10 Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
Saturday, February 28, 2009 This post provides tips for sleep deprived parents that want their babies to sleep better and, like me, do not want to use the cry it out approach. Some of these things I have learned through experience and others I've learned through reading research. I should note that I have not necessarily tried all of these things because I do not consider my children's sleep to be a problem. That doesn't mean that they never wake up and it doesn't mean that there are not tough nights here and there, but on the whole I get enough rest and my kids get enough rest.
1. Calming Bedtime Routine
Children need time to calm down and prepare for sleep. Having a consistent bedtime routine can be useful in giving the child cues that sleep time is coming. There are likely things that you do each night before bed, such as putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, reading bedtime story, nursing or rocking, and so on. Try to do those things in the same order to help your child understand what is coming next and learn to calm down through that process. You may also want to have a few routines that you alternate. For example, one routine for bath night and another one for other nights. One for weekdays and one for weekends. One that involves Daddy and one that involves Mommy. Having these alternate routines can help keep things smooth on nights when things need to change up a bit (e.g. one parent isn't there, you are visiting friends, a favourite book is missing, etc.) Also, create a calming environment during the bedtime routine. For example, turn off any bright lights (dimmers are great), television, and loud noises at least an hour before bedtime (ideally no television in several hours leading up to bedtime if you allow television at all). Consider building a massage into your bedtime routine.
2. Lots of Fresh Air and Exercise
With my kids and with lots of other kids I know, this is the single most important factor in determining how well they sleep at night. When our son was going through a really rough period with sleep as a toddler he was spending several hours outside each day running around. When we doubled the amount of time he was spending outside his sleep improved exponentially. Even in cold climates (we live in Canada), I recommend finding a way to get outside with your kids every day (bundle them up and go for several short trips outside if need be) and finding places for them to get exercise (playgroups and indoor playgrounds are great for this, but other options include going for a walk around a museum or a mall or other place where your child can walk for a long time). So if you're spending 2 hours being active with your baby or toddler, try 4 hours instead and see if that makes a difference. Our kids need that exercise and fresh air anyways, so even if it doesn't help with sleep, it is a good thing nonetheless.
3. Watch your Baby's Diet
It is possible that something the baby is eating could be contributing to sleep problems. Some babies that are on formula have sensitivities to certain types of formula. For babies that have started solids, food allergies or sensitivities can impact sleep. Also, certain types of foods consumed too close to bedtime can prevent good sleep. This includes anything containing caffeine (chocolate, sodas, etc.), foods high in sugar, artificial colourings and preservatives, foods high in protein and simple carbohydrates. You should replace those foods with foods that promote good sleep, such as whole grains, fruits and vegetables. In addition there are certain foods that contain tryptophan (a sleep inducing chemical) that are good evening food choices (despite many of them being proteins). These include turkey, tuna, certain types of nuts (not for babies), cottage cheese, hard cheese, yogurt, soymilk, tofu, soybeans, eggs, bananas and avocados.
4. Watch for Irritants in Mom's Diet
If you are breastfeeding, then it is also worth considering whether something in your diet could be contributing to poor nighttime sleep. Usually breastfeeding mothers can eat whatever they want, but some infants are sensitive to certain things in mom's diet. Dairy is a frequent culprit and can be difficult to cut out (it is an ingredient in so many things, so finding all that hidden dairy can be tough). Kellymom has a great article on dairy and other food sensitivities in breastfed babies. Beyond food, caffeine and alcohol can be other culprits. Both of these are safe in moderation for breastfeeding. However, they can impact your baby's sleep. Your caffeine intake can make your baby more wakeful (this is of course a catch-22 because if you're not sleeping well, you're more likely to reach for a coffee). With regards to alcohol, a study on sleep disturbances and alcohol has shown that infants had poorer sleep in the 3.5 hours after being exposed to even very minor amounts of alcohol in a mother's breastmilk.
5. Consider Co-Sleeping
Co-sleeping isn't for everyone, but for a lot of families (mine included), it is the best way for everyone to get a good night's rest. There are many benefits to co-sleeping and also important co-sleeping safety requirements to consider if you do decide this is right for your family.
