Society is creepy (not breastfeeding)
Sunday, June 27, 2010 The lactivist community is up in arms over an editorial by Kathryn Blundell that appeared in the UK magazine Mother and Baby. The editorial, called I formula-fed. SO WHAT? is a personal rant by a woman who chose not to breastfeed. When I read it, it immediately made me think of two other articles that I've read. The first is Katrina Onstad's article Breastfeeding Sucks in the Canadian women's magazine Chatelaine. The other one is Hanna Rosin's infamous article The Case Against Breastfeeding that was published in the US magazine The Atlantic (which I responded to here and here).
What all three of these articles have in common is that they describe the societal pressure to breastfeed and include a woman's explanation of why she didn't want to breastfeed. They all focus on bullies (real or imagined) that make women feel bad for formula feeding. Where they differ is that while Katrina Onstad managed to talk about the horrors of her breastfeeding experience and candidly discuss implications of bad breastfeeding advice and sometimes insensitive mother-blaming forms of lactivism, she never comes to the conclusion (as the other two do), that breastfeeding doesn't really matter.
When looked at objectively, breastfeeding does matter. The health outcomes of breastfed children and breastfeeding mothers are better. There is no doubt about that. When looked at subjectively, within the lens of any individual mother's decision about how to feed her child, breastfeeding may not win out. While I think each mother has the right to decide how to feed her child, I do think that there are way too many societal barriers to breastfeeding and those barriers are what keeps breastfeeding rates much lower than they should be.
One of my beefs with Kathryn's editorial is that it was peppered with breastfeeding myths. If women believe the things that she believes, it is no wonder that so many of them choose not to breastfeed. She said that she "also wanted to give my boobs at least a chance to stay on my chest rather than dangling around on my stomach", perpetuating the myth that breastfeeding makes your breasts sag (not true at all). She also questions whether some women who didn't breastfeed did it because they "felt like getting tipsy once in awhile." If a breastfeeding mom really wants to get drunk once in a while, she should get a babysitter (because caring for your kids when you are tipsy is not a good idea whether you are breastfeeding or formula feeding) and pump and dump until the alcohol is out of her system (to maintain supply and avoid plugged ducts - pumping and dumping doesn't remove the alcohol, only time does). Or if she just wants a drink or two here and there, she can do that safely while breastfeeding. A fact checker, even for editorials, is pretty important in my opinion (as I previously told Margaret Wente and the Globe and Mail).
But the biggest problem I had with the article was her characterization of breastfeeding as creepy. One of the biggest societal barriers to breastfeeding is the attitude among much of the public that breastfeeding is creepy. This is why women are constantly told to go nurse in the bathroom or to cover up. It is why women are embarrassed to feed their babies in public and feel like they need to hide at home or in their car or take a bottle with them when they go out. Our society doesn't see breastfeeding as something that is natural and normal. Our society sees sexualized breasts as natural and normal. So attitudes like this one expressed by Kathryn Blundell in her editorial are not surprising:
They’re part of my sexuality, too – not just breasts, but fun bags.
And when you have that attitude (and I admit I made no attempt to change it), seeing your teeny, tiny, innocent baby latching on where only a lover has been before feels, well, a little creepy.
What if Kathryn had seen just as many breasts feeding babies as she had seen in sexualized imagery in her lifetime? Would she feel the same way? I don't blame Kathryn for thinking that breastfeeding is creepy. I blame society. But as an editor of a major publication she has, in my opinion, a greater responsibility than simply sharing her story. I think she has the responsibility to try to change how breasts are perceived. I think that her personal account, within a larger story about why the way breasts are perceived in society needs to change, would have been appropriate. But I think that her personal account, in an editorial about why formula feeding is fine, is damaging because it perpetuates and legitimizes the perspective that breastfeeding is creepy.
Breastfeeding may not be for everyone. But breastfeeding is not creepy. Our society is creepy for thinking that breastfeeding is creepy.
Image credit: scariepants on flickr
Reader Comments (110)
Aak! Re-reading this made me realize that I may be a little off-topic for most of this post. So so sorry!
Not at all. I welcome stories from women about their breastfeeding experiences, good or bad. I think there are some great lessons in your story for other moms who might be preparing to breastfeed. I often talk about how important it is to have the support of others and your story helps to reinforce that. Thank you.
[...] when Twitter and the lactivist blogosphere exploded over an op-ed from the UK that, among other things, said breastfeeding felt [...]
