"Don't Judge Me"

There are two phrases I've been hearing a lot of lately. The first is "it is what it is." The other is:

"Don't judge me"

I'm hearing it preemptively, to avoid bad reactions when people say something or write something that they think others might not agree with. I hear it reactively, when people are responding to words that they consider to be an attack. Sometimes those words are on this blog (sometimes mine, sometimes reader comments) and sometimes they are elsewhere.

I think people often assume judgement when none is intended. I've been thinking about this a lot in general and even more since reading this comment by Rochelle [emphasis mine]:

Yes Jessica and others, but again that is YOUR opinion that CIO is disrespectful to the child undermines communication and is in essence abandonment. You DO NOT live in my household, know nothing about me and are NOT raising my child so please state you [sic] opinion but keep you [sic] judgment to yourself...

What is the difference between an opinion and judgement? Is there one? If so, where is the line between the two? I've been trying to figure it out and finally got some words (too many perhaps) down to explain it.

I hesitated about whether to write this post. Then I hesitated over whether to push the publish button. I hesitated because of the wise advice found in this quote: "never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it." (Belgicia Howell, as shared by Amy from The Crunchy Domestic Goddess on her facebook profile).  In other words, if you think I'm judging you, this post will probably not change your mind. If you don't think I'm judging you, then what I'm saying here is selbstverständlich (self-evident).

But I wrote it anyways. Don't judge me.

Opinions

Opinions and the choices that stem from them can take on different forms:

• Opinion as preference: I prefer the colour blue over the colour green. Perhaps you prefer green over blue. I like red wine. Maybe you like white wine. My preference for the colour blue or for red wine isn't based on anything more than my personal taste. Your preference for something different is just that, different. Not better, not worse. Sure we can debate the relative merits of the two until we are blue (or green!) in the face, but there will never be a clear answer.

• Opinion as considered choice: In life, we have to make choices. Some choices are based simply on preferences. But some choices are considered decisions based on an assessment of the pros and cons of both options. Those pros and cons can be scientific. Those pros and cons can be emotional. But it is more than just preference. When we make a considered choice, we have reasons for doing so, reasons that go beyond "just because". Sometimes those reasons are personal reasons. We do it because it is better for us, better for our family, a better fit for our circumstances. In those cases, your considered choice is right for you, but may not be right for someone else. You have not made a superior choice. You have just made the right choice for you. But in other cases, we make considered choices because we feel they are the best choice period. Because we feel that the alternative is wrong or is inferior. Not just for our circumstances, but in general.

• Opinion as dictated by society: Sometimes our opinions about what is right and wrong is dictated by society. Actually, sometimes is perhaps too mild a word. I think frequently or usually is perhaps a better term. We are all a product of our environment. Our values and our habits are formed largely by what we see around us. Our opinion of what is right or wrong isn't based on a considered choice, but on what everyone else does, what everyone else says, or what everyone else approves of.

When your choice impacts others

Sometimes our preferences or our considered choices affect other human beings. As members of society, the way that we act has the ability to impact others in big ways (global warming, racism) and in small ways (person talking on cell phone during a movie, smoker blowing smoke in your face as they pass you on the sidewalk).

As parents, our choices can have a significant impact on our children, especially when they are small (less so as they get older). The helplessness of an infant and a young child makes our opinions about how to care for them that much more contentious. If you think someone is stupid for being a smoker, they may be hurt by that. But if you tell them they are harming their child by smoking during pregnancy, smoking and breastfeeding, smoking in the car, smoking at home, they will probably consider that a lot more hurtful.

So where does judgement come in?

When people say "don't judge me", what they really seem to mean is:

• It is okay for you to make a different choice as long as you don't think your choice is better than my choice.

• It is okay for you to make a different choice as long as you don't try to convince me to make the same choice as you.

For me, that isn't judging. That is debating, disagreeing, discussing, even advocating.  Just because I disagree with your choice, doesn't mean that I think you are a bad person. For me, judging is making an assessment of someone's values or morals or motivations and deciding that they are invalid or inferior.

So, for example, if you tell me that you spanked your child because you were frustrated and at your wit's end and didn't know what else to do, I may think that you made the wrong choice in that moment. But I don't think you are bad person or a bad parent. However, if you tell me that children need to be spanked in order to be shown who is boss, then I will judge you, your values and your motivations. It isn't necessarily entirely your fault that you have that attitude. It may have been passed on to you from your parents or from society as a whole, but I still think it is wrong and I will judge that attitude and the actions that result from it. I will try to advocate for a different way of seeing things or a different way of doing things, but if you are not open to that and are hurt by my judgement, I will have to live with that and so will you.

I judge racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, and I judge negative attitudes about the wholeness and value of children and their self-worth. If I call you on it and you see the error of your ways and make amends, then all is good. But if I call you on it and you dig in your heels and insist that your prejudice is justified, I will judge you.

Not being perfect

No one is perfect. Not as a human being. Not as a parent. I am not perfect. I don't expect you to be perfect.