6. Consistent Napping
Good sleep promotes good sleep. A lot of parents whose children do not sleep well at night mistakenly think it would be a good idea for them to give up naps. Instead, parents should try to institute a consistent nap routine. The baby's last nap should not be too late in the day either to ensure that it doesn't interfere with nighttime sleep.
7. Comfortable Sleep Environment
Wherever your baby sleeps, ensure that it is comfortable. That doesn't mean adding all sorts of blankets and pillows (which can be dangerous). Instead, it means making sure that your baby is dressed appropriately for the temperature in comfortable pajamas. It may mean using things like white noise to help your baby to sleep. It certainly involves ensuring a smoke free sleep environment, not having smokers sleep in the same room as the baby, and ideally a smoke free home altogether.
8. Adjust Your Expectations
I hate all of the chatter about sleeping through the night. Our society puts way too much pressure on parents in this regard and completely discounts information on what normal infant sleep is. Be reasonable and patient with your child and understand that not every child is the same and also that a child that did once sleep well, may not always sleep well. If a child is teething, going through a growth spurt, sick, working on a developmental milestone, hungry, didn’t get enough exercise or fresh air, is preoccupied by a scary situation during the day, or any list of other things, that can wreak havoc on their sleep. Try to be understanding in these situations and help them get through those tough times.
9. Read, Read, Read
Nothing in this post helped you? Have you done all of these things already? This is just a start and only hits on a few key issues. But people have written whole books on this topic and maybe you could benefit from reading some of them. Elizabeth Pantley's "No-Cry" series, including the The No Cry Sleep Solution, the The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and the The No Cry Nap Solution (also my review) offer great tips and ideas. I have used these books extensively for myself and to help others. I should note that I didn't do the logs or the formal plan that she suggests. I think it is too easy to fall into thinking of your sleep plan like sleep training, when really the idea is to create an environment that is conducive to healthy sleep. So don't throw away the ideas in the book just because the idea of the logs sounds too complicated or inappropriate to you. Just use the book to choose tips and ideas that are a good fit for your family and your child.
Other books that promote gentle approaches to sleep include:
- The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer (by Harvey Karp)
- Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sleeping with Your Baby (by Deborah Jackson)
- Good Nights: The Happy Parents' Guide to the Family Bed (and a Peaceful Night's Sleep) (by Maria Goodavage and Jay Gordon)
- Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent's Guide to Cosleeping (by James J. McKenna)
Links to some videos and articles with sleep tips can also be found on the Parenting Baby To Sleep blog's I Need Sleep Now page.
I think it is important to note though that no book or blog provides the solution to infant or toddler sleep. Each baby is unique and each family is unique.
10. Recognize that This Too Shall Pass
Our kids are only little for such a short period of time. It isn't always easy dealing with night wakings or sleep deprivation and I know it is frustrating for a lot of parents. I think it is important though to realize that it will pass, things will get better. You do not need to teach your child to self-soothe using cry it out. Your child will learn that skill with time on their own. In the meantime, if these tips are not working and you are frustrated, get some help. Certainly spouses/partners should help each other and find a way to share nighttime parenting wherever possible. Beyond that, find someone that can help you out during the day so that you can take a long nap when things are really rough.
Photo credit: Lab2112 on flickr
Reader Comments (91)
Thank you so much for writing this. My daughter in-law believes in having my one year old grandson cry it out at night. I heard him one night at bedtime and my heart broke for him. He just sobbed until I told my son to go get him some 20 minutes later. I did not do this with my children and they are very happy, adjusted, intelligent individuals. Not that they will listen to me but I will share your article. I try not to interfere but sometimes it is difficult.
Looks like this post hasn't had much action lately, but I just came across it tonight. My 3-month-old had a rough time getting to sleep tonight and my husband is away - so it was all me for somewhere around 3 hours. I know it was partly my fault - we were out during afternoon naptime today, and he slept in his carrier on my front, but it's just not the same quality of sleep that he gets at home.