Maybe it's too difficult for me to wrap my mind around someone thinking it's creepy, because I just can't accept it! It's in our NATURE, it's how we were created to nurture our babies. Fine if someone doesn't choose to feed their baby that way, but they absolutely should not continue to belittle those that do breastfeed- we know most people are doing so just to validate their choice NOT to.
Steph
I have heard of women having terrible flashbacks from their experiences of sexual abuse during births though.. which is mind-blowingly awful.
Just to let you ladies know that Scotland protects NIP up to 2 years of age. I don't know why England plumped for 6 months.
I have read the article on line and was extremely disgusted by her attitude. She seemed completely irresponsible and didn't have a clue what she was talking about. The only positive I can see from the article is that a lot of people from both sides of the debate are in agreement for once, she has painted ALL mothers no matter their feeding choice in a very bad light.
Arwen - I read your blog and found it very interesting. It's not something I have ever experienced myself but I quite imagine that it does happen. It's pleasurable when partner touches you in that way, your body doesn't know the difference. Maybe it's a natural response to further bond us to our babies, the hormones released during breastfeeding are the same but in different quantities as the hormone released during female orgasm, which bonds us to our partners to allow us to build a relationship in which to raise the resulting children. Maybe I'm the weird one for not experiencing what you did, or maybe I did but didn't notice it - sorry to embarass anyone with this but since having my children and nursing both of them (I was a c-section with both), while having erotic dreams I have been able to orgasm in my sleep with no stimulation at all, maybe this is a side effect.
We like to think we're a modern society who has moved on from our basic natures but maybe if we were more in touch with these basic urges and drives then we would have less problems.
"The making, having, and feeding of babies is all inherently – *viscerally* – sexual. Acknowledging it is a million worlds away from, like, being pervy about it, people!!"
Yup, I'm with Linda and FoxyKate. Those are perfectly normal sensations--and those "zings" to your southern regions are part of the healing process after childbirth.
Great article. Society is warped - I responded to a tweet this weekend about a woman whose SIL was told that breastfeeding wasn't done "there" by another woman. It was some amusement park - Kings Island.
The issue of breastfeeding and sexuality is an important topic that all too few experts address. One who does is Dr. Wendy Lee Walsh, a psychologist and attachment parenting specialist who writes for Momlogic.com. See the third heading in this article: http://www.drwendywalsh.com/articles/sex-and-the-breastfeeding-mother.php
Wow. The formula marketers really are winning if they've got the journalists doing their job for free :(
(I should ad, I have felt since my rough start nursing my first that moms SHOULD be honest about the realities of bf. It doesn't come easily to many of us (what with all the misinfo out there), and we don't all get the warm fuzzies. But I'd love to see more success stories e.g. bf sucked, but then I got help! Here's how you can too! Or, I don't love every second of it, but here's why I'm doing it anyway.)
Uh, I meant "add" of course. Freudian slip?
Very well thought out and written and I've found everyone's comments and reactions to be very insightful.
I guess I'm in the camp of believing that we are sexual beings through and through--there is no separation. I was raised strict Catholic and had to do a lot of work over the years to let go of guilt associated with sexual feelings and my sexuality in general and have arrived in a place where simply being alive feels like a creative, sexual expression. I've had all sorts of feelings breastfeeding: calmness, contentedness, frustration, sexual, guilt, anger, sadness, nostlagia, joy. I try to just honor whatever comes up, explore it if need be and check-in to see if I'm still comfortable with the nursing relationship we have created at the given moment.
I'm not saying it's not tricky. We are set up in quite the taboo of a society and I'm really glad we are here exploring these tough topics. It's not as easy as black and white. There is no right way to feed your baby. There is no right way to feel while you are feeding your baby. I think nursing is the normal, biological continuum of birth and being alive as humans and therefore I support a society who sees it as normal and healthy.
OK, but your citation is your blog....I'm not saying your blog is not good, but can you cite the references? The actual places this information comes from. I look forward to the citations, it will be invaluable to me and all the readers of this blog, as well as those who may read what we might write, which is to say I encourage all those who champion this idea [truth] to write their own blogs, editorials, etc. to show the general public why breastfeeding is best.
[...] (posted below) as well as finding numerous blogs which have been commenting on the subject (ie. Society is creepy (not breastfeeding)). I feel the Kathryn completely missed the point, that not only formula feeding mothers feel [...]
