I won’t ask you why you didn’t breastfeed
Thursday, July 1, 2010 This post isn't addressed to any person in particular, but is addressed to any friend who ends up not breastfeeding. I was inspired to write it when I read these words by my friend Arwyn from Raising My Boychick:
So make the space. When someone says she didn’t breastfeed because it was creepy, listen to her. When someone doesn’t want to tell you why she didn’t breastfeed, or gives you a reason you know to be false, realize you don’t know the whole story, and grant her her privacy. When someone says she didn’t love every damn minute of nursing, don’t assume she’s anti-breastfeeding.
Mostly, shut up and listen.
I agree with Arwyn's words, but wanted to take it a step back and explain to my readers and friends why I won't ask: "Why aren't you breastfeeding?".
Dear friend,
I won't ask you why you didn't breastfeed. It isn't because I don't care about you (I do). It isn't because I don't want to hear your story (I'm here to listen). It isn't because I'm judging you smugly in silence (I'm not). But I won't ask you.
I won't ask you because it is none of my business. The decision to breastfeed or not is a very personal one. People sometimes have very personal reasons for choosing not to breastfeed. That can include medical reasons, past sexual abuse, or simply feeling repulsed by the idea of breastfeeding. Sometimes people really wanted to breastfeed and tried really hard, but it just didn't work out and talking about it opens the wounds again each time. So I won't ask, because I don't want people to feel forced into telling me something extremely personal and I also don't want them to lie about their reasons in order to avoid telling me something so personal. I respect your privacy.
I also won't ask you because I don't like people inadvertently spreading myths about breastfeeding. While a lot of people do stop breastfeeding for perfectly good reasons (personal ones or medical ones), there are also lots of people who stop breastfeeding because they believed something that just wasn't true. Maybe they thought their breasts would get saggy (not true), maybe they thought they didn't have enough milk because their baby always seemed hungry (sometimes true, but usually not), maybe they thought a bottle would help their baby sleep better (nope), maybe they believed that because their diet isn't perfect that their baby wouldn't get enough nutrients from breastmilk (not true). When they repeat those myths over and over again, other people internalize them, believe them, pass them along and contribute to myths passing as truths.
So I won't ask.
But if you do want to tell me your story, which a lot of people do, I am here to listen. I will, as Arwyn suggests, first and foremost shut up and listen. When I respond, I will never question whether you tried hard enough or whether your reasons were good enough. That isn't my place. I will support you and I will mourn with you the loss of your nursing relationship (if that is how you perceive it).
But, and this is where it becomes difficult for me, I will try to gently correct any incorrect information that you share. I won't jump right in and say "that is complete nonsense". Instead, I will ask questions and try to understand why you believe what you do. As I do that, I'll try to find the most gentle, caring way to share with you the information I have that is different.
This is really hard because people get defensive. They may get defensive because they are using a commonly held breastfeeding myth as a cover for a deeper reason for not breastfeeding that they do not want to share and they really don't want their cover to be blown. Or they may get defensive because they really believed that myth and if it isn't true, then it puts their decision into question. I don't want to blow anyone's cover and I don't want anyone to feel bad about a decision that they made, especially if they made it because of bad information given to them by someone else. But...but...but...I don't want other women to give up on breastfeeding because they believe something to be true that really isn't true and I don't want you to be robbed of the opportunity to nurse your future children (if you want to) because you believe something that really isn't true.
So I'll listen, I'll support you, I'll support your decision (whether made with good information or bad), but I will, ever so gently, correct any information that is not true. And I'm so sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me.
Take care,
Annie
I should note as well, because I couldn't find a way to work it into the letter, that if I know a friend is planning to breastfeed, I often try to arm them with good information (e.g. good books, good websites, how to find a lactation consultant) ahead of time and let them know that I am there if they have any questions at all. I extend the offer to help, but I don't push it. It is up to them to take me up on the offer if they so choose.
Image credit: Lettres de Lou by Arslan on flickr
Reader Comments (153)
[...] usual, PhD in Parenting has another stellar breastfeeding post: I Won’t Ask You Why You Didn’t Breastfeed (actually inspired by another one of Arwyn’s posts). It has some really great points for [...]