But anyhow, I wanted to say that it's really surprising that nobody comments on babies that spit up/vomit if they nurse too much before bed. For me, this means that I can nurse my little guy to sleep once, but if he wakes up and starts crying for help getting back to sleep, I can't nurse him to sleep again within two hours or else it really backfires on me. He might fall asleep, but then he'll wake himself up within about 20 minutes, there will be partially-digested milk everywhere, and then he'll REALLY be crying! Tonight, for instance, I nursed him too much in my attempts to get him to sleep and I definitely need a shower before bed to rinse off the sour milk smell!
So on these nights, I end up usually having to let him cry a bit. I try to stay physically with him, but sometimes I realize that my emotional reaction to his crying is probably doing more harm than good, so I'll leave the room for a few minutes. If my husband is home, we take turns being with him while he cries. He goes through these cycles of crying really loud and then calming himself down, then crying really loud again and calming down, and generally after 5-10 of these cycles he'll get to sleep. It doesn't take all that long, but it's really no fun to watch. We try giving him something else to suck on, shushing, singing lullabies, holding his legs and arms so he doesn't move around so much and wake himself up more (he's still sleeping in a swaddle blanket, but he's strong and can move quite a bit anyway). I'm not really asking for advice here, but I just thought I'd share this experience. It's not CIO, but there's sometimes a lot of crying involved!
Thanks for the helpful post.
Our son is 5 months old, and is still swaddled to help him sleep - do we need to stop? he loves it (so do we!), but he is close to being able to roll over and I don't want him to roll over in the night and not be able to roll back.
I have also heard it might affect his development.
Thank you
Sarah
Babies need to suck. I don't know why. I can't imagine sucking to sleep. But babies need it.
Nursing toddlers often do not have attachment objects. My daughter was like that. No blankie, no paci, no teddy. Just mommy. She is an extremely independent 6 year old who prefers to stay at school until 5:30 for after school activities instead of coming home to be with mom. But I never imagined this when she was 2 or 3 and still wanted to, like the toddlers you mentioned, nurse every time she wanted comfort. And even when she didn't nurse, she wanted mommy close. all. the. time. It was concerning, but we didn't really need to be concerned. She grew up. There were times I gently nudged her to be more independent in certain ways. It started with, "no nursing while mommy's eating at the table." And she didn't like that, but I didn't feel I was asking too much. Still, I never had a problem nursing her when she was sad or hurt or tired. Some kids have a need to suck until 7 years old. They usually suck their thumbs. So I'm grateful she only needed to suck until she was 3 and a half. Once the need was gone, it was obvious.
As for a baby who's crying and CAN'T be comforted, I have a boy who doesn't want to nurse if there's a different need. And his need to suck is not as strong. It's just a different personality. He's only 10 months and he'll cry if he needs to poop and doesn't want to go in his diaper! This takes a while to figure out what's wrong and it's stressful having him cry and cry, but oh the relief we ALL feel when he finally poops! lol. I think if the kid is falling asleep in their food, they are sleep deprived and they missed the window of falling asleep peacefully. Its an easy window to miss with toddlers. But they'll be OK. And yes it is ok to cry. It's part of the human experience. And if we get stressed out about it, the baby picks up on that and can get even more upset. But we want to model respect and empathy, even if we need to allow our sweet heart to cry. It's also ok to try to stop the crying. Crying is a baby's only way of communicating and it means something is wrong. We know this, as mammals. Crying means something is wrong. It might be something minor. My boy cries because I won't let him eat paper. It doesn't mean I have to give him paper, but it does mean that he's upset and I should respond to him in an understanding way.
I can add another book to your list: "The No Cry Sleep Solution". It was written by a co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding mom. When I learned some of these tips, I never had the same kind of sleep issues with my second child.
Also - society does put WAY to much emphasis on sleeping through the night when it is KNOWN that normal sleeping patterns for babies do NOT include sleeping through the night consistently! If you happen to get one of the ones that DOES sleep long stretches and young - good. But if you get one that gets up every 2-3 hours (like mine both did) that is also GOOD. It's normal. The trick is to find ways for mom to get more sleep - not to punish baby for being ... well... a baby.
Monique:
Thank you. I do know that book. It is the first one on the list.
Oops.... I saw the bullet list and didn't realize I'd missed the biggest entry in the paragraph above! It really is one of the best books out there - and I love that it's written by a breastfeeding mom who has been there... ;-)
could you have overactive let down? my daughter did a "binge and purge" thing for months and it turned out yo be oald. we grew out of it together and the spitting up ended.
