When to give up on breastfeeding

I read a post the other day that upset me. It was the first of many things that upset me that day and I don't seem to be able to let go. In the past, I've turned comments that upset me into posts (like Birth Plan: Yes or No? and Lactivism and the Homelessness Problem), so I thought perhaps the best way to get past what bothered me so much about this post was to write about it.

A woman wrote an honest first person account of her difficulties with her attempt to breastfeed her baby. Her story is sad. She had significant difficulties breastfeeding. She got questionable advice. She had people judging her instead of helping her. In short, the cards were stacked against her and she was set up for failure. I don't blame her. This happens to a lot of women and it is unfortunate. I can't say for sure if she would have been able to breastfeed successfully if things had been different and even if she could have, hindsight is 20/20 and there is no point in rehashing that now. So while I was saddened by her story, I don't judge her (or anyone) for choosing formula if they feel that they cannot breastfeed for whatever reason.

That said, I think that any mom who does want to breastfeed should be encouraged to do so. I know that many moms have difficulty with breastfeeding at the start, but that they overcome those difficulties with time and with the right type of support. With that in mind, let me share with you what she said that upset me so much. She said that she had bottle fed formula and pumped for five weeks and that she feels after two weeks if breastfeeding isn't working for a mother, she needs to just bottle feed formula. This really upset me.

I ended up leaving a long comment there, but I'm not sure if my point got across and I also wanted to collect a bit of data to ensure I wasn't off base for thinking what I did. So I put up a poll on my blog and asked moms to tell me if they had a rough start breastfeeding and if it was resolved by the 2 week period. Here are the results (265 people voted):

Question: Did you have a rough start with breastfeeding?

• No, it was easy - 27%
  


• Yes, but by the 2 week mark everything was going smoothly - 21%


• Yes, and it took more than 2 weeks to get all of our problems worked out - 41%


• Yes, and I ended up exclusively pumping - 3%


• Yes, and I switched to formula at or before the 2 week mark - 3%


• Yes, and I switched to formula after the 2 week mark - 2%

Let's do some math. According to these results, 46% of women that did go on to have a successful breastfeeding relationship were still struggling at 2 weeks postpartum.  If they are like me and hundreds of other women whose stories I have read, they would probably say that breastfeeding really wasn't working for them at 2 weeks. So what would the consequence be if all of these women followed this woman's advice and switched to formula at 2 weeks?

In Canada, almost 86% of women that do initiate breastfeeding end up breastfeeding beyond 2 weeks.  In fact, almost 50% of them make it to 6 months and 9% end up going on for more than a year (source Statistics Canada 2003 data).  Based on the data in my poll, if everyone that was having trouble breastfeeding gave up at 2 weeks, 46% would continue breastfeeding past 2 weeks, 27% would be breastfeeding at 6 months, and 5% would be breastfeeding at a year. What would the consequences of this be? Essentially, the well documented health benefits of breastfeeding for moms and babies would be cut almost in half. We would see more babies and children getting sick. We would see more mothers dying of breast cancer (I did the math on this in Save Yourself, Save our Health Care System).


To use an analogy, a lot of mothers have trouble giving birth vaginally and in Canada 1 in 4 babies are delivered by c-section (it is even higher in the United States). A lot of moms go into their first birth experience expecting to deliver vaginally, they may labour for a really long time, struggle a lot, go through a lot of pain and then ultimately end up with a c-section. Maybe that c-section was necessary in the end. Maybe that c-section happened as a result of unnecessary interventions. Either way, the mom is sure to be upset that she didn't have the birth experience that she wanted and may feel that she should have given up on trying to deliver vaginally earlier because that would have saved her from a lot of unnecessary pain, effort, and emotional trauma. Maybe she decides that about 4 hours of active labour is how much effort she should have given before giving up. If that is her choice, that is fine. But if she starts convincing other mothers that they should give up on having a vaginal birth after 4 hours of active labour, we would see the c-section rate soar astronomically, with significant costs to our health care system and increased risks to moms and babies.

That would be unfortunate and ridiculous.

A lot of moms struggle with breastfeeding. In addition to my story, you can read the stories of Lindsay, Maria, Dani, Katrina, Beth, Tara, Christina and many others that replied to my poll. You can go to message boards like the kellymom message boards and scour the newborn forum to see how many moms times how many different problems are possible. It is normal for it to be difficult, but with the right type of support most moms can overcome those difficulties.

Máire Clements, a lactation consultant and reader of my blog, left a comment outlining her concerns with the alarming percentage of mothers that struggle with breastfeeding. Here is part of what she had to say:

The tug of war seems to be between those who insist on the baby doing it naturally no matter what that looks or feels like, and the experts micro-managing the process by emphasizing the use of gadgets and measurements to assess whether breastfeeding is successful.

What is often lost in the flurry of maternal hormones and well meaning encouragement from family and friends is the awareness that a positive breastfeeding experience will not always happen on automatic pilot.

It is a skill that needs to be learned, preferably not through painful trial and error...

We must shift our attention back to helping mothers achieve a quality connection which is pain-free and transfers ample milk to their babies. It is through consistency in the latch-on that feedings can become optimized and many problems can be avoided or resolved.

