Oh those technology obsessed neglectful parents...
Thursday, June 17, 2010 We all have good days and bad days. Some days are full of smiles and laughter. Other days are full of arguments and frustration.
There are always moments when the kids come first and moments when something else has to come first. That happens on both good days and bad days.
We cannot make our kids disappear when we are having a bad day. They get to see us struggle, whether we like it or not. There are bad sides to that and good sides to it. But ultimately, it is life, which is not all roses all the time. Pretending that it is, does our kids a disservice.
We also cannot always make our kids disappear when we have something else to do. That can be as simple and short as going to the bathroom, signing for a parcel, or tying a shoe. Or it can be longer and more involved like hanging up the laundry, doing the grocery shopping, or participating in a conference call.
Some people keep their kids and their life as separate as possible. They do whatever it takes to ensure that the time they spend with their children is focused 100% on their children. If they need to or want to work, do errands, clean the house, go on a date night, or hang out with friends, they have school, day care, nannies, babysitters, play dates, sleepovers and more all lined up to ensure that their kids are not around. But how many minutes does that really leave in a day or in a week for parents to spend with their children?
Other parents prefer to have their kids around as they go about their lives. They may do this out of necessity (cannot afford to call on others to care for their children) or they may do it out of preference. They may believe that it is useful for their children to see them going about their day and that they may learn a thing or two about real life as they do that. They may feel that it is easier to find those special moments with their children and to connect with their children when they can happen at any moment, between other activities, rather than at prescribed parent-child bonding time.
Most people, at least in my socioeconomic cohort, probably find themselves somewhere in between. They often take the kids to the grocery store, but revel in the opportunity to go alone every once in a while. They frequently have kids underfoot when cleaning the house or preparing a meal, but seize the opportunity to have the grandparents snatch the kids away for a day so that they can get things done. They use a day care service or school to care for their kids during the main hours of the work day, but may still need to fire off an e-mail or take a call or two outside of business hours. They plan "me time" where they can go on a date or visit with a friend without the kids, but also enjoy connecting with their partner or socializing with their friends in the presence of their children.
Why am I telling you all of this?
The vilification of parenting and technology
It used to be the soaps, now it's twitter on the iphone. Mom should tune out and focus on the kids. It used to be the big game on TV, now it is checking the sports stats on the Internet. Dad should turn off the computer and focus on the kids. It used to be long hours at the office, now it is daring to bring work home. Parents should work fewer hours, leave work at work, turn off the gadgets, and focus on the kids. This is the mantra, from the media and from know-it-all onlookers. Whether they are using an extreme example as a strawman ("This could be YOU!") or wagging their finger at anyone who dares try to touch technology in the presence of their children, it exists (and the two approaches feed off of each other). This is the mantra of those who do not understand how important technology has become.
I'm writing about this because I've seen friends discussing articles in well respected newspapers that were a full on attack on technology use during family time. I'm writing about this because a number of my friends have recently been feeling guilty about the role that technology plays in their lives. I'm writing this because (un)helpful commenters on this blog have suggested that I focus on my kids instead of spending so much time at my computer and even suggested someone should call Child Protective Services. And, I'm writing this because a friend has had multiple strangers make comments this past week about her using her blackberry in the presence of her children.
Our kids are part of our lives and not always conveniently tucked away when we have other things to do. Technology is part of our lives and is not always conveniently tucked away when we are with the kids.
Technology and the working parent
Technology has allowed a lot more parents to re-enter the workforce and still manage to have a significant presence in their children's lives. Without technology, more parents would be forced to choose between being present or having a career. Parents manage to balance the two by starting their own at-home business or by taking on flexible jobs that allow them to work some or all of the time from home. Employers and clients often expect people, including parents to be checking their e-mails and voice mails outside of regular business hours in case something urgent comes up. In return, a lot of them will allow employees to take a few hours, a day, a couple of days, or a week off to spend time with their family when that may not otherwise have been possible. My career depends on technology and has allowed me to spend the spring and summer as a full-time mom with my kids in Berlin, Germany while still doing work for a few key clients. My father's career (and probably many of our fathers careers) depended on him being at work almost all of the time and made it difficult to escape for even the shortest of family vacations. Parents should not feel bad for having to check their gadgets while in the presence of their children, if it means that they can keep their job and spend quality time with their families.
Technology and the human parent
Technology is a lifeline, in both practical and emotional terms.
Whether using a reputable website to find out whether your child's fever warrants a visit to the hospital, finding out what time the lactation consultant drop-in clinic is, registering for mom and tot yoga, or ordering clothing for your children, turning to technology can save parents lots of time and hassle. Instead of dragging your kids to the mall to buy clothes, you can make a few clicks on the computer while they happily play with their toys. The number of car rides, line-ups, phone calls, and other time sucking activities that can be saved by quickly checking something online is amazing. This creates more time for parents and kids to spend together.