I am not a vegetarian or a vegan. I have considered becoming one. Maybe one day I will. At the moment, I don't feel like I can be (Dale explains my point of view well here). If I was a "don't judge me" kind of person, I would find a post like Going Vegetarian and Vegan - A Sustainable Choice to be horribly offensive. It explains that socially conscious people should consider veganism because eating animals is a risk to sustainability, a waste of resources, cause of global warming, hazardous to workers, and increases world hunger. But I'm not a "don't judge me" kind of person. I think those are very good points. I understand the damage that is caused by eating meat and animal products. I recognize that I cannot live up to the ideal at the moment. But I won't be offended by someone advocating for this good cause.

Some people are not vegan or vegetarian for the reasons discussed above. Some people are vegan because of food allergies in their family or due to health reasons. People are more likely to understand and accept those reasons for being vegan or vegetarian and are less likely to be offended by them, because they can easily say, "My child doesn't have food allergies, so we don't have to be vegan. They made the right choice for their family and I made the right choice for mine".

When it comes to something like infant feeding (breast or formula), discipline (spanking or punishment versus gentle discipline), sleep (cry it out versus parent to sleep), there are people who say "Do whatever is best for your family. No one way is better than the other". But there are also people who believe, based on considered choice or societal influence, that one way is better than the other. There are some parenting issues where I think each family should do what is best for them. There are other parenting issues where I feel there is a better way to do things and I will advocate for the better way. It doesn't mean I'm judging you if you can't live up to my ideal. In fact, I may not always live up to my ideal (I don't think it is a good idea to scream at children, but I sometimes scream at mine). But I do want to change your mind if you think differently.

Owning our words

I know that I need to be conscious of my privilege. As a white, upper middle class, able-bodied person, who wasn't abused by my parents or any of my partners, a lot of things are easier for me than for others. I am confident and assertive. I believe where there is a will, there is a way. But I also recognize that things are not as easy for everyone else. People who do not have that same privilege or those same personality traits may struggle with things that I don't struggle with. They may be more oppressed or face more barriers than I do.

That is why I often use strong words when attacking societal ills, when attacking the kyriarchy, when attacking ideas that I feel have the ability to push us in the wrong direction. I believe more people will have the opportunity to make good considered choices if more barriers are removed. I do use strong words when someone has upset me or when people are sticking their heads in the sand. Sometimes when playing nice isn't getting you anywhere, you need to add in some shock value. That has risks. It can wake people up and get them to listen. Or it can shut them out even further.

But those are extreme cases. In general, I hope that most of my posts would take on a positive spin, one that will convince people to see things differently or give something new a try. I could have written "Top 5 reasons why being monolingual will leave your child behind", but instead I wrote "Raising bilingual kids: benefits and techniques". I could have written about the "risks of formula" (and many others have and said that I should have too), but instead I wrote about the "scientific benefits of breastfeeding".

I've learned a lot about words from Arwyn from Raising my Boychick. In her post "How else would you have us say it?" she said:

I am responsible for me, including, yes, how and when I present my thoughts, but I cannot be responsible for what another does with them when she receives them.

And:

Is hurt inevitable? Probably. We live in a society that attacks us women who parent at every turn, when it is not shoving us up on inhuman pedestals and demanding inhuman feats of perfection. We live in a society that is constantly hurting us, telling us we are wrong, telling us we are bad, telling us we are broken, and which is remarkably good at making us tell each other and ourselves that. We are highly sensitive to any perceived criticism, and not without good reason. Of course we are likely to encounter a factual statement like “formula is inferior” or “crying-it-out is not good” and internalize it as “I am a bad mother, I am hurting my child”. And of course we’re likely to lash out when we do.

This resonated with me. I hope it resonates with you.

I'm not expecting people to never be offended by anything I say. But I am asking people to respect my right to have an opinion on a topic and not equate it to judging people who have different opinions on that topic. I may think they made bad choices, I may think they could have done things differently, I may think I made a better choice. But it doesn't mean I think they are bad parents or bad human beings.

So when people say "don't judge me" what I really hear is:

I don't want you to try to change my mind, it is what it is, I am resentful of hearing anything that might suggest I am less than perfect, and I think my world is just fine as it is.

If that is the way you feel, this blog may not be the place for you. This blog is about improving ourselves, inspiring change, evolving our culture, chipping away at the kyriarchy, and nudging society in a new direction. That doesn't mean that I will always get it 100% right (I'm not perfect after all), but I will try to push the envelope and challenge the status quo.I do welcome you to challenge my opinion in the comments, but please expect a dialogue and a debate. As for the "don't judge me" requests:

Relax, I'm probably not judging you and if I am, it is for a damn good reason.

 Photo credit: ChazWags on flickr

Comments

[Jocelyn]

Well written! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Private]

I am so tired of hearing...

Do not judge me I want to scream.

It is being used by almost everyone.

WHO WHO WHO
IS TEACHING KIDS THIS?

WHO?

IT MAKES ME I'LL.

just because I have an opinion does not mean I am judging anyone.

Can you find out WHO WHO STARTED THIS SICK SAYING.

IT IS OVERUSED..EVERY DAY.

Crazy

[Private]

I am so tired of hearing...

Do not judge me I want to scream.

It is being used by almost everyone.

WHO WHO WHO
IS TEACHING KIDS THIS?

WHO?

IT MAKES ME I'LL.

just because I have an opinion does not mean I am judging anyone.

Can you find out WHO WHO STARTED THIS SICK SAYING.

IT IS OVERUSED..EVERY DAY.

Crazy