The mother is the thinking partner and her baby feeding well drives the breastfeeding system and milk supply.

From my own experience and from reading the stories of many mothers, the problem is that a lot of well meaning health care professionals or friends with insufficient training in lactation will tell mothers things or suggest things that are detrimental to the breastfeeding relationship. If that was not bad enough, actual lactation experts and advocates often use language that is hurtful to moms that are trying really hard and that can turn them off of breastfeeding. They will say things like "every mom can breastfeed" or "if it hurts, it must be your latch". Even if those things are mostly true, lactation professionals need to choose their words carefully so that they don't place blame on the mother or make her feel inadequate. Like Máire said above, the mother is a thinking partner.

If a mom is struggling with breastfeeding, please don't tell her to quit at two weeks if it isn't working out for her. Instead, tell her that you know how hard it is. Tell her that you are proud of her for trying so hard. Tell her that it is her choice whether to continue or not and that you fully support her no matter what her decision is and that she is a great mother no matter what decision she makes. Read up about what it really means to support a breastfeeding mother. Give her a hug. Let her cry. Then let her heart guide her about when or if to give up.

I sympathize with the woman that wrote the original post and I know her heart is in the right place when she tells people they should give up at 2 weeks, but I don't think she realizes that she is undermining them if they do want to continue and that recommendations like this can have disastrous results for breastfeeding rates and subsequently for our healthcare system.

Thank you to everyone that took the time to vote in the poll and to these kind people who took the time to share their stories in the comments: bessie.viola, strwberryjoy, Jennifer, Amanda, Carla (MamaHeartsBaby), Anna, Fi, Shannon, Cynthia, Rhyah, Emily Jones, lifeafterjasper, TopHat, Tyla, Kelly, April ~ EnchantedDandelions, Tiffany, Brenda, Jennifer, Amber, Anisa, Tracy, Noble Savage, Ailie, joyce, Karen Angstadt, Tara @ Feels like home, Jessica, Judy - Mommy News Blog, Carrie, Brandy Tanner, diana, IrinaK, Carrie (a different Carrie), Paige, Lindsey, Bonnie, Sarah V., Alicja, Maria, Kimberly, Maria, Renee, Michele, Máire Clements, Samantha, Lindsay, Ashley and Melodie.

Comments

[phdinparenting]

@ Kelly

Thank you for your heartfelt comment. In response to your request, let me be the first to say that I struggled for so long because succeeding at breastfeeding was important to me, to my identity as a mother, to my self-esteem and my sense of accomplishment. If I had felt, at any point, that it would have been better for my frame of mind or mental health to stop, than it would have been to continue, then I would not have hesitated to stop. I cried, I struggled, I was in pain, and I felt significant frustration. However, all of that pales in comparison to the anguish I would have felt if I had given up, because this was something that was very important to me.

That said, having a happy well-adjusted mother is the most important thing for a child and provides many more benefits than breastfeeding can. If a mom is not happy breastfeeding, she certainly needs to weigh her options. But it isn't up to me or anyone else to make a blanket statement that she should quit or that she should continue. She needs to make that decision herself.

[Sara]

I often tell moms that it gets easier around the 3 week-6 week mark for most moms, and that they are ALMOST there. That if they really need a break, there are ways that they can do it that won't cause more problems for them... And that I admire them tremendously for all the effort that they've put into it, and that those early days can be hellish.. Then I ask them if they can find support in their lives to make it easier. I tell them that if they need to quit because they're at a breaking point, that there may be things that can be done to help them ease off from the breaking point and buy them some breathing room. But that if they truly need to quit and are up against the wall and feel like nothing is going to help and that they're going to break... To do it. Without feeling guilt. Because many moms give up far before they reach that point, and that they've been strong and tried really hard, and that there is no shame in quitting when you're at that point. If you're running a marathon and start feeling weak and dizzy and nothing helps, quitting saves you. Breastfeeding is the same. If nothing helps, and you just can't do it anymore, quitting saves you.

[Monica]

Breastfeeding was a big priority for me so I persevered through the initial struggle. All of this discussion makes me think there is a lot of confusion about breastfeeding in our culture. The presence of easily accessible alternatives in the west also does not help to create a solid breastfeeding culture. We all have a choice and for this we are blessed, but I too want to address the problem of some false BF beliefs that impact new moms in a vulnerable time. I also wrote about the issue of "insufficient milk" after reading these articles because I wonder why we as moms are not questioning this issue more deeply, instead of debating over our choices?

[Kristy]

I have to say, that I am with Family Nature on being very puzzled as to what it is that has caused such a commotion. I do not feel that Annie has put anyone down, or in any way said that mothers MUST try longer to breastfeed, or that it is somehow superior. I believe that her message is a simple and two-fold: Do not let anyone discourage you from trying if you want to keep trying, and do not tell other mothers that they should stop trying just because it's what was right for you. We are all different. We will all find ourselves in different situations. What is best for one woman is not best for all women.

I appreciate that the issue of breastfeeding is a very passionate one for so many mothers, but I have to say that I am really disappointed over the way that moms have been jumping all over each other on the internet this past week. I appreciate that the comments here have remained positive, supportive and civilized - definitely a reflection of the original post!