A lot of new stay-at-home parents feel isolated. Especially if they have a child who is dependent on a specific routine (nap has to be at home at a certain time), those parents can feel trapped. Technology creates an opportunity for them to connect with other parents online. Having the opportunity to speak with other like minded parents on the Internet over the course of the day often provides a welcome break from speaking with a two year old. As much as parents love their tots, going 10 hours or more without any adult conversation can trigger loneliness, depression, anxiety and more, especially on the bad days. Technology also provides parents with the opportunity to record their feelings, which can be therapeutic. Whether this is done in a private journal, a public blog, or something in between, computers are a more efficient way of capturing information than in a hand written diary (although those certainly do have their own appeal too).
Why do people judge parents and technology?
How is technology different from anything else that may take parents' attention off of their offspring for a couple of seconds? Is it more acceptable to take my attention away from them to bake them cookies than to do paid work? Is it more acceptable to talk to a friend in person than online? Is it okay to read a romance novel while my kids play quietly at my feet, but not okay to read a feminist blog? I think part of the problem is that technology has invaded our lives, but people's image of what a parent should be and look like has not evolved with it. Technology is no longer something we do just when the kids are in bed or just when at work. Technology is a tool that we use for all aspects of our lives, all day long.
Yes, there are some people who use technology more than others. In some cases that is a combination of necessity and convenience. Someone who has a tech job, who gets most of their information online (instead of in newspapers, phone books, cook books, and encyclopedias), whose friends are all online, and who prefers to online entertainment to tired old TV programming (especially in the summer...yawn), will spend a lot of time online without it being abnormal to do so. That person is not necessarily addicted to technology, they just rely on it for more different parts of their lives.
There are people with technology addictions too. But if those people were not addicted to technology, chances are they would be addicted to something else. Their addiction may need treatment, but that doesn't mean that everyone who touches a blackberry in the presence of their children is going to spiral downward into a tech addiction any more than someone who has a glass of wine in the presence of their children is going to become an alcoholic.
Connecting with our kids
We all need to take time to connect with our kids. We need those special one-on-one uninterrupted moments. But we also need to live our lives and our children need to see us living our lives. The way that they learn how to become adults is by watching us be adults. The image of a normal adult that I want to pass on to my children, is of a mother who cares deeply about her children and takes the time to connect with them, but who balances that with a rewarding career and personal interests. I don't want to model the perfect mom who doesn't exist and hide the rest of my life from my kids. I want to model the balanced (and sometimes unbalanced) normal mom who loves them very much. And today, part of normal = tech user. It is time for society to realize that.
Values and tagged with blackberry, computer, hands-free parenting, iphone, technology 
Reader Comments (103)
Tipper:
The line about soaps was one in a lengthy blog post. My broader message (and one where the soaps example doesn't apply at all), is that technology is an element of so many parts of our lives now that it isn't really just one thing to cut out.
With regards to your comment that "she is not learning how to run a household, which is the big benefit to having children hanging around while you clean or cook", I'm not sure that is entirely true. Cleaning and cooking are certainly part of the household. But so is earning an income, paying the bills, finding recipes, planning our activities, checking the bus schedule, keeping in touch with relatives, and more. Those are all things that I do online and that my children see me doing online.
That said, I agree that balance and moderation are key. But I think each person needs to find that for themselves. No one needs a snarky comment from a stranger in public because they dared check an e-mail on their blackberry at the playground.
cagey:
I have thought about getting one of those cheap netbook laptops for my kids at some point. We're not ready yet, but I do think that early computer literacy is important. They do already use computers at school at elementary school and I don't think extra practice at home would hurt, as long as it isn't taking away from other important activities.
Amy @ Taste Like Crazy:
I'm glad you liked the graphic. I had so many images flying around my head that I thought of using, so it is nice to hear that the approach I chose resonated with someone.
As usual I agree with about 90% of what you are saying ;)
I wrote briefly about this on my LeapFrog community blog and have been percolating a longer post for about a year now.
I completely agree that there is an element of criticism here that seems to be specific to parents and especially to mothers and what is the legitimate pursuit of mothers.
And yet, the Internet is very different in our lives that face-to-face or even telephone interaction.
I believe those differences increase the risks of Internet addiction and that stay at home parents may be especially vulnerable.
The Internet is more interactive than television and it gives positive feedback to the users that keep them coming back for more. On the Internet, you can get a lot of the positive affirmation that you might otherwise get from co-workers or bosses or clients at an office job.
Screen time is different in general than face to face interaction--more difficult to break away from and also less likely to draw the child into the conversation.
Unlike the telephone, I can find friends online any time.
I can reach out to a whole network of people throughout the world.
I can be anyone I want to be.
This can be very addictive, especially for someone who has found herself losing a big piece of her identity in motherhood.
If I were at work in an office environment, I would be interacting with my children even less--although I would be paying someone else to interact with them even more. With my first, the computer was not even on if she was awake. With my second, all the conflicting demands on my time have made that impossible. Still, I try to only do essential tasks when he is awake. Where is the point at which the benefit of having a parent home outweighs the amount of time that parent is busy on the computer? Obviously that has to be up to the individual family...and these articles you point to *are* way too quick to judge. But is it terrible to even suggest we ask ourselves that question?
All of this is not to say that there is not a very misogynist and judgmental strain to the recent criticisms or that I think that most moms are Internet-addicted.
