Friday
Jul312009
It takes a village to raise a child
Friday, July 31, 2009
A lot of parents that practice attachment parenting or natural parenting point to the fact that this is the way children are often raised in traditional societies. This is true, to a great extent, but there is one big exception. In our society we seem to feel that practicing attachment parenting means that the parents alone are raising the child or sometimes even one parent alone (usually the mother) while the other one works long hours, goes off to war, or just runs away.
We parent alone. We raise our children alone. That is exhausting.
In traditional societies, it is true that people co-sleep, breastfeed much longer, and wear their babies all the time. But the village raises the child. There are grandparents, aunts, neighbours, and older children to share the parenting. In our society, if the mother cannot do it all, all of the time, we look down on her. Or, alternately, if she isn't willing to just leave her baby with some stranger in order to get a break, we look down on her.
I have never been comfortable just dropping my children with strangers. We have never called up a 13 year old babysitter from a flyer left at the mailboxes and then happily waved goodbye for the evening as we left her with our children. We were not able to just drop our son at a day care with a bunch of strange adults and strange children when he turned one because it was time. And we have turned down invitations to parties and weddings if it wasn't possible to get a trusted babysitter, someone that our child knows and trusts, to babysit. I don't think I should have to be comfortable dropping my children with strangers.
That said, I also don't think the entire burden of raising my children needs to fall on my shoulders or my husband's shoulders. In our case, we have been very lucky to be able to have my mother as a regular and trusted presence in our children's lives since the time they were born. We live out in the country and until recently didn't realize that we had other people nearby with children. I think if we had lived in the city, closer to friends, we would have tried to forge a closer and more consistent relationship between our children and our friends, to create opportunities for trade-offs (I'll watch your kids today if you watch mine tomorrow). I think it is important for parents to have help and to have breaks. Just as it is important to create a strong attachment with your child, I think it is important to your own mental health as a parent to encourage a strong attachment between your child and at least a handful of other trusted adults.
A lot of parents worry that their caregiver needs to use the same parenting approach that they do. I have seen people on attachment parenting boards worried about what will happen if their baby is not worn all day at daycare. Or what the impact will be if their child is put in time-outs at preschool if they don't agree with using punishment as a discipline tool. As I've said before, for me, practicing attachment parenting is about the relationship I want to have with my child. I don't think it will hurt my children if another caregiver uses other approaches that I have decided are not right for me. Obviously, you want to agree with a caregiver on any points that are incredibly important to you (like corporal punishment, cry it out, and scheduled feedings perhaps...well that is my list, yours might be different). But I think it helps children to learn how to interact with different people in different ways.
I think one of the other things that weighs us down as parents is the burden we place on our shoulders in terms of both teaching our children things and taking care of them. In traditional societies the adults often do not seek to actively teach anything to their children. They let the child approach them to learn something when they are ready. I think that we make things difficult for ourselves in two ways:
Allowing our children to lead in developing their independence can take some of the burden off of us, but it requires a good dose of patience and a focus on teaching, not training our children. It requires confidence in our children.
I hear a lot of people say, I couldn't possibly do attachment parenting because I'm a working mom or I couldn't possibly do attachment parenting because I have to use day care. I don't think that is true at all. For me personally, the fact that I am a working mom makes me feel it is even more important to practice attachment parenting because it makes it easier to create the strong bond I want to have with my children despite the fact that I have less time with them than a stay at home mom does.
But, I couldn't be an attached mom if it was all on my shoulders. I think when people practicing attachment parenting get burned out, it is because they are trying to do too much alone. It takes some work to create a village, especially in our very nuclear family based society. But I think it is worth it in the end. If you don't have family nearby, seek out friends that can be part of your village.
Finally, listen to your child. Take cues from your child about when she is ready to learn something new and follow through on it. It will be harder that day, but easier in the end.
Take some of the burden off yourself and put it onto the village and onto your child. Now put up your feet and enjoy a margarita.