Thank you, Annie. I will definitely be bookmarking this site for future reading :)

[Nicole]

I'm so glad I did not give up on breastfeeding after weeks of difficulty. My daughter could not breastfeed because she needed time to regain her strength after being in the NICU. I found a wonderful website: biologicalnurturing.com that helped us figure out a method that worked.

[Nicole]

Biologicalnurturing.com really helped me to be able to breastfeed after weeks of struggles.

[Rafael]

My wife and I had a similar experience. We did give up, and when I wrote about it, I realized that women who choose formula don't deserve to be judged or criticized. I didn't realize fully enough that women who breastfeed are also in need of support. It was an interesting conversation and dialogue. If you don't mind the refer, the original post is here:
http://blogs.trb.com/features/family/parenting/blog/2009/02/defying_the_breast_milk_mafia.html

[Is it Wrong to Openly Support]

[...] Enjoy, and subscribe here!I’ve been completely enjoying the commenting on a recent post at PhDInParenting entitled “When to Give Up on Breastfeeding.” In her post, PhD explains her dismay at a [...]

[Hope (of hippie dippie bébé)]

What I think cuts to the heart of the banter here is the use of the word "support" and the different meanings that are equated with it. It's a big topic in mothering and mommy-blogging, of course!

I can say that for myself, I do not equate the idea of being supportive with avoiding value judgements entirely. As mothers, especially educated mothers and bloggers, when we present our opinions, I believe the presumption is that we do so out of a combination of our personal values and our informed research. The understanding is that not everyone shares our values, our limitations, or our strengths. What works for one mom doesn't necessarily work for another!

But if we go to extremes in that regard -- essentially saying, "Whatever way you do things, honey, that's ultimately the best thing that you possibly could have done and I support it wholeheartedly because I support all moms." -- I think we undermine our ability to truly help eachother.

When I wrote earlier about http://www.hippiedippiebebe.com/development/growth-charts-breastfeeding/" rel="nofollow">breastfeeding growth charts one of points I tried to make is that the WHO charts are based on optimal growth for babies, because according to international health experts, breastfeeding is the optimal feeding choice. Period.

That doesn't mean bottle feeding is wrong, or that it's not entirely possible to love, nurture and care for a bright, well-developed child with bottle feeding! But, though we do need to be respectful of others feelings and clarify our message, I believe that it’s crucial that we don’t back away from the most important aspects of what we are trying to deliver. By diluting that message, I think we do everyone, babies, moms, heck our entire human populace, a disservice.

Having written this, I have to say that I do personally do my best to be respectful of others feelings and needs. At the same time, I think it's important that we do not confuse our desire to support each other with our desire to speak our personal truths.

I just wrote an entire post on this topic on my blog but wanted to add a quick excerpt here too! Such a thought-provoking conversation! Thanks so much Annie (that's you, PhD mama?) for the thought-provoking post and thanks everyone for the extremely intelligent discussion!

[Noble Savage]

I just wanted to commend Annie for an excellent post and all the commenters here for their thoughtful insights. Kelly, I particularly appreciated your honesty about why it makes you bristle and what internal challenges you struggle with as a mom who wanted to breastfeed but for whom it didn't work out. I wish you success in your second venture! :)

[Kelly]

I enjoy reading this blog for posts like this. And the comments have been so very constructive and, I believe, supportive. It helps when we recognize that we put our own gloss on to what we read. It takes effort, but often it is worth it to "assume positive intent."

[Miss Misery, and Down With the]

[...] lastly, here’s a viewpoint from someone I briefly tweeted with regarding that first article. This post is not about... (pro, of [...]

[What gives you the right? | Ph]

[...] directions and I was busy with work, family and keeping up with comments on my other post on when to quit breastfeeding, so I didn’t have a chance to continue the conversation there. But I keep mulling it over and [...]

[Samantha]

I think the main thing about this is putting any kind of time limit on it at all. How can you say "if you are still having problems at two weeks, at three weeks, at six, at two months...?" I mean, the focus should be on the problem(s) itself and not the length of time as an arbitrary number. And anyway, it is not as though once you get past a certain time that no new problems will emerge. For me, my biggest challenge came at around 8weeks when my daughter first slept "through the night" for about 8 hours. In a few days, my milk supply all but dried up in the late afternoons. Luckily, I read that the solution was to just keep feeding her over and over again to build it back up. I sat down in my husband's recliner and fed her every hour on the hour just about it from 4 pm until 11 pm. The next night my supply wasn't as quick to run out and the next night it was even better. After about a week there was no longer a supply problem. Anyway, the point being, just because it has been longer than two weeks does not mean anyone should give up arbitrarily. The particular problem or problems themselves should be the determining factor, not some time limit.

[TheFeministBreeder]

I am very, very lucky that I had such helpful and supportive blog-readers giving me advice when I thought I was having trouble the second time around. I was super-committed to it, but when the doctors started getting antsy over my 10 lb baby not getting back to his birth weight by 10 days postpartum, and started pushing the formula, I really REALLY needed help to keep going. Thankfully all my cyber-friends posted incredibly helpful information and led me to articles that proved to me that my baby's weight was just fine. We pushed through, and I now have a 24 lb 10 month old.... no formula necessary.