Yes, the magazine makes its money from ads from formula companies - not for under-6 months formula, that would be illegal in the UK, but for follow-on (after 6 mths) formula and weaning 'foods' etc. This article is the usual backlash to our UK Breastfeeding Week: it's becoming a ritual! I wonder how the journalists and formula companies choose who to write it each year? Boozy dinner party, short straws? (answers on a postcard please!)
Those who want to see research and facts and mothers' feelings honoured around sexual feelings whilst breastfeeding - read Breastfeeding Older Children by Ann Sinnott! Ann talked to thousands of women in many countries and got varied responses, her book is scholarly, passionate and fascinating. You can get it from www.babymilkaction.co.uk (anywhere in the world).
The citation is an article on my blog that cites specific references. I write a lot about breastfeeding and I'm not going to repeat all the research in every single post. That is why I link to other posts.
"Fun bags" sounds like something a nursing preschooler would come up with. Just sayin.
Also, I agree with every point you've made in your post.
You are so right - society is creepy and we should strive to change the way breasts are perceived. Breasts are dual-fuction body parts, like mouths or penises, and we shouldn't have to sacrifice sexuality to feed our children.
That said, I'm getting most upset by the constant comments of "it's a woman's personal choice." With the plethora of choice in our world comes the responsibility to choose wisely. When you look at all the health benefits for both mom and baby, PLUS the long-term health, environmental and economic consequences on a global scale, formula is not a product that should exist. Heck, it was only invented within the last century and a half due to the advent of pasteurization to line the pockets of whey producers!
If you want to help change the way society perceives breasts, visit www.no-cones.blogspot.com or join No Cones on Facebook.
No Cones:
There are plenty of products that shouldn't exist if this was a perfect world. However, it isn't. Just as no one is able to make perfect choices all the time about what they eat, how much exercise they get, how they treat the environment, and so on, I don't expect mothers to be able to make perfect choices all of the time about how to feed their babies. In a perfect world, all babies would be breastfed. This is not a perfect world.
The "but I use my breasts for sexing!" argument just falls so flat for me.
We use a lot of parts of ourselves for sex, and they have other functions too, even the overtly sexual "private" parts of ourselves. Is a guy supposed to feel creeped out every time he whips it out to pee? Am I supposed to be creeped out by inserting a tampon? What about holding a flashlight?
But that may bring up an interesting divide between how sexual acts and parts are viewed differently between the genders. I haven't asked a guy if he feels confused, or or like peeing is stealing from the sexual nature of his penis when he pees, but I do know that they can't really do "turned on" and "urinating" at the same time. I do know that tampons are stigmatized, and it probably has to do with ideas that the vagina belongs to the penis for sex, and anything else is an intrusion.
So to me, the idea that breastfeeding is creepy is part of a continued notion that women's bodies are for sex, and other functions that interfere with that need not apply. If a woman does not want to breastfeed, or does not feel comfortable doing so, I am not going to tell her she has to, but the woman making that comment freely admits that she hasn't even taken the time to think about or challenge the notion that her breasts are fun bags and the child is entering a realm that only belongs to the sensual.
We owe it to ourselves to at least think through why we feel what we do about our bodies.
Annie, I love this post.
You make so many excellent points. I cringed while reading the article in question. Arrrg. I mean, I am all for honesty, but I agree with you that as an editor or a major publication, she needs to take some responsibility for the cultural memes she's perpetuating. Just because I formula feed does not mean I get any less angry at the mixed messages women are sent about breastfeeding. It KILLS me. How the hell can we tell women to breastfeed for no shorter than a year and then make them feel uncomfortable doing so in public? And I hate the people assume, just because I try and write from a formula feeder's perspective, that I agree with their ignorant, sexist, close-minded attitudes towards breastfeeding. I am so glad there are smart women out there like you changing public perception.
Also, thank you for acknowledging that while breastfeeding has definitely shown to be superior in a myriad of ways, that the decision to do so is not made in a vacuum. That is honestly all I am asking from anyone.
Sorry, one more thing... while I entirely understand the anger directed at this article and its author, I'd ask your readers to please not throw all of us journalists out with the proverbial bathwater. Yes, for an EDITOR to write something like this is a bit strange, especially if there are a good deal of formula ads running rampant in her publication, but I don't think we can/should write off every article that can be perceived as "anti-breastfeeding" (b/c in my opinion, something like "The Case Against Breastfeeding" was just a writer expressing a different POV, and it was, in the end, clearly an opinion piece, and one that gave voice to a shamed and silenced minority in this country of women who hated breastfeeding but still did it, or couldn't and needed to hear that maybe, just maybe, their babies weren't going to be significantly stupider or fatter or unhealthier because of it) as being a mouthpiece for the formula industry, or just some "bitter woman's" attack on those who succeeded where she failed.