A few experiences to throw in.
We have found that the conventional bedtime calming down routines have wound both our girls up when little - bath and stories in particular have the opposite effect. For us it has been nursing, calm music, and most importantly not forcing a non-sleepy child to go to bed in the first place!
For us bed-sharing has been a wonderful, restful experience. None of us have ever suffered from tiredness except in the first few days with a new baby, or when one of us is ill.
I've also found it very interesting to explore the whole idea of a night's sleep. We all come into light sleep and may wake up , but don't remember it the next day. The problem comes when waking up becomes worrying in itself. I've also recently read about biphasic sleep - the idea that the natural human pattern is actually 4 hours sleep at a time and that many people are actually at their most productive during the night between two blocks of four hour sleep! Many traditional cultures are quite happy with the idea of getting up in the night to tend the fire, have a chat etc.
Another thought
I decided that we would bedshare before my eldest was born because of my own psychological dependency - on a cuddly toy.
When pregnant my DH and I had an argument - I was furious with him, and myself and the only person in the world who understood me or could comfort me was Mouse - a nylon Mickey Mouse, with no ears, full of holes etc.
I was appalled at how dependent I was on hi, and how I turned to an inanimate object for comfort. For a moment I even thought that I would be more hurt by loosing him, than my husband.
Made me very sure that I wanted my children to find that kind of comfort in people, or inside themselves rather than substitute
[...] and ignoring their cries at night has not been around forever. When did our culture move from gentle approaches to promoting healthy sleep to ignoring the cries of infants in an attempt to teach them to [...]
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I am a huge fan of the attachment parenting style. I have a 9 month old, and have never let her "cry-it-out". She has slept through the night ONE time - when she was 2 months old. At about 6 months we went from getting 4-5 hour stretches at a time steadily down to now she wakes every 2 hours all night long (and has been for a couple of months or more). She sleeps in a crib in our room, but for the past month the ONLY way I can get her to go back to sleep during these night wakings is to bring her into our bed. Problem is, I don't sleep well with her in the bed. When she wakes up, she is WIDE awake - and due to my eagerness to just go back to sleep, I do what's easiest - nurse her. So, she's nursing all night long every 2 hours or so. When she wakes, she demands to be picked up - if I don't get to her right away, she is SCREAMING hysterically, a mad cry, like she's throwing a tantrum. If I try to put her back in her crib after nursing her to sleep, she wakes and screams again until I bring her into our bed. She spit up a lot until 7 mos. old and was on Zantac. I took her off it once the spitting up stopped, and then wondered if she may still have heartburn. However, after starting her back on the meds the sleeping didn't improve, so I've taken her back off. I just don't understand how she used to sleep well (4-5 hour stretches) when younger and now sleeps so poorly. She can't be getting good quality sleep, when she's wide awake every 2 hours? Suggestions?
Sara:
Quite often things like teething and milestones can make a baby that was previously a good sleeper into a frequent waker. For the most part, it will generally pass with time. I think just nursing her back to sleep as quickly as possible is probably the best way for everyone to get as much sleep as possible.
Personally, I preferred to sleep with my babies so that I noticed as soon as they started to wake up and I could cuddle or nurse them immediately rather than waiting until they were fully awake.
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Thank you for this article! I will definitely recommend it to moms who are too exhausted to think of reading "The No Cry Sleep Solution". Although a great book, you have summed up the points very nicely! Thanks again!