I listened to a woman like Colleen after my 1st son was born though, and that turned out very differently. We gave up bf-ing, and I felt like total failure. I wish someone had urged me to keep going; to seek help.

[KC]

When Kelly replied,
"What I’d like to see is some acknowledgment that for the women who struggled for so long that they did so because succeeding at breastfeeding was important to them, to their identify as mothers, to their self-esteem and sense of accomplishment. It wasn’t just so that their babies would receive breastmilk."

I just was momentarily transported back 7 years to when I struggled to breastfeed my firstborn daughter. I had everything go wrong - poor latch, cracked nipples, mastitis, undetected thrush, low milk supply. Breastfeeding meant everything to me for the reasons Kelly stated. I couldn't even begin to comprehend why I was given a baby I couldn't feed with my body. I visited IBCLCs,a suck/swallowing specialist, La Leche League, scoured kellymom, and Jack Newman's site for any shred of advice. I pumped, used finger feeding, SNS, I poured my heart out to the mothers on two attachment parenting message boards. I was the first woman in 2 generations on both sides to breastfeed.

I remember being terrified to change her diapers, afraid I'd find the uric acid crystals (the "red brick" dust), and when I did, I was devastated. I could not believe my body let me down and could have starved my baby. But I would not give up.

I had read once on a breastfeeding support website board that mother's milk was like liquid gold, and even if I could only provide one teaspoon of it a day to my baby, it would still do my baby some good. While it would not make my baby grow, it would still provide valuable antibodies, just in a concentrated way. I clung to that idea. I was able to keep my baby to the breast for 4 months, and I pumped for 2 more. Some days I only brought home about 3 ounces of milk a day when I pumped at work, but I faithfully brought that home. As little as that was, it was something I could give her. No matter how much formula I had to give her, I still gave everything I could.

With my second child, things were better (and I once read a study that said you produce 33% more milk with each subsquent baby, but I can't find the reference), but not much. I lasted 7 months on the breast with that daughter, but had to give it up when pumping at work was becoming a problem for my boss (also a woman).

With my third child (who was conceived on the day my husband had a vasectomy scheduled but that got canceled - she was truly an unexpected joy) I had problems again. I was tired, bone tired, but at least I was a stay at home mom. I was tired of the struggle, tired of the devastating feelings of inadequacy with breastfeeding. At two weeks, I was planning on giving up and started supplementing more. At three weeks, I read something inspirational (don't remember what now) and changed my mind. I dug in my heels and decided I was going to make it work. My goal was to make it to a year, though I thought in the back of my mind I could always give it up if I wanted to. This time I tried herbs with very little success (even domperidone didn't help that much). I read Mother Food: A Breastfeeding Diet Guide with Lactogenic Foods and Herbs. I made barley water and ate tons of oatmeal. I drank one India Pale Ale every afternoon. I made sure I slept. I pumped after every feeding. I gave myself permission to quit, if I felt like it. But I didn't. Something kept driving me forward.

Because I stayed at home, I could keep my daughter to the breast any time I wanted. By then I had a nice reclining couch, and was on it most of the day with my baby. I had bought a Maya wrap sling and used that to NIP everywhere I went (even the County Fair and NIPed while watching the piglets nurse). One great thing by doing all this was that I did manage to almost exclusively give breastmilk. It wasn't until about 10 months that I introduced solids.

There were a few very nervous weight checks, but my daughter was doing all right. When I got to 11 months, I rejoiced, but I planned on hanging up the horns. I returned the pump and let nature take it's course. I figured, if I was going to dry up, I could eke out a few more weeks and then by 12 months it would be over. I stopped the herbs and the domperidone. I waited. I was ready to let go. At 12 months, she was on 2 meals of solids a day. I figured if I needed to supplement, it would be with cow's milk, not formula.

And something amazing happened. 12 months came and went and I didn't dry up. My daughter not only didn't stop nursing, but she nursed even more. She wanted no part of cow's milk either (I really did try). So I continued to nurse her as long as she wanted, free of the worries about weight checks. I still waited for my milk to dry up. At 13 months, I started to realize she gulped and choked at times. I was shocked. I do not know where the milk came from. I realized then that it was nursing as it was meant to be, blissful and care-free. I cried - I reached not only reached the goal I set out for myself, I reached the place where it actually worked as nature intended.

At that moment, I realized I wasn't going to stop until she stopped. I breastfed on cue until she was mostly ready to give it up. I kept telling my husband I'd wean next month. My daughter weaned when she was 3 years, 1 month old. It was a remarkable thing for me and I'm so glad I didn't give up at 2 weeks. What I would have missed.

I would never, ever in a million years tell another woman to give up. I would however tell her to do what her heart told her she had to do and I would support her either way. And I have (my SIL and my younger sister had breastfed their babies - my SIL gave it 2 months, my sister made it to 11 months).

[phdinparenting]

@KC - Thank you for sharing your story and for so eloquently validating the point I was trying to make.

[jill]

Just found your blog -- thanks for this post. I had trouble with my first son for three months, and it ended up being out first tip off that he had a problem digesting dairy.

My friend and I just started a parenting blog and I am doing a series of articles on things people don't tell you about early breastfeeding. I have so many people who have said, "If only I knew how important latch was" or "If only I had understood what was happening during that growth spurt, I wouldn't have lost my milk supply" or "I would have nursed my first child longer if I had figured out I had overactive let down." that I've felt a need to get the information out there somewhere . . .