Image credit: rogiro on flickr
We parent alone. We raise our children alone. That is exhausting.In traditional societies, it is true that people co-sleep, breastfeed much longer, and wear their babies all the time. But the village raises the child. There are grandparents, aunts, neighbours, and older children to share the parenting. In our society, if the mother cannot do it all, all of the time, we look down on her. Or, alternately, if she isn't willing to just leave her baby with some stranger in order to get a break, we look down on her.
I have never been comfortable just dropping my children with strangers. We have never called up a 13 year old babysitter from a flyer left at the mailboxes and then happily waved goodbye for the evening as we left her with our children. We were not able to just drop our son at a day care with a bunch of strange adults and strange children when he turned one because it was time. And we have turned down invitations to parties and weddings if it wasn't possible to get a trusted babysitter, someone that our child knows and trusts, to babysit. I don't think I should have to be comfortable dropping my children with strangers.
Share the responsibility
That said, I also don't think the entire burden of raising my children needs to fall on my shoulders or my husband's shoulders. In our case, we have been very lucky to be able to have my mother as a regular and trusted presence in our children's lives since the time they were born. We live out in the country and until recently didn't realize that we had other people nearby with children. I think if we had lived in the city, closer to friends, we would have tried to forge a closer and more consistent relationship between our children and our friends, to create opportunities for trade-offs (I'll watch your kids today if you watch mine tomorrow). I think it is important for parents to have help and to have breaks. Just as it is important to create a strong attachment with your child, I think it is important to your own mental health as a parent to encourage a strong attachment between your child and at least a handful of other trusted adults.
A lot of parents worry that their caregiver needs to use the same parenting approach that they do. I have seen people on attachment parenting boards worried about what will happen if their baby is not worn all day at daycare. Or what the impact will be if their child is put in time-outs at preschool if they don't agree with using punishment as a discipline tool. As I've said before, for me, practicing attachment parenting is about the relationship I want to have with my child. I don't think it will hurt my children if another caregiver uses other approaches that I have decided are not right for me. Obviously, you want to agree with a caregiver on any points that are incredibly important to you (like corporal punishment, cry it out, and scheduled feedings perhaps...well that is my list, yours might be different). But I think it helps children to learn how to interact with different people in different ways.
Child-led independence
I think one of the other things that weighs us down as parents is the burden we place on our shoulders in terms of both teaching our children things and taking care of them. In traditional societies the adults often do not seek to actively teach anything to their children. They let the child approach them to learn something when they are ready. I think that we make things difficult for ourselves in two ways:
- First, a lot of parents continue doing things for their children even after they have expressed interest and willingness to do it themselves. I admit that I am guilty of this a lot of the time because in the short term it seems easier to just do it than to teach your child.
- Second, a lot of parents push their children to do certain things too early. Time to wean, time to toilet train, time to learn to count, time to start piano lessons, and so on. If the child hasn't expressed an interest, it will only be more difficult for both the parent and the child.
Allowing our children to lead in developing their independence can take some of the burden off of us, but it requires a good dose of patience and a focus on teaching, not training our children. It requires confidence in our children.
Create a village and listen to your child
I hear a lot of people say, I couldn't possibly do attachment parenting because I'm a working mom or I couldn't possibly do attachment parenting because I have to use day care. I don't think that is true at all. For me personally, the fact that I am a working mom makes me feel it is even more important to practice attachment parenting because it makes it easier to create the strong bond I want to have with my children despite the fact that I have less time with them than a stay at home mom does.
But, I couldn't be an attached mom if it was all on my shoulders. I think when people practicing attachment parenting get burned out, it is because they are trying to do too much alone. It takes some work to create a village, especially in our very nuclear family based society. But I think it is worth it in the end. If you don't have family nearby, seek out friends that can be part of your village.
Finally, listen to your child. Take cues from your child about when she is ready to learn something new and follow through on it. It will be harder that day, but easier in the end.
Take some of the burden off yourself and put it onto the village and onto your child. Now put up your feet and enjoy a margarita.