I just came across this article, and I really agree with everything you have to say. However, I feel like I have run the gammet (sp?) of these tips and am getting nowhere. My daughter is 8 months old (she is our first) and has not had an easy go so far. She was diagnosed w/reflux at 4 weeks and I breastfed exclusively for the 1st 9 weeks of her life, but once I went back to work I had to supplement w/formula. Long story short, I was using the gentle formula and it wasn't gentle enough. She would wake up screaming from gas pains and grunting from reflux. She also started teething early (bottom teeth popped up right before the 5 month marker). After taking her to a gastroenterologist and getting the dosage right on her meds (zantac) and switching to soy formula (which she is now on exclusively...I stopped bf'ing at 6 months) she is still waking up constantly. She is totally ready to go to bed. She knows when the time comes and she looks forward to her bottle and doesn't fight me to go to sleep, but she can not stay asleep and I don't know how to fix it. I've picked her up, soothed her, and put her back in her bed. I've put her in bed with us, I've comforted her in her own bed...I've let her whine for brief periods and she has gotten herself back down, only to wake up 10 minutes later. She never ever napped well, and that pretty much holds true to this day. I just don't know what else to do for her. I know sleep begets sleep...I feel like the only thing I haven't tried is to let her CIO, but I'm so against it. I feel like such a failure as a mother b/c she is not getting the sleep she desperately needs. I know this time is short, but my husband and I both have to work full time and all of us are on the edge. Any other suggestions? :)
Melissa:
You said "she can not stay asleep and I don’t know how to fix it." Can you provide more details? How often is she waking and how long is she awake for?
In worst case scenario, I have seen families where the mom and dad each take a shift during the night and let the other one sleep, so that each of them gets at least 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It can be a temporary measure to help get through a rough period without letting the baby CIO.
However, there may be other things you can do too if you can give more details on the waking patterns.
Thanks for getting back to me! When she is in her bed, she wakes up so many times I lose count. She isn't up for long...as soon as I pick her up, she flops back asleep in my arms...there was a time where I was putting a musical lovey next to her and that calmed her too, but either way, she wakes up again. The longest stretch that we have gotten out of her in her bed in the past 3 weeks has been 4 hours. Normally she wakes up every 1.5-2 hours, although the other night she was up 5x within a half an hour. Since I posted the 1st time, I have been putting her in our bed more often just because neither one of us could take the lack of sleep (we are in a 1 bdrm condo so there really isn't any where else either of us can go unfortunately) and that does seem to be helping. As much as I love having her, I feel like I'm setting myself up for another battle with her. I should note that b/c of our living situation (we are trying to sell!!) she is in a co-sleeper that we converted to a pack and play once she started sitting up. I don't know if she just isn't comfortable in it...she keeps me guessing!
I'm really happy to have found this blog. Whether or not I envision a similar story for my family it's been so supportive & helpful to encounter an honest depiction of the reality of one family's experience with alternative choices to the now traditional, baby in crib in a separate room from day one scenario.
My daughter just turned 6 mos. and we have been experience our own difficulties with her sleeping. We've been trying to get back on track after a bad cold and visitors for over 2 weeks. I really appreciate the idea of shifting your perspective. As I've been looking for help online (I'm in Colombia and don't have access to books!) I keep coming across things like "is your baby waking 2,3, or even 5 times a night?" My answer is always, yes...and then is that bad, is that abnormal? Truth is, we weren't that tired in the day because since she's right next to us we could usually pu/pd and go back to sleep quickly ourselves. The problem for me was a worry that we might be doing the wrong thing for her, or perhaps entering a slippery slope into really bad sleep habits by picking her up every time.
Now that I've found this blog and other helpful information that offers me options that don't involve cio or make me feel like her waking is abnormal, I'm really working to shift my perspective and expectations. The difficulty is that I feel that I have so few examples of the kind of night parenting that I want to implement. Which is why I'm grateful for your blog and so glad that it's a presence online. But I also have a few questions about breastfeeding and co-sleeping that I'm trying to come to terms with, perhaps you could share your experience with me.
Did you offer the breast literally every time your babies woke, even if you knew they weren't hungry (because they didn't eat much, or they had recently eaten) and no matter how many times they woke in a night? Up until what age, more or less did you offer them breastfeeding at night and how was the weening process for you and them? I feel worried that breastfeeding whenever through the night is just postponing inevitable difficulty, even though it seems the easier option right now.
At this point my husband and I would like to see our child transitioning to her own room to sleep on her own starting around 1 or 1.5 years and also weening night feedings around that age.
Thanks for sharing your experience and your views!
when my litttle one was about 14 months old, we decided to night wean him - it took a couple of weeks of my husband going in to settle him when he woke, but he now sleeps peacefully through. soon after he stopped feeding at 3am, he stopped waking at 10pm for milk as well. other feeds through the night gradually stopped for us - I felt he was ready at 14 mo to stop completely.
he slept in his own room from about 8 months. let me know if you have any further questions - I'm not an expert at all, first time mommy finding my own way.
