"Don't Judge Me"
Saturday, September 26, 2009 
There are two phrases I've been hearing a lot of lately. The first is "it is what it is." The other is:
"Don't judge me"
I'm hearing it preemptively, to avoid bad reactions when people say something or write something that they think others might not agree with. I hear it reactively, when people are responding to words that they consider to be an attack. Sometimes those words are on this blog (sometimes mine, sometimes reader comments) and sometimes they are elsewhere.
I think people often assume judgement when none is intended. I've been thinking about this a lot in general and even more since reading this comment by Rochelle [emphasis mine]:
Yes Jessica and others, but again that is YOUR opinion that CIO is disrespectful to the child undermines communication and is in essence abandonment. You DO NOT live in my household, know nothing about me and are NOT raising my child so please state you [sic] opinion but keep you [sic] judgment to yourself...
What is the difference between an opinion and judgement? Is there one? If so, where is the line between the two? I've been trying to figure it out and finally got some words (too many perhaps) down to explain it.
I hesitated about whether to write this post. Then I hesitated over whether to push the publish button. I hesitated because of the wise advice found in this quote: "never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it." (Belgicia Howell, as shared by Amy from The Crunchy Domestic Goddess on her facebook profile). In other words, if you think I'm judging you, this post will probably not change your mind. If you don't think I'm judging you, then what I'm saying here is selbstverständlich (self-evident).
But I wrote it anyways. Don't judge me.
Opinions
Opinions and the choices that stem from them can take on different forms:
- Opinion as preference: I prefer the colour blue over the colour green. Perhaps you prefer green over blue. I like red wine. Maybe you like white wine. My preference for the colour blue or for red wine isn't based on anything more than my personal taste. Your preference for something different is just that, different. Not better, not worse. Sure we can debate the relative merits of the two until we are blue (or green!) in the face, but there will never be a clear answer.
- Opinion as considered choice: In life, we have to make choices. Some choices are based simply on preferences. But some choices are considered decisions based on an assessment of the pros and cons of both options. Those pros and cons can be scientific. Those pros and cons can be emotional. But it is more than just preference. When we make a considered choice, we have reasons for doing so, reasons that go beyond "just because". Sometimes those reasons are personal reasons. We do it because it is better for us, better for our family, a better fit for our circumstances. In those cases, your considered choice is right for you, but may not be right for someone else. You have not made a superior choice. You have just made the right choice for you. But in other cases, we make considered choices because we feel they are the best choice period. Because we feel that the alternative is wrong or is inferior. Not just for our circumstances, but in general.
- Opinion as dictated by society: Sometimes our opinions about what is right and wrong is dictated by society. Actually, sometimes is perhaps too mild a word. I think frequently or usually is perhaps a better term. We are all a product of our environment. Our values and our habits are formed largely by what we see around us. Our opinion of what is right or wrong isn't based on a considered choice, but on what everyone else does, what everyone else says, or what everyone else approves of.
When your choice impacts others
Sometimes our preferences or our considered choices affect other human beings. As members of society, the way that we act has the ability to impact others in big ways (global warming, racism) and in small ways (person talking on cell phone during a movie, smoker blowing smoke in your face as they pass you on the sidewalk).
As parents, our choices can have a significant impact on our children, especially when they are small (less so as they get older). The helplessness of an infant and a young child makes our opinions about how to care for them that much more contentious. If you think someone is stupid for being a smoker, they may be hurt by that. But if you tell them they are harming their child by smoking during pregnancy, smoking and breastfeeding, smoking in the car, smoking at home, they will probably consider that a lot more hurtful.
So where does judgement come in?
When people say "don't judge me", what they really seem to mean is:
- It is okay for you to make a different choice as long as you don't think your choice is better than my choice.
- It is okay for you to make a different choice as long as you don't try to convince me to make the same choice as you.
For me, that isn't judging. That is debating, disagreeing, discussing, even advocating. Just because I disagree with your choice, doesn't mean that I think you are a bad person. For me, judging is making an assessment of someone's values or morals or motivations and deciding that they are invalid or inferior.