I'm just noting that I think this new technology carries both great benefits and also some unique pitfalls to guard against.
I think I self regulate my tech usage well. Partially because we only have one working computer that does not have many programs working on it. We also only have one old style cell phone between us where the photo taker is even broken. I hate to text and talk on the phone so I avoid that.
I am on the computer too much. I have a newborn and I love to hunt and peck while I nurse. My other two do need more one on one time but I'm plum exausted at this point and just need a break while I nurse her a few time a day.
Interesting and well written post, A. That picture to me, though, kind of showed me that the moms were, although talking to eachother, still focused in the 'here and now' - being outside, taking a walk with their kids. I am so guilty of checking my iphone all the time when I'm with the kids... and I hate it. But then again, I am not the mom who parks herself on a park bench (not saying that's wrong; it's just not me.) and chats non-stop with the other moms. I'm in the sand, on the slide, and on the swings with my boys. When I'm with them, for the most part, I'm with them. I do, however, check my phone for updates, but quickly. I've tried blogging when my kids are awake - does not work for me. I need to be alone, after they go to bed, or at work. Sure, I think it's okay to be on the computer when the kids are around, but not if they're calling/crying/needing you and your attention. I think there is certainly a happy medium, you know? I realize I'm lucky (some might say) to work full time outside of the home, where I'm able to sit, without children around, and type, blog, work, write, edit. I work full time outside the home and my mom, inlaws and grandparents take care of my boys. So the guilt is less, although there. So for me, when I come home, I need to be WITH my kids. Not online. Not on the phone with friends, but with my kids. For me, this is what I want and what I need. I hate going out at night during the week b/c I hate to leave my boys. I hate missing their bath and reading and bed time. GOD BlogHer is going to kill me... how will I do it, two nights without them? Sigh. Sorry, I'm going on and on here...
Amen!
I wouldn't say that I perfectly balance my technology use with parenting. But then, I wouldn't say I balance hardly anything with parenting all that well. Kids defy balance. While I do strive to get better at this, it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. Not by a long shot.
Thank you for this post Annie.
Technology, the internet specifically, has helped me live a much happier life than I would have otherwise these last 8 years. My family has been pulling up stakes and shifting ourselves to new cities with regularity. I have an 11 year old who has lived in 7 different cities. Technology has allowed me to nurture long-term friendships and connections that have sustained me through those difficult early months in a new city where I knew no one and was forced to put myself out there to make new friends. Technology, in this sense, has made me a much better parent than I might otherwise have been at points in these past years.
Also, my children are learning the value of technology in maintaining THEIR friendships and family relationships. We've even gotten past the point where every Skype video phone call is an exercise in silliness. During any given week they reach out multiple times to connect with people important to them using the same technology I do.
I'm a bit like someone well up the comments thread. I do not have internet connection on my blackberry. That's a line I've drawn for myself. It's the right line for me right now but I'm clear that it's not the right line for everyone and it might not be the right line for me down the road.
Carol:
I know exactly what you mean. Here in Berlin, the Internet has been a huge lifeline for me. I spend all day, every day with my kids and enjoy it immensely. But outside of my husband, I don't have any real strong adult connections here. However, knowing that I can go online to find my friends makes that okay. Sure, if we were staying here forever I would take the time to meet more people in real life and develop friendships, but I can't expect to form lifelong bonds with people in Berlin when we're just here for a few months.
Even at home in Canada, having small children and not being willing to hire babysitters all the time, means that I can't be the social butterfly I would like to be. So I flock to the Internet to socialize in the evening when they are asleep or if they are busy doing other things.
Like the author points out, technology is just a tool, like any other that we have been using since the rock (or stick, which ever came first). The problem is that many people in this new tech generation have little understanding of their own habits and how unhealthy they might be, hence the perception (probably quite true) of parents that spend too much time connected yet absolutely disconnected. This isn't just a parenting problem though, but a newly formed societal one. It depends on how much, when and how technology is being used.
The picture in this blog says a lot though. Studies are still all over the board when it comes to radiation from phones and wireless, but I sure as hell would not have any kind of wireless device that emits radiation so close to such a young infant in the prime of their physical development (especially their brain). This is what people are more talking about.
Same here, it is pretty obvious that if we had a game system or DS, our almost 6 year old would LOVE it. Too much. Certainly we could impose limits, but for now, we've chosen just not to introduce one at all. And it's not that we are against video games in general, we just don't want them to become too important to him at this point, and we can just tell they would. The TV and computer (and yeah, my smart phone :P) are already more than enough.
I http://www.theparentvortex.com/wordpress/moms-and-internet-addiction/" rel="nofollow">struggle with this too - being online can be addictive, but also has many useful benefits too. Balance is key for me. If I notice my daughter acting up while I'm on the laptop I know it's time to scale it back. I have purposely avoided getting a smart phone because I know I will have a hard time putting it away.
We shouldn't be attacking a parent who chooses to check their smart phone at the playground, but it is important to be mindful of how easy it can be to get sucked into the virtual world at the expense of the real world. I echo what previous commenters have said about modeling our behaviour for our children. If I were elderly and they were looking after me, would I be happy if they read blogs through our entire meal together? If not, then I shouldn't do that either. (even though I sometimes want to).