Marissa:
Personally, I wouldn't consider most of the myths/excuses on your list to be myths.
A lot of women do have sore and cracked nipples. It doesn't mean that they can't fix the problem or overcome it, but I wouldn't deny that they were in pain because that pain is very real. I can understand why some people would give up due to the pain because I was very close to doing so.
With regards to "my baby wouldn't latch on" - mine didn't latch on until he was 7.5 weeks old. He was tongue tied and we had the tongue tie clipped when he was 2 days old. Either it wasn't done properly or it grew over, but when I finally got to see an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist (after numerous lactation consultants, doctor, friends, message boards, etc.) when he was 7 weeks old, the doctor said that he still had tongue tie and she clipped it again. It still took another 7.5 weeks until he was nursing well. It was a real battle to get him to latch on. Not only was I battling the tongue tie, but I was also battling nipple confusion and all sorts of other bad advice. I don't consider that a myth, I consider it a major hurdle. I do know some moms who never managed to get their babies to latch after months of trying.
I do agree that moms need to do more to be prepared, but I don't agree that those are necessarily myths. I think they are very real challenges.
It is shocking and extremely disappointing when a person is molested, Lainie. I am so sorry that you were victimized and I'm sorry it continues to affect you and your family today. I don't think Rebecca was judging you or others in your shoes. She was referring to the article recently published in Mother & Baby Magazine where the editor described breastfeeding as creepy and her "fun bags" as for her husband only.
I agree - assuming that the reasons listed in Marissa's post above are excuses or myths can be harmful and add to the negative perceptions of breastfeeding. While it's true that most cases of all three can be treated, sometimes they can't. It's also probably true that the increased incidence of all of these problems is a result of decreased exposure to nursing which is influenced by societal perceptions of nursing (and older maternal age can be a factor in milk production).
Despite having all the preparation (all of the suggestions mentioned by Marissa and then some), and having access to the very best support (supportive family, close friend who is a LC, etc.) and treatment, I had all of the above challenges, and none were resolved with the treatment (weekly or more frequent visits to the Newman clinic for 14 weeks, osteopathy, chiropractic, doperidone, herbs, etc).
Anyway, my point is that all of the listed excuses or myths are definitely real challenges, every nursing dyad could have a unique combination of challenges and every woman has a breaking point. For many women, dealing with significant breastfeeding challenges in those fragile post-partum days, is just too much to take. Dismissing these real challenges as myths, or worse, as excuses, is not helpful to those moms, adds to the negativity around breastfeeding and could be hurtful to a mom who already feels like a failure.
Hmm... I wish there was an edit or delete option so I could reword things after posting. I'm afraid what I've written may not come across as intended. My apologies if anyone is offended.
This is very carefully and well-worded.
I always try very hard to emphasize that not only do I not judge the individual mother, it really is not my business. She is welcome to do whatever she wishes or needs to do or feels she needs to do with her body and it is not my place to judge her. If she is a friend, or someone who, for whatever reason, finds me approachable, and wishes to tell me her experience, I am happy to listen.
And, like you, I struggle with how to respectfully and gently put more complete information out there when I hear questionable information shared in public. I don't think of it so much of correcting (although I know it may be perceived as such and unfortunately often is) as just adding more complete information to the discussion.
I know this is a very sensitive issue for some women and Lord knows there is enough judgment placed on women without us looking down on one another. At the same time, when I hear of babies "self-weaning" at 8 months' (a common time for a nursing strike...which both of mine had and then went on to nurse past a year), or having to wean because "a lot" of (fill in the blank...women don't produce enough milk, babies can't tolerate the mom's diet, etc.)... I worry about the struggling mom hearing that or finding it in a Google search.
I really wish that we could talk about our own personal experiences as such, and medical information as such, without feeling judgmental or judged. Talking about ideals and averages and statistics does not negate another woman's experience.
I had an epidural with both births. I recognize that based on studies that is a less-than-optimal choice on average and that it is not "normal" and could disrupt the birth process and result in complications for the mother and baby.