So, for example, if you tell me that you spanked your child because you were frustrated and at your wit's end and didn't know what else to do, I may think that you made the wrong choice in that moment. But I don't think you are bad person or a bad parent. However, if you tell me that children need to be spanked in order to be shown who is boss, then I will judge you, your values and your motivations. It isn't necessarily entirely your fault that you have that attitude. It may have been passed on to you from your parents or from society as a whole, but I still think it is wrong and I will judge that attitude and the actions that result from it. I will try to advocate for a different way of seeing things or a different way of doing things, but if you are not open to that and are hurt by my judgement, I will have to live with that and so will you.
I judge racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, and I judge negative attitudes about the wholeness and value of children and their self-worth. If I call you on it and you see the error of your ways and make amends, then all is good. But if I call you on it and you dig in your heels and insist that your prejudice is justified, I will judge you.
Not being perfect
No one is perfect. Not as a human being. Not as a parent. I am not perfect. I don't expect you to be perfect.
I am not a vegetarian or a vegan. I have considered becoming one. Maybe one day I will. At the moment, I don't feel like I can be (Dale explains my point of view well here). If I was a "don't judge me" kind of person, I would find a post like Going Vegetarian and Vegan - A Sustainable Choice to be horribly offensive. It explains that socially conscious people should consider veganism because eating animals is a risk to sustainability, a waste of resources, cause of global warming, hazardous to workers, and increases world hunger. But I'm not a "don't judge me" kind of person. I think those are very good points. I understand the damage that is caused by eating meat and animal products. I recognize that I cannot live up to the ideal at the moment. But I won't be offended by someone advocating for this good cause.
Some people are not vegan or vegetarian for the reasons discussed above. Some people are vegan because of food allergies in their family or due to health reasons. People are more likely to understand and accept those reasons for being vegan or vegetarian and are less likely to be offended by them, because they can easily say, "My child doesn't have food allergies, so we don't have to be vegan. They made the right choice for their family and I made the right choice for mine".
When it comes to something like infant feeding (breast or formula), discipline (spanking or punishment versus gentle discipline), sleep (cry it out versus parent to sleep), there are people who say "Do whatever is best for your family. No one way is better than the other". But there are also people who believe, based on considered choice or societal influence, that one way is better than the other. There are some parenting issues where I think each family should do what is best for them. There are other parenting issues where I feel there is a better way to do things and I will advocate for the better way. It doesn't mean I'm judging you if you can't live up to my ideal. In fact, I may not always live up to my ideal (I don't think it is a good idea to scream at children, but I sometimes scream at mine). But I do want to change your mind if you think differently.
Owning our words
I know that I need to be conscious of my privilege. As a white, upper middle class, able-bodied person, who wasn't abused by my parents or any of my partners, a lot of things are easier for me than for others. I am confident and assertive. I believe where there is a will, there is a way. But I also recognize that things are not as easy for everyone else. People who do not have that same privilege or those same personality traits may struggle with things that I don't struggle with. They may be more oppressed or face more barriers than I do.
That is why I often use strong words when attacking societal ills, when attacking the kyriarchy, when attacking ideas that I feel have the ability to push us in the wrong direction. I believe more people will have the opportunity to make good considered choices if more barriers are removed. I do use strong words when someone has upset me or when people are sticking their heads in the sand. Sometimes when playing nice isn't getting you anywhere, you need to add in some shock value. That has risks. It can wake people up and get them to listen. Or it can shut them out even further.
But those are extreme cases. In general, I hope that most of my posts would take on a positive spin, one that will convince people to see things differently or give something new a try. I could have written "Top 5 reasons why being monolingual will leave your child behind", but instead I wrote "Raising bilingual kids: benefits and techniques". I could have written about the "risks of formula" (and many others have and said that I should have too), but instead I wrote about the "scientific benefits of breastfeeding".
I've learned a lot about words from Arwyn from Raising my Boychick. In her post "How else would you have us say it?" she said:
I am responsible for me, including, yes, how and when I present my thoughts, but I cannot be responsible for what another does with them when she receives them.