Oh please!!! I |HAVE to share this article you've written on my blog!! BRILLIANT!
[...] Annie from PhD in Parenting has a different take: parents have always had to ignore their kids some portion of every day. It’s how they can work for a living, stay sane and get any housework done. [...]
Thank you Annie <3 !
We are all grown ups, we can set our limits and based on the ever changing needs of our lives and families decide what is and what isn't appropriate. When I was little my mom would go down to her sewing room and sew while I played , watched M*A*S*H reruns and Sound of Music over and over no one called her a bad mom , no she was making us clothes how could that be bad?? Oh and the memories of her long phone conversations - I don't think much has changed except the technology. Now I contact friends via email, and while I don't sew my son's clothes I do create and blog and use proceeds to fund things for my family.
For me my line was whether or not to get a smart phone. I declined. I have an iPod touch so I can take work, emails, and social media with me but I have to work a little harder to find wifi. If I always had access I know for me it wouldn't be ok. I need that boundary to be unplugged. But that's just me.
I also want to echo the support the internet provides for parents. We don't live in a society where we live in the same house for 40 years with the same neighbors, or where generations of family are there only blocks away. Many of us create that village that helps us raise our children via message boards, online communities and support forums. It's been nothing but positive for me and I know I can't be the only parent who feels that way.
I used to breastfeed my baby to sleep at night while I worked on the computer and thinking back on it now I feel terrible about the electromagnetic radiation not to mention wireless waves her poor little head must have been exposed to. So much has changed in the technology world in the last 10 years no one knows what it will mean for our children in the future. It has certainly made my ability to live between two continents much easier. My concern is how easily and quickly it can take over from actually leaving the house and meeting real people. I live in Germany and a few years ago I had a friend from Canada come visit with her teenage daughter who basically wanted to spend most of her time staying in the apartment on the computer doing online chatting with her friends about what a drag it was being here even though she barely ventured outside to see what it was like to actually be here. I couldn't help but wonder if we hadn't had an internet connection available for her if she might have had a better experience.
when DD was a newborn, the only way she would sleep is if we held her. Her bedtime was about 6pm so that meant that from 6pm-onwards, I was in her room in the dark holding her to sleep. Blackberry messenger was the only way my husband and I could 'talk' when he got home from work so technology is what we used to communicate during the evenings (and most of the day!) for many months. Being a FTM was very hard for me; I felt isolated and suffered from depression so yes, I did go on the computer but mainly to search for help and see if there were other moms out there who were in the same position as me to whom I could relate. Do I feel I abandoned or neglected my child? no. Did technology save my sanity, hell yes.
Since becoming a parent, I have realized that everyone judges other parenting styles whether we admit to it or not. I try very hard to not do that because I hate it when people judge me but that is not to say I'm not guilty of that. I don't know why but when (some) people become parents, they suddenly become "experts". You let your child cry? OMG you're a horrible person. Your child will become a detached, mentally unstable heathen. You check your blackberry/iphone when your child is trying to talk to you? shame on you! stop neglecting your child! You're formula feeding your baby? OMG, you might as well give him poison. It does on on and so it doesn't surprise me when I read articles such as the one in the G&M about parenting and technology.
When I read critical articles about topics such as this, I wonder if the writer has taken into consideration things such as cultural ethics and perspectives. For example, it is common in Hong Kong/China and even some Canadian Chinese families to read the newspaper during meal times (I see it a lot during dim-sum). Dad is reading the paper, mom is eating or trying to feed the child and the child is either playing with a toy or some electronic thing or eating or the entire family is reading at the table, eating and not speaking to one another. Is this wrong? no. Is the child being neglected? I wouldn't know because that's the only observation I've made of them. My father, born in Jamaica, was sent to China on his own when he was 4YO by my grandparents to live with an aunt because they wanted him to learn about Chinese culture and history. He was there until he turned 18 (and came back to meet his other 7 brothers and sisters!). In this day and age, I'm sure that would cause a huge outcry and parents would demonize my grandparents, labeling them as neglectful, lazy; saying that is neglect at it's worst, how can you let a toddler travel all by himself to a far away, foreign land for 16 years etc etc. But that is part of our culture (well, maybe not for Canadian/American-born chinese but it does still happen in certain parts of the world) and so who are we to judge what is right/wrong from a parenting perspective.
I, too, am guilty of spending a tad too much time on the internet/blackberry. I use it for work and my website but I try and limit it to hours when DD is asleep or at daycare if I'm at home. If there is a pressing issue at work, I will respond right away, get it out of the way and then turn my attention to DD. If she is trying to talk to me while I am trying to send out said urgent email, I will ask her to please wait for about 5minutes until I'm done and then we can play. I would respond to her in the same manner if I were on the phone and she was trying to get my attention. While I am there for my child, I also want to teach her about patience and that just because she calls, I will not drop everything and go running. Part of my parenting involves teaching my child patience, understanding and respect, similar to the way I respect her need/want to play; I will let her know that it's 10mins until dinner time rather than just plucking whatever toy happens to be in her hand and plopping her in her chair.