[Sabotage | PhD in Parenting]

[...] will be too easy to give up.  When you are feeling desperate is not the best time to make an important decision like this. And yes, just one bottle can [...]

[Why I blog about breastfeeding]

[...] I know how damn hard it can be to breastfeed (see my story and the stories of many many others referenced in this post) [...]

[My breastfeeding story (and th]

[...] was a comment left on Ph.D. In Parenting’s blog post about when to give up on breastfeeding. Kelly commented, What I’d like to see is some acknowledgment that for the women who struggled [...]

[jocelyn]

Hi there - great post. I appreciate your use of data and careful thought. I can't help but think of my sister who struggled so much with breastfeeding with her second after feeling that a "boob nazi" ruined the experience with her first.
With her second, she had a high-need toddler with some health and behavioural issues, a more than full-time working husband, and a very large, very hungry newborn. Mastering many of the other parenting issues with ease (having ninja skills in getting babies to sleep), she gave up discouraged and demoralized when she couldn't figure out how to get her older child to leave her alone with her younger guy so they could have half a chance to learn how to nurse, together.
I wonder how much of this difficulty is also a lack of support in the early days with a new baby to give a mom the time she needs with just she and the little one to figure it all out. I know I wish that we had been more able to give my sister the time she needed with her second.

[phdinparenting]

@jocelyn

Thanks for the comment. Lack of support in the early days, both from family and friends, as well as knowledgeable health professionals, is certainly a problem. With regards to the term "boob nazi", I'd love if you'd give my post http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/05/07/breastfeeding-nazis/" rel="nofollow">Breastfeeding Nazis a read.

[Let me provoke you…and b]

[...] women be successful at breastfeeding and will stare down people that stand in their way. Like in when to give up on breastfeeding or what gives you the right? Or posts like sabotage or a slap in the boobs by Dr. Sears. It means I [...]

[Tory Ann]

You need to understand that was just one persons views, and this is just your views. How many people took your poll. Where was it posted and what demographic of mothers took this poll? I've been unsuccessful in breastfeeding for three months now. only about 40% of her diet is milk. I pump on all my breaks and rarely have time to eat or even pee at work. Often times I have to chose between a shower when she naps or pumping. Clean or pump, Sleep or pump, exercise or pump, anything or pump. I'm miserable and all daddy does is through health percentages at me. My nipples still crack and bleed and my daughter only latches in the morning when shes half asleep. Also it takes time away from her when I pump on time and She hates the whole thing anyways. At two weeks it was just as hard as it is today! I think we would all be happier on formula but then I'm a bad mom right?
So why are you so mad about a post? It wasn't a scientific article. I think you have to much time on your hands if your so easily distraught. Not every one is you, and I wish I had stopped when I wanted to. However if I had another child I would at least try again every situation is unique.

[phdinparenting]

@Tory Ann:

There were 265 people that responded to the poll. It was posted here on my blog and I don't know what the demographics were. You are right that her post was just one person's view and my post is just one person's view. But both of our posts have the potential to influence other people.

As I said in the post, each person needs to decide for herself when or if to give up on breastfeeding. No one should be pressuring you to give up at 2 weeks if it isn't working out. Everyone should be be supported in HER decision, whatever that may be.

I wrote more on this topic in http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/05/14/when-it-is-not-breast/" rel="nofollow">When it is Not Breast.

With regards to how much time I have on my hands, well, I guess I could watch "So you think you can dance" or something instead. But I'd rather blog.

[iFeedYouRead.com » Blog]

[...] Breastfeeding RatesRosin goes on to wonder why every woman she knows “has become a breast-feeding fascist.” Apparently Rosin only associates with a very slim percentage of the population if every woman she knows is a breastfeeding fascist. In the US, only 17 percent of babies are still breastfed at 6 months. Rosin quotes the breastfeeding rates in the States triumphantly: “breast-feeding is on the rise—69 percent of mothers initiate the practice at the hospital, and 17 percent nurse exclusively for at least 6 months”—as if to say “How much higher can they really go?” I personally find these numbers shockingly low, especially when you consider that those women who initiate the practice in the hospital may not even stick it out past a week or two. [...]

[Six Week Check-Up « Chil]

[...] to do it. They could all use encouragement and support now. As PhD in Parenting says in her post on When to Give Up on Breastfeeding: “tell her that you know how hard it is. Tell her that you are proud of her for trying so hard. [...]

[kittenpie]

So true. I struggled with both, and each time ended up giving up and pumping exclusively for a year. I've been trying to find time to write about this with my little guy last year, and haven't found it yet! But the nub and gist of it being - I asked people about their experiences with pain and discovered nearly everyone I knew had gone through between 4 and 12 weeks of pain before they settled in. I know two people who had no problem. I don't know how women keep going through that kind of pain, because I could not. I don't know if it's heroic or insane, but they do it anyway, and I'm blown away by it. So yes, as you say, telling someone to give up? Not helpful. They might anyway, as I did, eventually , but at least they will have given it the amount of trying they feel they can give. (I gave it between 5-6 weeks to try, since I was told it could take 4-6 weeks to get it right, right off the bat, so I hung in for a while)

[My Picks for Best Breastfeedin]

[...] When to give up on breastfeeding [...]