And:
Is hurt inevitable? Probably. We live in a society that attacks us women who parent at every turn, when it is not shoving us up on inhuman pedestals and demanding inhuman feats of perfection. We live in a society that is constantly hurting us, telling us we are wrong, telling us we are bad, telling us we are broken, and which is remarkably good at making us tell each other and ourselves that. We are highly sensitive to any perceived criticism, and not without good reason. Of course we are likely to encounter a factual statement like “formula is inferior” or “crying-it-out is not good” and internalize it as “I am a bad mother, I am hurting my child”. And of course we’re likely to lash out when we do.
This resonated with me. I hope it resonates with you.
I'm not expecting people to never be offended by anything I say. But I am asking people to respect my right to have an opinion on a topic and not equate it to judging people who have different opinions on that topic. I may think they made bad choices, I may think they could have done things differently, I may think I made a better choice. But it doesn't mean I think they are bad parents or bad human beings.
So when people say "don't judge me" what I really hear is:
I don't want you to try to change my mind, it is what it is, I am resentful of hearing anything that might suggest I am less than perfect, and I think my world is just fine as it is.
If that is the way you feel, this blog may not be the place for you. This blog is about improving ourselves, inspiring change, evolving our culture, chipping away at the kyriarchy, and nudging society in a new direction. That doesn't mean that I will always get it 100% right (I'm not perfect after all), but I will try to push the envelope and challenge the status quo.I do welcome you to challenge my opinion in the comments, but please expect a dialogue and a debate. As for the "don't judge me" requests:
Relax, I'm probably not judging you and if I am, it is for a damn good reason.
Photo credit: ChazWags on flickr
Reader Comments (103)
I've been struggling with this lately. I follow a lot of attachment-parenting-styled moms on Twitter, and I love that. I love hearing all your ideas and thoughts and interacting with all of you. And there are a lot of AP ideas that we've implemented into our parenting, but there are also a few that we haven't because they didn't make sense to us-- for example, co-sleeping and "parenting to sleep."
I consider myself to be fairly confident in my parenting decisions-- I don't question the choices we have made because I know we made them carefully and with lots of thought, and with nothing but love in our hearts. Yet it is still very difficult not to get upset when I see people I otherwise like and enjoy saying things like that CIO causes children to not trust or love their parents, or that not co-sleeping as an infant put our son in danger.
Now, someone simply stating "we co-sleep b/c it's the right choice for us" is different, etc. That is stating an opinion, and I have absolutely no problem with that. It's the "we co-sleep b/c doing otherwise puts kids at risk of SIDS and causes an emotional divide between parent and child blah blah blah" that I have a problem with, b/c the unspoken message (whether intended or not) is "you are harming your children by not doing as I do."
I'm not saying you shouldn't/can't make those kinds of statements, especially if you truly believe them. That's up to you. What I'm saying is don't then be so surprised when someone feels that as judgement and reacts to it. I understand you want to spread information and not offend people at the same time, but I don't think there's any way to tell someone they've caused their children irreversible damage without it coming off as judgement.
@Marcy:
I wonder if it makes a difference if I (you or anyone) talks about the reasons why we chose a certain route rather than talking about the negative consequences of another route. As an example, I was just reading your post http://mightymarce.blogspot.com/2009/11/backwards-on-extended-rear-facing.html" rel="nofollow">life is good: Backwards (on extended rear-facing). I could, theoretically, take most of what you wrote in the post and replace "extended rear facing" with "parental presence bedtime/night wakings" and adjust the choice of links accordingly. In your post, you didn't talk about the dangers of turning a child around early. You talked about the benefits of extended rear facing. Is using positive language about my choices less likely to be construed as judgment than using negative language about someone else's choices? If I had written a post about CIO in the same style as your rear-facing post, would you still feel judged by it or not?
So where do you draw the line? It's never OK to point out that a parenting decision could actually be harmful to a child? Because someone might get offended?
FWIW, co-sleeping is not on the check list of AP. Actually there is no check list. AP is about preserving the bond between parent and child. Which might involve co-sleeping if that is what the child needs. A parent that doesn't co-sleep can still be AP though. However, just as there can be dangers to co-sleeping incorrectly, we can't ignore that there are dangers to solitary crib sleeping too. That's not judgment, it's fact. (I have and do practice both, btw.)