With one birth, I feel like it helped me avoid a c-section. With the other, I feel like I would have been better off making a different decision. In the end, though, I don't feel accused when people discuss the issues that can arise from using an epidural. There are risks and benefits to almost everything. There are averages and exceptions. And thank God we live in a world where women have more choice than ever before...and where there are (some) responsible professionals and other caring women helping us navigate those choices.
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Jackie
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It is an excellent example of the fact that we don't always know the full story, nor is it any of our business.
Some of the things that your lactivist friends have reminded you of do resonate with me, but within a specific context. I was previously a moderator on a breastfeeding support message board. If a mom came on there and posted about how much she missed breastfeeding and how sad she was that she wasn't able to breastfeed anymore, I would bring up relactation as an option. So few people are aware of it and I have been able to help several women who thought they would never nurse again to relactate and get their babies back to their breast. Within the context of a breastfeeding support message board, I assume that is something people would likely be open to (But understandably, they aren't always. Sometimes they just want to tell their story and be heard.). However, outside of that context, I do struggle with whether to mention relactation or not and I would probably listen very carefully to a mom's words to try to figure out if I should mention it or not. If I ever did mention it, I would drop it immediately if the mom didn't jump on it with a "wow...really? I had no idea. Please tell me more!"
Thank you again for sharing your story. It is a great example of how complex things can be, even when they seem simple on the surface.
Totally in agreement it's a beautiful letter. Totally in agreement breastfeeding is a personal issue. Totally in agreement not to question others about their decision to do it or not.
But I find "mourning" for or with or about someone about it to be exactly opposite of "not judging" in the event they don't breastfeed.
I don't want anyone mourning me. I won't and don't have time to mourn your seemingly empty day if that's what you choose to mourn about.
How about mourning the children without mothers or access to breastmilk or formula? There are bigger issues in the world than why I chose to stop breastfeeding.
Thanks for the great post! The sub-heading/theme here that you've described is "empathic inquiry". When we are so excited to share our knowledge and passion it IS easy to forget that we might be hearing something differently than what that particular mom is really saying. She may say "I wish I had a better milk supply" but unless we use that empathic listening and questioning (and that can be a really lengthy process), we won't know exactly what to say/not say that speaks to the actual assumption/need. The more I try to do this, the more I realize that empathic inquiry often lends itself to more collaborative exploration and openness to new information/knowledge. And THAT is a powerful thing!
This post is all kinds of great for me. I didn't breastfeed. I just chose not to for my own reasons. It has been VERY hard to find anyone who supports my decision without a bunch of judging or tips on why I should have at least tried. Luckily for me the two people who support me the most are my mom and husband--and that is really all I need, but in this world of mommy blogging, I feel very alone. This post made my day.
Sara:
The reason I said "I will mourn with you the loss of your nursing relationship (if that is how you perceive it)" is that a lot of moms really did want to breastfeed and weren't able to and do mourn that loss. If they are mourning, I will mourn with them (not for them). If they chose not to breastfeed or chose to stop breastfeeding and are completely happy with that decision, then I don't need to mourn for them. Believe me, my day is not empty and I have no need to mourn unnecessarily.
If only mothers *did* have the support of their OBs (the same ones who routinely engage in unnecessary birth interventions that negatively impact upon the breastfeeding relationship, esp. the unnecesarean) and education about breastfeeding during their pregnancies! If that were really the case (especially in the U.S. and especially for low-income women) breastfeeding rates would be much higher. This is why discussion about breastfeeding, defeating the myths, letting our friends, our sisters, our daughters know that we are there (and others, LCs, LLL, etc.) to give them support long *before* there's a baby and the rush of hormones and the need to feed a hungry little mouth.
If we could rely upon the medical establishment, that would be lovely. But as of now, that's a complete pipe dream.
Lovely post... so here's a suggestion for a follow-up one: What will I do when you tell me you don't plan to breastfeed.
Some women grieve because their body tells them their baby is dead! That's the normal physiological response from your body when your baby doesn't latch because as far as your body is concerned that's the only reason it could happen!
