrible or in any way damaging to anyone unless I'd personally read it.
Nina,
Why would I object to being called a PhD in Parenting groupie? I follow the blog and Twitter feed, recommend the articles to others, agree with what I read here... go ahead and call me a PhD in Parenting groupie. I don't have a problem with accurate statements of fact.
"Is it that hard for you to not do the same and instead just bash Larry Winget?"
How much of Larry's writing do I have to read to be allowed to express my opinion on it? Because I've read more than I think I need to read here, in the comments he's left. His ignorance, arrogance, and privilege are blatantly obvious. I don't know about you, but my free time is too scarce to spend it reading ignorant, arrogant, privileged crap. Too many GOOD, useful books sitting in my TBR pile.
When the substance in the Tupperware container hiding in the back of the fridge has furry things growing on it, I throw it away. Sometimes without even smelling it first. I don't feel a need to EAT the fungi to MAKE SURE the food's gone bad. Do you?
Having taught siblings raised under the same roof, and having two very different children myself, my opinion is that yes, it is nature and nurture. Your parenting matters in the sense that Annie asserts and also in that it has *some* influence on your children... some more than others. They recently came out with a study that suggests that some children are more or less "immune" to parenting. They are the kids who will turn out pretty much the same regardless, barring outright abuse it neglect. And then there is a smaller group of kids profoundly influenced by parenting. Just food for thought.
Onto the press release...
Seriously, why do you think bloggers were sent the press release? So they could pre-judge the book? Why was it written in a sensationalist style? To get people talking.
Well, you have to take the good with the bad. If you ask a person, "hey what do you think?" you may not like the answer.
I don't love the insults, which is generally not Annie's style here. At the same time, arguing about whether Annie is responding to the release or reviewing the book is quite silly. She clearly states she is responding to the release. And, of course, that's the purpose if the release...to get a response. Crying foul because you don't like every response is just silly.
When I was a teacher, I forbade all Hitler references unless we were actually talking about genocidal fascists. But that made me laugh so hard, I would have made an exception in your case.
Criss - You are funny. Love the fungi comment.
I want to say one last thing before I go to bed. AP is not intuitive to everyone. Nor will it work for everyone as we are all on different levels of life. Hopefully our parenting peers who do not AP will at least be in the same book as us if they are not in the same chapter. And this is how parenting can evolve in their family heritage.
And I say this to say that some people need a hard, fast line. Not everyone starts reading parenting books when they are pregnant or when their children are toddlers. Nor is it as simple for them to create an environment that we ourselves would deem to be the optimal level of nurturing. And I would bet some of the best therapists would say that is O.K. Our personality is part of our parenting.
Some people have 7 year olds that are out of hand. Suddenly starting to smooch them more often and be encouraging 10 times a day is probably not going to change a lot of things although that would be part of the change. Habits have been developed and it takes more than just that to see a change. I have read some of the recommended books for AP mothers/fathers and one thing I think they lack concrete examples of how to deal with situations. I don't know that this particular book has concrete examples but it sounds like it might and I think there are lots of people out there who would appreciate that because some people just need to be told what to do....that is possibly because they are a product of their parents and have been raised in such a way. It is my mothers fault that I do not have a role model for a mother because she should have been mine but failed. That is a big fault. I say that because if I fail doing that for my own children I will see it as a personal fault
I don't like the word "fault" though. That may have been a poor choice of word as it does imply the achievement for perfection has been failed and I am a huge picketer of perfect parenting propaganda but I think the term is used loosely in this title.
And Larry's comments aren't impressive and I don't find his style of commenting capturing. But once again, I am saddened by a group of people that I would identify myself with, that they are doing a tit for tat kind of thing here. I just think it is more difficult to be a good person when we practice name-calling. Its never okay. Never.
And as much as Annie might say...."in so many words he says this..." It is in so many words that we often as AP advocates demean other non-AP'ers "in so many words" because its all about how you want to read into it and whether you choose to take it personally.
Speaking of books....ever read The Four Agreements? Check it out.
I took the "You Suck" image to represent the message that Larry is giving parents with his book. (i.e. You suck because your kids are your fault--the parent blaming that Annie is trying to combat.)
FYI - a small portion of the book is available to preview on Google Books:
http://books.google.ca/books?id=LbutGSdSNesC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false
I see it as an insult, because the word "fault" suggests only the bad, not the good. Here is what a dictionary says:
I'm still invoking Godwin's Law, but that was so funny, Backpacking Dad, it was worth reading all there comments, just for that!
or it could mean....your children represent your imperfections. Because a fault does not = you suck.
It takes 80% positive parenting for that type of parenting to be effective (maybe I read that article here on this blog??). Therefore our parenting is directly related to the way our children act.
not sure where you got your dictionary but obsolete is not a good definition. And there are a lot of things that aren't necessarily defined wholly. I recently took a survey and over a period of 3 months and 3 exact surveys I was able to see that there were several situations with my 3 year old that could be changed by parent behavior. hmmm....Interesting that I recognize that. And when I'm not changing parental behavior than I am responsible for my child's failure to: express emotions productively, get along with others.....blah blah blah. It's not a big deal people. There is an underlying thing in your own life if you read: You Suck....and see nothing else.
I've heard the same thing, too. I think it has something to do with people generally becoming more rigid as they get older so they have a hard time accepting the differences in generations. Also, I'm sure there's some selective memory going on whenever someone says, "Back in my day..."
Carrie, the 1st meaning of the word is "lack" and this meaning is obsolete.