And let's say CIO didn't have lasting effects on a child (I hope not, since so many parents do it). Well, I'd argue it has lasting effects on the parents, and thus the parent-child attachment. I mean, if a parent can ignore a child's cries for X minutes or hours in order to "teach" that child something, what WILL it take for that parent to respond? Are the parents not conditioning themselves to go against their instincts? To me, that is the real reason CIO is at the core anti-AP, despite the fact it is also not on the mythical AP checklist.
I think that IS a key difference, and I forgot to mention that in my comment. I think people are much more open to hearing about other options if it's placed as a suggestion with "these are the benefits to option B" as opposed to "here's what's wrong with that you're doing." It's a much more constructive and respectful discussion.
Andrea,
In my comment I specifically say it's fine to put out your feelings about something. I've done that myself in the past, regarding things like spanking, etc. If you honestly feel that a particular practice is causing harm to someone else, then by all means speak up about it. My point is, don't expect that person to not be offended or feel judged by it. They might still listen to you or even change their mind, but chances are they'll feel somewhat attacked by you saying they're harming their child. That's just the way it is. But, again, that doesn't mean you should keep quiet if you feel strongly enough. (For example, if I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship I'd probably speak to her about it even though she'd likely to ignore me, get mad, or even break off the friendship because of it-- but I would still feel obligated to say something).
And I wasn't trying to make assumptions about any sort of AP "checklist", just using examples of a few things that lots of AP parents that I know tend to do. Co-sleeping seems to be a big one, as so many tend to do it at least in the first year/months after a child is born. I also partially mentioned it since another mom I follow made a comment just the other day about how it's sad parents need to be told that newborns aren't meant to sleep alone, so it was fresh in my mind.
As for CIO causing parents to not respond to their children, parents use different ways to respond in difference scenarios all the time. I may choose to ignore a tantrum, that in no way means I'll ignore him when he cries b/c he hurt himself or simply needs me. For me, using CIO (and the result of him then going to sleep on his own rather than requiring an hours-long tag-team effort every night) meant I was a more rested parent and thus more able to attend to his needs and bond with him more effectively during the day since I was no longer so felt so frustrated or resentful.
Really? That's your argument? People with fewer resources can't AP?
How does that make any sense? Ap methods are some of the most cost-effective, health-based practices available. Nursing confers not only emotional and physical health, but immunological health for the baby and mother, resulting in reduced risk of otitis media, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, bone cancer, diabetes, recovery from gestational diabets, coronary disease...the list goes on.
Co-sleeping means the child does not require a separate crib, mattress, mattress pad, sheet (and for some, crib sleeping comes with the requirement of another room as well).
Extended and exclusive nursing reduces the food budget, as does baby led weaning (e.g. no canned/jarred/boxed baby food and gooey cereals). Again, the health aspect saved money proactively as well.
A simple sling, donated, purchased off ebay or made with spare fabric can save hundreds of dollars since now the baby doesn't need a pack and play, stroller, stroller system, harness etc.
AP has to be the most cost effective parenting method I have ever used. Those with fewer resources should be ALL over this method. So a mom has to work outside the home? Then why the heck is she losing PRECIOUS bonding time by making her child sleep in a crib at night? (And furthermore, if she is saving money by nursing and pumping, children often reverse-cycle and nurse through the night to compensate for having their mom gone all day. So it becomes not just a matter of bonding, but also of dietary health for the child).
Please show me where I said that people with fewer resources can't AP.
Total hijack here (or maybe not-so-much since we've wandered slightly off-topic already). How would that work with breastfeeding if our goal is to normalize breastfeeding in the cultural conversation? "Breast is best" hasn't really lived up to it's potential and I can see people getting upset and feeling judged if I say "Breastfeeding is the biological norm." All I've done is make a factually accurate statement but the recipient of the message then adds their emotional/intellectual load to the mix and it gets a lot more complicated.
I don't see where she said that either. The example she gave was about staying at home with your child.