Sarah:
Thanks for your response it is helpful! I have a few clarification questions for you...
So you weened him from the 3am feeding first, but didn't have to with the 10pm one, cos he stopped on his own, right? And toward 14 months it sounds like he gradually stopped waking so much to feed...do you recall how often you were feeding him at night up until then? I'm wondering if I should expect to nurse my baby 3-5X a night, or if I should be working now to lessen that number. It seems like a lot to be nursing a baby more than 2x a night if you have to get up and go to another room!
Hi Molly,
Yes, weaned him from the 3am feeding, then he gave up the 10pm on his own.
At about 8-9 months, he was feeding at 10 pm 1 am and then up for the day around 5-6
then about 12- 14 months, 10pm, 3am and up for the day 5-6
then after that a few weeks of 10pm and up for the day 5-6 ish
it is up to you and what you think your baby needs - I felt he was getting enough in the day - I make sure we have plenty of time to chill, cuddle, read books together as well as have milk - since I have been working he wants to have a breastfeed more on the days I don't work - which is fine - happy to take a break from the day, sit on the couch and give him a feed!!! He's slept in his own room since about 7 months or so, and we never co-slept - though he was in a crib right beside our bed. Happy to answer more questions! xx
good post, i recently had a tough stretch with my 28 month old, discussed here- http://being-a-mama.blogspot.com/2012/01/night-night-sleep-tight-see-you-in-hour.html,
i just came across your post and it all rang very true.
great blog, thanks
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Thank you! I know all these things already, and I especially know #10 - but still a nice reminder. My 15 month old has been waking every hour from when he goes to bed until we do, and then we cosleep and I swear he's nursing, adjusting his position, etc. at least that often. My saving grace is that I wrote down some things about my 3.5 and she was almost as bad as he is at this age, but by 18 months was doing much better. Hoping history repeats itself.
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I have been following this advice (advocated by Dr. Sears) since my child was born. It was great at first, but now at eleven months old, my baby is waking every hour to hour and a half and refuses to fall back asleep without a bottle and constant cuddling, which would be fine if I was getting some sleep too. There's something to be said for a mother keeping her sanity. Sleep-deprived mother does not equal best mother. I am struggling to continue with being an "attached parent," but I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I swore I'd never let my baby cry it out, but what am I to do with no longer than an hour or so stretch every night?
Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated. I've tried everything.
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We did everything on this list for our 21 month old daughter consistently (& still do) & almost every single night she cries when we put her to bed. We tried EVERYTHING to get her to not cry when she goes to sleep, but she always cries a little bit. She doesn't want to sleep on us or with us, she wants to be up & see what's going on, regardless of how tired she is. I know that's how I was when I was little, so I think that's just how she is. I've adjusted my thinking to her personality, which is that she'll cry a little bit, but then crash out b/c she is tired, but just wants to see what is happening. Obviously if she's crying for longer, we go get her so she knows that we are there for her, but for us, no crying at all is totally unrealistic. Most important thing is to know your baby/child's personality.
Thank you thank you thank you for providing information on cosleeping!! It is so hard to find successful and positive info on cosleeping! So thank you!!!
Great tips you have there! This is a big help to those parents who have this kind of problem they dealing with.
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I love what you suggest here. I however think that your comment that this amounts to treating your baby with the same respect that you would expect for yourself amounts to being sanctamoniously self-righteos- which I must say is the tone that threads through all those that are against the CIO sleep training method. It seems to translate in your minds that anyone who chooses to practice CIO lacks love, respect, time etc,etc... while the AP ones are more loving, better parents ...and everything else opposite to the pro-CIO. I have nothing against either choices. What I resent is the judgemental attitude of most of those that have made a decision not to do CIO- and the lofty implication that they are better parents by virtue of that choice.
Hi,
What do you do when your baby nurses every hour and won't settle with bedsharing? It takes me almost an hour to rock him back to sleep.
These gentle baby toddler keep approached on their tips and just critically among on their function.
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