I get the author of the blog is only reviewing the press release not the book, but my mother (who didn't need a PHD to be a great parent) kept it simple and said "don't judge a book by it's cover" Funny that so many can be offended by the title or the word "fault". How do you make it each and ever day. Your literal interpretations must paralyze you. I AM... responsible in teaching my children to be polite, not run around in restaurants, treat people with respect, not to bully... to love themselves enough not to care about a bully... and to have a thick skin so that the title of books doesn't offend them personally. If you think this book is trying to guilt and shame you then I do take issue with you... GUILT IS A USELESS EMOTION!, mainly because it is self inflicted. Typically by self knowledge of either not having rectified a situation or by not being willing to. Guess what -(only an example for all the literal interpretations) if you have told your child 3 times to sit down in a restaurant or there will be consequences then you should be shamed... your child already had 2 chances and I am sick of your kid showing my kid it's OK to be naughty and not listen to you. This book gives license to follow through, strong boundaries and understanding that they are learning from you ALL THE TIME. When you are talking to a friend on the phone about someone else... they learn to gossip... etc. It is a book about loving your kids enough to be their leader. The title and press release is designed to get your attention... It's an advertisement people. If you don't like the product because of that then don't buy it!!!! This isn't Russia... but don't "Judge a book by it's cover" if you need a refresher course in life - my mother is available. Again - simple idea - no PHD necessary.
LOL! You know what I find weird about this thread is how hard Larry's supporters are trying to get people who clearly do not and will not agree with his books to change our minds. Uh, no, not gonna happen so you might as well move along. The wonderful thing about the internet is that there is a corner for everyone. This is clearly not Larry's corner.
http://xkcd.com/386/
Awww, I'd love to be called a PhD in Parenting Groupie. In fact, I buy it on a shirt!
Seriously, you all are making me laugh so hard. What a great way to start my week.
No guilt here and I doubt Annie feels any either.
What Annie is responding to, she quite clearly says, is a culture of parent-blame, which in today's society usually means mother-blame. No one is refusing to take personal responsibility.
And no one is "judging a book by it's cover". A blogger is responding to a press release, which was sent to her, in hopes....that she would respond to it.
If the author feels that his press release unfairly characterized his book, he should take that issue up with his publicist.
True, if you don't like the sound of a book, there is no need to read it.
However, if you write about issues in parenting and are sent a press release containing ideas with which you disagree, there us no reason not to respond to the ideas contained in the release.
Olivia... be more confident in your own parenting skills. I am sure you are able to handle the majority of your parenting on your own. Kids are different and even a "PHD" on the internet won't have all the answers for you so maybe save the money on the t-shirt. Try using your own intuition. You are only a reader of his press release. I hope you aren't parenting off pamphlets and ads, but actually taking the time to read more than a page per author. There is some wonderful information between the covers of books too. Now you have me "LOL"-ing! (It is spelled )- laughing out loud!
Fia/Carrie:
Exactly. The image was intended as an interpretation of what Larry is saying to parents with his book. There is a sentence in my post that references it:
So, it seems Meagan got the hard core YOU SUCK AS A PARENT press release for the hardcover book and I got the slightly softened you suck as a parent press release for the paperback book.
Interestingly, I have read parts of Mein Kampf. However, I did judge Hitler and his book before I had even read it. Imagine that. I must be a horrible person.
Here are some alternative parenting books to read:
*Kohn, Alfie, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason
*Fortune-Wood, Jan Without Boundaries: Consent Based, Non Coercive
*Rosenberg, Marshall, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
*Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step
*Rosenberg, Marshall, Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way
*Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
*Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish, Siblings Without Rivalry
*Fitzenreiter, Valerie, The Unprocessed Child: Living without School
*Gordon, Thomas, Parent Effectiveness Training
*Greene, Ross, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children
*Aron, Elaine, The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them
*Holt, John, Learning All the Time
*Holt, John, Escape From Childhood: The Needs and Rights of Children
*Kabat-Zin Jon and Myla, Everyday Blessings: The inner working of the Mindful Parent
*Sweet, Win, Living Joyfully with Children
*Chapman, Ross and Campbell, Ross, The Five Love Languages of Children
*Chapman, Gary, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers
*Falcone, Vicki, Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn’t Drive Carpool
*Aldort, Naomi, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy
*Kream, Rue, Parenting a Free Child: An Unschooled Life
*Liedloff, Jean, The Continuum Concept
*Neufeld, Gordon, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
*Cohen, Lawrence, Playful Parenting
*Coloroso, Barbara, Kids Are Worth It
*Kashtan, Inbal, Parenting from the Heart
*Katie, Byron, Loving What Is
*Kohn, Alfie, Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes
*Martin, William, The Parent's Tao Te Ching
And my all time favorite: Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear by Pam Leo
http://www.amazon.com/Connection-Parenting-Through-Instead-Coercion/dp/1932279172
Select a book which resonates with you. There are many alternatives for peaceful, joy-filled parenting. Most of these are available at your local library or the authors have informative websites to support parents on their journey to move toward a peaceful world through peaceful parenting.
Pat
I couldn't help myself. I peeked at what is on http://books.google.ca/books?id=LbutGSdSNesC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false" rel="nofollow">Google books. For those who think I was wrong to judge a book by its cover, here's a gem from a peek inside:
He also goes on to say that he quotes a lot of statistics, but can't be bothered to footnote them. Interesting. The book "The Nurture Assumption" that I mention in my post is footnoted in detail all the way through. While I don't love everything about that book (her tone is offputting in some cases), at least her information is based in science and not a series of observations and random statistics about how screwed up our society is.
Pat -The title of Larry Winget's book is the only difference from these others. NEVER does it say to yell at your kids, shame or disrespect them or to loose your cool at anytime. In fact it explains when you don't deal peacefully, in a calm voice, firmly with situations and in an adult manner then your children think it is OK to freak out, scream, yell and shame. It is all about raising adults... not raising babies... so his approach is to handle things in a matter of fact logical way - too bad everyone is stopping at the title.