@Carol: I think the same could be said of many other "choices". I think we should normalize keeping boys intact. I think we should normalize not hitting our children. Yes, people who do not do what is "normal" may feel slighted by that, but perhaps less so than if we say they are evil?
Yabbut, everyone knows the "benefits" of say, breastfeeding, but clearly many, many people ignore them (the old "breast is best but..." argument, because "best" comes off as "unattainable"). Maybe they'd pay more attention if there was more discussion of the RISKS of formula feeding? Yeah, that language tends to get some people upset, but personally, I think that's because they don't want to hear the truth.
Doesn't a tantrum usually mean the child "simply needs" the parent too? I guess that's the difference, an AP parent doesn't pick and choose which feelings to pay attention to (and no, that's not the same thing as "giving in" to a tantrum), or what time of day she will or won't respond.
And actually, I have to agree, it is a bit sad how many new parents don't even consider how it might be a shock for a newborn to go from inside mom to being alone in a different room! I include myself -- until I had kids and someone pointed out this very thing, I never thought of it from the baby's POV either. So, I'm glad there are moms out there speaking their minds, even if they sometimes offend people or get accused of "judging", because I've learned a lot from them.
With breastfeeding, I think pointing out and breaking down the obstacles that women face when trying to breastfeed is even more important than talking about either benefits or risks. About 90 - 95% of women want to breastfeed, but a much smaller portion are successful. We need to figure out what keeps them from being successful and work on those issues.
I've written about this before in these posts:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/09/10/societal-barriers-to-breastfeeding/
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/07/19/can-breastfeeding-promotion-learn-something-from-drunk-driving-ads/
Georgia, you have my empathy - I, too, have suffered the the opinions and judgments of others who don't share my parenting style. Although I have not lost any friends over it, I came very close to losing my sister. Things have not been the same between us, which hurts because we have always been very close and I always thought of her as a best friend. But how can I stay friends with someone who tells me that I am f*$@ing up my child because I acknowledge his feelings, and that he'll never be "normal" if I don't feed him MacDonalds? She doesn't criticize me to my face too much any more in order to keep the peace around the family, but she frequently lets little snipets slip, and I always feel her silent disapproval. You are lucky to have these kinds of people out of you life for good, disappointing and hurtful as it is.
Just want to add something to respond to your (and Dale's) justification for not going vegetarian:
I hugely respect the commitment to vegan- and vegetarianism, however, there is much good evidence out there that it is *NOT* actually the best choice health-wise. I used to think it was a health benefit no-brainer to be a vegetarian, but then read books like Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon, Nutrition and Physical Degeneration by Dr. Price, Real Food by Nina Planck and many others you will find if you delve into this pot of knowledge.
Dr. Price was a dentist who early on in the last century, travelled around the world to find groups of people untouched by civilization. He found many in perfect health, with perfect teeth despite never brushing them - and they all ate animal products. He was unable to find any traditional peoples following a vegan diet. He found some vegetarians that however ensured that women of childbearing age supplemented with animal products. A basic conclusion he formed was that humans are unable to reproduce without animal products - some components, particularly amino acids, and B vitamins, are only present in animal products. I won't go into it any further, you can look up the sources above for yourself if interested.
http://www.amazon.com/Real-Food-What-Eat-Why/dp/1596911441
I think for me the biggest health problem with vegetarianism is that you end up eating a lot of processed food - Boca Burgers? Quorn? - and playing right into the huge industrial conglomerates' hands from the other side. Food that requires heat and pressures only found in huge factories can't possibly be good for you for too long - it is not natural. Processed food is probably the biggest threat to our health. Also see The Whole Soy Story by Kaayla Daniel. Soy is not good for you unless it's traditionally fermented like tempeh, miso, or tamari.
I would suspect the environmental argument gets complicated too once you factor in the energy used by these manufacturers, the fertilizers required for the giant swaths of corn and soy monoculture. For some of us in the more northern locations, raising animals is less energy intensive than trying to grow vegetables and fruit.