I've held a newborn dying baby in my arms, desperate to put her to my breast, my whole body aching to bring her to my breast. I held her for 24 hours after she died and my body needed me to put her to my breast. I hadn't even decided at that point that I was going to breastfeed, I hadn't given it a second thought.
Lauren:
If someone tells me she doesn't plan to breastfeed, I think my approach would be much the same as if she told me she didn't breastfeed/isn't breastfeeding. I wouldn't ask her why. I would respect her privacy. But if she shares her reason and it includes falsehoods, I would gently correct them.
Claire, your post made me cry. I mourn with you.
my general response to the "convenient" thing is "if you want convenient, get a houseplant instead of a baby. Babies aren't convenient, and they grow into children that are even LESS convenient. Learn to deal with the inconvenience as soon as you can. Breastfeeding, in the long run, is MUCH less inconvenient in a lot of ways. Fewer illnesses is just ONE of the ways."
And her breasts belong to her husband?!? does he drive them to work or something? Shesh, is she human or cattle?
I am so sorry that you went through so much and feel negatively judged by people who should be supportive instead. FWIW, if I were asking such questions it would absolutely NOT be in a judgemental way - I am a researcher by nature and seek to understand how things work (or don't). I would be asking those questions to potentially have more knowledge and information to share with another woman struggling as you struggled someday in the future. My heart aches with yours that no one was able to figure out how to get your body to produce enough milk, but you clearly are abundant in your dedication to your children. As committed to breastfeeding as I am and have always been (I have been putting off a breast reduction even though the size of my breasts might be contributing to early osteoparthritis because I think some of my chronic health issues are related to poor early nutrition - not just formula-feeding but plenty of other over-processed junk), I don't know that I'd have been willing or able to go through all that if my plumbing wasn't working. I disliked pumping pretty dramatically with my first two tho it's going better - ironically enough with a manual pump - this time around as I try to build up a backup stockpile, and always give a lot of credit to moms who pump. I know a woman locally who had a son with a cleft lip and pumped for him exclusively for over a year... I don't know that I would have been able to do that and I commend the moms who so clearly go above and beyond what the reasonable expectations of "normal" are to try to provide their babies with human milk. It's the ones who clearly gave up after 5min of improper latch immediately after birth that get me annoyed at the whole system!
just in case you decide to have another child, or your son's night latching surprises you with spontaneous relactation, thought you might want to have this resource to look up your meds and their affect on lactation. Also remember that while the "dose" coming through your milk will be pretty constant, the potential effect on a nursling will differ depending on age/weight - what might be dangerous with an 8lb 1mo baby may be a non-issue with a 20lb 8mo.
http://toxnet.nlm.nih.gov/cgi-bin/sis/htmlgen?LACT
FWIW, I've been in chronic pain since I was 10 (I'm now 33), on and off various pain medications and muscle relaxers for most of that time, and now nursing my 3rd son who is 6wks old after nursing my elder two until they were each about 30mo. I went back on stronger pain meds on an as-needed basis after consultation with my well-informed-on-lactation-issues doctor once the babies were a bit older. There isn't a whole lot of research done on these issues (primarily because the ethics of performing the resarch are questionable - here, take this pill and breastfeed your baby even tho we don't know what effect it may have on the baby? Yeah, no thanks!) but some information is out there and there are often safer-for-breastfeeding options for medications. A friend of mine with a similar costellation of health issues to my own weaned her firstborn at 12mo so she could go back on her muscle relaxant, whereas my doctor said it was OK for me to take the same medication when my baby was that old/heavy since they were getting such a minute amount of it through my milk. Didn't slow my son down a step. But different sitautions have different outcomes so make the choice that is best for you. I just want people to have good information.