[Laura]

I'm 15 weeks in and still struggling. After 10 weeks of exclusively breastfeeding, my baby still hadn't put on her birth weight. I went to countless professionals but although the pain and bleeding nipples were resolved my milk supply had diminished greatly. I've had to top-up with formula ever since. I also pump 1-3 times a day. I've been to a number of breastfeeding support groups and they seem to have this rose tinted view of feeding (I guess it went fine for them) and can't understand why I'm topping up. I'm taking fenugreek but I can't see how I'm going to stop the pumping and topping up. I'm still not 100% confident in my latch.
It's now that I'm contemplating giving up breastfeeding or at least continue to top up until we reach the 6 month mark.
I just wanted to say that it's not always a happy ending however much effort is put in. I reckon I'll persevere until 6 months but it's not the wonderful experience I'd hoped it would be.

[Robyn]

I am three days shy of 2 weeks postpartum and I have been thisclose to giving up breastfeeding several times, but then someone just keeps me going. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't even LIKE my baby because all I feel is dread every time he wakes up and wants to eat. I'm not sure if it is worth continuing since it is damaging my relationship with my son. I am so exhausted, and it hurts so much. I've seen an LC three times. Each time it seems like it has helped, but a couple days later, I'm back to being desperate. I want to switch to pumping at the two week mark, but I am afraid of letting everyone down and being branded a failure.

[phdinparenting]

Robyn:

Those first few weeks can really be rough. I had a really rough time at the start, but I'm so happy now that I kept pushing myself and kept going. If you are only able to get help every few days right now from the LC, it might help if you could get some more regular support. Have you checked out some reputable breastfeeding support boards? The http://forum.kellymom.net/index.php" rel="nofollow">kellymom.com community is a wonderful place to get support from women who are very knowledgeable about breastfeeding and about those challenges that so many women face during the first few days.

The decision about whether to keep going and whether it is worth it is entirely yours. But if you do think you want to keep going, do give the message boards a try to see if you can have more consistent help in between your meetings with your lactation consultant.

[Inspiration for a Breastfeedin]

[...] But, like a relationship, it can take work and a regular diet of self affirmation.  I am one of the lucky 27% for whom breastfeeding came easily.  However, I can still feel isolated in a society where [...]

[Risks of Informal Breastmilk S]

[...] the “Breast is Best” message hammered into their brain. They have probably also heard countless tales of women who found breastfeeding difficult or impossible and have probably heard them say that infant formula is an acceptable alternative. While there is [...]

[Keila]

I'm very late to this party, but I wanted to share my story.
I was all set for an intervention free birth experience. I hired a doula when I was only 12 weeks along, went to pregnancy circles etc.
I won't go into the whole story but suffice it to say that I was induced at 41+1 because I had gestational diabetes and my doctor (who was actually VERY supportive and more of a partner than a dictator) was afraid of an overly large baby. I labored for almost 8 hours and only progressed 1 cm and the pain was wearing be out so I opted for an epidural after consulting with my doula. I did it in the hopes that not being in pain would help me relax and let my body open up. I labored for 3 more hours and progressed only 2cm more (at this point it was almost 12 hours) and we went with a c-section.

My daughter did not latch right away. Because she was born late at night and so when they brought her in for her first feeding at 3am, there was no lactation consultant at the hospital to assist me. The nurse did her best to help me but I was in extreme pain and very groggy and I had never done this before so she did not latch. The next morning the LC was in my room first thing and still no latching. The staff finger fed her my colustrum because we agreed that we did not want to introduce a bottle to derail any breastfeeding attempts.
By the end of our 4 day stay, my daughter lost over a pound of her birthweight because she wasn't latching and the finger feeding could only do so much. My first two days at home I tried breastfeeding and she was starving so I had to supplement.
My insurance covers Lactation Consultants and so I called a woman who came very highly recommended. She was AMAZING. Very supportive, firm but caring and very knowledgable. My daughter's latch improved, but we were still struggling. We finally realized that she was tongue tied and so I went to a specialist and we had her frenulum snipped. Her latch improved even more but she still was hungry all the time and so I was still supplementing. At this point I was 4 weeks post partum. While all of this was going on I was doing everything under the sun to increase my milk supply: herbal tinctures provided by my LC, oatmeal drinks, a sesame seed concotion said to help with milk development, nursing tea, eating healthy foods, drinking lots of water.
I was also pumping ALL THE TIME. If I collected 2oz of milk from BOTH breasts, it was a GOOD day. Finally my bewildered LC sent me for blood tests. My prolactin levels were practically non-existent. The next option was medication. The only med approved by the FDA in the US had some nasty side-effects and my LC who is also a Nurse Practicioner (in the US they can prescribe meds) refuses to prescribe it because of the seriousness of the side effects. My only other option was domperidone which is not approved in the US and has to be gotten from overseas. It was very expensive. The other option was donated milk which I could not afford.
Needless to say, after 6 weeks of trying to BF, I finally switched to formula. By this point I was exhausted. When I wasn't trying to feed, I was pumping and vice versa. I couldn't shower, couldn't eat. Couldn't do ANYTHING. My inability to feed my baby in the way that I wanted to was causing me so much stress and anxiety that I was starting to resent her and I was miserable.
My daughter is now 9 1/2 months old. She has been sick only once. She is curious and fully engaged in the world around her. I have been stopped on the streets of Manhattan by older men in business suits to comment on what an alert and beautiful baby she is.
My point is that in MY case I tried everything humanly possible to breastfeed my daughter and I am grateful that she at least had the benefit of at least 6 weeks of what little breastmilk I was able to produce.
My other point is that despite being formula fed, she is healthy and robust and amazing.
I stopped feeling guilty for stopping. But I still feel sad because I feel like my body betrayed me. Both in the birth and in breast feeding.
I've had a few women try to hint that I did not do enough...if what I went through was not enough, then I don't know what is.
I must also add, that if I were to have another child I would ABSOLUTELY try everything under the sun to breastfeed because I feel that strongly about it.