It belittles the debate at large, which is an important one, and one which I honestly believe will lead to happier, healthier nursing relationships down the line. These are growing pains for the lactivist movement, and the backlash, while very real, is against fear tactics/pressure/guilt, not breastfeeding.
I had an acquaintance who weaned her baby (at 13 mos) so she "could drink." I wondered how much she drank? I have no problem having a glass or two of wine - I just tweaked the timing of the nursing or drinking. ;-) Besides, parenting with a hang-over really, really, sucks.
My mother and grandmothers never nursed. Their boobs hung just from pregnancy. But, ahem, my spinster child-free great-aunts - guess what? - theirs hung, too! I cannot stand that this myth is perpetuated - and was even published in "The Baby Whisperer" - which discredited her entire book, imo.
If someone bottle-feeds, for whatever reason, they should just own it, and not spread perverted misinformation. In fact, I take issue with the frequent alignment of breastfeeding as "just doing something natural." While I agree that "it is natural," the next statement by your opponent is that so is defecation and fornication - yet we don't want to see that in public. Breastfeeding is merely how babies *eat.* Period.
Cheers - loved your article!
Paula:
That isn't the only thing that discredits the Baby Whisperer book. It is horrible through and through.
And then there are those of us who have never suffered sexual abuse in the past, but felt as though we were being raped during childbirth. I still have nightmares about being drugged, stripped naked, tied to a table, and assaulted by a gang of strangers while I lay there crying and screaming hysterically - that was my experience of c-section. A birth doesn't have to be vaginal to involve extremely visceral, extremely sexual implications. I am still trying to recover some sense of normalcy in sex two and a half years later.
[...] PhD in Parenting has an excellent break-down of the problems with that ‘creepy’ editorial. [...]
My husband isn't much of a boob man (which was part of the attraction for me - I was sporting a 32F when I started high school at age 14 so a guy who could tell me the color of my eyes on the first date was rather refreshing). Hands play a much larger part of our sexual play - touching, fondling, stroking, being sucked on, etc.... so... should I be grossed out every time I see him tenderly pick up our newborn or tickle our 3 and 6 year olds? Should I not be allowed to change my baby's diapers or wipe my other son's butts after they defecate, or bathe them, since they're boys and I might accidentally (or by necessity) touch their not-yet-sexually-used penis while cleaning them? Seriously, we're all made of multifunction parts and almost all of them are required for parenting at one point or another (conception onward). The most important of these erotic organs that needs to be frequently used in parenting? The brain.
I have to state that I nursed 3 babies for well over a year each and never had pain. Never had an orgasm during childbirth, either ;)
Touche. :-) Really, the *only* way for babies to sleep is in a crib, in their own room? The notion of babies having their own rooms is a ridiculously elitist "modern" view. In all the "big" families I knew growing up, or my parents' families, no *child* ever had their own room. Sometimes babies stayed in a drawer, or a cradle next to the parents. And if you were a guest, there was a "guest room:" the foldout sofa in the living room. I threw The Baby Whisperer in the trash - didn't even want to donate to spare someone else the time.
I disagree. I think it's vital to the debate to be aware of just how much influence marketing has over us (if it didn't, the formula makers wouldn't be doing so much of it), and journalists writing anti-breastfeeding articles in publications targetted at parents are feeding into the marketing machine. Saying breastfeeding is "creepy" is anti-woman, as far as I'm concerned, considering no matter what choice a mother makes, feeding infants IS actually what breasts are for. An article focusing on breasts as "fun bags" and nothing more is not a counter-measure to fear tactics of the lactivist movement. Breastfeeding rates are already appalling low, the majority of moms already use formula at some point in the first year, the last thing moms-to-be need to read about (again) is how much breastfeeding sucks from a perceived "parenting expert", complete with misinformation and no suggestions for how to get past some of the not-so-awesome parts of nursing.