OBs are not lactation experts, they are surgeons and many of them haven't had so much as an hour-long seminar on lactation. Putting them up on that pedestal and expecting the doctor will make everything alright is not improving the situation for anyone. Education during pregnancy rarely has anything serious to do with breastfeeding, and since breastfeeding is perceived by most pre-parenthood women to be a natural, instinctive thing instead of a learned behavior (on both mom & baby's part) if it doesn't go absolutely perfectly from the first moments they may feel something is wrong with THEM and clam up about it while quietly giving the baby the hospital-offered bottle along with the bag of formula samples they give out "just in case" even if you explicitly tell them you're breastfeeding (which was my experience with my firstborn in 2004 and one of the many highly informed reasons I chose to birth my next two at home). OB offices are often full of formula marketing materials and "sample" cans. I'd trust breastfeeding advice from that environment as much as I'd trust stop-smoking advice from the convenience store clerk with the full line of tobacco products stacked behind him. Oh, and add to that that OB/GYN are still mostly males who don't have the first idea of what it really feels like to breastfeed, or women who haven't had their own children yet as it's rather difficult to get in time for childbearing around medical school and medical practice, and the percentage with real practical first-hand knowledge of the subject is probably around 10% of all practicing OBs. You might actually have better luck getting breastfeeding advice from the granny behind you at the grocer.
To add to this, I went to an all midwife group in a birthing center. Super crunchy, one would think they would have brought up breastfeeding. NOT ONCE! While there were "breast is best" posters in the bathroom and some pamphlets in the waiting room, no one ever mentioned it to me personally. I did have a successful breastfeeding relationship after a TON of work, but, it was NOT at all due in part to the help of my doctors.
I had a bf'ing mentor I met through an online community, and while her pushiness was not always appreciated, her information was invaluable! I would have never known about all the herbs and medications available had it not been from her.
As it turned out, my baby was born 10 weeks early and I had to pump ever few hours with almost no supply...for FIVE weeks, the only reason we made it through was because of online friends and their pushiness :-) Weirdly enough, when I did meet with the lactation consultant in the NICU, I knew more than HER about some of the tricks!
Had I listened to the OB group I ended up seeing, or the nurses that watched me struggle, I would have quit. They were just trying to make me feel better, and I get that, but they were filled with bad advice about "so many women that just can't breastfeed". Our species would have died out long ago if they were right.
I once heard a great response to the "it's inconvenient" thing by a snarky (but correct, if you ask me) mom. She basically said (paraphrasing, I don't remember exactly what she said) "well yes, it is the less convenient option. Cooking nutritious food for my older kids is a hell of a lot less convenient that picking up fast food every night as well. When it comes to feeding my kids, their health is more important than my convenience."
I never would have the nerve to say something like this, but I do totally agree with her.
Yeah, I suppose you are right about it...
Although if the person who says that to you knows you are extremely pro-BF and have breastfed your kids exclusively beyond one year, it's kind of a strange thing to bring up... maybe it's a kind of warning shot, like "don't bother bringing it up..." but you're right, probably best not to ask.
I’ll share a “why I didn’t breastfeed” story. My son was born with a very severe congenital heart anomaly (I hate the word defect). He latched a couple times right after birth, before his diagnosis and then a few times before his first surgery (at 10 days). We tried to pick it after he was well enough around 30 days, with okay results. He went home with a feeding tube and still did some at breast. He was a very tired, blue baby (quite literally) and it was a huge chore to get him to eat anything. At some point, he decided he didn’t really like boob but did get to a point where he would do bottle and would take in just enough 24 cal/oz milk (20 cal bm fortified w/ formula) to meet his needs so he could just barely keep up on his weight and get rid of that annoying/uncomfortable/ somewhat dangerous feeding tube. I decided that feeding by mouth was a higher priority than feeding by boobie. Between 6 and 12 months, he was very sick, in heart failure and could not have had breastmilk or normal formula and needed a special diet that was so gross it really did need to be tube fed. The only hope was a heart transplant (which would be the only time he could maybe try a regular diet) which happened at his. When he was 9 months, I had no idea how long he’d be on this diet, had not a lot of hope that he would really be alive much longer and so I decided to give up the pump – put some milk from when I was non-dairy compliant in the freezer (he was also dairy intolerant) and donated the milk pumped when I was a slacker and spent my pumping time connecting and enjoying every second with my little guy. Now he’s still going, almost 3 and every now and then I think “aww.. if it had worked, we might still be bfing now” but I definitely don’t regret what I decided with the knowledge at the time.