Image credit: rogiro on flickr
Reader Comments (67)
@Sam
Of course it's possible – that was why I put the disclaimer in. I'm certainly not trying to pass myself off as an expert. However, it does seem to me that all this thinking about how best to encourage your child's thoughts and feelings, or not doing something just because everyone else is doing it, or the like, would *have* to be a product of non-subsistence societies, because that's the kind of thinking that does come secondary to basics like getting enough to eat and so just isn't the kind of thing people are going to think much about in societies where there *is* such a focus on just getting by. I'm happy to check out anything good that you know of on the subject of general childcare or interpersonal relationships in traditional societies – have you got any good references? (As far as I can see, McKenna seems to focus on sleeping habits rather than more general aspects of childcare. I've only read Dettwyler's stuff on breastfeeding, not any of her other stuff, though I have to say that I've seen some really inaccurate reference citations from her that do make me pretty suspicious of her reliability.)
But all of that wasn't really my point. The point I wanted to make – which I probably didn't put across very well – was that AP advocates just don't seem to be thinking about the general aspects of child-parent relationships in a society one way or the other when they describe societies as practicing AP. They do seem to be judging on the basis of whether those three particular practices are common in that society, as though you could judge the overall quality of a society's parent-child relationships by those specifics. Annie's said in the past that AP isn't about using false benchmarks to measure your parenting, but I have to say that it has a huge tendency to become precisely that. *That* was the point I was trying to make.
I'm confused as to how anything I said in my comment was contributing to poor parenting decisions. I didn't say anything in the comment about what parents should or shouldn't do with their children; I was discussing the way AP advocates view other societies. I can certainly understand that it's frustrating if you see me passing on incorrect information – that's one of my absolute pet bugbears as well, and the reason why I also often get snippy on here – but I don't see what information I've passed on that is incorrect other than possibly my general comments on anthropology, which I'm happy to have put right but which I wouldn't have thought rated that level of annoyance. If anything I say is factually in error then of course I want you to point it out – I certainly don't want to be responsible for passing on information that's not correct – but what is it you think I've said that's not been true?
I have to say I agree with Sarah V.--not only are those three AP standards used as the totality of AP by some parents, these practices can also become a sort of club with which to berate other parents. This is exactly what has happened on some natural-parenting forums I have frequented--i.e., you can't really be AP if you use a stroller, you can't really be AP if your child sleeps in a crib, etc. It's destructive. Parents need to avoid flinging an "us-versus-them" mentality at each other, in order to create a supportive atmosphere for child-rearing, but all too often, opposition and "right/wrong" is precisely what happens. Perhaps the product of a competitive society?
@ Sarah V and Andi: Just so that I'm clear, the two of you are making the point that "some people" who are AP berate other parents based on three parenting practices? And that some parents have an "us-versus-them" mentality? Are you saying that Annie is doing that in this post? Or that it just happens "sometimes" with "some people"?
If you're not referring to Annie or this post, I have to wonder what place your comments have here and exactly what your motivation for posting them is. I could also say that "some people" do all kinds of things but I don't know what this has to do with this post which is about (correct me if I'm wrong) how we often parent alone and that we could all do well with some help from our "village" in whatever form that may be.
I think that when comments get off topic like this, the conversation tends to get aggressive or confrontational and it really becomes about something that it wasn't about it the first place. In my mind this does more to create an "us-versus-them" mentality than anything else.
@Andi: I don't deny that that does happen in some places. That is why I wrote my post describing http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/11/16/what-is-attachment-parenting/" rel="nofollow">what attachment parenting is. I see it from both angles - I see parents say "I couldn't possibly do AP because....[insert name of AP tool that they cannot use and reason why]" and I also see people say "you aren't AP if....[insert name of specific AP tool that they are not using]". For me, AP is less about the tools (babywearing, breastfeeding, bed sharing, etc.) and more about the attitude or approach to babies and children.