I have to add, in regards to the possibility of sexual feelings while nursing, I once (many, many years ago) saw some stupid TV cop show in which the criminal had some warped relationship with his mother, who admitted to having orgasms when she'd nursed him as a child. I was horrified -- I assumed I would breastfeed but was afraid of such a thing happening, I'd never heard of that. When I was actually pregnant, I read The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy, and again, read that bf felt good, as in "good sex good". Why had no one ever told me this? Again, I was almost scared off by this information. So imagine my surprise when nursing was nothing like that FOR ME. In fact, I felt guilty BECAUSE I didn't get any warm fuzzies, and was actually somewhat annoyed by nursing at times. What was wrong with me, what was I missing? I still nursed my first until 2.5, because it was what he needed, and am currently nursing my 2.75 year old. But I've been known to say I never loved the actual act of nursing :(
So I agree, there needs to be more study and discussion of what is "normal" when it comes to feelings and emotions around nursing, so we aren't all wondering "what's wrong with me?" when it's not like the books say it will be.
It depends on what phase of nusring, if it is a younger baby, pumping for those missed feedings to keep supply up and lessen engorgement related to missed feedings is necessary. For an older baby that sleeps through the night it isn't quite so necessay unless you wake up still drunk. Either way, drinking isn't healthy. It burns me up that some of these mothers are still in the id stage after having a baby and that is what is wrong with society today, that is what is making it so "creepy!!!"
Of course this isn't a perfect world, but we can strive to make it better. This is one thing (increasing breastfeeding rates) that could have so much ripple effect on a macro level - for better health, for a greater respect for the wisdom of nature, for environmental sustainability - right down to the micro level of a more balanced body image for individual women who feel they don't measure up because they don't have melon-like "fun bags" attached to their chests.
Please know I am not and would never disparage any individual women's choice or opinion, because I recognize it was made in this imperfect world. But as a citizen who cares about our world, I am compelled to try to open the eyes of both men and women to pay attention to this issue.
Andrea,
I agree with you - sorry if I wasn't more clear in my comment. I think this particular article was atrocious, I really do. It's a different animal, though, than "The Case Against Breastfeeding" or others of that ilk. I was just trying to plead on behalf of journalists (being one myself) and explaining that opinion pieces sometimes truly ARE opinion pieces and not simple propaganda from the formula companies. I think it's an important distinction, b/c then you're crawling over that line of censorship, and that ain't good, no matter how you cut it.
I just think this particular piece was utter crap, and bad journalism. That's a different issue, and an important one, but just as I wouldn't let one of the hundreds of badly written/researched pieces/blogs/sites on breastfeeding destroy my opinion of all journalism/breastfeeding support websites, I would hope we could all give the "other side" the same respect. That's all.
That was seriously a badly-written article! Is she Seriously an editor? That is just really hard to believe.
ummm...'fun bags'. yeaaaaah. How old is this woman? She sounds kind of like a 17-year-old to me. Actually, that's not fair to the 17-year-olds I know; they are more mature than that.
I don't see why breastfeeding has to interfere with sexuality at all- it seems to me that all push-up bras are made to make a woman look like she's lactating, so I might as well be. haha.
For me personally, breastfeeding doesn't feel distinctly sexual, but it does make me happy and I get that warm/fuzzy feeling from knowing that my baby knows where she can go to be taken care of :).
Andrea, the lack of warm fuzzies is precisely what my stalled article for API Speaks is about! And no doula or LC will aknowledge, at least so far, that this is a way that MANY breastfeeding women feel. I certianly did, but it wasn't until recently when I started asking around how much I realized that is DOES happen. I thought I was the only one. I continued for a lot of reasons--to lower my chances of breast cancer, to hopefully keep my kids healthier, and yes, because I didn't want to pay for formula. I'd love to discuss it with you (and anyone else interested) if you're game. greatwallsofbaltimore at yahoo dot com. I'd appreciate it.
Kayris and Andrea, Has anybody checked your babies for tongue-tie? I have a kind of hunch that mild undiagnosed tongue-tie could maybe give the mother a bit of discomfort and interfere a bit with the release of the 'warm, fuzzy' hormones. I'd love to know if my vague idea has any basis in fact! (We know how devastating tongue-tie can be if it has a severe effect on the breastfeeding and/or the mother's tender parts!)
Agreed. You state your points so intelligently and thoughtfully. Thank you for educating women about breastfeeding and why it matters so much to societies (and to individuals).
My babies are now almost 6 years and almost 4 years. But no, neither was tongue tied. Both thrived. Both were excellent nursers. I just didn't like it.