Do I feel I neglect my child when I'm on the computer or blackberry and she's around me? no. She has my undivided attention 99% of the time with that 1% of technological distraction if mommy needs a break, if there's a pressing issue at work or if I need to send a meesage to someone that I'm going to be late for something.
Sorry for rambling; I sometimes get heated when I read articles (not yours) that hint at labels or seems a tad judgmental.
great post btw!
[...] Oh those technology obsessed neglectful parents… — PhD. in Parenting. I love this article. I think she nails it. [...]
There's not a one-size-fits-all solution here. A new mother with twins might need to put down her technology more than she used to. But as a mom of teens, it's important that I'm on my laptop. The kids -- the next generation -- are a technological generation. If we as parents are involved with that, we won't be as involved with them. My teens don't resent my screen time; it makes me more real to them -- we enjoy the same things.
Moderation in all things. We all need to regularly evaluate how much our time in the pseudo-world of cyberspace is infringing on our participation in the real world of trees, rain, and breakfast. It's a balance that fluctuates as life goes on.
Whoops. "If we as parents are NOT involved with that...."
Great post. You make some really valid points. I especially like the comparison of online moms talking and moms talking in real life. During the rough first month of my son's life, I found the most support via my high school friends on facebook. We all lived states apart, but the support network was more life giving than any of my in town connections.
Just want to chime in and say thanks.
Often I feel like I am not paying my son enough attention as we go through our days. This isn't necessarily because of technology. There are bills to pay, dishes to be washed, laundry to do, the list goes on. If I saved all those things for when the little one was asleep, well, Id never get any time to relax, reconnect with my spouse, or pursue things of interest to me. Our children, while they are amazing and wonderful, cannot be the center of our worlds at all times. It wouldn't be good for us, or them.
I think I read somewhere recently that the modern parent, even with all the technology that surrounds them, spends more time (quality time) with their kids than parents did a generation or two ago. Wonder where that was. . .
It may have been here that you read that Danielle. I reference it in my post called http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/10/05/a-working-mom-seeks-balance/" rel="nofollow">A working mom seeks balance.
hear hear!
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I really enjoyed this article. As a UK expat married to a US citizen and living in Germany, technology is absolutely vital. I've been vilified by other parents for my 2.5 year old knowing how to use my laptop. You know why he knows how to use it? Because it's the only way he can see both sets of grandparents face to face, by calling them on skype.
In an ideal world it's very nice to be able to have family nearby, but we're a military family and don't get to choose where we live and because I'm an expat, no matter where we are sent there will always be at least one set of grandparents unable to visit on a regular basis.
Not to mention the times when my husband is away (deployment or just trips for work) it is the only way our son can see his daddy, sometimes for an entire year. No matter how I feel about technology I would never deny him that. No matter how other people may feel about it, I feel so lucky that we have such technology at our disposal.
I also wanted to add, my son was born prematurely and didn't breastfeed for 4 months (I pumped around the clock for those 4 months). He was in the hospital for a month after birth with bouts of apnea. The only people I met who understood enough to give real help and support (because they had been through it) were online, it really helped me through those days when I thought I was just going to go insane.
It takes a village to raise a child, now our village just happens to be online. I don't "neglect" my son any more than I would have done if we lived in a community where I could go and visit friends in person at all hours of the day.
In my own life I often feel our family life would be better if I spent less time on the computer. The house would be cleaner, I'd be cooking better meals, spending my time as a family in the evenings...but the time I spend online is used for learning how to be a better parent! The support and informative I find online is so useful and has really helped me in many ways. So, it's a give an take. I think I need to cut back a little though...
And I only go online when my son's asleep or with his dad. He just goes nuts when I'm in front of the computer, while he's always been fine with me doing more active stuff. So, I guess it's just something each individual needs to weigh and figure out for themselves.
I do not entirely agree with this post. While i do think that mom's have every right to continue doing things that fulfill them aside from being moms, technology has become a cop-out for many mothers who need an "escape" from their lonely-no-adults-around lives.
I grew up in a household with no computers,although my mother did LOVE her television. She spent many hours watching movies on tv, but she also spent many many hours talking to the neighbors. The difference between the mother on the computer chatting and the mother talking to her friend is that the baby/toddler/child takes part in a conversation as a passive observer. There is no exact data that confirms that babies who can't talk are affected by the conversations adults have, but I peronsally do think that being in an environment of conversation is a big deal.
I was a very aware child and learned very fast and still remember many things from when I was very little, I come from a family of story-tellers. My favorite past time that I share with my mother, sisters and aunts, is to sit around and TALK.
It pisses me off so much when I go to my husbands house to visit and no one can hold a conversation because they are checking their phones, using their laptops and in general giving you half-assed attention even though sometimes some of them travel from far away to visit. Are you saying this is ok? there are children there observing this behavior, learning that it is acceptable to ignore the sacredness of family gathering, learning from previous generations, knowing who your brothers are.
My aunt is an avid computer woman and spends much time on it writing newsletters for her church and sending e-mails, her husband is a computer whiz and also spends lots of time on the computer. Every time I go visit, my cousins don't realize I am there for the first few minutes, sometimes hours because they are glued to the computer playing games! They could not care less about having a conversation with me.