FamilyNature: Just responding to Sarah V's post, no more and no less. My intention was to suggest that the "us-versus-them" mentality can keep the "village" from being formed, though in retrospect I didn't make that link clear in my post. Sorry for the confusion.
@Sarah:
The reading I have done about traditional societies has the mother, along with a close knit group of other family members/neighbour women, caring for the baby for about the first two years. During that time, the child is not pushed to be independent, but is expected to be an extension of the mother and be at the breast, on the back, sleeping next to the mother. Yes, those are things that I call "tools" of attachment parenting. Not rules. I believe it is easier to foster an attachment when using those tools, but not impossible to do so if you don't. A mother, in a traditional society, can go about her day while staying physically close to her baby if she wears her baby. Whereas a western modern mother who pushes her baby around in a stroller or places that baby in a swing at home, may need to more proactively take time out of her busy day to ensure to create that connection.
In traditional societies, at around the 2 year mark, the care of the child is often transferred from the mother to the village. In fact, some of the things I have been reading in that regard were what prompted me to write this post. Mothers do not have to do everything on their own from birth to age 18 (or beyond). They can create a circle of trust, a village, and find a way to transfer elements of their child's care, both physical and emotional, to that village. In traditional societies, that is often older children. However, I don't think that a lot of our Western institutions are what one would constitute a village. A structured school setting with 20 or more 5 year olds in a kindergarten classroom or a day care setting where the early childhood educators are so busy wiping bums, feeding, dressing to go outside, cleaning up and putting to sleep the X number of children in their care, are not exactly "village" type environments. Some are perhaps, but most are not.
In any case, the point of this post was not to glorify traditional child rearing or to criticize non-AP practices. The point was to send mothers the message that they don't need to do everything on their own, but they may need to work at creating a village if they don't want to be alone.
Fair enough, thanks for clearing that up.
I am an AP mom and happen to be single with no family support. I am exhausted but I cannot imagine doing this any other way. It bothers me a lot that no one in my family cares enough to come over or help care for my daughter. She is almost a year now and does not know anyone in the family because she rarely sees any of them. She has never had a baby sitter and I never get a full night's sleep. My hosue is never anywhere near clean and my daughter craves attention from others. Having no family is lonely and I feel guilty that she will grow up not having bigfamily gatherings or regular stopins from people who love her.
Hi Jenn,
Can you go to La Leche League meetings?
Join a mother's group?
Find a community which supports AP parenting and move there?
Hire some help around the house so you feel less stressed about the cleanliness and have more time to work out how you would like to change ytour living style with your daughter?
Hope you find a solution that wokrs for you!
Kind regards
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DEAR VILLAGERS: I AM A MOTHER THAT CHOSE AN ACCOUNTABLE & LONG, PATH TO DO BETTER. I TRY DAILY WITH MY BEST OF INTENTIONS FOR MY CHILDREN. I HAVE & DO MAKE MANY MISTAKES ALONG LIFE'S PATH. PARENTS: REACH OUT TO YOUR RESPECTIVE VILLAGES BUT DON'T FORGET TO GIVE BACK AS YOU ARE ABLE..... PERSONAL EXPERIENCES INSPIRE ME. EDUCATION. I HONOR THE VILLAGE THAT HAS GIVEN GREATLY TO MY LAST & YOUNGEST OF CHILDREN. I INTEND TO GIVE THIS ALL BACK TO MY COMMUNITY. FEEL FREE TO PRINT THAT! THANK YOU
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I just googled "it takes a village to raise a child" as I am posting about that on my blog, and your blog came up. What a great article. I'll be linking it to my post if you don't mind. I have just moved to a small country town and have no family and friends around, so I've started building my village. Wish me luck!
Like the previous commenter, I was writing a blog about how it takes a village to raise my kids and it brought me to this article. I referenced it for my villagers to read and enjoy. I know I couldn't raise my children without my circle of friends with children, and of course my family. They are an integral part of my life and my babies! Thank you!