Anyways, point being, I have never been offended by any discussion of why breastfeeding is important and why it should be encouraged. I agree wholeheartedly and will be excited to breastfeed my next baby if I have one for as many months and years as he/she feels like it. The only thing offensive I’ve ever heard are those who make blanketed statements like “There are never medical contraindications to BFing” or say things like “Me and my baby went through [insert really challenging/ emotional experience], therefore, no one has an excuse not to BF” I think it’s important to continue to address this as a systemic issue rather than a “personal choice” issue.
Anyways, great post. I think it’s important for thinking about how to be an advocate without being intrusive and listening is key
I have to apologize. Somehow, I didn't read that part of the letter thoroughly. I didn't see the “if that is how she perceives it” part. I understand, where you are coming from, as far as your personal feelings.
[...] recent example, to clarify what I am mentioning, is an article by PhD in Parenting called I won’t ask you why you didn’t breastfeed. I love Annie, I am impressed on how she thinks outside of the box, her posts are always [...]
I recently went into a situation like this. A family member who had not been successful breastfeeding her first child came to me and asked for some advice about how to do better with her next one. In the end it turned out that because her son had wanted to eat in less than three hours sometimes she thought she did not have enough milk. It was very hard to try to dispell that idea and not make her feel badly for what had happened before. Things are going well with her daughter and I am glad. She has been doing really well and I am glad. But still the conversations about her first experience I feel like I need to be so careful because I do not want to come off like I think she did anything wrong. She did what she felt was best with the info she had at the time - and that is all any of us can do.
Agree completely. I did not learn a thing about BF from my OB, the nurses in the hospital were woefully misinformed, and even our pediatrician (who should support the Canadian Pediatric Society's reco to nurse exclusively for 6 mos and continue for 2 years and beyond) told me DS would be "just fine" if I never did get him to latch and I switched to forumla. I think too many women DO assume medical professionals know what they are talking about when it comes to BF, and that is a big part of the problem. Thank goodness in my case for an LC, and the little voice in my head telling me I could do this, if I just gave it one more day. And yes, by the time I had my second child, I definitely (and sadly, I think) knew more than the nurses "advising" the first-time moms in my ward. It was heart breaking, because what was I supposed to do, jump up and say "you're telling them the wrong stuff! send them to an actual expert!" every time I overheard stuff like "there's no point in trying to nurse a c-section baby for the first 24 hours"? :(
Here's the thing. You say no one has a right to judge, but open your comment with "So many breastfeeding advocates are so mean, pushy, rude (I can up with a few more) and don’t take the extra time to find out why someone may not want to breastfeed, or, can’t. I agree, there is a lot of misinformation out there, but it isn’t necessary to shove it down someone’s throat." That sounds awfully judgmental to me. How do you know "many" breastfeeding advocates are mean, aren't listening, and aren't in fact being very diplomatic while trying to dispel the myths out there, but because so many women aren't listening, they come off as "pushy" just for saying anything at all? The breastfeeding advocates I know aren't "mean", but they are honest and have a tough, tough job working in this bottlefeeding culture, trying to share information that many, many people simply don't want to hear. For example, I am wondering right now how I can possibly ask without offending, if your OB or pediatrician every mentioned that your PPD could have been exacerbated by abruptly weaning? I honestly don't ask this to bring up bad feelings, but because it has been my experience that many doctors either aren't aware of this, or don't advise new mothers about it for fear of offending them. I don't see this as helpful at all.
To add, it makes me so sad to think the myth of the evil lactivist might stop other women from getting the help they want :(
I have asked "is there anything I can tell you about breastfeeding, or any questions I can answer, that might make you lean in favour of breastfeeding?" Obviously I would not ask this of just anyone, in just any circumstances, but if it is someone who I have a relationship or at least some rapport with...
While I like your take on this, I think sometimes women need an invitation to share their story and that may require some very tactful questions. But, of course, after the inviting question, you shut up and listen. And I like to validate their feelings, too.
I appreciated this post. when I think of things that I have said in my beginning days of lactivism I cringe. not because they weren't factual, but because they weren't sensitive to the situation at hand. and though, its true I don't understand a woman's thoughts or reasons of why formula was chosen, its ultimately not my business. as hard as it is for a busy body-trying-to-be-helpful-person that I am!