[Olivia]

I too am having major problems with breastfeeding.....we're 7 weeks in now, and it's so hard not to give up, but I'm too stubborn to give up with the progress we've made! I hope to eventually exclusively breastfeed, and I really hope that that's not just a pipe dream!

[JS]

It took me well over 3 months with my oldest to work out our issues, and I was given BAD advise. I was told to supplement with formula because he was not getting enough from my milk, instead of being told to increase my iron intake, eat oatmeal, heavier meals, eat better.. etc. I lacked a lot of fat in my milk, and he was a thin, tall baby, just like I was. Hence the bad advise. They figured he'd fatten up at the 2 week mark and he did not.

With baby #2, it was a breeze besides the fact his mouth is just so gosh darn tiny. I still have problems latching him sometimes at night and he's 16 months now - with teeth! ;)

My biggest supporter, were friends and online websites, and my husband. No one else. Even now the pediatricians think I am "the crazy American" for breastfeeding past 6 months, past 12 months and past 24 months.

[Mo]

Yes, I was lucky to maybe get one oz from both breasts combined, I just didn't bother after a while. I did find that a manual pump actually worked a lot better for me than my pump in style, but everyone is different. My second son would never take a bottle anyhow, which I guess worked out in the end with my difficulty in getting anything out.

This was a great post. I had severe difficulties with nursing my first son. When the midwives checked out my son's latch they went on and on about how well he was nursing, etc. By the time he was 5 days old I was bleeding every time he'd nurse and I'd just cringe and cry each time he latched on. And what was worse was that I was being told to nurse him as often as I could since he was pretty severely jaundiced. I saw an LC who really didn't help me at all. It wasn't till I broke down a sobbing mess in the pediatrician's waiting room when the nurse asked me how everything was going that she finally helped me to figure out what was going on. Tiny little lower lip tucked in. Took me several weeks to finally heal up after that, but thank god I had the support I did or I would have given up so much sooner. I went on to nurse into toddlerhood and loved every minute of it. And now I'm onto a new nursing relationship with my second son, currently 18 months old. Having the proper support, a partner or spouse who tells you that you can do and not to give up, is soooo important. If my husband or pediatrician had just once told me it was okay to just give him formula I would have done it in a heartbeat, despite how important it was to me to breastfeed.

[Kathy]

Keep giving good advice, it is not easy and it is so tempting to throw in the towel especially during the early days of parenting when you are so dang tired and those free formula samples are sitting around.

I get so discouraged when I hear of someone giving up..... often like your commentor who had people around her giving bad advise and steering her to the formula. there are so many options and lactation consultants and advocates that are more than willing to try and give tips, tricks and advice.

Even though it is something natural - it still is learned for both momma and baby and sometimes not easy BUT SO WORTH THE EFFORT.

Thanks for your honesty.

Kathy

[Erin]

Wow. I haven't read all your posts but I've read several and this one is by far the best (the most helpful)! I've had nothing but issues trying to breastfeed my babies. It's going better with my second than with my first but I still don't seem to produce enough milk to adequately feed her - as a result, I offer her a bottle with formula once she can't get anything else from my boobs. This post reaffirms my persistence to stick with bfing as much as I can regardless of the pain, frustration and how much easier formula feeding would be. And, regardless of how many women in my sphere of influence suggest I give up (my second is now 2 months old). I should give credit to my supportive husband - the only real support I have. He supports me in whatever method I choose to feed our baby, but tells me regularly how proud he is of me for bfing and how he thinks I'm doing such a great job. He backs up his words with being as helpful as he can to me and with our toddler. I'm sure if I didn't have his support I'd have given up on bfing between the 2-3 week mark when I was the most sleep-deprived and the pain was at its worst. Between you and my husband, I get what I need to stay the course. Thank you :)

[Orsi]

It took about 3 months to get established with breastfeeding my first. After a lot of useless advice from the midwives, who were truly less than helpful unfortunately, I ended up turning to the internet and came across Kellymom.com, which is what saved my breastfeeding relationship. I feel that more training needs to be given to healthcare professionals in regards to breastfeeding, and a whole lot more support needs to be given to new mothers.