Amazing and intelligent conversation ladies. I'm going to link this to my FB account.
I nursed 4 children-why? Because when I was six I was washing the baby bottles and formula equipment for my newborn sister and thought "there must be a better way to feed a baby".
For #1 I sat in toilet stalls in department stores and when I needed to nurse him at the local international fair I took one look at the washroom and turned around and sat in front of the exhibits of quilts and nursed. It was 1980 and I only had two comments about my feeding in public, from two older women who said something about it being nice to see. It is important that a mother has support, no matter what method is used to nourish the baby. Just make an intelligent choice that is right for you.
I take exception to Blundell's article also, I found it juvenile and ignorant. If it was a letter to the editor or a guest article she would still be considered off-based but by being an editor of a magazine for NEW mothers brings a whole new realm of irresponsibility to the article.
I think what needs further clarfification is the erroneous belief that you can't nurse a baby soon after you have consumed alcohol. If you drink until the legal limit, your breastmilk contains 0.08% alcohol, because alcohol enters your milk as it does your blood. So the myth that your baby will get drunk or harmed by drinking the breastmilk of a mother who is tipsy continues. (Outright drunk of course is a danger to the baby. But unless you are separated from your baby, there is no need to pump)
In fact, to drink to the level at which your milk would be at the level of a non-alcoholic beer or, say, fruit juice, you'd be dead.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_alcohol_content
I once in a while have 1-3 glasses of wine with my partner and then nurse my baby. One of my kids didn't like the taste and got fussy, the other two showed no effects at all.
The misinformation on this issue is similar to the western attitudes that you can NEVER EVER EVER YOU BAD MOTHER drink while you're pregnant, b/c we proscribe absolute abstinence to somehow protect those who don't understand moderation.
And I also beg to differ with above commenters, there are many studies which show health benefits to moderate consumption of alcohol.
Donna:
The link that I provided in my post provides that information:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/06/27/2009/07/08/you-should-not-be-drunk-while-caring-for-your-baby/
Essentially, if you are sober enough to be caring for your child you are more than sober enough to breastfeed.
[...] PhD in Parenting: Society is creepy (not breastfeeding) [...]
I just want to say that in my opinion the pleasurable sensations while breastfeeding are a positive thing! Why do we have to feel guilty or weird that the stimulation of a baby suckling can produce sensations throughout the body that could be perceived as quite lovely if we let ourselves?? I am a female. That is my sex. My breasts are sexual. Breastfeeding is part of my sexuality. Breastfeeding feels good.
[...] Society is creepy (not breastfeeding) posted at PhD in Parenting. [...]
[...] woman should be attacked for how she feels about or utilises her breasts. Raising My Boychick and PhD in Parenting blogged compellingly in response to this provocative article that labelled breastfeeding [...]
I am coming to this late, as I came across it through another blog on quite another topic - oh, how the internet does drag one in!
I have to say something here, though. There have been a lot of talk on this comment thread about women's 'choice' to bottle-feed their babies, including the person who thinks that formula should not exist. I, for one, am glad that it does exist, because without it, my healthy, happy 11 year old would have starved to death within weeks of her birth.
I wanted to breastfeed, I support breastfeeding and I tried to breastfeed - and I did. But not for as long as I would have liked, and not exclusively, because I simply didn't have enough milk and on top of that, I had so many problems with it that it got to a point where it was a choice between both my baby and me being in tears multiple times a day, or just giving her the bottle.
Now, all you breast-feeding lovers out there, don't start with me. I have had people - women - do it to my face. The supercilious, half-pitying, half-condemnatory smile, combined with the talk. The one that says if I had just known more, or tried harder, I could have made it work and that I am what is wrong with the modern world, one of those women who is too selfish, too interested in myself and too little interested in my baby to make the right CHOICE. (they didn't always say the last bit, but it was definitely implied). I knew plenty and asked for and received help and tried cheerfully (and desperately, depending on the day and time) to increase my milk supply and to resolve the problems. IT DIDN'T WORK. And yes, I am saying that loudly because I know that there will be some out there, who no matter how loudly I say it, won't believe me. I know it because I have met them in person.
I am thrilled for people who find breastfeeding easy or who find it difficult at first but that it gets easier. I am a passionate supporter of breast-feeding education and support programs. I am also a passionate and vocal advocate for breastfeeding in public, anywhere and any time the baby needs feeding. I admit to finding it a little weird and off-putting if the child is over about 3 (years, not months). But I still support people's right to do it if it is what works for them and their child.
