Is breastfeeding intimate?
Thursday, September 30, 2010 There is a fascinating discussion happening right now on Elita's Blacktating blog about whether we should use the word intimate to describe breastfeeding. The discussion stemmed from a comment that someone made about a breastfeeding picture on facebook that said:
“OK…breastfeeding is a very beautiful thing, but why do people expose themselves and publish pictures like that! It is a very private and intimate thing between you and your child. Gosh…this picture just makes me sick!”
Elita's post talks about the sexual connotations that often come with the word "intimate" and questions whether we should be using a word like that to describe breastfeeding if so many people will then relate breastfeeding to sex.
How I see intimacy
Two women sharing an intimate moment while breastfeeding their babies in public.
My comment on the post was:
I don't think intimate = sexual. I think that intimate means private or shared between two people. I would say that I had some intimate breastfeeding moments and many, many, many functional breastfeeding moments. The intimate moments would be the ones where we had the quiet, the calm, and the privacy to be able to share a special moment and to bask in the beauty of our nursing relationship. The functional ones were the everyday "this baby needs to be fed" or "this baby needs to be comforted" moments. It isn't always possible or always necessary to create an intimate nursing moment, but I do think that those intimate moments are valuable too.
That said, I don't think there is anything wrong with photographing or sharing those intimate moments. Consider wedding or engagement photographs where a couple looks deeply into each others' eyes or shares a kiss. Those are intimate photographs, but ones that they want to share with the world. I have some breastfeeding photos that do capture an intimate moment, but that I also proudly display for others to see.
Elita responded:
Although in the strictest definition, intimate can be any act between a few people, at least in America it definitely has a sexual connotation. Obviously I have no issue with nursing photographs, but many people do. They are saying, "This is too intimate and should therefore be private." Maybe we need to change the way we are speaking then. We can use words like "close" and "bond" without saying intimate. The question is, should we cede the word because it's loaded with other meaning for a lot of people?
Further comments look at the various meanings of the word intimate and question whether the meaning is evolving or is different in different geographic locations.
What do you think? Is intimate a normal and appropriate word to use to describe breastfeeding or is it too loaded with sexual connotations?
Photo credit: mirmurr on flickr
Reader Comments (60)
Definitely! Much of society also thinks that breasts are entirely sexual (thus all the negative NIP publicity), but that doesn't mean we should stop using our breasts for their intended purpose or stop using the word breast.
I didn't read all the other comments, but the idea of whether a word should be given up because it gives people "ammo" against something is fascinating and applies to a wide variety of things. Should marriage stop being called marriage because some people believe gay and lesbians should not "marry"? No, nobody has seriously suggested that.
Mrs P: This is a perspective I never thought of, but I think it's very much at the heart of why most people are skeeved by public breastfeeding: it involves reminding us all of the sexual connection we have with people we are related to.
Now there are healthy and unhealthy connections. The simplest is that we are all products of sexual activity of our parents, and an extension of sexuality is lactation- meaning that sexual reproduction involves pregnancy and then feeding the child. That is how we reproduce. The offspring needs to be FED, and this ability women have is a direct result of having been pregnant. (I had a friend who adopted and tried to trick her body with hormones into lactating- VERY hard). And so that sexuality tied into breastfeeding is what people gently hint at when they are interpreting "intimacy". "Intimacy" can be used many ways, but it does in all situations at least *remind* us of sexuality. For most people, not just incest survivors, this connection of the word intimacy to the reminder of our parent's sexuality is distressing. I personally think it's because sexuality itself is so fraught with shame in our culture, that the extension of sexuality into reproduction becomes fraught with the same sense of shame.
If breasts can't be shown in public because of whatever reason, then we really shouldn't expect people to feel differently about a lactating breast, even if it's not exciting someone sexually but providing a snack. The USE cannot shift in the observer what culture has been imprinting over a whole life.
Use "intimacy" when breastfeeding feels intimate. Don't when it doesn't. But don't stop using it thinking that will stop the complicated and fraught relationship our culture has with sexuality itself.
What a beautifully worded response!!!
i agree with you in everything youve said, and i live in a middle to upper class portion of western sydney, new south wales, australia.
i never use "intimate" in a sexual context, and im pretty sure most people who live in my area are like minded with me.
if its got to do with sex, ill say "sex". im not one for euphamisms.
so, yes. i do think breastfeeding can be intimate. but like you said, not EVERY breastfeeding session has to have the same level of intimacy. sometimes it is simply a matter of feeding your baby.
intimate is complete openness and vulnerability.....honest and free of veils and the games ppl play in life like putting on airs etc.It means bare,basic,close and trusting.....loving. I have an intimate relationship with Jesus <3 and nursing/nourishing my babies is intimate-sometimes more than others<3
what in interesting conversation... i don't think intimate has to be private, you can share an intimate moment with many people in many different ways in public, a quick kiss, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, and i most DEFINITELY think people should be able to do one of the most natural things a person can do, FEED THEIR BABY, in public, without be gawked at or judged.
This is such a sad, sad dialogue. This is indeed one of THE most intimate of human experiences and the fact that it is being debated, scrutinized or discussed as interesting or shocking or inappropriate at all is just a sign of our cultural schizophrenia that tries to assign sexuality to even the most mundane of tasks, like nourishing and feeding a child. i am just a regular, breastfeeding mom - not an activist. my first son was bottle fed. i feed my baby when she needs to be fed and celebrate this incredibly beautiful, INTIMATE, lovely experience by doing it whenever/wherever she is hungry, but while trying to be moderately discreet, just as i would while going to the bathroom, flossing my teeth or blowing my nose...all very natural and non-offensive tasks that i feel comfortable with, but ones that need not be exposed to every passerby! others
I fail to see how breastfeeding could possibly be in the same category as "going to the bathroom, flossing teeth, or blowing a nose". The activities you list are designed to clean your body, ridding it of waste and bacteria. Breastfeeding is the nourishing of a child (infant or otherwise). You could argue it's the polar opposite of the other activities you list. I realize that you say you breastfeed wherever/whenever - that's wonderful. So why take away from that by equating it with using the bathroom?
As for the discussion around "intimate" - it's an interesting idea, but honestly, I just can't spend time thinking about the nuances. I get impatient with anyone who has a problem with feeding a baby, implying it's intimate in the same way as sex is intimate. People who say BF shouldn't happen in public because it's intimate definitely mean it that way.
my point, juliette, is that breastfeeding is a very simple, very primal, very natural and basic part of the human physical experience and should be treated as equally benign a public activity as other physical activities. i try to be slightly discreet only because in our culture, many view the human body as something private. i do not agree, but i try to respect the point of view.
We're arguing mainly the same thing, but for the sake of argument, from Merriam-Webster:
Benign:
a : of a mild type or character that does not threaten health or life; especially : not becoming cancerous
b : having no significant effect : harmless
That doesn't describe breastfeeding to me :)