I do try to eat less meat, and when I eat meat I try to eat ethically raised. I also try to eat less steak and get my animal products from the less desirable bits - lots of broth from bones, or old hens that have finished their egg laying lives, for example. I have subscribed to the vegetarian argument before, but having learned more about these issues, can't do so anymore, not fully. I am far from understanding all this completely, but I suspect that as with any complex issue, balance will be the key.
Annie, this is one of my favorite posts of yours. I recently referred to it in my post adding to other phrases: "agree to disagree" and "I'm entitled to my opinion." You were no doubt more eloquent!
http://www.babydustdiaries.com/2010/02/you-are-not-entitled-to-your-opinion-i.html
Like the bumpersticker on the back of my RV/home says, "If you haven't changed your mind lately~How can you be sure you still have one?" It's not about judging it's about opening up our minds to considering thinking, doing, being in a new or different way. Some day they will figure it out~we hope!!
I love you more today than yesterday.
This is perfectly said. I could have written this word for word. Thank you!
Thank you for this. It tied up some frayed feelings I have been having lately about advocacy. I was recently told, by someone very close and important to me, that I was "pushy" and it might make people not "like" me and that my passionate topics caused people to "shut down" because my opinions make other people "feel bad about their choices". I have never told anyone that their choice was wrong. I am open about my choices and why I have chosen them. Apparently, this has been taken as an attack on other people's choices. ??? Will I find myself offering up a disclaimer before discussing a topic like I feel I have to do before discussing Breastfeeding? " No offense to you who do different, this is not meant to attack you." In reality, it is I who feels shut down these days as though I am not allowed to talk about what I feel passionate about without offending others.
Hi WOW does this sound familiar. Much appreciate the nudge of society in a better direction and your well spoken words to that affect. HOWEVER, most times try to remember you get more bees with HONEY than VINEGAR. Keep in mind also that if you get betwixed a bear and her cubs it most likely wont be pretty.
I really love this post. I shared it on FB.
I hate how dialog (particularly between mothers) gets watered down into meaningless validation, where no one manages to say anything for fear of offending someone else.
There is another flavor of 'don't judge me' that means 'I did the best I could (damn it)' Every mother is, rightfully, the only one fit to judge whether or not she could have done better with her available resources. But even here, the onus for not taking a comment personally (where there is no obvious insult) belongs to the receiving end. *She* is the only one fit to judge, so how can the speaker possibly tailor the opinions to *her* experiences? That's her responsibility.
'I don't want to talk about this' is less dysfunctional than 'don't judge me' and within a respectful dialog, accomplishes the same goal.
Well, I suppose one also has to consider why one even cares about being judged. I don't really care if you judge me and find me wanting. Why? Because I don't know you; you don't know me. Why should I care what you think about my choices? Should someone take the time to explain why their baby drinks formula--just to try to satisfy you? Or why they CIO? Or whatever it is they do that you disagree with? Only if they are insecure in their decisions and actually care what you think. If I truly believe that my choice is right (for me or in general), then I won't internalize your judgement. Or I might just judge you back.
As a corollary, why are some people so invested in the choices of others, many of whom they don't even know? Why would someone take it upon themselves to voice judgement or "disagreement" with the choice of a mom to formula feed or CIO or whatever when they don't even know the other person? It doesn't affect you. It's none of your business.
There are objective facts. (Breastmilk is nutritionally superior to formula.) And there are value judgements. (Parents who formula-feed are inferior to those who breastmilk-feed.) Big difference. I can be friends with the someone who says the former because, well, it's true. I probably won't be friends with someone who says the latter because, well, that person is a closed-minded jerk.
Exactly.
[...] “Don’t Judge Me” at PhD in Parenting [...]
Was just talking about this very thing the other day! Thanks for writing about it!!
[...] Don’t Judge Me Contact Me chbirthdoula@gmail.com (309) 531-3309 Follow Me [...]
[...] at PhD in Parenting had a post last year that I really like entitled Don’t Judge Me. She talks about the phrases “don’t judge me” and “it is what it [...]
Thank you for this excellent post. It is an on-going process for me to understand how to speak my mind and heart clearly about gentle, natural parenting while I am aware of the variety of experience around me, etc etc. These are great words to share!