[Renee]

I too had a hard time breastfeeding. My son had a birth accident and was in the NICU for 6 days (they told us it would be a month!) While there, the hospital was totally unhelpful in terms of getting pumping started for him (he was in the NICU in a different hospital from he one I delivered in). It took them over 12 hours to get me a pump. Luckily, my milk supply ended up being crazy high. When I was released, I stayed at his hospital day and night, trying to nurse when they would let me, every 3 hours. The lactation consultants there (all 4 I saw there) were very unhelpful, insisting from the beginning that I needed a nipple shield. Of course they bottle-fed him formula in the NICU even though I said I'd feed him with a spoon, an eye dropper, anything but a bottle. They said it was a bottle or a nasal-gastric tube. Great choice. Anyway, after he came home we had 2 more LC's and in the end he never latched on well enough to get enough nutrition. We even had to take him to the ER at 2 weeks because he lost a bunch of weight and was peeing red. I pumped for 13 months around the clock until my supply just dwindled too much. After he left the ER, he got nothing but breast milk until he started solid food at 6 months. I'm glad that I tried so hard, but I am sad that I did not have a nursing relationship with him. He was never my nursling. He's almost 3 now, has gotten sick almost never so far, and we are very close, but I feel that he and I missed out on something very special.

[Sian]

I'm a bit late to the party here, I know! I liked your post. I agreed with everything, especially your reason for writing it. It took 3, miserable, painful, yet well supported months (Surestart and la leche league volunteers) to get my daughter's feeding established. I don't regret persevering, for the joy (and magic wand) it's brought to us both. I only have a comment for your sentence "It is normal for it to be difficult, but with the right type of support most moms can overcome those difficulties." I would suggest it's 'common', but that doesn't mean it's 'normal' to have weeks of difficulties breastfeeding. It's more common than it should be for reasons including childbirth practices, cultural/social practices, infant feeding practices etc. Breastfeeding should be easy. When we can remove out all the obstacles in our culture for new mum's hopefully these difficulties will be less common.

[Rossa]

Women in the western world are spoiled brats. The sight of their sagging breasts hurts most, not the baby biting their nipple. My wife breast fed for a month only, I was pissed. My son is not going to get the full benefits of breast milk.

[Beccy]

I agree that 2 weeks is way too short. I have breastfed 3 kids for 3y3m , 2y6m and 2y9m and still ongoing. But the first 5 weeks with my eldest were hell. He fed non-stop because I didn't know the difference between comfort sucking (little fluttery motions, less frequent swallowing) and drinking seriously (more frequent swallowing), then he got a rotten latch from a tiny dummy that I gave him at 2 weeks because I was too embarrassed to nurse in public in a mall. I was in so much pain I thought I had thrush. Luckily I was completely stubborn, had good advice, and read a lot, so I never messed with the supply-and-demand of breastfeeding, and so I didn't encounter supply dips like many of my friends. Interestingly, when I told my son's nanny (who is African - we live in South Africa) that my friend gave up because she didn't have enough milk for her baby, the nanny looked at me in complete bewilderment. She was a 45 year old grandmother and have never come across the concept of milk shortage. In her community it just doesn't exist.

[Hazel Varah]

I breastfed both my children and loved every moment of it, but yes it did take longer than two weeks to settle, I would say that only at 3 months did i feel happy and have things under control. I have to say now one of those babies is grown and having her own baby it has been a pleasure to be a source of encouragement and support when as in many of your stories all around her there has been no support from the medical bodies. I am appalled that as a young 22 yr old single mum she is out there on her own, no support no health visitor calling for any length of time etc., My best advice to her as she has quite ample breasts was to remove her bra as early as possible in pregnancy to allow her nipples to toughen up for their duties ahead. If i could pass this on to any expectant mother i would be so pleased. The western nipple is couped up all day in a soft environment and it should actually be exposed to the air, as in much more natural conditions, something we do think about and is never mentioned. Please pass this on to any expectant mum!!!. I truly feel this made life a lot easier for myself and my daughter, am a amazed at her still feeding and loving at at 20mths and saying its the best thing she ever did. None of her friends had the confidence to carry on unfortunately so she has been out there on her own with it.
Thanks for all the posts such an interesting site.

[Ellen]

Thank you for this. My baby will be 2weeks old tomorrow, and I am feeling so like I want to give up on BF. Sore, cracked, bleeding nipples, the sleeplessness, the not knowing if shes getting enough, I have never done anything this hard. The stories here have made me want to persevere and keep going. Thank you all.

[NP]

My baby was given the bottle of formula at 3 days old by her pediatrician because she has lost '10%' of her birth weight of 8 lbs. Ever since that day, did not take to the breast to well. I tried everything, but between my babys preference for bottle and episiotomy pains, I gave up trying to breastfeed at about 2.5 months. And even during those 2.5 months I was pumping when she refused to latch on. Eventually I pumped full time and still do at 9 months and breastfeed exclusively. But I do believe women need more support in the first few months after delivery to be able to successfully breastfeed. I have now given up on trying to breastfeed her( she has teeth now)- but I wish things could have been different. .

[Anne]

I tried to BF and it didn't work for me. To give my son the same benefits, though, I continued to pump long enough to give him 6 full months of milk. It was a definite inconvenience, but worth it to me. I would still try to BF again next time if we choose to have another baby.