I do not think that having a blackberry or laptop and using it in front of your children is bad at all, but I do think that parents who do this, in addition to watching tv excessively should be very aware of the habits they are teaching the children. Infants learn very fast.
Are we teaching children to ignore the world? to not make friends and hide behind their gadgets? or are we teaching children that technology is a useful tool? Are we including our children in eavesdropping our conversations so that they understand how human relationships work? or are we excluding them from this by typing away in text-messages?
Technology is a luxury, not a necessity. Human contact is a necessity.
Annie, this is one of the strongest and best pieces you have ever written (and you write well - often). I particularly loved the part where you wrote:
"Our kids are part of our lives and not always conveniently tucked away when we have other things to do. Technology is part of our lives and is not always conveniently tucked away when we are with the kids."
I am definitely the kind of parent that tries to involve my kids in "life" - grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, writing thank you cards, running errands, and - yes - being online. Do I believe in carving out distraction-free time to make special memories with my kids? YES! BUT - I also believe in having them near as I go about daily life.
Thank you for not apologizing for being an intelligent, involved, and connected mother. This needed to be said.
This is such a thoughtful, well-written post that does a great job of talking back to "the experts." There's also some great comments here both from folks that agree and also from folks that want to limit technology. I think that many of us feel overrun with technology which makes parents using technology an easy outlet for our own guilt and frustration.
I'd love to live in a word in which we all gave parents credit, believing them to me not just well-intentioned, but also doing a good job! Parent is hard work and impossible to "get right." Everyone is an expert and knows what you should be doing, completely forgetting that parenting is a complex, 24/7, wildly challenging activity that even when done well involves more mistakes that you can count (like, um, LIFE). So you get slammed for being neglectful if you text with friends at the playground and you get slammed for being a helicopter parent if you follow your tots around.
Personally, I love nothing more than when my young kids give me a moment of peace and I'll do with it what I damn well please. I do find that computer-related activities have a way of sucking me in and I'm often happier if I limit them, but that's my own choice, not something I'd really like to be judged about.
Leading with my chin... I would love to be able to completely agree with you, deny that this is an issue at all and carry on without giving it a second thought -- but my personal experience and my gut tells me otherwise. Just because this isn't a problem for you personally doesn't mean it isn't a problem, or something we shouldn't at least examine. It's a challenge for all of us to look at new studies without getting defensive.
Could all 300 of the children in the study I read be spoiled, demanding and unreasonable? Or, could all of those parents be obsessive, addictive personalities?
Time and time again the author of the NY Times study clarified that this was not a vilification of techology, or a way to shame or blame parents.
Another take on this... http://bit.ly/a41EzH
Great conversation.
I don't mind using technology when I'm home. I use the computer to blog, to communicate with long-distance friends via email, I research topics of personal interest (for awhile it was selective mutism and sensory processing disorders, and attachment theory and child development, or projects I'd like to do with the girls, and sometimes it's to read free e-books of some of my favorite German authors and poets that I can't easily find at my local library). I can get carried away, not because I have an addiction, but because I have to replace the intellectual stimulation I got from my career in the biotech field. I may have left my field to raise my daughters, but I didn't leave my brain at the job.
And, while I'd love to say I have other mom friends who could supply me with the intense intellectual conversations I desire and be able to converse with them in front of my daughters, sadly, I don't have that. Most mothers I know have very limited topics they want to talk about - decorating, shoes, and complaining about mothering, or their kids' teachers or their husbands, or work. None share any of the hobbies and interests I do.
I remember competing with the T.V. for my mother's attention when I needed to talk with her as a teenager. I could only talk with her during the commercial breaks, and after which she'd shush me. I remember it being a very painful thing, especially when I had something important to say.
I'd like to say I've never done that to my daughters with the computer usage, but it has happened. I'm not going to deny that. And I have felt guilty for that. But while I'm careful to work on that and not let my daughters have to compete with the computer, I still rely on it for my intellectual and communication needs. I'd prefer to speak to my deeply philosophical internet friends face to face, but with some of them scattered across the globe, in Canada and in the UK, that's just not possible.
I am glad to say, when I'm out of the house with the children, I'm focused on what we are doing...whether going for a walk, or playing at the park, visiting with family, going out to eat, or running errands. I have a regular cell phone, and I don't text or call anyone while we are out. I have been bringing my camera along everywhere we go, to capture their spontaneous moments or to take pictures of nature, sometimes to the chagrin of my daughters.
That being said, I do tend to look critically upon those who seem chained to their blackberries and i-phones while they are out with friends (whether or not they have children in tow). I totally understand when you are home alone and don't have the social/intellectual contact you might desire, but to me, when you are out in the world with others, be present in what you are doing, otherwise, so many good things are missed.
I find it a little sad to see children being allowed to take Nintendo DS games to restaurants or on vacations. I recently saw a boy who had one at a wedding rehearsal and he was up on the altar playing away on it while he waited! We don't own them. I know my kids get antsy while waiting for dinner to arrive, so my husband and I either engage them in conversation, or play the games on the kids' menus with them or otherwise act silly with them. When we are going on vacations, my kids might be bored from time, and that's why we bring games and art supplies and story books, things we can do together.