Recently I wrote the following on my own blog.
http://bhaktibirth.wordpress.com/2010/07/15/language-choices-the-birthparenting-community/#comment-18
blessings,
Ursula
You might enjoy reading the following post from my blog re: feeding choices
http://minimalistmum.blogspot.com/2010/07/breast-is-best-please-turn-on-sense-of.html
Jamie wrote "I hate how dialog (particularly between mothers) gets watered down into meaningless validation, where no one manages to say anything for fear of offending someone else." I have a collection of those kinds of validations: http://sandradodd.com/support
In my experience with online homeschooling discussions, someone will go where they think "experts" or "good moms" are, and they'll ask a question or describe a situation that's bothering them. Some of them really do want suggestions. Some want to be patted and stroked and "validated." If they get "Good job!" or anything like that then they don't say "you judged me." They accept it as truth (no matter how insipid and misguided it might be). If the response isn't 100% mushy and soothing, if they get the slightest whiff of "Well, don't you think it might be a problem..." some of them will go OFF on the very people they came to in the first place.
It's unfortunate. Luckily, some of them figure out that they're doing that.
I think "don't judge me" is an acknowledgment that they consider the other person's judgment valid, at least in a small way.
Oh Annie, you have hit the nail on the head, yet again!!! Just got into a fight with one of my oldest friends in the whole world because she just can't take it that I am judging her when I post about why breastfeeding is best, and why I despise formula. (And I do despise formula, but not the women who need to or choose to use it.) I have never said one negative thing to her or about her. Wow, people and their insecurities...
I do not think any other blog/commentary has ever resonated with me as much as this one. Thank you for sharing it.
Hmm....
Your opinion is fine as long as you keep it to yourself or it is asked for. Your unsolicited opinion is a judgement as you feel the need to express it without invitation.
So, by inviting comments on your piece, you are soliciting my personal opinion of what you have written, that being "I think you think too much!"
[...] take me more than an hour or two to write (e.g. Oh those technology obsessed neglectful parents or Don’t judge me or Grin and bear it? Parenting, happiness and the pressure cooker). Research-based posts that are [...]
[...] I do. Sometimes. It shifts and moves a bit, but it is there. However, my line is not necessarily the same as your line and this is what I’m struggling with right now. I believe there is value in discussing what works and what doesn’t work, what is beneficial and what is detrimental, what is valuable and what is useless. When we do that, however, it is almost always accompanied by cries of “don’t judge me.” [...]
I really love this...on my FB page, I often CELEBRATE breastfeeding, homebirth, AP and all that good stuff people take it as an attack on them. It's annoying!
I just found your site, and I really like it. This issue has been driving me crazy on parenting blogs, and I love your take on it. I can't stand the attitude that asserts that all parenting decisions are equal, and I won't back down in trying to advocate for what I believe in. I like to believe that I'm never rude online. I certainly hope I'm not. I will, however, challenge what appears to me to be wrong in our society.
Annie, this is brilliant and I think I might love you a little bit!!
I have recently started following your blog and I love it. Your posts are well-written and thoughtprovoking. This post has given me much to think about. Thanks for hitting the publish button.
your blogs are fantastic. I haven't disagreed with anything I've read here, thus far. You are very insightful and present your ideas creatively. This was very helpful for me as I am doing a "talk" on exactly these things, dealing with the feelings of being a "bad" mom and being judged as one. Thx.
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[...] love mommy blogger PhD in Parenting’s common sense yet sensitive take on the common reaction, “Don’t Judge Me!” I definitely recommend reading [...]
Well written and thank you for posting.
[...] and a bad mother are almost always horribly marginalizing. People line up to point fingers, pass judgment and give unsolicited advice. The rejection of the Good Mother in some parenting circles is a [...]
[...] For some reason, it made me think about this post by Annie of PhD in Parenting on parental judgment in general: “Don’t Judge Me”. [...]
Brilliant!
[...] stop. Again, this is a VERY popular thing to say. Many mothers get all excited when we start talking about judging- maybe it justifies decisions so that they do not have to think about them. I am not [...]