I also think some of your wisdom has come with time and experience. I am a passionate Idealist who when I learn something can't wait to tell the world, consequences be damned! and though I may in fact be "right", I was being hurtful! I often thought I should find those women and say SORRY I was SUCH an insensitive clod.
in some ways I wish we could just "stick to the facts" about breastfeeding, what is true, what isn't, and when stuff that is incorrect comes up, able to correct it without personally hurting someone/or re-traumatize them. but given the extremely personal nature, the fact that its one of the *first* things you do as a mother, that will probably NEVER happen!
Just a perspective from another direction: Perhaps your lactivist friends ask all those questions & go over every little thing, hoping to find some thing that was overlooked, or some bit of bad information you were given, in hopes of being able to find something that will help for next time. It might not be so much an urge to judge as an urge to find a way to fix . For many, the base assumption is that any mom would want to breastfeed, but everything surrounding breastfeeding in our society is so screwed up that it is reasonable to assume that a mama who can't (or thinks she can't) breastfeed has, at the very least, been given bad info somewhere along the line. Their hearts are probably in the right place, even if they don't express it well.
The idea of babies following feeding schedules is something we REALLY need to find a way to dispel!!! Or rather, they do follow a schedule--their OWN. With my daughter, we went through quite a few bouts of crying that nothing seemed to fix because she had JUST finished eating & couldn't POSSIBLY be hungry! Well, guess what? Sometimes, the baby finds an empty corner that she just HAS to fill in order to be happy. Eventually, I learned to just give her back that breast & we didn't do the "crying for no discernible reason" thing anymore. Since I learned with my daughter, my son did that maybe twice. Now, I tell newly breastfeeding mamas that more nursing is always better than screaming baby.
You and I - we are SO on the same page with this. This is the perfect follow-up to my Open Letter to Fellow Breastfeeding Advocates. My heart echoes your every word here.
something to be aware of with babies who do what your daughter did was that it could be silent reflux. With silent reflux, they feel the burn in their esophogus but they swallow the milk back down instead of spitting it up (so it burns in both directions instead of just on the way up & out). My 2nd and 3rd both have/had reflux issues and they'll cry and happily latch back on about 10min after a feed, but that can actually make matters worseas then they're adding more to their stomachs & overfilling it, leading to more reflux. They WANT to nurse because it temporarily calms the reflux symptoms - sooths the burning of the reflux from the fresh milk as well as moving stuff DOWN the digestive track instead of up - but may perpetuate the problem and in a mother less committed to breastfeeding actually lead to early weaning. The solution that works for our family is to keep the baby as upright as possible after a feeding for at least 15min (preferably 30 or more - a non-padded ring sling helps with this in the newborn phase, position baby vertically and tucked up as if they're swaddled then pull the sling TIGHT to hold them there, tucking the tail around the rings if needed to keep it from working loose). If the baby gets fussy anyway in under an hour, we offer a pacifier and continue to keep baby verticle (except when the heat is like it is now - my 3rd is 6 weeks old and I don't care if it makes his reflux worse, it's over 90 and humid if he indicates he wants one he's getting a boob, I'm not risking dehydration). Also helps for baby to sleep on their side (using bolsters to keep them there - we use men's tube socks filled FIRMLY with white rice and then the ends knotted - they're heavy enough to keep a small baby from rolling over and also work as hot/cold packs via microwaving or freezing) - just like sleeping on their left side helps some with indigestion/heart burn during pregnancy (letting gravity pull stuff in/toward the stomach organ and anything trying to go back up has to get past the gravity pull). With our 2nd son, around 8wks old we also started giving him Wellements Gripe Water which helped a LOT with the reflux, but we're hoping to keep it from getting to that point with our newborn (he hasn't had anything but my milk and a few homeopathic tablets in his digestive tract yet!)
So grateful, Kimberly! *checking blog*
Jen, I was going to shoot you an email, but your blogs don't seem current. Wanna leave me your email over at MY blog? There is probably an easier way of doing this, but I don't know it. Sigh.