That being said, it wasn't uncommon for me as a child to bring a book in social gatherings when I was bored...so one *could* say that's hypocritical of me. But I know if my parents paid me attention while we were out, and made the effort to get to know me, I would have had no need for the books.
Technology has its place, and like everything else, moderation is key. I think should it happen that one consistently interrupts or exchanges the real human contact right next to them in favor of their cyber lives, THAT's where the danger is.
I'm still waiting for the day when my mother won't kick me off the house phone because someone more 'important' is calling her on her cell phone and she HAS to take that call (it's always like that). I have yet to hear her say, "I'll let the voice mail get it and call them back later". The worst calls are the ones where she does that to me after only 5 or 10 minutes...which are most of them. Which is why I rarely call anymore.
I'm nearly 40 years old and it STILL bothers me not to be important enough to my own mother to be made a priority. THAT's what I have to be cognizant of with my technology usage...not turning around and doing the same thing to my daughters.
Thanks for the interesting discussion.
Casey
When I'm out
Hi Annie, I enjoyed this post. The picture is great too...of the moms. I found this post searching for 'television' on your blog. I feel guilty that I sometimes let my son watch it (he's only 16months). It started out just for emergencies, now sometimes it's just for a break etc, etc. Do you have any posts written already on television and babies/toddlers? I'd be very interested to hear what you have to say.
Áine
Áine:
I've never written a whole post on it. I don't think television is the devil. I think it is fine in moderation. With really busy kids who never sit and quietly play on their own, I think it is almost necessary sometimes. I think it becomes problematic when kids get too attached to it (get really upset when it is time to turn it off) or when kids are watching a lot of it. I also think the choice of what they watch is important. Especially with little kids who don't yet understand the concept that companies are trying to sell you crap, I think it is important to keep them away from a lot of the commercialization.
I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. I've read a bit of the research on the topic and I've come to a few conclusions based on my understanding from the perspective of an educator about how children develop.
I do not think that a little TV will "damage" an otherwise healthy baby.
However, I do think that TV can contribute to some difficulties, especially with babies who may already have some developmental challenges and especially if it is overused.
I'm not sure if there is a causal relation between TV and certain types of challenges. I think, perhaps, researchers have overlooked that children who have these types of challenges may feel comforted by television and also present certain challenges to their parents who find TV a useful tool as a result. In the meantime, I am thinking it may be a little of both.
The problem with television, even "educational" television for infants and young toddlers is that it works against the sort of brain connections they need to be building. Television is a one-way form of communication, not the interaction with their environment they need.
As children get older, and more of the wiring has formed, limited television can have its place and I feel more comfortable with it.
A school-aged child can and will learn things from selective screen time.
In between those ages, 2-5, I think television can be a tool but primarily when the child is also interacting with the parent.
However, I think most parents use television the way I do--as a "break" or as a needed distraction when we need to finish something.
I wouldn't go so far as it being "necessary" but I do know that many parents find it useful, as do I.
As with everything, it is a balance.
My own personal decision is that we watch no television before age 2. After that, I show limited DVDs, no more than 40 minutes long, about 3 times a week. But I'm also honest with myself that it is probably not ideal--it is just a compromise I am willing to make so that I can earn money and be present with my children the rest of the time I am home with them.
Annie makes a separate point, with which I also agree--I don't like the commercialism on TV for young kids so we only watch DVDs that I have selected.
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly : ) I don't think it's the devil either but I still feel so guilty letting him watch it. I feel I need it occasionally as it's hard to get a second to do anything. Maybe I'll challenge myself to a week without tv and see how we get on! He might surprise me....
I think whether it is necessary or not, depends a lot on what other support and options the parent has, as well as how much the parent can handle.
When I had "sling babies" who napped in their slings or in a bed, I could get the things done that I needed to do while they slept. That was both my break and my opportunity to get things done. If I had my mom or my husband around to help me, I could pass kids off to them when I needed a break or needed to get something done.
But once my kids were no longer napping, if there were days when I was completely alone with them and they refused to do anything alone or let me do anything alone, then television did sometimes become a necessity. It was the only thing keeping me from doing something that might be damaging to myself, to my child, or to our relationship. I wrote a bit about that here: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/11/19/ready-to-snap/
That doesn't mean it is a necessity for all kids/parents in all scenarios. But I do think it is the lesser of two evils in many cases.
Annie, this is more or less the same argument that a lot of parents make here about CIO or not breastfeeding.
I hope you will see my answer in the same spirit that I think you hope others see yours.
Television is not necessary in that it is not necessary for a child's development.
I did say it is a balancing act and that I choose to use screen time in the way I outlined because it is what works for us--but I also acknowledge this is not my ideal, it is a compromise.
I, too, have very active and engaged children. And I work from home and have deadlines. And I have very limited support during the day.
I feel comfortable saying, as an educator who has looked at the research, that television is not necessary. However, that doesn't mean I am vilifying those who use it...or that I do not use it myself as a way to navigate the complications of my own life.