And I would like the same respect shown back to me, if it's all the same to you. I didn't CHOOSE not to breastfeed - at least not in the perjorative sense that it is often used in these conversations. This wasn't about falling victim to societal expectations, nor was it about my own convenience. Anyone who has spent a minimum of 90 minutes on ever single feed, because they have to breastfeed until they are dry, then prepare and heat a bottle to comp feed, then start up again less than an hour later, because they are not over-feeding, so the baby will feed more often to try to stimulate their milk supply, is not motivated by their own convenience. Anyone who has cut their diet back to the blandest of bland foods because their baby has (apparently) silent reflux and reacts to everything up to and including broccoli (it was the only possible thing, that time) is not motivated by their own convenience.
I didn't stop breastfeeding becuase I didn't have enough milk (although I didn't, and no amount of demand feeding seemed to help). I stopped breastfeeding because my breastmilk made my baby scream in agony, even when it was expressed and given to her in a bottle (so it wasn't about attachment). I stopped breastfeeding because my enjoyment of my baby and my ability to be a good mother was compromised by the physical and emotional agony experienced by both of us in trying to breastfeed. And yes, it was agony. I am in tears now, remembering what it was like and it was 11 years ago.
So I would like all of you who are self-congratulatory of yourselves for doing it and judgemental of others for not (I do realise it is not everyone here, but I bet it's some of you) to consider that the breast-feeding/non breast-feeding line is not some kind of moral divide, with good people on one side and bad, selfish people on the other. Or smart/well-informed people on one side and stupid/uninformed people on the other. I would also like you to consider that mental health and emotional well-being are as important to the mother/baby relationship as the physical benefits of breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding is natural and breastfeeding is good. These are facts. But it does not follow that those who can't or don't do it, or who have difficulty with it, or who struggle with, or can't handle, the responses it elicits are unnatural or bad.
And that's all I have to say, really.
PS - except that I also agree that breasts are sexualised - and, I would argue, objectified - in Western culture to the point where any use of them that isn't for male titillation is seen to be odd and that this is a terrible shame and something to be fought, not just for baby's benefit, but for that of our girls and boys who deserve better than to be brought up in a world where women's bodies are objectified.
Imelda:
Thank you for your detailed comment. I do agree with much of it and you may also enjoy my post on why http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/07/01/i-wont-ask-you-why-you-didnt-breastfeed/" rel="nofollow">I won't ask you why you didn't breastfeed.
I did want to say, however, that I don't think that being self-congratulatory and being judgmental of others necessarily go hand in hand. I am proud of my accomplishments. http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/12/29/our-breastfeeding-story/" rel="nofollow">Overcoming significant breastfeeding difficulties with my son is one of my biggest accomplishments (everyone said it couldn't be done, everyone said I should just give up and pump or give formula, it was a huge struggle). I am proud of that in the same way that I am proud of my educational and professional accomplishments. But I don't think that means that anyone who hasn't accomplished the same thing is a lesser person. I know that other people have accomplished other things that I never will. We are each unique and have different interests, priorities and abilities.
Thank you for replying. I realise that this boat (in terms of the coversation) has sailed, so it's nice that someone paid attention.
You SHOULD be proud of making it work, if it was hard for you. I understand how big an achievement that is and I am pleased for you and your baby that you did it. Go you! You have earned that pride. I didn't mean to imply that self-congratulation and judgement necessarily go hand in hand and I think it is probably less likely to in people who have struggled. That wasn't the kind of self-congratulation I meant.
But I have found that this is like so many areas in parenting, where some people who find breastfeeding (or whatever it is) easy tend to think that those who don't just can't be trying hard enough. It's like women who have never experienced a child who runs looking down their noses at the woman with the toddler on reins. I find it disappointing that women who would never dream of commenting on another woman's career path feel perfectly free to judge them - and not just practically, but morally, and without any care for walking in their shoes - for their actions as mothers. My hope is that we can get past this. We will never achieve higher rates of breastfeeding while women feel that it is just another thing that they can fail at and be judged about. While the judging is out there, the embattled mentality will also be out there and we will continue to waste time and energy flinging abuse at each other, when we should be supporting each other.
None of which excuses the editor that this was originally about. I have edited a magazine and I took the responsibility of that position seriously. She dropped that responsibility ball badly in this instance.