This is wonderful. Really. I don't think I've ever asked why someone doesn't breastfeed because the mother typically tells me why up front. I listen and look for opportunities to show my support and educate if needed. Every time, it's mostly been lack of support and breastfeeding (and formula) myths. I try to do my best by example and hope that they'll check out the resources I give them.
I enjoyed these comments by both of you - and the blog post... many people may be hindered from BF-ing b/c of medical or emotional distress. And I am so sympathetic to them and support their decision. But I also agree with Lushka in that the editor of the mag gave superficial reasons for thinking BF-ing was creepy - to me, it seemed she put her sexuality and "fun" before the need to care/feed her child. The tone smacked of misplaced priorities. Had she voiced her opinion less flippantly or with a more serious reason for feeling this way (as you did), or with more respect for those who BF there probably would not have been such an uproar. Breast-feed or don't breast-feed, but each decision must be treated with respect.
What a great post - I came across it as I was doing some online research for a blog event I am having on BF-ing (in mid-August). I want to be supportive and encouraging to moms who choose to BF, but I also am glad I read this post because it keeps fresh in my mind the many reasons ppl may NOT choose to BF... I was not always so pro-BF-ing b/c I struggled so much and part of my emotional pain was that I feared people would look disfavorably if I decided to stop... luckily I had more ppl in my life who said they supported me whichever way I chose to go, and that gave me strength to keep going...
I have so much appreciation for the post and the thoughtful discussions in the comments. I realize (with tears coming on) how sad I still am (3 years later) about my experience with breastfeeding (or rather with not breastfeeding). I have perspective and knowledge now on how undiagnosed ppd made a difficult bf situation into an impossible one, yet the memories are painful. The one bright spot? After 15 visits to LCs thru our health insurance, I found a wonderful private practice LC who made homevisits. She saw us when my small one was 6 weeks old. She asked holistic questions about our lives rather than focusing on mechanics. Most importantly, she listened to the answers and helped me make a better choice for my family. Switching to exclusive pumping and bottle feeding allowed me to give my baby breastmilk until she was just over 4 months when ppd became overwhelming. This was not even close to what I hoped to be able to do but so much more than I thought was possible at that 6 week point. Support can take many forms but in my experience, this one woman with knowledge and experience really listening made all the difference.
Perfectly stated, Julie.
I'm not crying, but my heart wrenched. I'm so sorry, Claire... :(
Agreed wholeheartedly! I may be a rare person in here, I have not even been pregnant, and thus have never nursed, but I am reading up about and trying to prepare for childbirth and breastfeeding (and have been doing so since I was out of college, perhaps even before then, with the advent of mainstream Internet), which is what brought me here, so that I can make the most informed decisions I can, with the most important decisions (in my mind) of my life.
Granted, at 31, I thought I'd have at least had one child by now, my heartbreak is that I haven't found someone whom I love and loves me who will agree to have children (and I stayed too long in relationships that didn't work). As has been mentioned, questions of when you'll have children and pressure on an already maternal person (I work in and study early childhood education) are very painful as well. My reassurance comes from those my age and older who have had children. My Mom was 35 having me (28 having my older brother), but with her having emotional issues and being a single mom, I have had a bit of a struggle in life. I would never say to someone who, for example, struggles with infertility, "Oh, it will happen! Especially when you stop worrying." I just try to empathize and agree that it I couldn't imagine how emotionally painful that would be (until/unless it possibly happens to me).
It's a very hard tightrope to walk, as with many things in life; you want to give advice that worked for you or has been proven to work, but every situation is different. That said, it doesn't break your heart any less to see misinformation perpetuated.
Again, the self professed "oddball" here, I am not offended. The term "breaking point" turned a light on in my head... I'd just been trying to articulate the thought in my head... and you did it! That last paragraph was brilliant! :)
I'm glad you've been successful at nursing, but many women are not, even with lots of support. For you to call the problems they incounter "myths" is incredibly insensitive and horribly self righteous. You seem to me to be on a pretty high horse. I'm sure you do get excuses from women who don't breastfeed because its obvious you'd be judging them no matter what the reason is.
I agree!