Candace:
I didn't think you were vilifying anyone. I was just trying to explain what I meant by necessary.
My mother is bad about this. She thought nothing of parking in front of the TV hours a day when I was a kiddo but if I check my email or google something, I'm the worst mother ever. I just laugh it off. We don't have cable, so we don't watch too much TV - we watch a lot of movies. My son likes nature documentaries and those invariably lead to questions that I can't answer. I don't drive so a trip to the library is an ordeal - thank God for google. We look tons of stuff up, watch clips on YouTube, and learn tons. He'll tell you things about spiders that you NEVER wanted to know.
And because I don't drive, I'm home with 3 kids, 2 of them under two, 1 in school, all day, 30 miles from town, all alone. If I didn't have Facebook, I'd go nuts. Andrea Yates nuts. My online "mommy mafia" as my honey puts it keeps me sane and gives me a place to vent. I'm not playing Farmville while my family starves or racking up credit real life card debt playing Mafia Wars, I'm looking up how to cook barley because a blog I read last week says it's super healthy so I bought some and now don't know what the hell to do with it. I'm looking up info on the lime green poop in my newborn's diaper to see if she needs a trip to the ER or if I just need to eat fewer bananas. And yeah, sometimes I'm watching Glee or a stupid YouTube video of babies dancing to Beyonce. But my kids are fed and clean and smarter than most so I'm good.
Great post! You hit the nail on the head about the isolation a SAHM can feel. Throw in a deployed husband, an infant with a medical condition, & flu season and you have the bulk of my son's first year of life. Without technology & my trusty iPhone, my only connection to the outside adult world would have been limited to my son's doctors.
For the record, Klaw's geneticist is impressed with his ability to work an iPhone at 1 year of age. ;-)
It is quite hard to live up to our own expectations of ideal parenthood, especially as it relates to our use of technology. I have seen both benefits and disadvantages to the wide use of technology in parenting. My inclination is to believe that for us parents, moderation is key. However, just as we limit children's abilities to consume alcohol, or cigarettes, or even the purchasing of lottery tickets, it is also important to limit children's access to technology until they can better understand the power and magnitude of the tool they are using. I, myself, use technology quite frequently in order to learn and share ideas, as well some sort of entertainment. However, being witness to the declining progress of children educational and social standards among subsequent generations, I feel very strongly that technologies such as television, video games, and even internet use has caused a significant desensitization, and learning impairment in children. We have seen a rise in childhood obesity, not only because of our poor nutrition across the US, but because many children are living quite sedentary lives, where they prefer to stay indoors and play video games, as opposed to going outside and riding their bikes. Also, we've diagnosed thousands of young boys with illnesses, learning impairments, and hyperactive disorders just because we have expected their natural energy levels to conform to our increasingly sedentary/robotic lifestyles.
No, I don't think technology is evil, it has many good uses! As a parent, it is our job to guide our children and protect them from some of the dangers of overexposure. We not only need to teach this, but also be good role models.
I agree for the most part. I am a stay at home mom, and my online community keeps me sane. Email actually sucks up less time than phone calls anyways. That being said, my husband remembers his Dad always being on his cell phone, at the dinner table, at bedtime, on vacation, all the time. His dad now has an I-phone and he is always playing around with it and will answer it no matter who is calling him even if he is in the middle of a sentence. When they come to visit us and their grandkids, one of the first things he does is plug in his laptop. It's a weird dynamic of the person being physically there, but mentally gone. And it can be frustrating, expecially for a kid who is always being put after technology.
Yes, I know the feeling, my husband is like that. It drives me absolutely insane. It's heartbreaking to hear a small child yell "daddy! daddy!" hundreds of times a day to try to grab his attention. And there's nothing I can do about it!
If he sits down at the dinner table next to the kid, and dinner takes 1 extra minute to get to the table, he gets on the iPad... he is NOT talking to the kid.
I am trying not to be judgmental, I'm a techie mom, I am a blogger mom... but these portable devices ensure that anyone who has a tendency to overdo it, can do so way too easily.
I see moms on cell phone while pushing strollers all day, every day... I see mommies on their ipads/iphones on the playground while their kids are happily eating sand.
It seems like where I live, no one knows when to stop and unplug.
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I am a strong believer that technology not only makes the learning process much more fun, but it also creates allows a more hands-on experience for kids!
You've articulated this so well. Thanks for putting into words for the rest of us. Great post
What a wonderful post. And, the image is spot on!
Everyone seems to have an opinion on what the ideal parenting method really is (and so many people offer their unsolicited opinions), but in reality, what works for you and your family is what matters.
There has to be a balance you can find with regards to technology and its use around your children. Whether you are at home or working outside of the home, it isn't realistic to never check email, be online, look at your BlackBerry, etc when children are around -- and it shouldn't be expected. It isn't realistic for all the responsibilities parents have to take care of (cleaning, cooking, paying bills, buying groceries, etc.) to just magically be completed when the kids aren't around -- somehow, that isn't expected.
As our kids grow up, technology is only going to become more pervasive. Rather than declare that it's all bad, this is our opportunity as parents to help our kids learn some balance between the use of it and the other aspects of our/their lives.
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